A bit of a Train Wreck

[Guest Daphne21]

In short, that's the way this post will probably seem to be set up and the way I've been feeling like lately. Of course there are a lot of positive things happening right now. For example, I acquired my letter for hormones my last gt visit and... well at the time that's really honestly the only thing I can think of.

While it may be a great thing that I have the ability to start hormones as soon as possible, I have to admit that my emotions are mostly negative as of late. I'm almost constantly feeling down and not really wanting to do anything that I usually enjoy. There are a few reasons as to why I may be feeling this way.

One would be the fact that my dad is going through extremely hard times (being more or less homeless, having suicidal thoughts because of extreme depression etc) and I feel like somehow I'm at least responsible for making his depression worse than it has to be. And of course, there's the fact that he doesn't accept me in the slightest and at this rate probably never will.

Also, I feel that I'm just not as strong as I need to be. Not too long ago (in fact probably the thing that started this depression I currently have) I was asked to speak to another mtf, not as far along as I am, who was apparently going through hard times. To be honest, I was glad that someone like me wanted my advice and was reaching out for help. I was excited to have the possibility of helping someone out when they needed it. I suppose these thoughts were a little idealistic. After speaking with the person I was hoping to help, I realized that they seemed to be better off than me. This really got me thinking sourly about myself. "Who did I think I was? Thinking that I could be an inspiration? That I could make a difference? Someone who was just as (if not more) lost and confused about their life as the person they were trying to mentor?" Needless to say, I started feeling worthless and pathetic.

The biggest problem, however, would be how I'm releasing the negative emotions that I'm gathering inside. More often than not, when I get into this sort of a state, I tend to get angry at myself more easily than feel sadness. It's not that I want to be angry, in fact, I hate anger. Just being angry makes me more angry because I know I'm not dealing with my emotions how I wish I could. And so, if it ever goes too far, I tend to harm myself (mostly punching myself in the face). I do it because, as I said, I hate being angry. It makes me hate myself more than anything. Usually when I'm that angry, all I really want to do is cry. In fact, I even had a bit of an episode last night at a friends house. I hit myself twice and then got up and went home. I know it probably sounds like I'm crazy and not making any sense but maybe I am just crazy.

Looking back over what I've typed so far, I have to say I'm not sure what posting it here is going to help. I just feel that I'm beyond help at this point and honestly have felt this way for a while. If it were my choice I'd like to be locked up in some sort of solitary confinement cell where I could at least be alive and live the way a crazy person deserves to live. And that way my family and loved ones wouldn't have to worry about me hurting myself and I wouldn't have to deal with all of life's struggles.

I know I'm saying all of this but really I don't necessarily mean it. I suppose I'm posting this to find some support. I want to know that I'm not the only one who isn't strong enough to speak in public when they're trying to present as a woman. I want to know that I'm not the only one whose emotions don't seem to match their gender and that that's something that hurts just as much if not more than the fact that their body doesn't either. I want to know that I'm not the only one crying when they read this last passage because someone out there is sympathizing with me and knows what I'm going through.

And maybe, if I'm lucky, posting this will bring back some hope and a sense of meaning. And maybe one day I'll be able to give it back when someone else is all alone wishing they had someone to turn to.

And if you've read this then I thank you for doing so. And if you reply then I'm glad you care enough to do so.

[Guest GinaInside]

Hi Daphne,

I wish I had answers to the issues you are dealing with, but being TS is hard for me too.

The best I have been able to do my entire life, is deal with it minute to minute.

If you reach down inside yourself, you find that you are way stronger than you think.

Sometimes you have to release negative emotions, or you will melt down; it is a fallacy of society that people should just try to bottle up thier emotions, and never deal with them.

You are not the only one dealing with the pressures you feel, every Trans-person has them.

I wish you all the best,

Gina

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Daphne you are NOT the only one who isnt strong enough to speak in public when trying to present as being a woman, I am barely strong enough to try and present as one in public much less say anything. I am scared to death to be ridiculed publicly to the point I have not fully gone out yet. I am a mess but I keep trying one little piece at a time,I keep wearing more and more things I like and feel more and more comfortable all the time. I have to replace the negative emotion with a positive action,and eventually the negative will disappear.

You are not the only one who's emotions dont match their gender either , mine dont match and I am confused about it most of the time "if I am awake I am thinking about it".

You are not the only one who cries about it either.

I cry almost every day from what I am going through,but it isnt all bad some of the tears are joy because I know I can finally "feel" who I really am and that I am slowly working on making it better even if I cant see the end result.

I am pretty lousy at giving advice myself like you I try to give a helping hand only to find the person is usually better off and more stable than myself,but they still might just need to hear the words you say regardless.

Destroying ourselves to spite ourselves is never going to be a viable option,it just wont work. Harming yourself or being locked away is never going to help solve the way you feel about yourself.

If you can take hormones then take them if it is right for YOU....the people who oppose are the same ones opposing you now without taking them. Do what you do for "yourself" not because of them. those who dont approve wont approve no matter what you do, their misery is their own not something you intentionally caused by just being yourself.

I neglected and harmed myself for years only to regret it now because I actually want to live now...there is a future for every single one of us,I know there is,we just have to stick around long enough to make it happen,its painful sure but for me the pain of doing this is less than the pain of doing nothing and living the lie.

I get angry at myself all the time for not living up to my own expectations but usually after some time and thought and some kind words from others here at LP I come out of it a better and stronger person. Its ok to be angry its not ok to punish yourself for being angry,it only worsens the problem.

You look like a very beautiful woman to me, if you want to lessen your anger look at yourself in the mirror and allow yourself to see the beautiful woman looking back at you, she deserves to be loved,not locked away or harmed.

We are all helpless to change the feelings of others but it is ours and ours alone to change how we feel about our selves.

I dont always follow my own advice and have a lot of troubles with fears but I know in time they will pass just as the ones I have already conquered.

Talk with your therapist about your anger and negative emotions regarding hormones,it could help alleviate some anger before it even begins. Your emotions matching your gender is something to be happy about not angry.

I hope you find some peace in your struggles stay strong and give the girl a chance.

Brenda Hailey.

[Guest Mickey]

Daphne, yes I was crying also. I know how hard it can be. It seems like hardly a thing goes right these days. I just try to remember Janet Mock in her "It gets better" video on youtube. I certainly hope it gets better and soon too.

[Guest kristendk]

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice, but a couple of thoughts come to mind:

"My mother said there would be days like this."

"This too shall pass."

I hope you have a better tomorrow.

Kristen