Not 'confused', more as in 'i think i'm lying to myself'

[Guest Astro-Zombie]

I've known i wasn't a girl, not really, for years.

The one and only gender dysphoria experience i can remember from my childhood plainly was when i was about 4-6. It was the summer, and everyone was walking around shirtless. I was walking around with my mom, and I said 'why can't i take my shirt off?' and she said 'because youre a girl'. I was like 'huuuuh,' more or less - I was confused as to why I was such a girl, damn it! My whole childhood (since before pre-school) i'd dressed in boys clothes, watched boy's shows, hung out with only boys - felt like 'just one of the lads'.

up until i was 11, i'd been dressing and acting like a boy - feeling no different to any other i hung out with - until i was bullied for looking like a boy. people constantly called me a male version of my birth name. i was upset with it so i started dressing overly feminine - floral shirts, pastel skinny jeans. but the phase lasted a mere month or two. i was back to being a guy to everyone in public - i've not been mistaken as a girl since... uh... 12.

until recently, i'd been identifying online as 'genderqueer', but i've been having INTENSE feelings of dysphoria recently. I'll see my chest in the mirror when i shower and i'll burst out crying. I can barely handle swim class (it's a school necessity) or my sports class (all girly games like netball and hockey). it makes me HORRIBLY detached - i feel so out of place, and it's made me feel so depressed. I also considered self harm, which i had used as a coping mechanism since i was 11 and barely managed to stop until september.

i'm so confused. I'd like to say i was trans. I would like to transition fully, have a boy's name. However, I'm happy with my girlish waist and genitals, and i find it easy to blend in with girls when needs be. I still like guys, and i've known i'm bisexual since i was 11. i'd like male genitals but i'm not HORRIBLY centred on them - i'm okay with having female genitalia for now, they don't make me dysphoric. I thought i was genderqueer but i never, EVER have 'girl' days. not since i was about 11. i even wear a suit to family gatherings, and ones who haven't seen my dad in years ask 'how's your son doing?'

i've worn all-boys (girls clothes, even just a tight-fitting t-shirt, put be off SO MUCH) clothes except for underwear and jeans since late year 7- age 12.

so, do you think it's safe to say i'm trans*, or at least suffer with some kind gender issues? I want to come out to my school councillor, so i can get some help and (hopefully) come out to my dad (no mother around for 1.5 years). i don't know if the school councillor is educated in gender identity, though, which is why i'm hoping for some kind of help as to what to say? I was thinking of coming out to one friend beforehand who already knows a lot about the LGBT community and is an ally. but i don't know whether i can say 'i'm transgendered!' or i should just stick with 'i'm genderqueer'.

SORRY FOR THE HILARIOUSLY LONG POST I TEND TO RAMBLE ON, OBVIOUSLY....

[Carolyn Marie]

Sorry for the long delay in responding, A-Z. Sometimes a post slips onto the second page and then is overlooked for a while. It was not intentional.

I would say, with the limited information that I have about you, that you fit into the transgender category pretty well. I am not an expert by any means about gender queer, so I can't say what fits you better, that or androgynous. My own feeling is that it is far less important what label you apply to yourself, than how you feel most comfortable and happiest. Whatever and whenever that is, that's what you should shoot for.

The NHS is not the easiest thing to get through when you want to see a gender therapist, but it seems to me that it would be worthwhile to make the effort, if coming to terms with who you are is important to you. They are trained and experienced to help you sort out those issues and get you on the right path, whatever that happens to be. Transition is only one of many possible ways to go, and not necessarily the right one for you, based on what you've said.

If you haven't posted an introduction in the Intro Forum, you might think about that. That forum gets more views than this one does, which is one reason your post got buried for a time here. Please look around and post whatever questions you may have. We'll answer the best we can.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Astro-Zombie]

Thank you SO MUCH for replying! So sorry for the late reply.

Thank you - I think i'll try to seek help from my school and try and get an appointment from a gender therapist.

Thank you, once again, for replying haha.

I'll take a look around the forums - thank you!!