Convincing my parents?

[Guest KrissyB]

Ok so my parents are uber conservative, redneck, focus on the family listening, statues, with no reasoning abilities. They believe that taking anti androgens would be a sin, and child abuse, and all other kinds of crazy things. Now I'm a Christian too, but I like to keep an open mind and read what the Bible actually says about something instead of just taking some "important", "christian"'s opinion as fact. I try to respect my parents, but sometimes their ignorance just gets to me and I have to walk away and cool down. When I do that though, they make fun of me for backing down, and say I shouldn't have to cool down. I just don't know what to do about them anymore. I just want them to agree to let me start anti androgens, but they don't know anything about them and don't want to learn. They keep saying gender is learned and I've been brainwashed or have brainwashed myself and that I never showed any sign of gender variance in kindergarten, but they can't even agree on whether their first child was good at math. They send me to a therapist, but he won't talk to them about the hormone blockers and doesn't know a thing about them himself although he has "cured" transgender people in the past. By which I mean he said, "I have counseled several people for gender issues before (somewhere around 7) and I've run into about half of them since and they're glad they didn't transition.", I just don't know what to do about this. They refuse to even believe the medical studies that show that mtf's have female brains. They tell me, "you can't trust everything you read on the Internet. People that write that stuff are biased and have an agenda to push.", my mom believed all the stuff she reads about artificial sweeteners causing cancer. Now I can't say whether they do or not, because I've never researched it. But I do always check a source before I quote it. Is there anything I can do to try to convince them. (We're First Presbyterian EPC by the way). All advice is very much appreciated. Thank you for your time.

~Krissy

[Guest Sarah Faith]

My family is similar, and most of them are hardcore southern baptists. They did eventually come around but it took a great deal of effort on my part to help them see things from my perspective. I came out at 11 or so the first time and my family got absolutely weird about it. I tried coming out many times between then and when I finally fully did at 24 and I can tell you one day I was threatened with praying away the gay basically. It took a lot of patience and time to really get them to come around to where they are now where they are very accepting of it. I think for me a tipping point was probably letter I wrote detailing every detail of what I had been dealing with even the less than pleasant things.

Not all therapists really are educated in how to deal with transgender issues, and some of them simply do not approve so they will go the "try to cure route". It definitely sounds like you are in a difficult situation, and I can't say exactly how to deal with your parents in your current station. For me many in my family didn't even come around until after I had actually started transition..So the best thing I can really suggest is that you try to inform them the best you can to dispel some of their wrong ideas, perhaps suggesting a therapist that isn't already biased in their favor if you can find one.

One thing to consider with parents is they are also probably often thinking "How is everyone at church going to feel about this if they found up.". So changing their opinion may be difficult, really only you know your parent's well so I would have to ask you.. Do you feel your parents can be swayed? Or do you feel they are pretty set in their beliefs as long as they have you being a minor as leverage over you?

[Guest KrissyB]

I came out at 9 for the first time and after being grilled and being threatened to be taken to the preacher do he could save me I told mom it was just a phase and I'd get over it, and I tried to held way come out again in the following years but it didn't work. I eventually fully came out and put my foot down at 11-12 not sure exactly when, but I've been fighting them ever since. And I have been threatened with having it prayed away and they're trying that. I found a great therapist, but they didn't like her (I suspect it was because I suggested her). They also always try to play the guilt card, "what's your grandmother going to think? Your grandfather will never be able to look at you again! I'm going to have to throw away all my old pictures and memories of you. You'll kill your mother. We"ll have to move across the country! We'll lose our jobs, How could you be that selfish!?! You've always been our baby boy! When I had my first sonogram the doctor said paint the room blue it's a boy! You haven't been depressed and crying yourself to sleep for years, I would know I'm your mother and I never noticed! You didn't hate your body when you were little! Do you know how much money that'll cost? Don't you want me to have grand kids? No guy or girl will ever want to be with you because you'll be some kind of freak." I don't know if I'm allowed to hate them, but I do. They're horrible parents. And as far as my mental health my psychologist as bad as he is says I'm the smartest person he's ever met... But time too cool down.. My dad might could be swayed, but won't ever take a side against my mother in this, and she's an ignorant rock. So I don't know what to do. The only thing I'm really concerned about is my hip bone closing up or whatever it does so it can't get wider and my shoulders getting wider. Other than that I think I can get by for the next 2.5 years. If I could just be sure of that I'd be fine, but that requires anti androgens...

[Charlize]

Krissy just hang in there. I know it isn't easy but soon you will be your own person. Try to accept what your given and make it work for you. If you want to live your life as yourself then start to prepare. Do as well in school as you can and try to be as happy as you can make yourself be. You will need to get a good job and hopefully you will learn to be happy with what life throws at you. We can adjust and still be true to ourselves. Practice now and it will be easier and better in a few short(even if they seem long) years.

Much of what your mom has said to you i've heard as well from various places but if we work slowly towards our goal we can and do make it.

Sorry to be such an old woman but after all i am a grandma and am just trying to pass on somethings i've learned by smashing my head against walls as you are doing.

Hugs and lots of them,

Charlize

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Krissy, I have to say that is an awful lot of guilt trips being thrown at you. Sadly that tends to be what a lot of parents do when faced with something that scares them that they may view as socially unacceptable their feelings are usually far more about how it will effect them than anything else. One thing I can suggest is actually to try to find someone that may be an ally in your family that might back you up, for me it was actually my grandmother even though she didn't get it at all she supported me and helped fight for me with the rest of the family. So if you think there is one person in your family who may be more understanding and more likely to side with you it may be best to work with them primarily. Try to inform them and get them to your side so when you confront your family members who are completely opposed you are not doing so alone.

In regards to your physical concerns, I know many girls who didn't get to start HRT until they were in their late teens and well into their 20s, my self included and make it through with minimal masculinization. The old myth that if you don't start HRT by 18 you are not going to do well is just a myth people continue growing and developing well into their 40s. I know for me when I decided to start transitioning at 24 I thought that it was too late for me because of that myth, but that is all it is.. is a myth. I know many girls who have transitioned after 18 and turned out great.

Like Charlie said do what you can now, try your best with your parents but lay the ground work the best you can for when you turn 18. College for example can be a really good place to transition, so you are very close to being able to achieve the things you need to do.

[Guest KrissyB]

I told my sister in hopes that she would be supportive a while back, but we don't even talk anymore. She's too caught up in her own life and does even seem to consider me family since we're only half siblings. But my grandmother on my dad's side might be supportive. She has stood up for me to my parents before when they told me I couldn't do something big (Like when I wanted to be a lawyer for a little while and go to Harvard and they told me I couldn't.), but she's always been so proud of her "grandson", showing pictures to her coworkers and neighbors and bragging, so I just don't really know how to tell her. And she lives in another state so that makes things a little harder. Do you have any recommendations for how to tell her? I don't really want my grandfather to find out before her so I cant send a letter, and I don't want her to just go and tell my parents on me.

[Guest ashleynikole]

Krissy, I'm so sorry you're feeling this. I'm glad you understand that your faith is in Jesus and not in His followers.

My parents weren't as bad as yours sound, but my mother is a very conservative Christian and I think she is just in denial. My father was more dumbfounded than anything, but I was also able to sustain the hiding of my feelings for 30+ years so I can understand where they come from. I've done a TON of research in the last year regarding this and I can share with you all the evidence I have found (scientific and scriptural), but a good Google search would get you the same thing.

I will pray for you and your situation and if you ever need to chat, don't hesitate to PM me.

God bless

Ashley

[Guest LizMarie]

Krissy, all I can advocate is patience until you can move out, get a job, and be on your own. And sometimes the best solution is that - to create a clean break and move on with your life. Often those people you left behind will come to realize that they still want to be involved in your life, that you are happier, that they did not become objects of derision, and life can go on. Sometimes such people never come around and you simply have to let them go. There is no way to predict what your family will do so I'd suggest waiting til you can get old enough to move out, get a job, and live your own life.

As Sarah notes, you are very likely to do fine even if you start medically transitioning after the age of 18. Many of us didn't begin until after the age of 50 or even 60, and we came out fine.

Here's a recent photo of me. I'm still working through facial hair removal (though it's starting to finally thin out), and I've been on HRT for about 18 months now. I'm experiencing breast development and my figure is filling out in a positive way, when I dare to let it show through.

If I can get positive results at the age of 56, then you can get positive results in your late teens or early twenties.