Still not sure if I'm a transvestite?

[Guest]

Hello!!!

A little about myself:

I'm 30 year old male, straight although I have been with a man but I don't think I'm gay,( I actually dressed up in drag when we had sex.). I was reading the internet DSM definition and I can't make up my mind if I fit ( i know its not black and white).

A few times when I was a kid; before and after puberty, I used to wear my sister clothes, like trying on her dresses while no one was home. Nothing came of it but when I was 25 I would sometimes fantisise about being a crossdresser, and enjoyed wearing womans underwear. At 28 I bought some girls clothes and wore them out in public, nothing too girly just lots of pink. Really I have worn a dress out in public once; a real skanky short leather dress ( I'm wearing it now with the cutest pair of matchig shoes) and all I did was go to the convienence store. But lately I find myself getting excited at night when no one is around and I ca dress up. Today I went to some stores and looked for shoes or boots (I have a thing for shoes ) looked at dresses but the once I saw seemed like something a soccer mom would wear, so I came back empty handed. The memory of wearing this over the top way too short dress kind of excites me, i remember there were some construction worker types staring / making comments last time. So I'll be living n my own here very soon (lost job and living with family now) and was wondering if this is just a phase like it seems to be or if would really enjoy dawning a wig and make up and going out. Sounds ironic but wearing a dress out in public takes alot of testicles!

I just want to be comfortable with myself. I dont see myself dressed up in drag at my next job at all/ever. But maybe after I get home at night its time to slip out of boaring boys clothes and into something nice and sexy. Will this feeling pass? I know ignoring it is bad, but sometimes I do things just to be over the top, and it passes.

How do you know?

ALso There is no spell check on this forum?????

[Charlize]

First of all welcome to Laura's. I think you have found a reasonable definition of your situation as a cross dresser. I dressed for most of my life, stopping for periods but then drifting back and finding great comfort in dressing up. You may never want to even go out in public again or you may. It is your life and finding some peace with yourself is the important thing. Each of us is different. It may also be helpful if you are feeling shame or some other discomfort with your self that you see a gender therapist. I like your description of wanting to be over the top, i remember that as well.

Enjoy your time here. You are not alone. By the way my spelling would be terrible if it weren't for the spell checker. it works for me so you may have disabled yours somehow.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest AliciaDB2014]

Hi Lexi!

You sound like my husband. I think it is hard to define gender in black and white definitions; it certainly has been for us. We just be us and whoever we happen to be that day, so be it. Sometimes we are both feminine, sometimes we are both masculine, sometimes we are "traditional" and sometimes we are reversed.

Your story sounds similar to his; dressing up in the female clothes borrowed from someone else living in the house, but doing it when no one else is home. He also would wear female underwear on a pretty consistent basis, or do other things that were easy to hide like wearing a corset under his shirts or painting his toenails. He found a way to express his feminine feelings without losing his masculine outer shell.

Like you, he also has a thing for shoes - I laughed when I read that Honestly, everyone is their own person so everyone dresses differently. In our situation, there is no desire to go out to dinner in a skirt and heels. He likes doing it subtly (if at all) while in public. He will spend several weeks coming home from work and immediately dressing, or sleeping in his nightgowns, or spending his day off cleaning the house in heels. You just need to find your comfort zone and see what works best for you.

I don't think the "feeling will pass" as you said, if it has been the way you described it for your entire life. If I've noticed anything consistent while reading stories here and hearing my husbands, it is that there seems to be a cycle. Buy clothes, dress for a few weeks / months / years, life event, decide you are "done with that phase," throw everything out, six months later you find yourself shopping for new skirts, shoes, etc. It seems to be an on going battle between making yourself (general) happy and being "normal" as society says. Ultimately, you are the only one who knows whether or not it is a phase but based on what you've said, you sound like you are going through the same shame / indulging cycle that so many CDers go through. Good luck to you!

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Hi Lexi

Shoes? Boots for me. I have way too many! Welcome and this is a great place for help and friendship! I was as masculine as I could be until 2 years ago when I rediscovered at the tender age of 53 that I am a cross dresser. The urge waxes and wanes. The last week or so I did not feel very femme and in fact got rather angry over the more masculine side reasserting itself. We are all different yet, at heart, very much the same. I was advised by the girls here to go with the flow and enjoy, and the advice was the best I had. In the long term the feeling nor the urge never really goes away and it's not worth fighting it. Just accept. If I want to move clothes out to give myself space, I bag them up and put them in the loft. I'm not throwing out beautiful stuff I invested in.

Eve

[Guest LizMarie]

If you have been having these feelings since you were a child, you should not expect them to just go away. Your mind is telling you something.

[Guest AshleighP]

I agree that the feelings will probably not go away. I hope mine never do! The times I get to spend dressed are some of the happiest times. Most of my fantasies and dreams revolve around me dressing female, and have for as long as I can remember. As long as you are comfortable with who you are, you need not worry about labels. I go between feelings of wanting to live full time as a female and being happy with my lifestyle as is. I always wish for more time to dress, but am satisfied with the times I get.

I can honestly say I have never purged my entire wardrobe since I told my wife about my desires and started buying my own clothes (other than styles and when things no longer fit).

Belated welcome and best of luck on your journey. You have found a place here full of like minded, non-judgmental people.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Lexi. All of my friends above have given you some great advice. There is no shame in what you feel and what you like to do. Whether you would like dressing completely en femme with wig and makeup and heels, or just some items, and whether you could or should do so in the safety of home, or go out, are things only you can know. You can do them slowly, taking baby steps, and see what is most comfortable. There are organizations that get like minded girls together for group outings or discussions. You can search online for such in your area.

There are many options open to you, hon. Please look around these forums, ask questions, and learn all you like. We'll be here to answer your questions and provide support.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest]

Thanks...those are all very helpfull.

I feel a bit better.

Anyways I'm moving to a part of the city with alot of gay people in it, and I think it will be a good place to go in public, as its also pretty annonymous too. They seem to be very modern and accepting, plus guys always ask me out and buy me drinks. I have a professional life that I dont want to jepordize. I would never dress up at the office.

What i dont like is my family finding out. They are pretty open minded would be cool with me being gay if I was. But I think it would be too weird.

What I want to do next is go out all gussied up so that no one would know im not a girl. I think my facial features are feminine enough to pull it off. I would need a good wig and someone that knows make up though.

I'm not sure if my mother found my girl clothes when I was living here. I hope not.

Dressing at home feels good(kind of arousing, I like to look at myself in the mirror) but what the point of getting all dressed up if no one sees it right?

[Guest]

I often think it would be easier to come out of the closet being gay.

I guess crossdressing is quite unsocialy acceptable. I wish I was doing this as a kid like I wanted to, then I wouldn't have to come out.

I want to be normal but I;m not, acceptance is the ultimate virtue, but it doesn't come easy...

[Guest aliasGreta]

I often think it would be easier to come out of the closet being gay.

I guess crossdressing is quite unsocialy acceptable. I wish I was doing this as a kid like I wanted to, then I wouldn't have to come out.

I want to be normal but I;m not, acceptance is the ultimate virtue, but it doesn't come easy.

I don't believe being gay has nearly the stigma of cross dressing, which seems to be despised in this country nearly on the level of child molesting. I never realized that until spending five years in Great Britain, attending college and playing music professionally, and then returning to the U.S. I got into an acoustic rock band that occasionally worked Vicars and Tarts and fancy dress gigs around London - Camden Palace and others like that plus much smaller venues - which happened on a fairly regular basis, as they're quite popular. The leader's spouse was a costume maker in London theater and she dressed the band and made us up. It was really fun and nobody was making any kind of to do about anybody's choice of attire, snickering or expressing any sort of disapproval towards anyone. Apparently the English get it that many men like to dress up. The general attitude there is that they aren't really bothered by whatever it is that gets your ya ya's (after 5pm) - they just hope that you're getting it. Oh yes there's a bare chested naked girl on page three of the newspaper - so what. If you don't like it don't look.

I have always had a mild though largely un-acted-upon interest in wearing women's garments so I was of course very open to this, and looked forward to the gigs, as you can imagine. I ended up acquiring some personal pieces of my own that attracted me, mainly a really good waist cincher and some shoes that actually fit, that I incorporated into my stage costumes.

Anyway, then I came back to the U.S. and of course brought my souvenirs along. Whenever some lady would see my women's shoes and boots in the closet (one pair of each) they would get really strange about it - like they had to find a way to snicker about it somehow. I put them away out of sight but have noticed since how uptight and reactionary Americans are on the subject. Not to say the Brits can't be hard on their pervs - just have seen a lack of concern about ones choice of costume there that is quite the opposite here.

Now I know I'm not 'normal': I find it immensely enjoyable and erotic to slip into some slinky forbidden lingerie of the opposite sex (if there is such a thing). At present the only trouble I have, really, with being 'not normal' is the anguish I have over putting my partner into the cliche' of being 'the woman whose husband wears panties', which makes me cringe. I don't really believe she thinks this way and believe that she would like to be more included in my dressing up, as she knows how much I enjoy it and is a broadminded lady. The only thing that prevents this is my own image of what it must look like to her and my dread that she's thinking how gross is this or what. I'm working on it, though.

[Guest]

I often think it would be easier to come out of the closet being gay.

I guess crossdressing is quite unsocialy acceptable. I wish I was doing this as a kid like I wanted to, then I wouldn't have to come out.

I want to be normal but I;m not, acceptance is the ultimate virtue, but it doesn't come easy.

I don't believe being gay has nearly the stigma of cross dressing, which seems to be despised in this country nearly on the level of child molesting. I never realized that until spending five years in Great Britain, attending college and playing music professionally, and then returning to the U.S. I got into an acoustic rock band that occasionally worked Vicars and Tarts and fancy dress gigs around London - Camden Palace and others like that plus much smaller venues - which happened on a fairly regular basis, as they're quite popular. The leader's spouse was a costume maker in London theater and she dressed the band and made us up. It was really fun and nobody was making any kind of to do about anybody's choice of attire, snickering or expressing any sort of disapproval towards anyone. Apparently the English get it that many men like to dress up. The general attitude there is that they aren't really bothered by whatever it is that gets your ya ya's (after 5pm) - they just hope that you're getting it. Oh yes there's a bare chested naked girl on page three of the newspaper - so what. If you don't like it don't look.

I have always had a mild though largely un-acted-upon interest in wearing women's garments so I was of course very open to this, and looked forward to the gigs, as you can imagine. I ended up acquiring some personal pieces of my own that attracted me, mainly a really good waist cincher and some shoes that actually fit, that I incorporated into my stage costumes.

Anyway, then I came back to the U.S. and of course brought my souvenirs along. Whenever some lady would see my women's shoes and boots in the closet (one pair of each) they would get really strange about it - like they had to find a way to snicker about it somehow. I put them away out of sight but have noticed since how uptight and reactionary Americans are on the subject. Not to say the Brits can't be hard on their pervs - just have seen a lack of concern about ones choice of costume there that is quite the opposite here.

Now I know I'm not 'normal': I find it immensely enjoyable and erotic to slip into some slinky forbidden lingerie of the opposite sex (if there is such a thing). At present the only trouble I have, really, with being 'not normal' is the anguish I have over putting my partner into the cliche' of being 'the woman whose husband wears panties', which makes me cringe. I don't really believe she thinks this way and believe that she would like to be more included in my dressing up, as she knows how much I enjoy it and is a broadminded lady. The only thing that prevents this is my own image of what it must look like to her and my dread that she's thinking how gross is this or what. I'm working on it, though.

I really dont know what to do now because I think I want to be a straight crossdresser. I reallize I'm really fortunate being able to be "passable" with a small stature (and girls shoes fit me thank god! ) , but now I have to double think at the gym bcause if I lift weights its going to make me too muscular, and if I decide to do this I want to lose muscle mass not gain it. I really like lifting weights too. I looking forward to moving to the LGBT part of town which will help me get out. But if I cant be 100% girly I dont want to do it. The yin and yang just fights back and fourth in my troubled mind.

[Guest KatyDesire]

Big weights are going to give you big muscles. However, small weights with lots of reps will keep the muscles small while tightening them up.

[Guest]

Big weights are going to give you big muscles. However, small weights with lots of reps will keep the muscles small while tightening them up.

That will work but I'm going to cheat and just eat 1000 cal of just carb and fiber a day for 2 weeks, little protein and no fat. Works great but I wouldn't recommend doing often or at all.

[Guest]

I kind of consider myself a drag queen... We will see where this goes as I'm going to a school for the blind soon, and some people will have no idea what I'm wearing...

[Guest Emma Leigh]

I consider you a wind up Lexi

I kind of consider myself a drag queen... We will see where this goes as I'm going to a school for the blind soon, and some people will have no idea what I'm wearing...

[Guest]

I consider you a wind up Lexi

I kind of consider myself a drag queen... We will see where this goes as I'm going to a school for the blind soon, and some people will have no idea what I'm wearing...

what does that mean?

[Guest Emma Leigh]

It means i think you are too outrageous to be genuine

[Guest]

It means i think you are too outrageous to be genuine

like a forum troll? I have posted pics, even an avatar... I do have a bit of crazyness to me... If I was sane/normal I wouldnt be doing this...

[Guest KatyDesire]

Au contraire, darling. The insane ones are those who let totally illogical conventions rule and ruin their lives. We are the normal ones, especially when we do what makes us feel good, without harming anyone. THEY are the ones causing harm. To us.

Katy

[Guest ToughGuy]

Hello Lexi, I've seen so many of our stories, many of us have been down the same street.

I can tell you I started CDing very slowly, sexy clothing, and HEELS. Not knowing exactly what I was doing, (Pre-internet years were tough) One thing I'm sure off, THIS IS NOT A PHASE!

It doesn't just go away, for me it has slowly escalated. from just walking out in those fabulous heels, to buying a wig, then a dress, MORE heels , MORE dresses, MORE, MORE, MORE!

Just be prepared!

TG

[Guest sweetcharlene41]

Hi Lexi, WELCOME to Laura's playground, I'm 73, and have been cross dressing since I was about 9 or 10, so I sort of found out. pretty young. Weather you put on women's cloth's, and have a closet full, or you have been with a man or, not. or you want to go the whole nine yards, (meaning become a transgender), that your business, and it's how you feel about it. There are a lot of people out there, who DON'T UNDERSTAND US and DON'T WANT TO, i guess they feel were upsetting the apple cart, TOUGH. I myself, LOVE TO CROSS DRESS, Iv'e said it before and I'll say it again, and if I get caught so be it, then I can come out of the closet. So be yourself and be true to your self, and as they say, "BE ALL YOU CAN BE. LOVE YA, and GOD BLESS

[Guest KatyDesire]

Good on yer Charlene (as our Antipodean friends might say). Couldn't have put it better myself.

One thing I have found though. Being not much younger than you, as I get more feeble of mind, I care less and less about what others think. If they want to make a problem of it why should I care? Or perhaps my head is so far gone that I am not able to care?

In any case, I win!

Hugs.

[Guest sweetcharlene41]

Good on yer Charlene (as our Antipodean friends might say). Couldn't have put it better myself.

One thing I have found though. Being not much younger than you, as I get more feeble of mind, I care less and less about what others think. If they want to make a problem of it why should I care? Or perhaps my head is so far gone that I am not able to care?

In any case, I win!

Hugs.

like i said, cross dresser, transvestite, transgender, what's the , difference you are what your are. me, i love cross dressing, i try to do it as much as i can, i even sleep en femme, so Lexi, just be yourself, and be true to your self, god bless and lot of hugs