My Confusion, a book

[Guest (S)hE-W0lf]

Heya, I am new here and lost in more ways than one.

For my first act on this forum, I am going to make people dislike me with a book sized post XP. This post gets a bit long, I apologise for that. I have made some text bold which I think might as well be the most important parts, I think.

I have been reflecting internally and questioning for a while, coming up with answers just to invalidate them again, my thinking pattern seems to be going in circles, prompting me to feel like I have the wrong answer for one question because I have to answer another first. At times I even question whether this is really there or did I just make it all up gradually and stuck to it because such things really exist as my research on the net has concluded. I wonder if I didn’t overthink it into existence and then furthered it with “evidence” which was circumstantial. I wouldn’t however still be stuck thinking of it if I could call it just that.

Let me start at the beginning. I started fiddling with girls’ clothing about five or so years ago, when I was in high school. Initially it was an impulse thing followed by some “private time” and then a very quick removal of whatever I had on at the time and the memory shut away out of shame. It was usually just an item (G-string, dress, pantyhose, and bra) and it was a heat of the moment thing. I would actually label that as a fetish period or something. I never spent more time thinking on it other than “should I, shouldn’t I?” I didn’t even do it often either, it would be a few days of one week maybe, then again maybe 7 or 8 months later for the same amount of time.

More or less a year ago I was visiting some relatives. They are a bit messy and so there was some clothes scattered around the room I slept in. I woke up the next morning and after assuming I am as usual, awake before everyone else, I tried on some of my aunt’s stuff. She walked in, a very awkward silence followed after which we had a long discussion over it, while she was giggling and I was transforming into a tomato. She asked me why I did it specifically, and if it was only for ‘sexy time’. This is where I sort of got stuck.

I now asked the same question and I can actually say that I didn’t intend for it to be used in such a way what so ever. The clothes just have an exciting effect on me and it is used in such a way. I spent a lot of time thinking on it, researching it and then still didn’t have an idea. I have analysed my past, finding that I never had any specifically female traits or interests as such but I can with certainty say I have wished myself into being a girl multiple times at varying younger ages, the reasons and dates I cannot remember, simply that I accepted what “cannot change”, but that feels irrelevant now as well. I think I want to be pretty, be feminine, I admire the bodies girls have, as well as the things they wear and how they take care of themselves like hair and nails and such, I want what I feel I shouldn't, and maybe I am being a tad unrealistic in what I want as well. I also keep thinking that maybe I don't know what I want.

I have gone from starting and being excessively happy that it made sense, almost becoming obsessed with transition videos and stories, and becoming eager to dress and act the part and maybe someday be a woman, to disgusted with myself for thinking of such things and then accepting I am a guy that would like to dress up now and again in secret, to being even more confused and deciding to buy clothes and such and experiment with acting differently, to accepting I am a cross-dresser, and then questioning again and thinking I don’t want to live in a closet nor be fake. Then I have days where I realise I am not unhappy being a guy and think that maybe if I just stopped dwelling on it, the dressing, the gender, all of it, it would just disappear. I cannot see how gender makes a difference since it’s just there. Those days I feel like an idiot for what I think the rest of the time. I also have days in which I am happy to accept that part of me, its change, it’s different and I like what I see in my head and mirror when dressed up and the idea of being a lady physically as well.

I shaved my body, now the hair growing back disgusts me which I could always tolerate, I have grown my hair out fairly long, still growing on it and the thought of having short hair just puts me off, things that have always just been there suddenly becoming things I analyse and don’t like. The thought that I would like to be a girl, sort of riding on what I used to feel has also sort of grown from this, but I don’t know if it is real or just me being a total idiot. I cannot make sense of this and it feels wrong. I spend so much time in my day thinking on it that it is starting to drive me crazy (more crazy).

Question: I have come across terms like gender fluid and gender queer and feminine guys but I don’t know what actually fits, I don’t need a label per se, I just need some clarity in my mind. Do I sound like a confused cross-dresser or a trans-girl in denial whom is scared witless of the things coming out of her mouth and the thoughts circling in her head because they could ruin her life? Or maybe even just a guy that has explored and thought on this too much and needs direction on his path to self-discovery?

If you read all of it, thank you. Sorry for the long post.

[Guest ashleynikole]

Welcome to Laura's (S)he-wolf.

You are not alone, and you are definitely not weird or a freak or any other label that others or ourselves stick on us. Reading your story was almost like looking into a mirror of my story. It wouldn't be the first time this has happened and it won't be the last.

My advice to you is to seek out a good gender therapist (GT) in your area. I used a site called Psychology Today and it shows what different therapists charge, specialize in and more. Really good site and searchable for your local area. A good GT will be able to help guide you into unknoting some of the mess we create for ourselves during our past. A good GT will not tell you what you are, but will help you discover what you are and help you get the clarity you need.

When I first came out to my wife (and my mom for technical reasons), I was convinced that I was a crossdresser and that I didn't actually want to be a girl. However, upon more research and more scrutiny, I found more details that more matched me and my life and that help unravel more information that helped guide me to who I am. 3 months of wrestling with God, a nervous breakdown, and final clarity from my Creator (I'm a very faith filled person, tell me if it bothers you), it became very clear that I was made this way for a purpose and the time was now to prepare to fulfill my purpose. My therapist agreed with me that I may have found my path, but she never told me what to do. In fact, it took a few sessions for me to own up the fact that I needed to do this. 6 weeks into HRT, I can attest that there is something biological there as my depression and anxiety are practically gone.

All that to say, find a good gender therapist (one whose focus is on LGBT issues...specifically gender dysphoria or gender identity disorder) and just start talking to someone about it as soon as you can.

God bless

Ashley

[Guest Kaylee]

Hi there (S)he-wolf

Welcome to Laura's!

I have to say that what you are experiencing... is much like what most of us here at Lauras have been through. Your post didn't say how old you are.... but I'll assume in your early 20's based on your post. I'm going to try to reply to as much as I can, but forgive me if I miss something.

I'm going to say firstly, that you are not alone in feeling like this... and there is nothing wrong with you, and you should never feel ashamed about the way you feel! So many of the things you describe in your post are straight out of my past as well. Over the years, thoughts and realizations changed, and with denial added in, I've gone from feeling 25% female at times... to now 80%.

You mentioned that you question and answer for yourself... then wonder about that answer because it forces you to answer another question first. Sounds like a search for the root cause. Many of us have searched for years to come up with some reason for the way we are... looking back to see if "this one instance or event" was the cause of all these feelings.

After 40 years of life... and 20 years of knowing (deep down... even if I denied and ignored it).... I know I was born this way. There is no one event that makes you who you are. In this case.... I don't even believe there is any life experience that would make you feel this way.... you are either wired that way from birth... or you are not.

I'd like to suggest you look back from a different perspective. Instead of looking back for a cause... look back at your life, and see if there was an indicator... a tell... something, or many things that seem to you that may have led you to who you are now.

It seems that in so many posts about gender dysphoria, that people circle around the "I never wanted to play with dolls... or I never wanted girly things".... so where did it come from? There are many different things that go with being female. Does every girl want to play with Barbies... no! Horses.... no! Wear heels all the time.... no! You say you look back and never had any female traits... but have wished yourself a girl many times.(that one is a big indicator for sure) I know I blocked out many things from childhood... things I just didn't think were of any importance, and I wonder if after time... some things will come back to you.

For me... from age 4 there were indicators. My Cousin confirmed this when I came out to her (something about the way I move and behave... which I was aware of and always tried to keep a lid on). I started stealing my sisters tights around 5... and it grew from there. I also had "My Little Ponies" when they first came out (yeah... indicator... one that while I have been on Lauras for months... has only come back to me this minute . But I also started riding motorcycles at 6 1/2, building bicycles at age 10, brake jobs at 11, install car stereos at 12. I was raised as a boy... but not one of those things negate that I am... and have always felt like a girl!

When I reached the age of sexual exploration... it easily could have been seen as just a sexual fetish (so that seems to me a normal thought). Like you, I'd remove them right after... but that was a matter of getting caught. Over the years, I actually went years without dressing at all. denial is normal I think! Everyone wants to fit in... and be "normal" when they are in there teens. We all just want to fit in and have friends. I lost some friends in grade school because I said something considered "girly" or "gay". I tried really really hard not to make that mistake again... which was simply denying who I was!

You also mentioned that in your conversation with your aunt... that you hadn't intended to wear the clothes for "personal time", but the clothes have an "exciting effect" on you. Is it not exciting and exhilarating to simply be ones self.... if you've been cooped up in a closet all you life? The times I go out... it's exciting... and relieving!

You said you accepted that there are things you can not change, so accept that .... You can not change who you are, and denial of parts of you personality I believe can be damaging (leading to over compensation... depression, and other dangerous thoughts). Had you been born female... would you feel you shouldn't want these things (clothes, nails, hair)? Would you feel you shouldn't want to ride a motorcycle or drive a sports car? Probably not!

I will forward something someone here at LP told me when I first started posting here. Go as far as you need to to feel comfortable with yourself (still the best piece of advice I have received here, so thank you! If dressing is as far as you need to go... so be it!

Don't dwell on weather you should or shouldn't dress... or about being fake. There is no fake! You are you... so just BE YOU! Denying part of yourself... weather gender or fetish will not make it go away! I'm sure everyone here will agree... If you are not generally unhappy being a guy, then... dress when you feel the need! I have a friend who is a Crossdresser and Bi Sexual. He has a growing Law Practice and a wonderful girlfriend! My point here is that Life goes on... dressing doesn't need to be a "hardship"!

If you are simply a crossdresser... then dress if it makes you comfortable. That may be all you need as is the case with my friend! But if that isn't enough in the end.... Admitting you are trans is a HUGH change of life, and being scared is totally understandable! I wish I could say there is no consequence to it.. but there IS! It certainly doesn't mean it will ruin your life. I identified as "Genderqueer" for many years. A meaningless label for me feeling equal parts male and female. But dressing was never enough, and I was always still in the closet! I finally decided I couldn't live there anymore!

I'm going to say this... because it has come up before. You have time... to figure this out! Don't feel you have to rush to a conclusion in the next month or 6. Stressing about who you are isn't good in any way! If you rush to conclusion and make the wrong choice, you will regret it forever! I know the "gender noise" gets very loud at times.. and that's why it's best to see a gender therapist (even if you self shrink..... or only to be out to someone... or use as a sounding board). I can't tell you who you are... only you can figure that out!

Good luck dear!

Hugs,

Kaylee

[Guest (S)hE-W0lf]

Hi Again

Thank you for the responses, I appreciate that you took the time to read the entire thing, thought I might have made it too long. I left out some details I noticed, oopsies , I am 20 years old, still very young, and no need to rush, nor does it often bug me majorly on most days, but it is as if it has gotten more intense or I am always aware that it lingers in my mind since I started looking into the cross-dressing and what it might mean. I tend to look for meaning where there might not be any, and I could even convince myself that the meaning I find in things is actually there, even if it is just there according to me, which is why I also constantly feel that all this questioning might be "made up"? I am looking to validate the question, though if I made up a problem, that doesn't make it any less real to me does it?

It has been less than a year since I started questioning and even though I have nothing to go on really, I feel guilty or wrong to say it bluntly but, I think I want to be a girl, linking the past wishes to my current thoughts has sort of just brought it back without there being any reason, I think I might be interpreting it wrong since it lacks reason or motive, I feel like it fits though, maybe I am looking at it wrong but I the thought of being a rather being a woman seems better somehow.

@Ashley, thank you for the story you linked me, and for the advice, I have looked but unless I did something wrong I didn't see any gender therapists specifically in my area. I have started seeing a normal therapist about 2 months ago though, will be going back in two weeks time, I hope she can help me sort my thoughts out a bit, but I suspect it will take some more exploration to get those in order, let life happen. I myself am Atheist but I do not mind you being so proudly religious.

Does it make sense to say, I think of myself as a guy who gradually wants to be a woman more and more, rather than I might be a girl in a guy's body? I feel out of place more often than not, but I wonder if that isn't me just being my typical loner self, or am I loner and feel out of place because I cannot relate to anyone around me.

I do take away from your post the fact that someone can still change or diagnose themselver wrong in these cases and end up in an entirely different situation. From Cross-dresser to woman. If I have to try and image how confused you had to feel during that time, I don't know how you managed.

@Kaylee, thank you for the very detailed response. You nailed a thought I was having as well. Could a person whom starts out at cross-dressing, maybe even shrug it off as a fetish thing, still gets very, uhm, physically "happy" when dressing up, come to be transgender? I cannot say there were signs though, more that I have always felt out of place. I learned at the end of 2011 though that my father isn't my real father, I dealt with a mother that allowed my younger sister to walk all over her slave brother and I wasn't allowed to visit friends or go out which put distance between me and my amigos, I am also a very solitary person, I close myself off easily and therefore I don't know if that might have been why I felt out of place.

I do not know how far I need to go to feel comfortable though, I feel very weird about all of this still, maybe I am still fighting this because it is strange to me. For the time being I am happy just trying on things when alone and when around my step mom, my aunt and my best friend, but I find myself looking for ways to do so outside, I don't get why I want to put myself through such stress nor what would be different to life when being dressed up or acting different, but it is like I just think have this nagging feeling, maybe false hope, that it will be better? I know that my interests don't particularly indicate anything gender specific, I know tons of girls that like what I do, except girls, I don't know any girls personally that like those, but does it make sense to say I think there are interests which I would either develop or grow because I feel they do not suit me as a male?

I am reasonably vocal when I have a problem though, so I have some friends and my mom and dad and my step mom that know about the cross-dressing. I don't let the rest of my family know though and I haven't shared the details of my thoughts on maybe being transgender with anyone other than one friend and the therapist, honestly saying it out loud makes me sound so crazy. I like getting other's opinions as well on things as different perspectives help sort out a lot of my own problems, not just things relating to this. I don't have anyone who has gone through this themselves to speak to though, which is why I am looking for answers or something online. I have found myself being much more relaxed since I could be more open about it though, having people whom I can shed the load on every so often without holding back helps a metric ton.

I sort of feel I don't want to be in the closet always though, I have had thoughts of trying to go out to a gay bar or something before, even thought I could play it off as a joke and pitch up like that at work or find female bike clothes and just not stop moving and do an outing, but I can't build up the nerves to even buy makeup, nor save enough money to buy shoes for my monster man feet. Ugh.

I would like to ask anyone that reads this and has gone through wanting to be a girl, even if it was only for a while, did you have any direct specific reasons you could point out or list? Did it make sense? Has it been enough for anyone to just feel like that is what you want? Much like you feel you love someone or you forgot something but you don't know what?

Thank you again for the warm welcome

Leo \ Katelyn (Which ever you prefer)

[Guest ashleynikole]

Doh! I now see you are in South Africa and Psychology Today is a US based site. My bad. Yeah, hmm. Perhaps your regular doctor can recommend someone who can help. Otherwise, it would have to be Google. Hope you find someone to meet with.

[Guest (S)hE-W0lf]

I am hoping for the same thing, though it wouldn't surprise me if there wasn't someone like that in this area, this backward country is very homophobic and just groups all of these things as part of that, though I have noticed people tolerating homosexuality more and more so maybe there is something along those lines here somewhere.

I read your story, and I am thankful that you posted that. I have had a friend of mine preach to me that I should drop the cross dressing, and that I am lost but going on with this would just make me more so. She said that if I found God I wouldn't need this and I would find my identity in him, I should remove myself from the equation if I understand correctly. I might not be religious but I wondered how much truth there could be to it. Might I really be just confused and lost? Would abandoning this and just doing what everyone expects me to and what I have been brought up to believe, be the better option? You certainly don't seem to have found the answer by doing just that, and same for most of the other people's posts I have read.

Thank you for the inspiration and advice.

[Guest ashleynikole]

Lyn,

In my 20 years of following Jesus, I have experienced many things I do not understand. From the first time He called to me, I heard His voice as clear as you see the sun rise and know the sun exists and is real. Since then I have learned much about our God, our Creator.

When I was on tour in 1996, I had an accident that caused me to end up in the ER with a compressed disc in my lower back. The pain was so intense that I could barely breathe much less get out of bed. The doctor said that this would never go away, it would haunt me for the rest of my life. The next week I spent most of my time on my back, and forget even trying to play drums on the road. After one week of no relief, I gave up. I laid down on the floor of the lobby of the church we were at and I cried out to God, "I am not moving until you heal me." I was intent on laying there until I was healed, even if it took weeks. My bandmates picked me up, carried me to the van and we drove 8 hrs to our next stop. When I woke up the next morning I could get out of bed with very little pain. By 3 days later, I was lifting the heavy speakers and setting up and tearing down our equipment. The doctors confirmed that I no longer had a compressed disc in my back (I think my mother still has my x-rays).

In 2008, after swearing off having any more kids, my wife and I came together and realized that God had been speaking to both of us, separately, about having another child. We have always been one to trust and so we did. 2 weeks later, she was pregnant.

In 2011, God spoke to us and told us to adopt a little boy from overseas. We were in the process of getting out of over $150,000 in debt and didn't have the approx. $27,000 in expenses it would take to make that happen. In my prayer time, I told God, "If this is what you want, you better bring your A game because I don't see at all how we are going to get the money to make this happen". In 9 short months, God provided every last penny we needed to make that adoption happen. God provided for the adoption and then overflowed our pockets beyond that, so much that by the end of 2011, we had cleared our debt completely. Not understanding why God called us to this child, the very town in Ukraine where we lived for 4 weeks while we worked through the legal system there, was one of the Eastern towns that was sieged by rebels these past few months. I like to think God knew this was coming.

In 2011 after just a few weeks of being back in the States, God again spoke to my wife and I and put on our hearts to have another child. For the family that was ready to quit having kids after just 2, we would soon be a family of 7. 2 weeks later, my wife was pregnant.

My life has always been about God speaking and my being obedient to Him (no different with my story you read). And if I've learned anything about the character of God is that He likes to do extraordinary things in some of the most unconventional ways and through the most messed up, broken, unconventional people. Noah was a drunk, Abraham was too old, Isaac was a daydreamer, Jacob was a liar, Leah was ugly, Joseph was abused, Moses had a stuttering problem, Gideon was afraid, Samson was a womanizer, Rahab was a prostitute, Jeremiah and Timothy were too young, David was an adulterer and a murderer, Elijah was suicidal, Isaiah preached naked, Jonah ran from God, Naomi was a widow, Job went bankrupt, John the Baptist ate bugs, Peter denied Christ, The disciples fell asleep while praying, Martha worried about everything, The Samaritan woman was divorced (more than once), Zaccheus was too small, Paul was too religious, Timothy had an ulcer, and Lazarus was dead! Our God is a God of redemption, of reconciliation (after all, he redeemed us with the blood and resurrection of Christ). He even told us in John 9 when the disciples asked Jesus, "Who sinned? This man or his parents? That he was born blind?" Jesus said, "Neither him or his parents sinned. This was done for God's glory"...and then he healed the man so that God would be glorified.

God does different things with different people for different reasons and different purposes. Did God make you a crossdresser for a purpose? Maybe, maybe not. I can not tell you the answer to that, only God can. I can tell you that we would be amiss if we took either extreme and said "only facts" or we said "only faith". Wisdom and knowledge is important and even something that brings glory to God (Proverbs 25:2). Your friend is well intentioned, but to think they know what God is going to do, or how He is going to do it, or to assume that everyone should be just like them and stop doing things that they think is a problem, is arrogant. Who am I to tell others how God is going to work. As Christians, we are called only to be witnesses. A witness does not tell the jury how to decide the trial. A witness simply tells the court what they experienced and lets the jury decide for themselves what to think.

I lived for so many decades trying to "do" what the people at church said I should be doing. I felt so much shame and guilt because I couldn't do it. Never once did it dawn on me to ask God, what He created me for. Do not fret. We are all made unique and for a purpose. I can't tell you what your purpose is, only God can. After all, I believe, He's the one that created you and he knows exactly how you are to operate.

God bless

Ashley

[Guest (S)hE-W0lf]

Heya Ashley

You seem to have had quite the hard life, I haven't exactly had it easy but by comparison wow, I realise I have so much to be grateful for. I grew up in a very religious house with a very religious family surrounding me and went to schools built on traditional and religious values. I was a firm believer not that long ago (Though it has been around 6 years since I dropped it). I still live by many of the values or morals that come with religion, though I have adapted some of them to my personal taste.

I had several problems with religion. For starters we have so many different Christian churches and versions and interpretations of it that some ended up contradicting one another and still each of them believe whole heartedly they are right. The second is that while they were gradually changing their views and becoming more open to concepts like gay and lesbian, they are very closed minded and even less accepting of foreign ideas. It would be nothing new to walk around the members of the church, whom are supposed to love their fellow man and everything God created and spread hate speech in the form of racism or homophobia, or seeing the same members preaching against then practicing certain things themselves. I do not mean to offend you or anything, but from where I stood, they all seemed like hypocrites and haters. Being a very hateful person myself and disliking that about myself I did not want to be part of culture and religion. How could you believe and yet have this twisted warped view of people He created? God doesn't make mistakes, maybe some girls have to live as guys for a while in order for them to truly become the being of hope and radiant light they are meant to be, point in case, you. The versions of religion surrounding me though didn't support such thoughts. If you are perfect just the way God made you then why expect you not to let it show, or attempt to change you? Why pray to fix you?

The last issue I had was with me, a regular occurrence I found was people failing then blaming themselves, then succeeding and saying they did nothing, it was all God. How was I to feel accomplished and build my very low self-esteem when all I am capable of is failure? Ask and you shall receive I believe the verse was? And so I did, I asked for help or a way out of my circumstances, I asked for something to change, I asked that I be guided, My hands were almost always bowl shaped waiting on something to happen because that is what religion preached right? It faded; I stopped caring about sooooo many things and just became a husk because of things.

I only realised after a while that I didn't believe any more. After school my Grandparents took me in due to issues in our household, I started regaining my will to live and flourish, I wanted to achieve something, anything, but I no longer believed in asking for help, if it was given I was grateful, as it appeared when people see you trying they feel compelled to help you, but it was then that I realised I have two hands on at the end of my arms for a reason, I have to make things happen, I have to rely on myself. I have since learned how valuable it can be to have someone to rely or lean on at times (hence me coming to this forum) but I am very much still atheist, though I would never tell anyone to stop believing.

As for my friend, I realise she means well, we have had discussions on religion on multiple occasions, it started feeling like she was trying to shove it down my throat after I politely asked her to stop and then one day I prohibited her from preaching to me... That has not yet stopped her and has put a strain on our friendship. I am capable of both interpreting God's word and preaching it to others, I have even supported her in rough times on her own ground, that being religious, while I do not believe (I actually don't like doing so though as that feels wrong, I don't even know if that is allowed, but the situation seemed to call for it). I know she cares and fears for my soul and wants me to see my "mistake", she really is a good friend, but she need to learn to keep her opinions to herself when asked to do so. I don't have a problem with discussing religion; I have a problem with it being forced upon someone else.

I hope I didn’t offend you with this.

To the point though, whether I have religious support or not, I have started wanting to live and discover things, myself for one, after just not having cared for some time, and that has brought me to this point, asking questions I don’t get. This is not the only aspect of my life that I am evaluating and questioning, work and social aspects and then my own interests and hopes for the future and what I want for myself are things I am both questioning and exploring, and I’ll be damned if I stop because someone thinks I am lost by their standards, I will stop when I reach a conclusion or when I have questioned enough to my own taste or if it leads to self-harm or bad health. This doesn’t make me less uncertain that I might be wrong though, but I can’t stand still or just go back to not caring again, that state of just surviving isn’t comforting one bit.

[Guest (S)hE-W0lf]

I appologise as I did not mean to make this a religion debate or topic and I hope I did not offend anyone. I just feel hurt that a close friend would use something like religion as a weapon to try and make me feel bad for what I was doing, maybe even attacking whom I was/am. I think you are right in how it should work, as He does accept anyone as they are from what I understand, no matter how you choose to go to, or worship Him.

[Guest ashleynikole]

Oh Lyn, do not beat yourself up or think that you are offending me. I am not offended one bit. It would take a lot more for you to offend me. In fact, I'm not even sure what you could do to offend me...haha.

Your experiences are not foreign to me in that I know plenty of people, who like you, got tired of the hypocrisy of the church and the reality is that even my old pastor who advised me not to transition, agreed that the church has done a HORRIBLE job in loving anyone that is different from themselves (especially LGBT people). As an ambassador to Christ, I find it an honor to be allowed to represent Him in this place. Because of that, I strive to emulate Him in all I say and all I do. I'm not perfect by any stretch, but I strive for it and work hard not to beat myself up when I just don't make the cut. The thing my heart wants people to know most is that Jesus is NOT His followers, not even a sum of His followers. I suppose if the PR department at Nissan did a horrible job, they'd have a hard time convincing people their cars were great, but that doesn't mean the design and build of each car is not immaculate and solid. God's people don't represent him very well. I totally agree with you. I hope you will see that the way we act doesn't change the nature of who God is, our amazing, loving Creator who made each of us for a purpose.

I love how you realized you have hands and feet and can walk your own path. That's exactly what God wants you to do. The first command ever recorded in the Bible was to Adam to have dominion over the earth and the animals and all living things. It was responsibility and work. To think that we're just supposed to sit back and just let the winds of change blow us around is ignorant to the character of God. God created and worked, it was the first thing He did. We are made in his image. It's only natural for us to create and work doing the things we love. That includes being yourself, the way God made you. I also love how you see the ditches so easily. Beating yourself up when you fail is an extreme and giving God the glory when you succeed is honorable. I think living in extremes is where you can get off course. We can't fall into the traps of the ditches on either side of the road we walk. We must learn to balance but with that also comes with the understanding that the answers don't always look like we expect them too. I prayed for years for God to heal me, fix me, make me whole. I expected that to mean that he would take away my feminine desires. He answered my prayers, only not how I expected. He took away the pain that was due to my dysphoria and is making me whole as we speak. Yes it means that the world will see me as a woman, but I'm okay with that. It means I'm healed and can live a truly authentic, God honoring life.

I hope you do find who God created you to be and I hope you run after it with a passion, and don't worry about what others think, just be you. I'm here to chat whenever you need it. PM me if you need me.

God bless