Carefree And Happy

[Guest Jo-I-Dunno]

What's this world all around me full of pointless things.

Stupid people, useless places, seems like nothing brings...

Me the joy of life that I see in those around me.

Just leave me be.

I look inside and I can't see anything at all.

It's too dark. It's too confusing. I think I'll just avoid it all.

Where do my emotions come from? I don't think I need them anymore.

Drama is such a bore.

Life has a funny way of getting you down.

When you think too hard you just begin to frown.

Maybe one day I will understand how to be carefree and happy.

But life is just so crappy.

I see a girl and I think "Oh my God, she's gorgeous."

Why was I born in such I way? Why can't I be that gorgeous?

I'm just a boy; why do I want this?

Why would anyone want this?

And then they date, "you wanna date," "no I just don't wanna date".

I just wish I were you while you prolly just want to mate.

And I just don't see that ever really working out, ya know?

I don't know what to do with what I got down below.

I lay in bed. What do I want? I don't even know what I want.

I want to be that gorgeous. I want a body I can flaunt.

But no. I'm starting to think it might be more than that.

It's more than the fact that my chest is flat.

I now know what it takes for me to just be happy and carefree.

I want a new body, new name, but I'll still be me.

And that's all I think I'll ever need.

My feelings said to me "just take my lead".

[Guest Irielle]

Nice, Joanna, and your last line is spot on! Your feelings will never lie to you.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

It's very good but it is sad for me. I know what it is to have that very regret of which you write. We are such pathetic creatures we MTF, and there you have it! When is it our turn to be carefree and happy?

Lizzy

[Guest Jo-I-Dunno]

It started out a song, but I've since forgotten the melody I had in my head. But it was obnoxious; I'm glad I forgot it.

It was also pretty serious most of the time, but once I thought of "It's more than the fact that my chest is flat." I added a few ridiculous parts here and there, like rhyming date with mate, happy with crappy, "I don't know what to do with what I got down below.", and want with flaunt.

So yeah; it's sad with silly injected.

But the last line means a lot to me, more than I realized when I wrote it. My therapist pointed out to me that I'm an emotional robot, and try to think through everything logically, even about things like love and death. And there's nothing logical about wanting to change gender. I needed to listen to my feelings to decide I want to transition, but I also need to listen to my feelings in other parts of life too.