I'm the new girl, Jamie! Maybe not so new after all.

[Guest Jamie61]

Hello everyone! I wanted to say thanks to all for the welcome and support. I have been reading so much here at LP and I want to someday, add to the experience for others.

For now I can really only offer my short bio so here goes.... I grew up a pretty happy child and I enjoyed playing without regard to gender. I was very feminine as I entered puberty. A puberty that was lagging most of the other kids. As my body began to change, it actually opposed my gender ID. I became enveloped in emotion, breast buds, rounded hips. I was often mistaken for female, which I was happy with. My hair was long and straight and my clothes, hand me downs from older siblings, were a mix of blouses and jeans ( I loved my sisters bell bottoms !) I experimented alot with clothing and even got caught a few times in bra and panty. Once by the neighbor. I had few friends, mostly girls. I was called names, but never physically threatened. My mind was thinking about how to change my lower half, I couldn't imagine such a thing as SRS back then. I was thinking about orchiectomy already. Well it all ended when I started using some makeup. I was being shamed to stop and so I mostly did ( publicly). Puberty was a war inside me and I was left with a deep voice and gynecomastia. I got told to wear a bra by the boys and told I should pull my hair behind my ears and wear earrings by the girls.... Male was just something I had to put down on paper, it's wasn't me. I ended up getting involve in drugs and alcohol to fit in somewhere. I had to hold my true self back and pretend... I dreamed of running away, living out west and becoming a woman. I dropped out of high school, but eventually went to college and ( fast forwarding ) found a career, married and raised a family all as an "M" on paper and in the eyes of others. But, in the mirror, on the inside, I have always been a girl. So now I am needing to fulfill some destiny that was put on hold. Not sure where it will take me ( maybe out west...) but I do know that last week I didn't check "M".

I know this journey will be a long one and it will be wrought with difficulty. I'm not unfamiliar with the issues, I've just never experience them. That is why I appreciate your being here for others so much!

Love,

Jamie

[Guest ashleynikole]

Welcome to Laura's Jamie.

By all means, put your experiences down in these posts so we can all learn something new and walk with you on YOUR journey.

God bless

Ashley

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Jamie. I'm glad that you like what you've seen so far. I do think we can be of service to you. Please feel free to post in any of the forums, and ask any questions. We'll be here for you. I do ask all our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, if you haven't already done so. They help us keep the site safe. A link is at the lower right of every page.

After five posts, you can access all the site features, including the Private Message (PM) system and member profiles.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Jamie,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna

[Guest Jamie61]

An early Experience

Excusing myself, I walk through the rooms of my friend's house to the stairway leading up to the main bathroom. Their home was nothing like my family's home. This house was filled with music, art, gourmet cooking, and personal enrichment. This was a place of possibilities. The decor throughout was floral, wall papered, trimmed, very fancy. So I climbed the stairs through a virtual botanical garden and found the hallway at the top of stairs. This hall lead to four bedrooms, a main bathroom and another stairway leading still further up. All the doors were closed ( they always were) and you were never quite certain who was home. I turned into the bathroom and gently pushed the door fully closed until the final click was heard. I gazed down at the pretty crystal handle and just below that was my first objective. The skeleton key rested in the key hole, like to a gateway, I slowly turned it until I felt my heart turn over with the latch. ... Everything about that bath room was soft and I melted into it carefully so that I could hear any movement around me. The warm of summer easing through the open window and a gently sway in the curtains kept the time. Like a flower in the morning sun I felt a rush as my true self unfolded into all the pretty femininity of that space. My spell became a small trance as my eye gazed in the mirror. My smooth almost 12 year old face looked full of intentions. Opening the medicine cabinet slowly, like a portal, I first stopped to smell a perfume bottle. Next, I carefully picked up the peach colored dispenser of pills ( my friend had showed these to me a week or two before). I twisted and pushed until a pill popped out into my hand. Had it fallen into the sink a tragedy as I was shocked to see the drain was wide open and the plug resting with its chain on the backsplash. But it didn't fall, it's slender oval shape and weight rested gracefully in my hand. I bowed my head down to accept this "little flower" inside me. I only knew it was a called "hormone" and that my mom had said that "only girls took them to keep them girls!" As my face returned to the mirror, my lips glistened from the handful of water, I stared at my face to see if it looked any different. I wondered if this hormone would change me. I was in heaven!

This is a true story, looking back not sure if it was birth control or some type of hormone for Mrs. I only knew I wanted a different body and was willing to act upon that. I feel bad about taking that pill from someone else, but I was young confused and desperate.

Forgive me,

Jamie

[Charlize]

I'm sure you will be forgiven. You certainly told the story very beautifully.

Hugs,

Charlize

[tracy_j]

What was a dream can become reality. Maybe not easy or quick but with perseverance and help it can become reality!

Hi Jamie

I hope your journey is interesting and productive

Thank you for sharing your experiences

Tracy x

[gennee]

Welcome to Laura's, Jamie.

[Guest]

Welcome, and I look forward to reading more of your well told experiences.......

[Guest Jamie61]

Thanks all! I am going thru some kinda of awakening for sure. I feel great, alive really for the first time in years! I've always enjoyed writing the occasional memois, but now the light is on all the time. I love my true self and recalling my experiences is wonderful. I'm scarred cause I know this world is cruel, but I'd rather be alive and on alert, then feeling dead and safe. I hope that makes sense.

Love Jamie

[Cyndee]

This is a true story, looking back not sure if it was birth control or some type of hormone for Mrs. I only knew I wanted a different body and was willing to act upon that. I feel bad about taking that pill from someone else, but I was young confused and desperate.

Forgive me,

Jamie

Good morning Jamie, I read your stories this morning, very descriptive and well written. These moments echo some of my years before T poisoning. I came into my Mom's birth control pills, I don't know what came over me back then. There were other female items of great interest, your stories capture those feelings of sneeking around in sis and mom's clothes.

In this time and place now we know why, there are clinical words and vast knowledge of such things. However back then there was no label or concept in a young mind, no Internet (except in research), no access to any care, no idea of what force was driving us to do such things, to a young person in the early 70's it was darn confusing, it became a dark secret, there was no outlet available to even discuss such things, and then a little later I found this magazine article in '76 that had a story about Renee Richards in it, becoming aware it was possible, this put the dream into the realm of possible, however distant.

Thanks for sharing here Jamie and best of luck on your journey.

Hugs

Cyndi -

[Guest Jamie61]

Thanks Cyndi! T poisoning is right. I do wish I would have "fought" harder to claim my real gender back then. I realize it would have been hopeless.... It just serves to make me an advocate for young people who know their true gender.

I'm happy to say that my journey is starting to happen, slowly!!!

Thanks!

Jamie

[KathrynJulia]

Hello Jamie

The world is slowly changing. Growing up when we did, it was a cruel world. Fathers were reluctant to allow for a feminine son, Mothers were frightened that we would be bullied and beat up. Some of our generation lost their lives and trans girls are still beat up, bullied and lose their lives. Life is still a struggle, but the rewards of letting your hair down, dressing in soft feminine clothing, and setting your feminine side free is worth the struggle.

It's never too late, I like to tell people. I'm a few month shy of 60, but for many of us, the dream never faded. There are many of us here to help guide you to the joy of being set free. The journey can be hard, but the rewards are there to enjoy/ So welcome to the community here on Laura Playground Jamie. A warm welcome and a hug. Kathy

[Guest Jamie61]

"then a little later I found this magazine article in '76 that had a story about Renee Richards in it, becoming aware it was possible, this put the dream into the realm of possible, however distant."

Renee Richards was amazing to me, I was in awe at this person how had actually done it! And was on television to boot. I wonder if she knows how important she really is to so many people. I knew my parents were special when upon seeing Dr. Richards they never once said anything discouraging about her or 'it'. I suppose my mom knew about me by that moment and I suppose she likely told my dad...

Jamie

[Guest Cari1967]

Oh Jamie. Your story is so mine. I'm sure you know how much I've wanted to be my feminine self. Just typing these words are a blessing. God bless you and your family. I've found that it's all about love and understanding. Sounds trite but it's so trun. Please write again. I'd like to hear more about you. Love, Carol.