Exploring me - androgynous, non-binary?

[Guest NeutraLee]

So, I may be a little late in the game here, but I'm a 40 year old whose trying to figure out who I am.

Somebody recently introduced me to the term "genderqueer" and I've been reading. Wow, does that ever sound like me!

I've known for a long time that I'm androgynous. I've done that gender role test a few times over the years and I consistently end up in the "androgyny" window, but at the very edge, on the "male" side.

I am female. Anatomically speaking. I've always gone as female, never really considering that there was an option. However, I've been asked about a million times in my life if I'm a lesbian (I'm not, but apparently I look like one), I've been called "sir" quite a few times, and at one point in my life in a very foreign country I would actually get asked a couple times a week if I was a man or a woman. So, yeah, these are not new issues.

I don't like women (sorry). I get along better with men. I am socially challenged though, because I don't fit in any group, and the whole damned world seems to be divided based on gender.

Anyway, I guess this is just an introduction and a general question -- does this all make sense? Am I describing something that exists? Might I find a place for myself in this world? Do y'all have any resources to suggest to help me figure this out?

I'm not looking for a new identity, or a new flag. I'm just another person trying to figure out where I fit in the world.

[tracy_j]

Hi

I do not think you are late in the game at all!

You do not sound unusual either. Read around a little. You will feel more at home.

I am somewhat similar although from the male direction - and I tend to feel more feminine.

I occasionally get misgendered but usually when wearing feminine clothing (my face is very male). I like living in androgyne style but as you imply the world is binary so it is not easy.

Yes it does make sense. It is not easy to see when you are on your own, but there are many others here as you will find!

Welcome

Tracy x

[Guest NeutraLee]

Thanks Tracy.

I'm really struggling with figuring out where I fit. When I first discovered the word genderqueer - eureka, that was me!! I felt like I would finally fit somewhere in the world.

But now I'm discovering that genderqueer people seem to be the misfits even in the LGBTQ community. Not L, not G, not B, not T. Just "extras" who don't really belong.

I was out with a gay friend and an "ally" and they got to talking about trans. They were all sounding very understanding and thoughtful, but then they started complaining about the LGBTQ acronym getting longer and longer and everyone wanting to be in it somewhere, and how ridiculous it is. That stung.

I just want to be accepted somewhere. Now, I'm worried that this new discovery of mine is not a solution to a life of social awkwardness and misfit status, but rather a guarantee of being an eternal misfit, since it seems like there might be nowhere that I actually fit. Am I wrong??

[tracy_j]

I think few people fit anything perfectly in this world.

I also know that LGBT is a grouping to help join and help the community but personally I have not got involved as I think the sexual angle is too confusing. It is like trying to group two different subjects together. There is overlap but not in all cases. The general public may see a connection where none exists and class all members as the same which would not really help either.

You are accepted here so being here you can relax and find your position in society. As androgyne we don't appear to fit but as a loose group there are others around. I see them from time to time. I wonder if they are just living as they live, and feel in any way different. From their looks and / or dress I see a difference to the norm. I have known some in the past but currently I do not.

I will re-iterate that few people fit perfectly into this world. You are not a misfit! I must admit I am a bit of a loner and although I wish to belong at times it perhaps does not dominate me as much as it does others. Society loves it's little clubs which unite yet exclude! I often tend to laugh at them.

Don't let it get to you. The entrepreneurial answer to your issues would be to create somewhere to fit. Relax, gain confidence in knowing you are not alone and be yourself. At that point it will seem far less of an issue.

Perhaps sounds hard to do but it at least gives you an aim. In general terms it is what I do - I like to approach things in a relaxed, confident manner (does not always happen this way I must admit).

Tracy x

[Guest NeutraLee]

Okay, so maybe I need to let go of the idea that I'll actually fit somewhere in the world.

The thing is, if this will not help me fit, it is the destruction of all hope that I will some day fit somewhere.

I've been struggling my whole life to fit. I know nobody fits perfectly. But I fit really, really badly.

I live a very solitary life because I can never seem to make any inroads with people. I'm more than a bit of a loner. I do everything people say one should do to meet people, but it doesn't work. I live alone, I don't really have any friends. I have no family at all. I live life alone.

Discovering genderqueer, it was like "ah-ah, that's the problem." It describes the problem I've always had. And if it's the problem, then maybe it's the solution. But I'm discovering that it seems to come with an outsider status even in the in-group. *sigh*

So, if this is not going to provide me with hope of fitting it, then it's kind of the destruction of all hope that I will ever fit anywhere.

I don't know. I have to try the lgbtq community. If I could even just fit in a little, it would be an improvement over the last 40 years.

[VickySGV]

It takes a while with any group to fit in to it, and giving up in the early stages of discovery is just that, giving up before others have a chance to get to know you. It has been three years since I began my migration into the TG area of life, and I am still on the fringes of it. I am not on the Board Of Directors of any TG organization, which in my mind would be "being in" the group. No one has offered to publish my great book, much less read the MS through. I can point to acquaintances when I go to events, but when I find their tables full of other folk, I go off by myself to an empty table instead of dragging a chair over and joining in the bigger bunch. Three years so far, but someone blew me away a short time ago by saying they missed me at one event recently. For a minute I couldn't see straight through my tears, they had missed me??? That could not be!! It has taken time, not doing much, but stick with it, and in time people will miss you when you are not there!!

Be there for others, you do and have shared enough for me to know you CAN fit and rightly so with the GQ niche, but it will take some time and some effort on your part to just go and be, and with time it will happen.

[Guest NeutraLee]

Thanks Vicky. I need to try, I really do. I'd be okay with fringes, as long as there's something.

Ah, to be missed by someone when you're not there. It kinda sounds like a radiohead song I've been obsessed with for years and years and years. I'm glad you got that experience. Maybe it'll happen to me one day.

I just did the SAGE test.

Your Raw Score is: -540, which indicates that overall you are Masculine

Your appearance is Masculine

Your brain processes are mostly that of a Male person.

You appear to socialize in a masculine manner.

You believe you have mild conflicts about your gender identity.

You indicated your were born Female.

ANALYSIS:
If your physical sex is Female your analysis confuses S.A.G.E., as you appear to have attributes of the Male gender, but have not apparently done anything to alter your physical appearance. Leading this program to wonder if you are actually Intersexed? If you are not, your hesitation to begin transition indicates you have doubts about your ability to successfully do so, even though you seem to be a serious candidate for Gender Reassignment Surgery.
NOTES:

• Your Answers indicate your psychological state has likely prevailed since you were quite young.

Ugh.

[Guest abigus]

I've only recently identified myself as "androgyn", and yet even that isn't quite accurate... But I don't mind; accepting yourself also means accepting that a single group probably won't describe who and what you are. I still have a lot of confusion and questions about myself and where I might fit in, but I relate to you on the opposite spectrum... I was born Male, but get along with women more, and any tests I've taken put me slightly more female than male. Chances are, there are a lot more people like us... and perhaps there will be a group one day that's all about that. But I ask, what is your idea of "fitting in"? I used to ask myself that, but all I could find is more and more seclusion... I do however, find great comfort in the acceptance of my friends and loved ones. In that sense, I fit in perfectly, at least in their eyes. Anyway... I wish you the best, and I hope you find the answers you need Just know that these things take time.

[Guest NeutraLee]

Hi ambigus. I love your username.

I agree, I think there are probably a lot of people in the middle like us. For most, they probably get by without really noticing it. It took me 40 years for this to show up on my radar. If I had friends and family, I bet it never would have come on my radar at all.

The "fitting in" thing is really big for me these days. The problem is, I don't actually have friends or family. Pathetic, but true. Family is a lost cause, but I desperately want friends and I can't seem to make them. So, for "fitting in", i guess I really just want friends... ideally authentic friends who I can be me with.

Obviously, gender isn't the only issue here. I'm not exactly socially skilled or connected.

Hearing androgyns from the other side of the spectrum is so interesting to me. Male born people who want to wear skirts. Totally and completely acceptable in my mind, of course, but I, as a female born person, could not imagine wearing a skirt or even wanting to wear one. Seriously, if I were wearing a skirt, I would feel like I was cross-dressing. Weird, that.

Anyway, thanks for the reply. It's interesting to hear from other people who are juggling similar thoughts.

[Guest abigus]

That makes sense... I have a lot of friends, though only a handful that I feel I could fully open up to right now... I wish I could tell you how that happened lol... I can say that all of them I met online. It's odd, because it can be dangerous meeting people online, but if you're careful, you actually meet and get to know people for what's inside at times... Perhaps you'll be able to find friends here I met my significant other/life partner online, in a forum much like this (though it was geared toward Empaths), and we've been together physically for over two years. So it's more than possible to meet good people online (I guess people are more apt to judge others in person, or perhaps it's just easier to avoid judgement online... I dunno). Anyway I certainly hope that's the case, and (as forward or corney as this may sound), I would love to be your friend. The more people I find I have in common with (even if, or especially if, it's in completely opposite ways) the more it helps me learn about and accept who I am

Oh and by the way, my name is actually a compound word of two names I feel I identify with (Abigail and Angus) xD

[Guest KatyDesire]

I just stumbled onto this forum today, and I'm pleased I did. I've been identifying as CD for a long time, but never felt totally comfortable with that. I am male born, and I can get along in male company, although I never really have been interested in the usual "male" topics of discussion - ie mainly sports, and fast cars. In fact, in general I do not care a fig about sports, and for me a car is just a convenient way of getting around. Always feel happier in female company. Have quite long periods with no need to 'dress' at all.

Those scales about where one fits in are all pretty hopeless - you can't sum up someone's entire psyche and life experience in just a few questions. For what its worth, though, I fall plumb in the middle.

I have been happily married for many years, to the best person in the world, and I have 2 wonderful adult sons, so I wouldn't want to change that for anything.

But I like my bits of jewellery, slightly ambiguous shirts, and, of course, my completely unambiguous, no-doubt-about-it feminine handbag. Which, incidentally, no one has ever commented on except to say that they liked it. So I think I might just have found myself right in the middle of the spectrum, as far as gender presentation is preferred. (For sexual preference - unambiguously male!)

Do I care if I have one of the 'letters' in the LGBT acronym? Not for a moment. I quite like the idea of being sui generis (for those without the benefit of a classical education, that means a type unto oneself). I have always liked that line in Rudyard Kipling's poem 'If..": If you can walk with kings, nor lose the common touch..." For me that is more important than disappearing into some group identity - I want to be able to connect with people because they are nice, interesting people, not because they are male or female or emotive or whatever. I will just be happy if, when they finally feed me to the worms (although I would prefer to be fed to the lions - I like them better than worms, and I think they would make better use of the calories), they can say "he did it his way".

Of course, being old enough to be regarded as just a bit idiosyncratic, and without a full bag of marbles, does make it easier.