I'm a gay woman with a male body. Am I the only one here?

[Guest nadia.elenovna]

I am very pleased to have found the SAGE test. It seems to be scientifically constructed, and it confirms what I have long suspected, that I am overall androgynous, as friends have sometimes commented about me, apparently perceiving my overall appearance. The test also says I am feminine in gender identity and in how I relate to others. I am physically male, however, and although the test says I would be a strong candidate for transsexual surgery, I have no desire for that. I am not dysphoric. In fact, I seem to go far beyond cross-dressing: I now take pleasure in knowing that I am a woman disguised as a man.

Just for clarity, since terminology often seems to be used loosely, I use “masculine” and “feminine” as referring to gender identity, “male” and “female” as referring to the biological plumbing of reproduction, and “man” and “woman” as referring to social roles. Is that anything like standard usage on here?

My sexual preference is for women; I am not sure whether their having a masculine or feminine personality/gender makes any difference for me. I am glad to have “androgynous” as the term for my overall gestalt. I have never liked “bisexual” for myself, since it implies that one has sex with both females and males. Although I have known for 20 years that I have had crushes on or been in love with some physical males (who might have had feminine personalities also), I have never had sex with a physical male and continue to be uninterested in doing so.

One shortcoming I see with the SAGE test is that it incorporates a lot of stereotypes. Women can be very good at math. Men can be compassionate. In fact, I think men lack compassion only if they are more damaged by what Reich called "the Emottional Plague" than women are..

I'm not in crisis, just trying to understand myself better. Would love some conversation

[VickySGV]

The SAGE is not a reliable diagnostic tool, and its score toward the end that you say yours is at, points to a Gender Therapist in your future because you have enough going on in that direction to even tackle the subject of your Gender Identity.

As far are your preference for women as potential partners, that is more the rule than the exception among our members here, since we have a large number who are still with pre-transition female spouses of record and have even had one or two FtM's with their male spouses. Some of us fit closer to assexual or pansexual, so sexuality and gender keep being their own separate things.

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's Nadia. You are certainly not alone. I took that test as well but certainly do not put much stock in the answers. As you noted it is quite easy to know the roles that are built into the test. I could make it go either way and for that reason alone don't find it reliable. As Vicky noted i found much more about my gender by working with a gender therapist. Enjoy your time here. We do ask all new members to read the terms and conditions found at the bottom of any page.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest sweetcharlene41]

Yes, WELCOME TO LAURA'S NADIA, I to am not interested in a complete sexuel change, Iv'e crossdressing so long now, I'm used to it, beside's, it must be VERY EXPENSIVE AND EXTREMELY PAINFUL, so I'll just stay the way I am. LOVE Sweet Charlene

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi Nadia,

I haven't taken any tests, but I know how I am. I have also only had relationships with women. I was even married to one once upon a time. Most often the women I have become intimate with were more aggressive, and masculine than myself. I used to portray myself as super macho. I think I didn't fool any close friends with the facade though. I was seduced by a guy once, but no relationship. I am not too comfortable with most guys, only sensitive geeks, and so I don't forsee changing in who I have relationships with in the future. Time will tell with the hormones. In any case, welcome to Laura's Playground.

Stephanie the Viking Girl

[Guest nadia.elenovna]

Sometime around the 80s, I learned from a quite trustworthy book that, at least in American culture, boys need to establish a personality completely separate from that of their mother, whereas girls don’t need complete separation. As a result, boys develop a hard edge to their personality, and it clashes against the hard edges of other men. Girls, in contrast, have edges like semipermeable membranes. They merge to some degree with their mothers and always merge partially with anyone they care about. Reading this theory, and knowing that my edges are semipermeable, I realized that my psychology is feminine, not masculine.

Why would I have such a structure? Probably because it took so long for me to detach from my narcissistic mother. I have only recently realized how narcissistic she was and the implications of that fact. She could not distinguish herself from me, nor I from her, at first. When I was 14, I had an unusual psychological opening up that freed me from much of the brainwashing of my Catholic childhood. Trying to detach from her made me militant in rejecting any views she and my father held, so that I could find my own. But detaching did not reverse the early patterns, which were in place by the time I was about five.

Still, I suspect there are plenty of people with a feminine identity in a male body who did not have narcissistic mothers and whose sense of identity goes back to their earliest memories. I know the currently popular concept is that gender identity is entirely learned, but I have no idea whether that has a genuinely scientific basis. In any case, all that makes no difference in my story.

It was about 1990, when I got to know Jeannie, that I began thinking about the implications of my discovery. If I had a feminine personality but was sexually attracted to women, that would mean I was a Lesbian with a male body! I thought that was simply a bizarre conclusion until I discussed it with Jeannie, who was what was then called a “pre-op TS” and who, under her previous name, had been the last editor of a major science-fiction magazine. As a result, she was a partner in the Forrest Ackerman Literary Agency, essentially representing every significant SF author in the world. When I told her I thought my conclusion was ridiculous, she replied, “Oh, no! Forrie had exactly the same belief about himself. That’s why he was the first technically male member of the Daughters of Bilitis.”

In about 1991, when I rolled over one morning, my breast pinched and hurt. I had never known that developing breasts were painful—and mine were developing. At their largest, when I measured them, I was a 34 C cup. I once asked a doctor about them, saying, “It’s not just fat. There’s structure under there.”

The doctor probed carefully and disappeared for a few minutes. Coming back, he said, “It’s a known side effect of the antidepressant you’re on. We could do a double mastectomy if you want.”

I laughed and replied, “That would definitely be unnecessary surgery. I’m not upset about them. More like amused.”

Jeannie was SO upset and envious. She had been getting the shots for quite a while, but my breasts were far more developed than hers. I suggested she might try the tricyclic. When I later told a priestess I was having a relationship with about all this, she commented, “Of course it’s the meds. It couldn’t possibly be because you’ve been channeling Aphrodite.” I’ve been off that prescription for 20 years now, and the structure has disappeared.