Is passing necessary?

[Guest DianeATL]

I used to stress about "passing" as a cisgendered woman. I blend OK but I gained a lot of peace and dumped a lot of stress when I decided to pass as me. I am a trans woman. I will be as beautiful and pretty as I can make myself, but I will always be different from my cis sisters. That's OK, that is who I am. To try too hard to be perceived as a such is nearly as bad as the mask I wore all of these years pretending to be a normal male.

I am who I am and I am working to be the best me I can be.

Don't get me wrong, I will be working extra hard to be "pretty" and "feminine" but the best I can do is A OK with me.

So learn about skin, make up, hair, voice and all of the nuances of being a woman, just don't forget who you are in the process and be proud to be you.

[Guest]

Very good, Diane!

When we stop worrying about how we appear, and start living our lives, that's passing! One finds that by living authentically, by just acting naturally, that acceptance follows - regardless of whether a person looks like a GG or not.

Love, Megan

[VickySGV]

"Passing" is one of those words that can make a lot of smoke and heat come up fast, but I agree with the light you put on it. Like you, I use all my "feminine wiles" as far as clothing, make-up, hair, perfume, et al, but the goal I have when looking in a mirror is to see the happy, unburdened ME staring back. I could get rid of another whisker or two, but they are not obvious to others (their wives and mothers over 60 probably have more than I do) and so, no longer worry me either. Things look good enough that I can smile and greet others warmly, or talk calmly and happily with anyone I meet. If they start looking at me with a funny look, maybe their contact lenses have slipped around, or they need to go to the rest room. (Don't let me stop you!!) Whatever anyone calls it that I do is fine with me, but I no longer worry about it. If I find something to worry about I head for the door!!

[Drea]

I don't think passing is a big deal

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Well the goal should always be to just be your self, there isn't much point in transitioning from one cage to other. I always tell people not to try to fit them selves into someone elses definition of what they should be. So in that it's awesome that you seem to have settled into being comfortable as you..

In regards to the actual question in your title, I would say that the answer to that depends on who you ask.. To some the answer would be no its not that important, to others yes it would be the most important thing to them. I know personally I just do not view being transsexual as a core identity for my self. So to me I just identity as a woman, not really a transwoman.

[Guest]

Where are the "Like" buttons again?

[Guest]

wow, I totally agree. I found too that the more you are true to yourself the more people around seem to recognize that and positive things start to happen. Or at least, that's the way i've lived it so far

I sure like to read what you write Diane

[Guest Wanda Michelle]

I've always try my best to present a feminine image when I go out. I know there are others prettier than me but there are others not as pretty. I just try to be the best woman I can and not worry about what others think.

Hugs,

Wanda

[Carolyn Marie]

I fully agree, Diane. That pretty much sums up my attitude, as well. I don't worry (much) about what others think. I just live my life, and enjoy it, and try my best to show others a smile and a positive attitude. The rest takes care of itself.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Mickey]

Dianne I can't agree with you more. I aint tryin' to pass as anything that I'm not. I am a TransWoman. It will likely always be obvious that I wasn't born a physical female but I have some amazing friends. Some old pals and a lot of new friends. It amazes me how just being myself, they accept me just as I am. Some, after they've had a chance to get their head around what it is that I'm doing, and the why I'm doing what I'm doing, will ask questions. They make great attempts at using correct pronouns, and apologize when ever they 'mess up'.

I am so blessed and loving life now. Every one that I am with can tell that Iam happy and it rubs off.

[tracy_j]

I agree Diane!

Passing is more a feeling inside.

In my early days I used to go out having got the dressing all wrong and brought the street to a virtual standstill. I have not changed a lot but become far more relaxed and confident so seem to be readily accepted dressed very feminine even when still obviously male.

It may be that some sixth sense comes into play - like animals can sense fear in their victims - people sense the lack of confidence and react subconciously

Tracy

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

there isn't much point in transitioning from one cage to other.

Very well said. I like that.

[Charlize]

Is passing necessary? no, pleasant yes. I prefer being able to live my life as a woman, trans or not. At this point our society prefers me to be either a woman or a man. I wouldn't be honest if i said that had no effect on me. It is easier and simply a more pleasant existence to not be called out on my gender and have to explain or justify any of my thoughts about gender. Most folks including myself just want to be themselves and being trans i'm no different.

I live my life as i am passing or not but passing makes it easier. Oddly just living as myself has made that seem to happen. I am accepted as i am by most whether i pass or not.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Jamie61]

Thanks Diane and everyone! I appreciate this discussion. As a girl with many candles on her birthday cake, and just starting my journey I am preparing myself for a transition to destination "me". Since I will be transitioning on the job, I believe that I will never "pass" in the minds of some people that I will have to interact with daily. Your sharing experience and insights are wonderful!

Jamie

[Guest abigus]

Where are the "Like" buttons again?

This topic is really good. I remember having thoughts like "I'll never be a woman physically, so why even try?" growing up, but I think I realize that even if you have that kind of attitude, and can achieve "passing", there's always the fact that someone can make you feel unnatractive and not "womanly" enough if you let them (something my female friends can attest to). Ultimately that's what it boils down to... accepting yourself. Sounds so easy put that way xD But it's a hard thing to do... I know it takes time though.

[Guest DianeATL]

I grew up in a self induced isolated existence, at least as far as real friends are concerned, because I was afraid to be me. Every day now I am more and more relaxed at just being me, this is who I am, take me or leave me. I can't begin to tell you how blown away I am with the result. As Stuart Smalley used to say on SNL, "gosh darn it, people like me". I gain more and more friends every day who really love and respect me and want to be around me.

Being me also gives me the confidence to meet new people and be "charming" versus sullen or withdrawn. For example yesterday I was having lunch at a favorite cafe bar and was chatting with a friend who is a regular there. She wanted me to stay around and meet a couple of her friends who were coming to join her but she warned me, they were pretty religious and might have inappropriate questions for me. Within just a few minutes I was getting along great with her friends and we were having a blast together. I never could have done that while performing the role of someone else.

I have even carried it to my own sense of style. No doubt the cis women can get away with less feminine clothes and still be cute but I know I need a certain level of being "put together" to feel like me and so I am doing what feels right to me. Last night was a good example, I wasn't overly dressed up, just a sleeveless red top and a black skirt, but I was the most dressed up woman at the bar last night. And I got tons of compliments about how good I looked from the other ladies. I wasn't out of place, but I was at the top end of the fashion band there. And now I just accept that this is where I am comfortable, female dogs be jealous. ;-)

My journey has seen a lot of peaks and valleys over the past 18 months and I had thoughts like someone expressed above, I will never be a good enough woman, so I give up. I started this thread just to encourage everyone to let your own light shine. I have friends who are tall, short, skinny, fat, redheaded, blonde, male, female, transgender, young, old, nerdy, you name it. We all come in different packages but it is the person inside that package that people are attracted to. Let that person out and be the best you you can be, everyone else is taken.

[Guest abigus]

Thank you Your story is very inspiring. I believe this to be true too, but sometimes (read mostly) it's difficult for me to apply it to myself. But now that you mention it, I have noticed I'm at my best when I'm truly not worried what others think of me. The moments in public have been far and few between, but there have been times I've let my true self out.

[Guest noeleena]

Hi,

A better word to use would be,...... to be part of , or belong to or with ,

Passing another in a car would be a better use of that word.

for my self being female and an out sider would be far harder to accept because of. lets see , i dont look right i dont look like a normal female or even a woman . well i know many women who dont look like normal females and dont look like women . no matter what they wear, yet we are still females and or women ,. and many of us sure dont look sexy or beautifull so . there you are and from a female who is a woman .

Can i say this , had it not been for take it ether way ..... How i look or dont look , i would never have done , been to , or met, or have had a fantastic life as i have had i not been born the way i was and have ,

Yes im weird different often looked at and not understood by a few, yet you know try this , be a member of a number of groups with a membership of over 1500 people and know every one and they of my self , and we get on well do things to gether at close quarters and are close as friends and work well together. .

What more do i need , do i have to look beautifull to be accepted do i have to look like other females to be accepted .

Or can i just be myself ...sure ....not perfect lots of flaw.s disibilitys and other detail that i have to work through . no some would say i dont look right, ..... Yet im the one who is accepted. , im the one who takes responcability for many details and things we do with in our groups ,

Iv worked hard to be were i am now yes iv had detail thrown at my self ..........and yes its taken a toll,

What i can say is i,v become a very strong woman and through hardship and put downs i,v come through . and have a life thats more than acceptable and could not wish for any thing more ,

Ill by pass that ...LOOK.... and just be content in who i am and what i have .

...noeleena...

[Guest ashleynikole]

My 2 cents? Be yourself.

I might look good and I might be close, but I assure you I don't pass all the time. Otherwise I wouldn't have people talking about me from other tables in restaurants.

But I have decided to just smile, nod, be friendly, laugh, stare back, anything that shows that I am completely content being me.

I used to freak out about passing but then I just realized most people don't care. Our society is getting better and if you avoid areas where you're more likely to get scrutinized and harassed, then you're likely to be better off. Also once you realize that people don't care, only then will your fears or beliefs about something or needing something will melt away.

These ladies and gentlemen were talking about passing when I joined the group a year ago and they were telling me the very same things before I ever went out in public. Now, I can see they were right, but I still had to learn on my own, so my 2 cents, I'm not sure we need to "pass" for anything other than ourselves.

God bless

Ashley

[Guest]

^^^^ :thumbsup: ^^^^

[tracy_j]

I think I am far less concerned about things now.

I was out shopping at the weekend for a new coat, dressed in my skinny jeans and polo neck jersey top - just feminine. The coat I went for was in the women's section so I had a look, tried one size on in front of the nearest mirror, then another and finally decided on the one I wanted (just like any woman). I did not notice anyone showing any concern even though the shop was busy as the sales were on.

Going to the tills there was a family in front of me. As they saw me they each glanced after being nudged by another (you know what I mean!) and suppressed a laugh but then ignored me, except for the husband who got an item of jewelry off a nearby stand and asked his family if it suited him. They just ignored him and he then stopped. I presume it was for my benefit but am not 100% sure as he did not look at me.

At one time I would have been really upset about a simple encounter like this but most of the time nowadays as with this one I just find it funny. The husband was the one who appeared to me to be obviously uncomfortable about things, not me. The family were initially reacting to something outside of their immediate lifestyle so were unsure - that is understandable!

Tracy