Lurking

[Guest NeutraLee]

I started online by lurking and that worked. So now I'm lurking in 3d.

I'm sitting at a coffee shop in the rainbow neighbourhood right now, for the very first time. Dressed very male. Feeling a little odd. Scared. Awkward. Conspicuous... Hopeful?

Yeah, so, anyway. Just sitting here alone and wanted to share with somebody somewhere out there.

[Guest abigus]

Very cool Well... not the depressed part. Actually hoping you feel better, but it sounds like a good thing you're doing. I don't get out near enough (social anxieties are one of my problems).

[tracy_j]

I wish I was there with you - sharing a coffee!

I know the feeling as I have been out - just no-one to go with.

It would be so much better not to be alone!

Still it is a start - I look forward to your situation improving

Take care

Tracy x

[Charlize]

I'll join Tracy and we can have an interesting party. I'll even spring for the coffee. I remember longing for someone to talk to when i was seemingly alone in a crowd and kinda wanting to simply blend in. As social creatures that human contact is important. You will find friends to share your coffee with. It just may take a bit of time. Meanwhile i'd like skim milk in my coffee. Sounds terrible but its the way this old girl drinks it, or black otherwise.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest NeutraLee]

Thanks gang. I really would have someone to hang out with. But, yeah, I don't exactly portray openness. Headphones, sunglasses, baseball cap, closed off.

I'm feeling so drawn to that neighborhood these days. And I actually sat at a coffee shop once, in my closed up little world, but still. And it worked, nobody kicked me out, said I didn't belong, or called me a hairy lesbian. That's gotta be a decent start.

I'm not sure what the next step is, except maybe some repeat, repeat, repeat.

[Charlize]

I think you should add slowly lifting the brim of the hat and maybe taking the sunglasses off. I found that i was able to make little steps towards just being out there as myself. Of course the big one was the fear the first time my high heel hit the pavement as i slipped(felt like crawling) out of the car. There was simply nothing to hide behind.

Repeat, open and expand until it is your universe!

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest abigus]

The more comfortable you feel, the better off for sure. Also, just frequenting an area is probably one step towards making friends... I mean, sooner or later you'll have someone ask you a question, and you'll probably be able to answer.

[Guest NeutraLee]

Ha, yeah, I have a long history of avoiding people by holing up in my own little world. I'm thinking it's probably because I have never fit in. I want to try to fit in this world, but it'll be hard to fight against 40 years of pulling away.

So, next time, if it's not sunny, I won't wear my sunglasses. How's that for a commitment. Maybe I'll even take one side of my headphones out so if someone does ask me a question, I hear them. The hat though? I think the hat stays.

[Guest abigus]

Sounds like a pretty good idea to me xD Hats are too fashionable to take off anyway. It's not like you're wearing one with a wide brim for example... though I bet if you went to a cafe wearing a sombrero or kasa, you'd definitely get someone talking to you lol.

[Guest NeutraLee]

So here I am lurking again, in pretty much the same get up. Minus the sunglasses, and no sombrero ambigus.

Odd thing though. The Starbucks guy mixed up the cups, so I'm sitting here with a cup declaring that my name is Anthony. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about that. I think I have to admit I like it.

Anthony. Yes, I quite like it.

Frighteningly, I'd be really interested in trying to pass as an Anthony once in a while. Damned breasts.

[Guest noeleena]

Hi,

I think it would take a day and a bit to get over to where you are as we are down under in NZ,,, as for drinks a milo will do very well thank you. i do go over to Austraila , and not long back from there Tasmania just over the river is Hobart so not far away i spent 6 weeks there , and as a drummer in two Brass Bands concert bands we have a membership of over 70 made up of 5 main bands .

So out and about well have you thought about joining a group or two as i have , im very involved with our groups ,

So you think you stand out a bit ,okay well i more than just stand out . im so well known i could not hide if i had to , no matter where i go some one knows me , I dont as the others say pass or blend in so try being on TV Nation wide writen up about in papers and give talks to 100,s of people and im not telling the 1 / 2 of it,

You know what try being embarrist of how you look okay , ill try to get my photo up , and having to face people face to face and talking was a major detail as well oh and major dyslixca , yet i knew years ago i would have to do what im talking about scared

worse than that , i,d hide if a camara was around stand up in front of others could not read and read what was on the paper lost the lines and the plot, , i tell you, if i got asked again i would not turn up or be so late it was over any way .

Put myself in front of 1000 people its how long do you wont me to talk for an hour or more.....not a problem ,

You know what . yes i get embarrist with how i look only had 57 years out of 67 of this. i know what its like ,

This is about confidence self worth and self assruance of who you are as a person , and 2 nd myself , as an intersexed female, im in the public with our Bands and as a public relastions person , for our many other groups , people look at myself some will wonder others i just go up to them and say hi and then have a natter with them,.

You know what,s so good about this , you forget your self for long enough to really do something that you think others will see you are not so different after all , and you gain a new friend,

What you need to do is... let.... your self know you can accept,,,,, who ,,,,,you are, for who you.... really.... are,

Trying to pass. something that will never happen for myself. and im a female with masculine facial features, and i talk about that with others and you know my many friends,,,,,dont care a dam......they accept who i am as i am ,

Hope you will see from what i.v said that fear is only what you ...think ...you see not what is really there, give your self a chance and open up , over 21 years ago this is what i did and they those who i have known over 57 years are still my friends today ,

........................................Acceptance is given to those who accept them selfs,......................................

...noeleena...