MEET ME: A Quite Geekish Introduction

[Guest oddly-charming]

Hello!

I'm feeling especially quirky and irritating as I set out on this biographical (or should I say autobiographical) journey, so bear with me.

I'm Donny, and I'm not totally sure what I'm doing or who I am, but I'd like to figure it out. Or at least I'd like to learn to accept that I never will.

For the sake of labels: gynesexual androgyne, possibly demiguy (I'm still exploring this concept.) XD

I'm 18, just beginning my freshman year in college, and getting ready to move into my first apartment with my girlfriend. I'm a passionate writer and want to make this a career some day, possibly diving into the crazy ever-changing world of journalism. Of course, I'm a self-identified bookworm. I'm an atheist, sex positive, a libertarian and an amateur comedian. I play the drums and the violin, I love history and philosophy, and I especially enjoy debate and the art of argument, something of which my significant other is not so especially fond. I also really love working out, particularly weight training.

I'm currently coming to terms with the idea that I'm utterly and completely separate from my gender, and if anything I prefer being read as the opposite sex, or male. I identify as happily lesbian--though I like the words gay or queer better--and I've accepted that I'm extremely masculine in my attitudes and expression. In fact, my family and I accepted this fact when I was a child and I started desiring a new, boyish name, haircut, wardrobe, toy collection and eventually to identify as a little boy rather than a little girl.

I learned about transgender people at age 11 through a Barbara Walters special my mom was watching, and I wanted nothing more than for my mom to go to my school and make them call me "he" and "him." I felt like a fraud. I also felt uncomfortable when people used female pronouns for me, and I particularly despised that my mom still wouldn't let me get a buzcut or wear "boy clothes." But when puberty hit I decided it was too much hassle pretending to be a boy when I knew no one believed I actually was. I zipped to the other far end of the spectrum: I became the girlie-girl I cringed to be--the girl I still can't believe I could live as. I just hated myself more and more inside, and eventually gave up on that as well.

I met my first serious girlfriend when I was 15, and proceded to fall deeply in love with her and, by extention, to accept and understand my sexuality. I still identified as female, but felt increasingly more uncomfortable with female norms and roles. When that relationship ended with a crash and a painful burn, I transformed from a tender soul with my heart on my sleeve to a more wary realist who relied primarily on their powers of logic. I focused on my music, my writing, and of course, school. I made friends and fought down crushes and ultimately became a more whole person to offer myself to someone as amazing as my current girlfriend.

In the process of discovering my self-worth, I also discovered my contempt for the box I had been forced into my entire life. I decided that perhaps the gray area where only the bravest of souls dared venture was the place for me. I buzzed my hair and just recently started growing out my body hair again. I bought a new wardrobe exclusively from the men's section. I still persist in wearing my sweet lotion and sprays, and sometimes like to top off my ensemble with some subtle jewelry. I work out regularly, and pride my toned and lean muscles. I also pride myself on my voice; for some reason the soft, yet somehow throaty quality to it pleases me.

My brand of androgyny is embracing both my masculinity as well as my femininity. I'm soft and hard, and I'm sweet and salty. I have my moments of "manliness" and my moments of "womanliness," though I can't say I have a girlie nature at all.

My confusion arises when I realize that I really don't mind being mistaken for a man. I enjoy it immensely. I savor the very idea of crossdressing with the intent to pass effortlessly. Sometimes I want to go out with male clothing and a wide-bill cap pulled low over my eyes and tell the cashier at Starbucks that my name is "Jacob." a very undeniably male name, to tip the scales irrevocably in the male direction for them, gendering me as male instantly in their mind, no matter what any other signals may tell them (my height, my round face, my soft voice, etc.) This urge in me could go far enough to make me believe I could be transgender.

But as I am right now, I'm just me. I like the gray area, and I love my girlfriend (who embraces my masculine side along with my feminine side.) I consider myself gender queer and possibly a demiguy. I like the term gynesexual to describe my sexuality because it doesn't imply my gender, only my sexual preference. I want to walk the line which my friends and girlfriend say I walk quite well: the line between masculine female and feminine male, between butch girl and pretty boy. But if I have to be honest with myself, I find myself enjoying the mega jock girl role mixed with the soft andro boy role mainly because the scales are perfectly balanced, and this throws people off. I like when people think "I can't tell."

So thank you for welcoming me into your community. I hope to meet all of you soon and get involved in the discussion here. I appreciate your time. Have a lovely day!

Donny

[Bulldog1948]

Hi Donnie,

WElcome to Lauras. You will find many differnt colors of the rainbow here. Please take time to read the T&C section down in the right hand cornor. This site is monitered 24/7 for everyones safety. WE also have chat rooms and special sucide prevention rooms. So, take your time and wonder about. After you've made 5 posts you can pm folks.

[Charlize]

Welcome Donny (orJacob if you choose). I think you will find others who share many of the feelings you described so eloquently. This is an amazing journey and there are many here on different paths. As we share them with each other they help us and others to take the next step knowing amongst other thing that we are not alone. For our younger members that seems obvious but we who are pre internet often were completely isolated. Times have changed for the better. Enjoy.

Hugs,

Charlize

[tracy_j]

Hi Donny

Hello and welcome

It's nice to meet you

Tracy x

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Donny. I really enjoyed your introduction, and can see the talent you have for writing. I think you'll find that exploring the forums and meeting like minded folks will be an interesting and rewarding journey for you. I look forward to hearing more about you, and from you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Donny,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna

[gennee]

Welcome to Laura's, Donny. I have saying 'Be who you are'. You are doing this quite well. By the way, what is the genre that you write?