I don't know what I am

[Guest abbersthenerd]

I know I'm somewhere on the trans spectrum, but I'm not sure exactly what label I am.

I was assigned female at birth, but I never quite felt like a girl. The thing is, I don't really feel like a guy all the time either. It varies from day to day.

When I was little, I always had my hair cut short, and I usually wore boys' clothes. Sometimes people thought I was a little boy, and it always made me happy when they did, because I wanted to be a boy. I remember I always hated being a girl. I didn't know there was any option other than the sex I was assigned at birth until I was a teenager.

Sometimes I'll feel really girly, and I might even wear a dress. That happens on extremely rare occasions, maybe a few times a year. I hardly ever wear dresses, and I hardy ever wear women's shirts. Most of the time I wear men's shirts and shoes and women's jeans and undergarments, and that mostly works.

But sometimes I experience dysphoria, and when I look in the mirror, it doesn't seem like me. On days like that, I wonder if I might be transgender. I'll use a few tight tank tops to bind my chest, and that works ok, as long as my shirt is loose, or I'm wearing a hoodie. I'll look in the mirror and if my chest doesn't seem flat enough, it makes me extremely upset. On days like that, I'll wear a snapback and hide the long part of my hair (my hair is mostly long but it has a shaved patch on the right side above my ear) under the hat. I'll usually have a hoodie with the hood up as well. I've thought about getting a binder, because it would really help, but I don't know where to find one. I never feel happier than when someone calls me 'sir' on those days, because it makes me feel validated, like I'm showing who I am, and people can see it.

Most days, I wear a T-shirt with a flannel shirt over it, jeans (I wear men's and women's jeans about equally), and VANS or Converse shoes. I don't often wear jewelry, except for some things I've made myself on a rubber band loom. I have pierced ears, but the earrings I wear are pretty much gender-neutral.

I know I'm genderqueer, but I don't know what label to use.

[tracy_j]

Hi

Hello and welcome

Thank you for your intro

You will perhaps soon have more idea of things by reading some of the posts here. You can find (or ask for) advice on binders etc.

I am a little similar but in the opposite direction. I do occasionally think about labels and perhaps more generally think of myself as non binary but in my opinion my label is not important as few people outside of the trans community would understand fully anyway. The important thing to me is to be able to live how I feel. It means I am more relaxed and coping with society is then far easier and natural - not forced.

In essence - my take is don't worry about labels - just live how you feel as best you are able! You sound like a person similar to many of us here who jump to and fro around the gender spectrum, feeling sometimes very girly, others more masculine but (at least in my case) generally on the feminine side of neutral.

Take time to get to know people here. You will learn a lot. I have and now understand myself better

Tracy x

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, hon. It would be great if we had a name to call you, but we can use your screen name if you prefer.

Yes, it can be very confusing. Unlike how most people perceive gender (as being completely determined by what's between your legs), it is far more complex and nuanced. I agree with Tracy, in that labels don't mean much at this point, and you shouldn't spend too much energy on figuring out which box to put yourself into. There is plenty of time for that later, if its important to you.

Our usual fall back response on the "what am I" question is to suggest seeing a gender therapist. They probably won't be able to simply tell you the answer, but they should be able to help you figure it out for yourself, and once you do, figure out what, if anything, to do about it. We have a list of G.T.s, by state, here:

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

It might also be helpful to read a lot of the discussion threads in this and the FtM Forum and see if others have had the same issues, and how they resolved them. The best way to learn, of course, is to ask questions, and you may do so in any relevant thread, or start one of your own. I do ask our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, as they help us keep the site safe. A link is located at the lower right of every page.

I look forward to hearing from you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's. I think your question will be answered with time. Posting and reading here helped me and i also did what Carolyn Marie mentioned and went to a GT. I hid for years 60+ but now with the internet and the support and acceptance you can find here you will certainly find yourself in much less time. I felt as i started to confront my gender issues i had to have all the answers right away but they came bit by bit and with them acceptance came as well. Finally i've been given some peace and you will find that too. Try to enjoy the search and journey.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest ashleynikole]

Welcome to Laura's

God bless

Ashley

[Guest nanniegurl]

Hello, I guess this would be the topic I want to chat in. I've never quite figured out exactly what I am, nor has it ever bothered me except for the fact that I can't ever seem to pin it down! I have been a cd for almost all of my adult life. Mostly in the closet! Only a handful of men have ever seen me dressed, and all were bi or gay. Never been with a straight male. In my younger days I was a cutsy tall skinny boy who never had any problems passing! Now that I'm 67, needless to say, that is gone forever! I don't have any regrets and I've never hurt anybody, I just do my thing and it's still wonderful! So, I'll stop now so as to make an extremely long story short and wait for a reply! Thank you for listening!

[Guest nanniegurl]

I know I'm somewhere on the trans spectrum, but I'm not sure exactly what label I am.

I was assigned female at birth, but I never quite felt like a girl. The thing is, I don't really feel like a guy all the time either. It varies from day to day.

When I was little, I always had my hair cut short, and I usually wore boys' clothes. Sometimes people thought I was a little boy, and it always made me happy when they did, because I wanted to be a boy. I remember I always hated being a girl. I didn't know there was any option other than the sex I was assigned at birth until I was a teenager.

Sometimes I'll feel really girly, and I might even wear a dress. That happens on extremely rare occasions, maybe a few times a year. I hardly ever wear dresses, and I hardy ever wear women's shirts. Most of the time I wear men's shirts and shoes and women's jeans and undergarments, and that mostly works.

But sometimes I experience dysphoria, and when I look in the mirror, it doesn't seem like me. On days like that, I wonder if I might be transgender. I'll use a few tight tank tops to bind my chest, and that works ok, as long as my shirt is loose, or I'm wearing a hoodie. I'll look in the mirror and if my chest doesn't seem flat enough, it makes me extremely upset. On days like that, I'll wear a snapback and hide the long part of my hair (my hair is mostly long but it has a shaved patch on the right side above my ear) under the hat. I'll usually have a hoodie with the hood up as well. I've thought about getting a binder, because it would really help, but I don't know where to find one. I never feel happier than when someone calls me 'sir' on those days, because it makes me feel validated, like I'm showing who I am, and people can see it.

Most days, I wear a T-shirt with a flannel shirt over it, jeans (I wear men's and women's jeans about equally), and VANS or Converse shoes. I don't often wear jewelry, except for some things I've made myself on a rubber band loom. I have pierced ears, but the earrings I wear are pretty much gender-neutral.

I know I'm genderqueer, but I don't know what label to use.

Hi abbersthenerd, I'm new on here too so I'm just wandering around looking for friends to talk to. I read your post with interest, and wanted to say that we have almost parallel lives except going in the opposite direction. I think there's not near as much pressure on a girl as there is a guy. Whatever your moods/needs are it is perfectly acceptable in our society for a girl to dress any way she wants, where a guy can't. I love being a man and I have no problems accepting my male role as husband, and father. Then I have these uncontrollable urges to feel feminine (dressing) and be with a man, Gotta do it "in the dark" as they say! Thanks for listening.