Non-binary "misgendering"

[Guest NeutraLee]

I was sitting in a bar with a guy, in what is now my regular getup, including a ball cap. The waitress came up and asked if "you gentlemen" wanted something or other.

I'm FT?, non-binary, exploring, whatever.

I was processing the misgendering, and I looked up, and she immediately apologized and said she got it as soon as she saw my face. I wished she hadn't seen my face.

I chatted a little about gender issues with the guy I was with. Of course, he had to go into the whole "but you're a beautiful woman..." He's trying to be helpful, but *ugh*. I am NOT a beautiful woman. I'm a person. That's it.

This was the clearest misgendering since I started dressing more male a few months back. I'm not sure how I feel about it. No preference either way, I guess, but at the same time it was kind of cool, and then kind of depressing when she switched as soon as she saw my "beautiful face."

How is it "supposed to" feel when I'm misgendered? But maybe misgendering is the wrong word, if I'm somewhere in between. For most of you, I've read that you're thrilled when you're gendered your target gender and upset when you're misgendered your bio gender, but I don't have a target, so I'm having a hard time figuring out what it means.

For the non-binaries out there... how does it hit you when this happens?

Random, incoherent thoughts...

[Charlize]

I think you've run into a problem we all have. Sure i want to be accepted and live as a female but more important is being accepted as myself and i'm much more than gender. I really prefer to be a beautiful person more than a hot female or male for that matter. It is my old friends who have known me as both who may come closest to understanding.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest devida]

This is pretty difficult because society has not moved to the point where an understanding of what someone who is non binary means. Thanks to increased media presence of transpeople, mostly actually transexual people, people are getting some idea that gender is not defined by what's between your legs but this hardly extends to more than thinking that if you're dfab or dmab and are uncomfortable with your gender assignment you must (obviously) want to be the opposite gender. Society has a way to go before it understands the concept of a gender spectrum. I do believe it will get there and maybe my granddaughter will grow up in a world where an automatic assumption of gender on the basis of dimly understood social cues will be considered to be as gauche as asking someone what race they are. She is only four but she doesn't think it strange that I wear It wasn't too long ago that ordinary people were obsessed with finding out exactly how much and what kind of non caucasian genetics you had. Who does that now? Nobody dares to ask me what kind of mixed race I am. Of course nobody asks me why I'm wearing the kinds of clothes I do, or why I am wearing make-up.

Every now and then random strangers say ma'am to me and then blurt out an apology when I reply. I want to be kind to them. They are already confused and explaining that I actually don't identify as either male or female is just going to confuse and shame them even more. So I tell them that it really is okay, and I smile a big, happy smile like they have complimented me. In a way they have. At least they didn't assume I was male!

It's not difficult for me. I know who I am and I am very happy with being between the binaries. But it is hard for them so I am as compassionate to them as I can be.

[Guest Casey]

I've been mistaken for a boy my whole life. Are you a boy or a girl is one of the first things I remember being asked, constantly to the point it really irritates me now but the more I learn to care for myself the more I realize it is other people's ignorance and small brains that is the problem. Their problem not mine. I am a straight androgynous person who just refuses to "act like a lady" cos it's all lie's and made up things used to control people and sell things to them.

[Guest Razilee]

Sometimes a present male, sometimes male, sometimes somewhere in-between. Usually it's with or without the facial hair that pushes the identification to the edge and away from that perfect androgynous look, between pretty boy and butch, a hard place to reach. I'm wondering if I should try to get accepted in either bathroom or rejected from both.

Love,

Raz

[Guest]

Sometimes a present male, sometimes male, sometimes somewhere in-between. Usually it's with or without the facial hair that pushes the identification to the edge and away from that perfect androgynous look, between pretty boy and butch, a hard place to reach. I'm wondering if I should try to get accepted in either bathroom or rejected from both.

Love,

Raz

I dunno, I'll shoot for staying in the Lady's room. Jjohns stink! JodyAnn

[Guest Charlotte J.]

I'm considering myself non-binary at this point, but the misgendering I feel is being mistaken for male, which is an understandable mistake since I physically present that way in public. So what I am struggling with right now is how to move closer to representing myself as myself in public. I live in a fairly conservative area, especially when it comes to gender expression, and that adds to my anxiety about transitioning my presentation.

But the reason I sought this thread out today is because I've had several social interactions lately where I've been acutely uncomfortable. I feel that men--traditionally binary men--see me and make all sorts of assumptions based on my physical appearance and then attempt to socialize with me based on those assumptions. And I just am left speechless a lot. Like, I don't know how to respond and engage in conversation, because so much of what is being said to me feels either completely alien or offensive. And sometimes I just don't want to engage with men because of this.

This doesn't happen all the time, and it doesn't happen with all men, and there's another struggle I have because I'm misgendered male by women--but this recurring phenomenon of just feeling totally misperceived is really frustrating. I don't know how to deal with it, and it's exhausting.

[GothicLucas]

Well, here's my take on it.

For me, being gendered "correctly" or "incorrectly" doesn't have to do with gender, really. It has to do with the transition I'm going through, and whether or not the other person acknowledges it. I'm an androgyne, and even though I'm going through a process of heavily exploring my masculine side right now (and toying with the thought that I might be FTM), I don't hate all of my feminine qualities and would miss giving up my unique birth name. So I don't actually get upset from simply being thought of as a woman, since I'm both man and woman. It's deeper than that.

If someone genders me as male or uses my preferred name (Lucas), I feel happy, but not necessarily because they made me feel more masculine. It's because they see who I am. They acknowledge the process I'm going through. Because I'm too feminine to pass in public, the only people who gender me male are people who know I'm trans, so I know they're doing it out of respect for me and that makes me so happy. On the other hand, being gendered female or being called by my birth name makes me shudder, because it tells me that the person doesn't see who I really am (if a stranger) or refuses to acknowledge the transition that I'm struggling with (if they know me).