So sick of being trans

[Guest Ryles_D]

I just lost a job after a background check. My background is spotless except for one thing- my name change. From a typically female to a very male name. I lost another job, where the person in charge of hiring specifically suggested I apply after seeing my resume. When I picked up the phone and confirmed yes, I am [name] the interviewer immediately went cold and seemed to do only the bare minimum.

I was so @#$#@ stupid for going with a male name. I should have gone with a gender neutral one. Because of a whole lot of crap back then I thought I had to identify as male and fully transition and... I just feel like I ruined my life at 18. Even if I changed it now, which I don't want to do because this is the name on my baby's birth certificate, it'd still show in the records and I could still lose jobs over it. I thought that if I went on T, maybe it'd fix things, but my records would still show the name change and I can't afford it anyways.

I hate it. I am so sick of it. I am so sick of how much pain and suffering I went through. I'm sick of how much I'velost. I'm sick of how much crap I got in college because of it. I'm sick of knowing that I'm never going to feel completely comfortable in this binary-focused world. And now, I'm faced with the prospect that I may never get a decent job because of it.

[Guest devida]

Hang in there. Things are changing. Civil rights are coming for transgender folks and with that the recognition that being transgendered has as much to do with your ability to work a job as being gay, lesbian, black, latino, asian or disabled. Some of those categories of people are already protected against the type of discrimination you experienced. For the rest, including trans people, it's coming rapidly. There will always be some prejudice and there will always be circumstances, even with civil rights and protection against discrimination, where you can still experience this type of ignorance in employment, as any African American will tell you. But you wouldn't want to work for a bigot or a bigoted company. It's too hard psychologically. Consider what a drag it would have been to get a job with a company that has hateful policies. Don't forget you're looking for a job but they are looking for qualified help. You are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you! It's their loss, not yours. Many companies, including some of the largest have understood that diversity in the workplace is directly related to the health and profitability of a company. Try to recognize that your being transgender is an asset to an increasing number of successful companies, not a deficit. Leave the dinosaurs to their well deserved evolutionary dead end. You really don't want to work for them.

[Charlize]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way and that employment seems to be so hard to find. It is hard for me to know exactly what is happening as i just don't have enough information. I certainly don't understand why a male name would cause such problems unless you are living completely as a woman now. That plagued me for a bit in another direction. Charles just didn't work with me in a skirt.

I understand the pain we face having to be completely one or the other. The binary system is very hard on all of us.

i worked much of my life in construction and was so scared when a job was complete. After all there was a family to feed and care for. Oddly after a bit of time i found an acceptance of loosing or not getting a job. The depression and anger passed and i just tried to use the time between jobs as well as i could.

Hopefully you can find some sunshine beyond the clouds. We are here and certainly have shared the feelings your experiencing. Best of luck as you move forward. In the meantime we've got your back.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Ender]

So, what are you going to do about it? Bad things happen but that isn't because you're transgender, it's because other people have issues accepting you. There's no choice but to keep moving forward.

I've been accepted into graduate programs , a very competitive fellowship, and been hired to teach many years after my name change. I put right on my CV "name legally changed on x date."

Maybe you're in a particularly trans-exclusive field or transphobic area, or maybe they had a candidate they preferred for other reasons. Either way, it's best to focus on what you can do to find a job. Giving up certainly won't solve anything.

And never say never unless you want to create s self-fulfilling prohecy.

[Cyndee]

And never say never unless you want to create s self-fulfilling prohecy.

Those are wise words above by Ender, I agree with this mindset. You largely create your own reality in this world. Beating up on yourself won't solve these problems, it just makes it worse, don't be your own worst enemy.

Make trans* smaller in your mind, not larger !

Discrimination does occur, no question, however changing a name is a legal right in this country we all enjoy.

Keep on keepin' on

Cyndi -

[Guest Ryles_D]

Here's the thing- it's not the company. It's one jerk.

The interviewer who practically hung up on me- it was for a position at a charter school in Boston. The person in charge of hiring told me to apply after seeing my resume which specifically said I had a leadership position in transgender clubs at school. That may have been part of why she was so interested in me. Yet the interviewer had the power to block me out of the job. I doubt I would have had to work closely with this interviewer had I been hired, and even if I did, I bet that if I was facing problems I would've been able to get it resolved in my favor.

This most recent job- I was interviewed by two managers who were perfectly happy with the legally female person whose presentation is closest to butch lesbian and who has a male name. The interview went great, they were excited for me to start. Then HR reviews my spotless background check (even my credit is great) and I lose the job. Now, yes, working somewhere with a bigoted HR isn't a good idea- but since the managers were fine with it, it's very possible that if I'd faced problems later, it would've worked out in my favor.

The job market is crap and I'm actually in an area that's seeing a surge in growth and is doing quite well jobwise. Yet I still know cishet people with advanced degrees who've sent out hundreds of resumes and are currently working entry level retail to put food on the table. Losing jobs over this is heartbreaking, especially because I'm not losing out on jobs from "bigoted companies", I'm losing jobs with people who are totally content with my situation and may even see my being trans as a boon to the position- because of some power-tripping jerk.

Right now- I'm not making enough money to support my family. I have a toddler who's being evaluated for special needs and, even if they were totally healthy, still needs food, clothes, and a roof over their head. Losing jobs over being trans is devastating to me.

[Guest Ryles_D]

So, what are you going to do about it? Bad things happen but that isn't because you're transgender, it's because other people have issues accepting you. There's no choice but to keep moving forward.

This is a darn useless, jerky thing to say. Yes, I'm moving on. Not a whole lot else to do, but it's stinging like crazy right now and I made the mistake of assuming a the "Androgynous and Intersexed Support Forums" were a place to seek Support during a very dark time in my life.

You don't know anything about my life and you need to get over yourself if you think that just because you've gotten lucky, no one has ever suffered due to being trans. There are most certainly things that have happened to me because I am trans that have hurt a lot and have taken things away from me, losing jobs that looked like good opportunities because of some dip is just the icing on the cake.

I don't care to go into them here, now that I know that if I express anguish and ask for support I'll be told to get over it and stop whining.

[Guest Ender]

This is a darn useless, jerky thing to say.

^Inappropriate.

Moving on from that..., my point was that rather than focusing on the negative, that you should try to remain as positive as possible and focus on what you can do to improve your situation. My additional point was that you aren't discriminated against *because* you are transgender but rather because other people don't understand it. This is an important point to make because it's the difference between "being trans sucks" and "being treated badly sucks." You seemed to be expressing the former sentiment, which I find problematic.

I strongly suspect that all of your paperwork has not been transferred over to reflect your current name; if it had been, I doubt that it would have shown up in a normal background check - mine doesn't but I sometimes volunteer the information for other, practical reasons. Checking on your documentation might be a productive thing to do while continuing your job hunt. Additionally, you can be discriminated against in private schools but not public ones in MA so, you may want to re-focus your efforts upon employers who cannot discriminate against you based upon your gender. Even if you correct your records, you could still be subject to discrimination in the private sector, particularly if your overall image is one that is considered less approachable (e.g., some butch styles can be very rocker-like, etc.). This may or may not be a problem but if you think it might be, you could ask one of your friends to give you feedback on the image you present.

Lastly, it's inappropriate to suggest that I've been "lucky" or have never suffered discrimination when you don't know me and are basing that assumption upon a very brief summary of my "hiring" experiences only. I was attempting to offer encouragement that openly transgender people can and do succeed in professional environments. I will not reply to your posts in future as I don't care for conflict; this site should be positive and I have no intention of contributing to it being otherwise.