Very confused. Not sure what I am.

[Guest SnowCat]

Hello. I am a 20 years old, born female, and I have felt different since the day I was born. While the other girls were playing with dolls and other girly toys, I was playing with cars and actions figures since I was 2-3 and were able to say what I want to play with and I didn't like anything girly. I liked playing sports and I also insisted to dress in boys clothes and to have short hair and I often stated that I wanted to be a boy and that I didn't feel like a girl. I also prefered to play with the boys and I always got angry if they seen me as different from them.

But around 12 I started to express myself more feminine mainly because I was getting bullied by many other kids for not being feminine enough and for dressing and acting like a boy. They called me things like "gay", "Transgender", "sweetheart", "the manwoman" and so on and I didn't like it. I was getting bullied for other things too. I wanted to be like the other girls and I started to copy them. My parents were also saying that I should start looking and acting more like a lady. I was also thinking that "a girl should be a girl" so I tried to be as feminine as possible. But I still didn't feel comfortable with my gender role and I always envied men for being born male. I have always imagined that when I get married I will "play" the man's role and do the man's job.

After I finished high school and went to university I started wearing more masculine clothing and cut my hair short again and this made me feel a lot better and comfortable in my own skin. Wearing female clothing just makes me feel a little weird, like I'm not being myself. When I'm socializing with guys I always want to be seen as one of them and I get annoyed if they treat me like a girl. I also like it when someone mistakes me for a guy, it makes me happy and I hate the fact that I have to correct them. Other thing is that I have always felt bad about that I am not as muscular and physically strong as the men are and I will always be weaker than them. I would also prefer to have chest muscles instead of boobs and a more masculine body. I like kids and I want to have many of them, but the idea of getting pregnant doesn't really appeal to me. I don't mind having a vagina, but sometimes I wish I could pee standing up and have sex "in the man's way". I also realized that I am bisexual and I always have been. Recently, I was thinking what will be like if I transition to male, but the idea of taking hormones scares me and doesn't really feel right for me and I'm not sure if I will like myself afterwards. I have gotten used to live as a female and it's hard for me to imagine what it will be like if I turn into a man. Also, I took a gender identity test and I scored as transsexual and I also watched a documentary where they were comparing male and female brains and you could do the experiments with them and it turned out that I had a male brain.

So, am I transsexual, non-binary or just a masculine female?

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's. I can certainly say you are not alone ....My father tried to shame me by asking if i was a "girly man". I knew how others wanted me to act but i was unable to explore or live as i wanted to act or be.

I can't say if you are transexual. that is a decision like hormone therapy that you must make over time for yourself. The tests are so easy to manipulate and are more an indication of what we want rather than what we are.

Spend some time here and hopefully it will help you find a path that feels right for you. you are with friends.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi SnowCat,

Welcome to Laura’s Playground.

The Staff and Member’s are very friendly.

This Web Site is very large, so take your time and explore and enjoy.

I hope that you find everything that you are looking for here, including good supportive friends.

Now to your questions, in no particular order.

“So, am I transsexual, non-binary or just a masculine female?”

Only time will tell, I do not know if you have any access to any Gender Therapists in Bulgaria, but it would be very helpful for you.

I feel that one issue that may be confusing you is the fact that you are Bisexual

This information may be helpful to you.

I Think I Might Be Transgender, Now What do I Do? (PDF) (This may be of some help to you)

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=731&Itemid=177http://abcnews.go.com/2020/Story?id=3088298&page=1#.Ud8yuVXD_IU

Also,

PFLAG (Be Yourself-Questions and Answers for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth)

https://docs.google.com/a/pflag.org/file/d/0Bz_Rb69kZTYDbTl2dmhWTFc4MGc/preview

A fresh new update to one of PFLAG's most popular publications! Revised in 2014, this publication offers a supportive and understanding approach to today's most common questions and concerns from youth regarding sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression. With youth coming out--and disclosing--at younger and younger ages, BE YOURSELF has never been more important. The publication also includes an up-to-date list of resources, including hotline numbers, other organizations, and more.

Starting on page 13, there is good information about Gender Expression.

“I took a gender identity test and I scored as transsexual” The test you took was probably the COAGI Test. This test is totally nonsence, and totally unreliable.

Hormones-Many transgender people cannot take hormones for one reason or another.

If you are unsure about taking hormones, remember, some effects are irreversible.

You may be happier living as a “Butch” or “boy” female, and remain pre-operative.

boy may also refer to someone assigned female at birth, who generally does not identify as, or only partially identifies as feminine, female, a girl, or a woman. Some bois aretranssexual, transgender, or intersex.^[8] Some "bois" identify as one or more of these, but they almost always identify as lesbians, dykes, or queer. Many are also genderqueer or practice --Censored Word--. Bois may prefer a range of pronouns, including "he", "she", or non-binary and gender-neutral pronouns such as "they", "co", "hir", "sie", "zie", "xe", and "ey".^[9]The term has found increasing usage in the larger LGBT culture.

“I wish I could pee standing up and have sex "in the man's way" You can always obtain a Stand2pee device and a ‘Packer” to resemble a male, to make this a reality.

Also, if you do not want a Mastectomy to remove your breasts, you can always wear a ‘Binder” to flatten your chest, w/o surgery.

“I am not as muscular and physically strong as the men are and I will always be weaker than them.”

Not all men are muscular, and physically strong. Just like women, men also come in all sizes, shapes and Body types.

I would recommend that you try some of these non-HRT and/or surgical recommendations first and see how you feel.

This section on LP may be of some assistance to you.

Female to Male (FTM) Transman Transsexual Articles and Lists

http://www.lauras-playground.com/ftm_articles.htm

I can only give advice as an MTF, you may want to Join the FTM Online Chat Support Group here and chat in “Real Time” with other FTM individuals and get their recommendations

FTM's , Female to Male Transgendered, Transsexual online chat support Group meetings-FTM ONLY

This group meets every Monday and Friday at 8 Pm Eastern Time in the FTM chat room on Laura's Playground. Open to all FTM's. Come chat and gain support with guys just like yourself. Moderated By : Any present FTM staff member. (NOTE : provided a FTM staff member is available whom is not currently in a crisis room with a member.)

I hope that I have been of some help to you.

I wish you Success and Happiness with finding inner peace with yourself.

Hug,

Carla

[Guest]

Hey, Snowcat.

Your story sounds pretty similar to my own. Being bullied into being some sort of feminine- being called an ugly man when I was a little girl was no fun and made me sorta repress any thoughts about being transgender. And then I ended up making alot of guy friends, like you, and just kept wishing I could be in their position.

Nowadays that I recognize myself, I also look at my frail body with disappointment. But ya know, you shouldn't say that you'll never be as strong as some of these muscular men. With a good amount of effort and help from your friends, you can have the body you're after. I'm doing my best to train, you just gotta stay motivated and you'll get there.

And I really understand wanting kids some day but dreading the thought of pregnancy. Glad I'm not the only one with that thought process. XD

Not too long ago, while I was down and out, I said to myself "Maybe I'm not so good at being myself, like I had thought. Maybe I'm just good at being who I'm stuck as." Don't let that be you. We deserve to feel like we're really here, you know.

Bottom line, here's what helped me: LABELS, SHMABLES. Booo, words. Try turning them off for awhile and just do you. Try to find what makes you comfortable. Live naturally and before you know it everything will feel so much clearer.

Sorry for my incoherent rambling, hope something helped you out some.