Hi, Everyone

[Guest Guardian]

Well... I have been wandering the Playground for a little bit, but I don't think I ever took the time to introduce myself! Hi, everyone!! I might have a lot to say, so don't feel guilty about skipping down a lil', okay?

Okay, here goes! Let's see... I've been sort-of exploring the Playground for a while. Actually, a long while. I've been poking around since the old forum, waaaay back when! I've loved being here, but I decided not too long ago that I should be more than just a guest here. I may not have any questions, aside from the kind that I can only answer myself, but I figured that I would feel much better if I could just brighten someone's day, somehow, or tell someone something that will bring a big smile to their face, y'know?

Anywho, when I registered here I knew I had to pick some sort of screen-name. Something to protect me, but something that, at the same time, people could identify with, and feel safe, and well around. So I chose "Guardian", because I think that word describes that pretty well... because there's nothing quite like a mother, and her inseverable bond with her loved ones. Being a mother is sort of a dream of mine... maybe a far-off fantasy that may never come to be. But that doesn't mean I'll ever stop reaching for it. Ah, oops. Trying not to ramble!

Of course, though, some people may wonder about my real name. "Guardian" is kinda impersonal, I think. I've come to know, over some time, that my real name is Jessica. It was an interesting sort of adventure that I went through to find it, but once I did I felt so great! The name felt right with me... my heart resonated with joy whenever I thought of myself, as that name. For anyone interested, I can tell you how... it's a long read, though, so I'll set it apart from the rest of this post. I've posted this elsewhere, but I really liked how I wrote it. I hope you don't mind me saying this again!

When I was little, very little, my mom told me about guardian angels, and how they watch over us. She told me things about herself and her meeting with these creatures... and how they've saved her life twice. She told me I should build a relationship with my guardian angel, and if I pray hard enough, I could even know its name.

This was something I had to try! I prayed every night, asking for her name. She wouldn't tell me, though. But I did find out a lot about her... She was very delicate, cheerful, encouraging, bright, and wonderful. Just thinking about her would cheer me up. When I was afraid to sleep, because of the darkness(a fear I still have today), I could imagine her, and her wings around me, protecting me. I felt so well. We were great friends. She was, maybe shamefully, the best friend I've ever had.

Eventually, at thirteen, I figured that a guardian angel is always with a person... except when the person wants to be alone. For this to be possible, the angel must reside inside somebody. So, I looked into myself to be closer to her. I found the same love I've always known - that same warmth. But I realized that she as always with me; always there. This was a very comforting thought. As I realized this, her name formed in my head. It was Jessica.

With everything I knew, I shared Jessica's deep friendship with me for years more. Only a couple months ago(now fifteen), did I really realize that Jessica is what belongs in my heart. She... is my soul. I'm Jessica. Truly, it feels like she lives in my heart... the warmth and happiness I feel radiates from that place. Now, I need to go forward with my life, and bring her out so that I can truly be her, everywhere.

Being oneself has its fair share of problems though... as you all know too well. I came out to my mom some time ago (by accident . She found my journal, which had everything in it ), and haven't found really much of anything. She didn't really act meanly, or badly... I think what really bugs me, though, is the lack of reaction. I've brought up the subject a few times, after, but she thinks I need more time to decide if this is really right for me( ) So, I don't know how long I'll have to wait to have her help on this. It may be never. But I have to be grateful that she didn't react badly Soon, I'll be working, and I'll be able to start transition on my own. I think if she sees me on my own, she'll understand how important this is to me, and just might sign whatever may come up that I'll need parental consent for!

All in all, I think I'm feeling well. Life has its ups and downs, for sure, but I don't want to waste my time focusing on all the downs. It can be hard, but I just need to remember that things are going to get better, no matter what! Hope you all feel well... and, um... I'm kinda outta breath *phew*... huh... I'm really glad to be here with you guys. Now, if you don't mind, I think I'll go rest on that swing over there...

Peace!

~ Jessica

[Sally]

Hello, Jessica!

(Sally shouts across the playground as she approaches the swing with a tray of Ice cold Chocolate milk and some off her very special sugar cookies.)

I thought that you should have the offical welcome with the goodies, but Hot Cocoa didn't seem to fit on a swing - too dangerous! (Sorry - strong maternal instincts.)

I have been reading your posts for some time and I am glad to finally meet you.

You are a very mature young lady and it is a pleasure to have you here.

Do you mind if I just sit here and swing for a while?

It's good to just relax and have fun every now and again - life can be stressful, but if you think of all of the ups and downs like being on a swing it seems better.

After all there are two high points - one in front and one in back with only one low!

Love ya,

Sally

[Paula ult]

Hi Jessica,

Welcome, i see Sally has stopped by already with the snacks, i too have read your posts and find you very mature.

**** HUGS ****

Paula.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Jessica (my oldest daughters name)

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

I see you know you way around already.

Glad you are here!

Lizzy

[Guest Zabrak]

Welcome to Laura's Playground, Jessica!

[Guest mia 1]

Well you've been around for awhile and I don't know how it could take you so long to introduce yourself (formally) but so glad you did...enjoy us now on a first name basis and keep posting...so nice to have you Jessica......a little welcome squeeze is in order.....Mia

[Guest Jackson]

Welcome, Jessica!

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Well Hello Guardian!!

I know where you are coming from!! I have a very strong maternal instinct too!! Especially towards all of the members here at Laura's. I want to protect all of you. Welcome dear, I am so glad you decided to actually join!!! Very good step. You will find that we all embrace everyone with open arms!! You are so safe here dear, please come in and be secure. Feel free to participate in the forums!! Everyone is welcome to share their thoughts. We all benefit from each other's insight and ideas!!!

Welcome!!

Love

bernie

[Guest Naomi Stardust]

Jessica!

i'm always interested in where names come from

and yours is such a beautiful story!

thank you

and welcome!

[Guest Guardian]

I'm so glad for such a warm welcome!

I'm sorry I couldn't be here sooner, but with spring break being over, now, I can only do anything on Laura's over the weekend... because I can stay up during the night-time, able to do anything I want that I normally wouldn't be able to do during the day. I love being here, because I get to feel so alive when I can be myself! When I wear my armour, marching on in the real world where I still have to blend so perfectly into the male role, I forget myself, and I live in an "illusion", if that makes sense... But, whenever I think of you all my misty eyes clear, and I can't help but to smile!!

... Big hugs for everyone... And, a big thank-you, too.

Oh! Before I forget...

"It's good to just relax and have fun every now and again - life can be stressful, but if you think of all of the ups and downs like being on a swing it seems better. After all there are two high points - one in front, and one in back, with only one low!"

- Sally

I'll put that someplace where I can always see it... reading it makes me feel very well

Love you all,

Jessica

[Guest Frank67]

A little late as always, but better too late than never

Welcome to Laura's Playground, Jessica