Hello

[Guest Nathaniel Darling]

*smiles sheepishly* Hey there.

I'm new, well, obviously. For awhile I've been exploring around Laura's Playground, and found it to be a wonderful site. It's the only place I've found that I really like.

Anyways, about myself....

For as long as I can remember I've never really been comfortable in my skin. I never really understood why until recently I guess. I always felt weird in skirts and dresses, and hated when my mother called me her "pretty little dress up doll." People found me odd for being a bit unfeminine, and I didn't get along with most of the girls in my school, and my only friend there was a gay guy named James, who I've known since middle school, but he was too busy with his after school activities to really hang around me. We weren't too close. So I was alone most of the time.

So I dropped out and got my GED. Ever since I dropped out, luckily, James and I had started hanging out more often and became closer. We fell in love with each other during this time...and in case theres any confusion, at this time James's name was still "Selina" and my name was still "Kira."

One day he actually asked me out, and we started "dating" but it felt uncomfortable. Neither of us liked the female body but at the same time neither of us were interested in a heterosexual relationship, even though were were both attracted to males.

We thought we were lesbians, and we came out as lesbians originally, much to the disappointment of James's parents, but that didn't sit right with me. How could I call myself a lesbian if I didn't really like girls, or if I didn't want to be touched by a girl...

A few months of dating, and the uncomfortable feeling did not fade. One day I just sorta stared at myself in the mirror for over an hour thinking about things, and why I hated myself so much. I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut off my long hair, (my mother is still mad at me for this) and just kept hacking at it till it was above my shoulders...then wrapped my arms around my chest to press down my breasts which for some reason I hated....then thought for awhile longer....then eventually I just broke down in tears and started wishing I was born a boy...at the time I didn't understand what I was saying.

A week after that I started researching transgenderism, and talked about it to James. We talked for a long time and eventually we both came to the same conclusion, as to why we really loved each other but hated intimacy, and hated the awkward uncomfortable feeling. We decided that it's true we are gay, but at the same time neither of us like girls.

It's been a year since then and we've still been living as "lesbians" to everyone who knows us. We're still "together" but are never intimate. I cannot even kiss him without feeling awkward, even though I do truly love him. To our friends we're "Kira" and "Selina" but to each other we are Nathan and James...it's a secret that we're so scared to tell, yet we want to so badly so we can stop living lies. I'm afraid of telling my mother her daughter is dead, because she never wanted a son (she's told me this herself), James is afraid of being mocked and punished by his parents, and ridiculed by his friends. We want help...but are too scared to go anywhere to tell anyone to even begin seeking it...

Everyday I wake up and stare at myself in the mirror, and everyday, I resist punching that mirror and shattering it in attempt to destroy the reflection that I hate so much...but then I remember that it's only a reflection...and realize it won't change regardless of what I do...

Anyways, lastly, I'm sorry this is so long winded, but it's hard to compress something like this...but I thank those who read through it.

-Nathan

[Sally]

Welcome Nathaniel,

Let me welcome you to the forums, if I had been here earlier I would already have the refreshment cart stocked for this morning.

Come on into the 'Member's Lounge' and have a seat by the fire, would you like hot tea, coffee or hot cocoa?

We have some really nice cinnamon rolls today - I just baked them so be careful - they're hot!

OK, the food and lounge are virtual, but the friendships and warmth are very real.

You have come to a very good place to start to 'sort things out', we will answer questions, you can visit any forum and ask, answer, tell or just read - the forums are your's now.

We have a section for SOs but as James seems to have similar Issues he might not identify as an SO, but is welcome to join and learn about himself as well.

Eventually you will need to find a therapist who specializes in Gender Identity Disorders to help you determine where your place is on the gender spectrum - it isn't either or - ther is so much more to it, sort of a sliding scale with stops everywhere.

Look around, if anyone comes by while you are out, they'll leave you a note.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jackson]

Welcome, Nathan.

Well, this is really a journey of discovery for all of us. You and James are no exception. So we're here for you two.

[Guest Nathaniel Darling]

Thank you so much Sally. :] Cocoa sounds lovely, and I'll definitely have to try one of your Cinnamon rolls sometime, virtual or not they sound lovely ;]

And James is actually away on a school trip in New York at the moment, but when he returns I will definitely have him join, at this point he and I are going through this together and i'd feel more comfortable with him by my side.

I actually do have a therapist though, but she is not a specialist for my particular case. James and I both see her, we plan on opening up to her about this though, hopefully she can help find some specialists for us. I just have to work up the guts to come out to her first, but I trust her, it's the looming fear of my mother's reaction i fear the most.

Thank you very much for the warm welcome hon. =3 You're very sweet.

Nathan

[Guest Jackson]

it's the looming fear of my mother's reaction i fear the most.

Nathan, you are not alone on that one. That was my biggest fear too and I'm 37 years old. But I also realized that I didn't want to be on my death-bed at whatever age and regret not having done this. It's my life and I need to control my own happiness not someone else's. It's been almost a year and she's finally kind of getting to the point of (maybe) accepting it.

[Sally]

Nathan,

Jackson is right - you are so not alone, I'm 57 and still dealing with my mother's denial - she's sure I'm mistaken!

Coming out is one of those things that is really not as hard or as bad as we think it will be.

I did end up losing my wife over it, but I didn't get shot by her gun totin', huntin' brother-in-laws!

So alls well that end's...well it ended!

Looking forward to hearing more from you and James,

Sally

[Guest Nathaniel Darling]

Yeah. My mother is quite a wonderful woman, and she was very accepting of me when I came out as a "lesbian" when i was still confused. The thing about that is that this is something totally different. She always tells me how pretty I am, and got so mad when I cut off my hair. Always blabs on about her wonderful "daughter" and how she's so glad she had a girl and not a boy...and how weird she thought it was when I started wearing clothes from the mens section when she thought I "looked so much prettier" in women's jeans. ._.;;

I just feel like it'd be to her, almost like telling her her daughter is dead....I think it'd devastate her...as accepting as she is this may be a bit much for even her...

I just hope I can fess up one day though. I really want to stop pretending to be her daughter when no such girl exists. It kills me to lie to her...

[Guest Donna Jean]

Nathaniel.............

Welcome to the Playground, Hon....

I see that Sally has made you comfortable and brought out the treats...

I want to thank you for sharing your story with us..sometimes that is very hard to do...I know..

Look around some more here, I know you've been checking it out for a while, but it is safe and welcoming with LOTS of really wonderful people....

Please make yourself at home and relax......OK?

Good...............

Donna Jean

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Welcome, Nathaniel. I think you'll find a lot of understanding people to chat with here.

[Guest Nathaniel Darling]

Nathaniel.............

Welcome to the Playground, Hon....

I see that Sally has made you comfortable and brought out the treats...

I want to thank you for sharing your story with us..sometimes that is very hard to do...I know..

Look around some more here, I know you've been checking it out for a while, but it is safe and welcoming with LOTS of really wonderful people....

Please make yourself at home and relax......OK?

Good...............

Donna Jean

Thanks hon, you're as sweet as Sally's cinnamon rolls. ^^

And thank you for allowing me to share it with you. Simply writing it out made me feel better. So far I'm just exploring around the forum and the main site. I'm sure I will eventually start posting around more though. Everyone is so nice here, I'm sure I'll settle soon. :]

Nathan

[Guest Zabrak]

Welcome to Laura's Playground, Nathaniel.

[Guest Nathaniel Darling]

Welcome to Laura's Playground, Nathaniel.

Thank you kindly for the welcome. ^^

[Sally]

Yeah. My mother is quite a wonderful woman, and she was very accepting of me when I came out as a "lesbian" when i was still confused. The thing about that is that this is something totally different. She always tells me how pretty I am, and got so mad when I cut off my hair. Always blabs on about her wonderful "daughter" and how she's so glad she had a girl and not a boy...and how weird she thought it was when I started wearing clothes from the mens section when she thought I "looked so much prettier" in women's jeans. ._.;;

I just feel like it'd be to her, almost like telling her her daughter is dead....I think it'd devastate her...as accepting as she is this may be a bit much for even her...

I just hope I can fess up one day though. I really want to stop pretending to be her daughter when no such girl exists. It kills me to lie to her...

I have the pressure of having been the only 'boy' out of four children in my generation, I have an older sister and my mother's sister had two girls the same ages as my sister and I - My dad's brother's never had children so we were it.

I get even more of the 'only boy' thing now because both of my cousins have died so now it's my sister and me and I think she is having that much more trouble accepting that I have never been that boy all along.

We will get through this and hopefullt they will adjust to things - they should when they see how much happier we are.

love ya,

Sally

[Guest Nathaniel Darling]

I have the pressure of having been the only 'boy' out of four children in my generation, I have an older sister and my mother's sister had two girls the same ages as my sister and I - My dad's brother's never had children so we were it.

I get even more of the 'only boy' thing now because both of my cousins have died so now it's my sister and me and I think she is having that much more trouble accepting that I have never been that boy all along.

We will get through this and hopefullt they will adjust to things - they should when they see how much happier we are.

love ya,

Sally

Yeah, thank you so much for sharing, it's nice not to be alone. I believe what scares me the most if the fact that I'm an only child of a single mother who loves her "little girl" very much, and taking her girl away from her would hurt her, I'm sure of it. She's already come down on me for such small things, I'm so worried about crushing her. I'm just hoping that I'm mistaken and she will be as accepting of this as she was when I came out as a "lesbian" way back when.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

NAT

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

You have just found the perfect place to be. Everyone knows how you feel INSTANTLY. So look around and post a few times - let us have your input, ask questions!

Nathaniel - your Avatar threw me off. Usually a FTM will have a more idealized version of themselves as male - but that is just me talking.

[Guest Nathaniel Darling]

NAT

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

You have just found the perfect place to be. Everyone knows how you feel INSTANTLY. So look around and post a few times - let us have your input, ask questions!

Nathaniel - your Avatar threw me off. Usually a FTM will have a more idealized version of themselves as male - but that is just me talking.

Thank you kindly! Heh, Nat. I love that. ^^

Heh, actually the picture is of a male, a really young looking one though. It's a digital painting of my own original character named Jack. The full image is here: http://Kira-Miyuki.deviantart.com/art/BC-B...e-Sea-116946938

I guess I just use him as my avatar all the time because he's a special character for me. :3 It's not really supposed to be a representation of how I envision myself, but more of a sentimental thing for me as an artist I suppose. ^^

[Guest Jackson]

Thank you kindly! Heh, Nat. I love that. ^^

Heh, actually the picture is of a male, a really young looking one though. It's a digital painting of my own original character named Jack.

I guess I just use him as my avatar all the time because he's a special character for me. :3 It's not really supposed to be a representation of how I envision myself, but more of a sentimental thing for me as an artist I suppose. ^^

Hey, good choice of names for your character. If we all really looked like our avatars, I'd really be in trouble. Or then again, maybe not. All the ladies love my dog.

[Guest Nathaniel Darling]

Hey, good choice of names for your character. If we all really looked like our avatars, I'd really be in trouble. Or then again, maybe not. All the ladies love my dog.

*giggles* Why thank you! =D And I'll say, if I looked anything like Jack I think I'd spazz...even if he is adorable...having his bi-colored eyes would be quite wicked though. x3

[Guest Jackson]

...having his bi-colored eyes would be quite wicked though. x3

Hey, I didn't notice that. I've always thought bi-colored eyes would be pretty wicked too. There have been times I've wanted to go to work wearing only one colored contact, but I figured I'd get too much teasing from my coworkers.

[Guest Nathaniel Darling]

Hey, I didn't notice that. I've always thought bi-colored eyes would be pretty wicked too. There have been times I've wanted to go to work wearing only one colored contact, but I figured I'd get too much teasing from my coworkers.

I would so do that, don't care what my co-workers would say. (They already find me weird enough as it is lol.) Natural heterochromia is such an interesting genetic mutation in my opinion. My mother once worked with a man with one light blue eye and one yellow-green eye, he was wicked cool looking.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

AVATARS

I have had mine so long I forgot who it represents. Manga I know - anyone know?

[Guest Nathaniel Darling]

AVATARS

I have had mine so long I forgot who it represents. Manga I know - anyone know?

I have no idea. It actually looks familiar though! I thought I'd seen it somewhere before when I first saw it, I just can't place it. D: *rolls*

[Guest Elizabeth K]

looked it up in a file - Shizuru_Tomoe_2tn.jpg

liz

UPDATE - My Otome - its yuri genre anime - with a love interest between Natsuki & Shizuru

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_sbcavBQTs...feature=related

[Guest Nathaniel Darling]

Yes! That was it. She's Shizuru Viola from Mai Otome. xD

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Nathan!! (and James too!)

I am so glad that you are here!!! Welcome!! You are already well into your paths of your true gender identity realization!!! Your relationship with each other is obviously very supportive and contstructive for one another. Please be patient, and do not hate your reflection!! Simply work steadily torwards your goals!! You will arrive. Who you want to be and what you were born is a burden we all share and all know!! You are with people who care, love, and understand you!!

Sally, Lizzy, MaryEllen, Zabrak, Mia, DonnaJean, Michelle.Butterfly, and a whole lot of other people are the wisest, most reassuring, and supportive people you could ever meet!! We are all here for you.

You are now safely home!!!

Welcome my dear,

xox

bernie