A Different Kind Of Coming Out Discussion

[Guest Pól_Eire]

First, I'm relatively new here, so hi everyone. I've been doing the creepy lurker thing for awhile at this excellent forum and finally decided to post.

I'm looking for some advice, I guess.

Here's the deal. I've been living essentially stealth at college for the past two years. I say "essentially" because a few people on campus know that I'm a transguy and my friends from high school, who know I'm trans, have come to visit. Practically speaking though, everyone I know at college thinks I'm biologically male. Which is nice because it means that a) I pass really well I get to be a lot closer to normal than I was in high school, so people don't look at me funny and c) I am much more able to make friends and interact with people because I'm much more comfortable in my own skin. (I am pre T, though). Sometimes, though, it feels like I'm lying and telling people the truth at the same time because I am who I am but I'm not who I've always tried to be in the past (that's really convoluted, I know, but I think it makes sense).

I've now made a couple of really close friends who are hetero biomales. I'm now considering telling one of these friends that I'm trans. I've had plenty of experience talking to people who knew me as a girl and explaining to them that I'm now living fulltime as a guy, but I've never tried to have the conversation with someone who thinks I've always been a guy without ever having had to try to pretend to be a girl. Things get more complicated because the friend I'm considering telling knows that my relationship with my parents and family sucks but doesn't know why and is curious about it, and because the discussions we usually have tend towards the far side of politically incorrect.

Does anyone have any advice for telling someone who doesn't know you're stealth that you're trans?

I've not decided that I'm going to actually do this, but I'm thinking about it and could really use some outside opinions. I'm not sure this is even a good idea, but I'm thinking about it.

Thanks in advance for any and all opinions/advice.

-Pól

[Sally]

Well, I would like to officially welcome you to the forums and also move this topic to the Introductions forum where everybody can see it.

I have never been stealth so I have no idea of how to come out from there, so just sit down here, have some pizza and soft drinks and someone woll come along with some suggestions.

I have been less than successful in my coming out so , I think you'd prefer to wait for someone with a better track record.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Naomi Stardust]

welcome, convoluted is a word that applies to many of us

i am not anywhere near stealth, so i can only wish you luck with whatever you decide

you know your friend and i don't, so you are the only one who can judge what his reaction will likely be

as far as how to,

i'm sure someone will be around soon with a good idea or two

enjoy the forums and feel free to give any advice you may have for others

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I am not stealth but want to be eventually. I always thought stealth meant stealth!

I wouldn't say anything to anyone unless very specifically asked, or backed into a corner where I had to tell!

But if a serious relationship of a romantic nature came into play - after a period of time I would feel obligated to tell someone I was really coming to love the truth of my birth assignment. Thats the only time I would do such a thing.

But I am not sur. just think I feel that way. It's a personal thning - only you can answer.

Lizzy

[Guest mia 1]

Another person without any helpful advice,,,you are further along then me and I may never get to where you are, but hopefully someone knows how to help.just a welcoming note to help and hope your heart's quesrtions get answered......Mia

[Guest Pól_Eire]

Thanks for the welcome and and the virtual food, ladies. Even if you haven't gone stealth, I'd welcome any speculation. I could really use someone else's opinion because it's hard to break out of my own circles of thinking.

Thanks,

Pól

[Guest michelle.butterfly]

Thanks for the welcome and and the virtual food, ladies. Even if you haven't gone stealth, I'd welcome any speculation. I could really use someone else's opinion because it's hard to break out of my own circles of thinking.

Thanks,

Pól

Hi Pól, welcome!

I would offer you some virtual food but I already ate it all... Oops... <tiny virtual burp, cute of course>

*sigh* I'm not sure this is good advice which is why I didn't offer it before, but I think the right way to handle this if you are stealth and have the urge to tell someone is... just don't. There is no need for anyone to know if you wish to be stealth. If you tell anyone you risk everyone finding out.

I do not really intend to ever go stealth as such, but I do intend to have places, perhaps circles of friends, where I am not open about my past. This is not because I'm ashamed or anything about who I am, far from it. I just want the chance to be seen for who I really am, and, as unfortunate as this is, as soon as someone knows about my past, I become not just Michelle the super funny, colorful girl they have so much fun with (), but Michelle who actually wasn't female to begin with etc. etc. etc. I think perhaps 1 in a 100 (just a guess) can not have that be the first thought to jump to their mind once they know, but I just want to be able to go places and be myself around others and be treated exactly the same as any other girl they know.

Anyway. Now of course I also believe totally hiding yourself away isn't good and you will need people to talk to about your experiences and past, so, despite what I have said above, I can see you carefully choosing a select few best friends to tell your past. In that case, the best way I have found is I say "There's something I want to talk to you about..." and then I'm stuck having to continue, and usually the follow up is "I'm a girl" but since this would go the opposite direction I might say something like "I was born male and lived in that role until I accepted that I was a girl inside." I'm not sure the exact wording at this point as it has not come up.

Ok, that's all I've got. (Yes, this is still pretty short for me... )

With much love,

Michelle

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear Pól_Eire,

First, I want to welcome to Laura's!! We all are so glad that you have arrived!! I want you to feel comfortable and accepted immediately for who you are!! Welcome, my dear!!

Now as to your question... How well to you feel that you know this person you want to explain that you are trans to? Imagine, based on your knowledge of him how he would react. I ask you this question, at this point, since you are clearly accepted among males as male (nice going!!) why do you think that it is neccessary to "come out" in the first place? I am only asking and I don't want to put you on the spot my dear! You are already at a place that, I, certainly am not. I, at the moment, do not pass consistently enough to be among the girls and remain accepted by the girls. I think it is wonderful that you have accomplished this acceptance at such a young age!!

Maybe, as a test, give your friend a hypothetical story about an FTM and see what his reaction is before you disclose yourself to him.

Just some thoughts of mine.

Welcome again!!

bernie

[Guest Little Sara]

Welcome Pól_Eire,

Sometimes, though, it feels like I'm lying and telling people the truth at the same time because I am who I am but I'm not who I've always tried to be in the past (that's really convoluted, I know, but I think it makes sense).

It makes sense because I have a friend who feels strongly that way, although she's had estrogen for a while now.

I felt this too early in transition, but much less than my friend did, and I mainly felt that way around family...until I felt the stupidity, that is, they acknowledged me on the surface, but not any deeper than that. They weren't too consistent save with the name. I think very few even considered me female. I see none of them now (I chose not to, they didn't decide not to see me).

[Guest Pól_Eire]

I just want the chance to be seen for who I really am, and, as unfortunate as this is, as soon as someone knows about my past, I become not just Michelle the super funny, colorful girl they have so much fun with (), but Michelle who actually wasn't female to begin with etc. etc. etc.

Anyway. Now of course I also believe totally hiding yourself away isn't good and you will need people to talk to about your experiences and past, so, despite what I have said above, I can see you carefully choosing a select few best friends to tell your past.

Michelle, Bernie, and Sara, thanks so much for responding.

Michelle, you've pretty well summed up where I'm coming from. I'm worried I'm going to mess up one of the only close friendships I've ever had. I do pass well, and I'm thankful for that every day. I pass well enough that I've done some incredibly stupid things, like hooking up with girls who still don't know I'm trans.

How well do I know Sean (not his real name)? I know him pretty well. I know him well enough that I was with him when he cried about breaking up with his girlfriend. Sean's told me before that he thinks I'm really alone and isolated (well, OK, he used much more colorful language than that, but since this is PG-13 website and all that, that was essentially what he said) and that I can talk to him and he'll listen. I have talked to him about my parents and other stuff, and kind of metaphorically about the trans stuff, and I'm pretty sure he kept it to himself (if he didn't, I never heard about it). Some of that stuff is pretty intense, but this is a whole different kind of thing to keep to yourself.

I've always had a lot of trouble making close friends and now that I know what it's like to have one, I don't want to lose having a close friend just because I can't keep it together sometimes. Sean can almost always tell when I'm having trans issues (usually after I've seen my family or gone to another disastrous session with the family therapist), and he knows something is up with me that I don't talk about. I am seeing a therapist (have been for more than 2 years), but I still have a lot of trouble talking to her.

Sean's basically much more of a people person than I am because I suck at this whole feelings thing, but I really really don't want to mess this up, and knowing me, I probably will. I hate asking for help, so me even being here is a pretty good indicator of how important this is for me. Typing to people I don't know online is a lot easier than saying this stuff out loud, and I'm truly grateful for all your thoughts. I definitely don't want to come out to everyone at school, but sometimes Sean's offer to talk about stuff gets really tempting.

Any more thoughts? I'm still really undecided about what to do. I'd really appreciate any thoughts/opinions/speculation. I don't want to mess this up.

Thanks so much,

Pól

[Guest CharliTo]

I can totally relate to you a lot.... I haven't been the type that had the courage to live full time as a girl even during the inbetween times. I did hear there are people like that from my therapist so I felt better...

It's okay to feel selective on who you want to tell...in the end, you need to feel secure at what you're doing that's why.

I am still in boy mode usually and although I've told a lot of people and I have plans to be very open about it, I've been really really careful.

I have a very open gay friend that identify as queer and I notice I don't connect as well with them X-D ...so I can tell what you mean by being trans, but not identify as queer.

*hug*

Welcome to the forums btw

[Guest Pól_Eire]

Maybe, as a test, give your friend a hypothetical story about an FTM and see what his reaction is before you disclose yourself to him.

Bernie,

I've been thinking about this -- I'm not that devious. There's no way I can pull that off, he'd see right though me because he knows me too well. It's a good idea though, I'm just not skilled enough to do it.

Any other ideas? Please?

-Pól

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Bernie,

I've been thinking about this -- I'm not that devious. There's no way I can pull that off, he'd see right though me because he knows me too well. It's a good idea though, I'm just not skilled enough to do it.

Any other ideas? Please?

-Pól

I am in all kinds of conflict about how to disclose, when to disclose, and if to disclose. For me, having any kind of secret between me and people I am close with is a strain. I don't like having to pretend and not be myself...my true and real self. I spent far too many years trying to be someone else.

Sorry...I don't have any good answers or advice. Do you really feel that you need to disclose with this person?