Mirror Image Of Myself

[Guest Pioneer]

Some years ago I wore a dress thinking I'm pretty. Well, the reality check came fast when I was facing the mirror to see how I looked.

So okay, I don't look like a girl so I shouldn't bother. I'm a dude with big jaw, broad shoulders, whatever. I'll never put on women's dress again. But I kinda liked wearing eyeliner and lipsticks so maybe I'll try that later I said to myself.

Fast forward to present, I wore eyeliner and went to public a couple days ago. I put it on so lightly that no one noticed that I was wearing eyeliner but I felt pretty, even though I shaved my head last October and I feel naked without my long hair. Right now my hair is short and messy and can't really comb well.

But anyway what was waiting for me when I came home? The reality check.

I like being a male, and yet sometimes I'm not comfortable with my body. I wish my body was more flexible..if that makes any sense..well more like a girl I mean. Don't get me wrong, I exercise, but that just makes my arms big and gives me broad shoulders and they don't go away even if I stop working out for a long time. I don't like those cardiac workouts and whatnot. It's boring. I like weightlifting. Yea, I know that sounds contradicting. But then again I'm not comfortable with pretending to be a girl either since I don't look like one.

Is plastic surgery like reshaping the jaw or taking female hormones are the only way? I want to try out if there was a magic wand, to see what I like the most, being male or female, so I can clear my head with as such a headache as this one, instead of wondering whenever I see myself in the mirror what to do to convince myself that I'm better suited as a _____________. How can I know? I only know one side of the coin.

[Guest April63]

Gender therapist? Or at least some kind of counselor. I think we're both in a similar situation, and that's where I'm trying to go. See a therapist of some sort. Preferably gender, but for me, that's probably not going to happy soon. Maybe in a year...

April

[Guest Pioneer]

I don't know. It'll be too awkward for me to seek a therapist at this point in my life, let alone revealing my feelings on online.

I'll keep that in option though since I didn't even know there was a such a professional as a gender therapist. *embarassed*

Thank you for your reply, April.

PS Hey, let me know how it goes when you see the therapist next year or so. Let's both benefit. Lol.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Pioneer

You are one of those rare people who come here and ask questions that really need answers, but are hard for us to define. I see your self-doubt and I see your strength in really already knowing who you are, if not what you might be. Does that make sense?

In any case, you hseem to be having a touch of what we call gender dysphoria - you aren't certain about feelings you may have. It isn't that you want to be something else, it is just that you feel you are ALREADY a bit different from what you think you should be. The key in that statement is "what you think you should be."

So heres a starting point: accept that WHATEVER you really are - as just fine and perfectly okay. It really is. Nobody is in boxes anymore - you can really feel whatever you feel and be okay.

Next, work on seeing if you can figure out what you really feel, I mean what is in your heart, not what you THINK you should be, or what society TELLS you you should be.

Then - don't worry about labels. Just think hard about what makes you comfortable being you. You can research all you want, but the internet is full of contridiction. Be careful not to find something that is 'close' to how you feel and then try to mold yourself to fit. You might get it wrong.

Okay - thats how you start. To get past that, you need to talk to a professional therapist that specializes in gender dysphoria - not a regular therapist, they will waste your time. Now that may be way later. Eventually though remember you will need to do that - see a gender dysphoria trainded therapist.

IF and only IF you get to the point this therapist feels you have gender issues, he or she will give you some options. You CANNOT worry about hormones or surgery or anything like that until you know those things are options for you. NEVER get on street hormones - they are EXTREMELY dangerous! You have to be monitored on hormones so you don't kill your liver or ruin your circulatory system.

Okay - just some opinions on what you wrote - just ideas here. Wearing a dress, wanting to look pretty and feminine. All guys fanticize what it would be like if they were a girl, or had been born that way. If it doesn't seem to work, looking in the mirror says 'no way?' That is usual. Its rare that a guy looks like a girl by simply putting on a dress and using makeup. .

Okay - you don't feel comfortable pretending to be a girl if you don't look like one? But if you did look like one? And if it was not pretending?

You feel comfortable being a guy. But sometimes it feels good to be a girl - if this is an overpowering feeling of being neither one - and that makes you sad, or if you feel like you are really both? Then that my be the gender dysphoria we are talking about.

If you are truly gender dysphoric it soon becomes obvious, because it just gets worse and won't go away. If you get depressed over this, then you need to see that therapist.

However, there is a possibility you just like characteristics of both genders. Young people are not so hard set in their gender roles anymore. You can be a male who takes very good care of yourself, hetherosexual and proud to be 'metrosex.' You can also present as androgyne - characteristics of dress and appearance of both genders. So just relax and see what you are.

Whatever you are, you are... that's it!

Lizzy

[Sally]

Hey Pioneer,

I understand the looking in the mirror and not seeing a girl - I have always felt that way.

But, my therapist asked me in my first session (dressed as a male still with a mustashe) how I had managed to pass as male for so long.

I didn't sse it.

I finally was urged by some of my close friends here to post a photo in my profile - I don't see it but everyone else says - that's a woman.

You might just try to find someone you trust - a lot - to look at you as a girl and see what they think.

That is a tal lorder finding someone that you can trust that much but it is almost impossible for us to see how we look to others, especially the ones who don't know that we weren't born with female appearences.

Some very attractive women have wide shoulders - look at the Olympic swimmers - they have broad shoulders and narrow hips.

All women do not have tiny jaws and narrow chins, look around - go to a mall and sit in the food court watch the girls your age as they come in and out .

Are they all thin? - No!

Are they all pretty? - No!

Are they all different - Yes!

Different isn't bad, if you think that you should be a girl and decide that you must be a girl, then your attitude will help you to pass - confidence can take you places that you never dreamed possible.

Think about it for a miute, even among actresses - the ones that we think of as beautiful it is more personality and convidence than physical beauty - most have mismatched features but appear beautiful when you see them in motion and smiling - try that a little smile is a feminine look.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest mia 1]

Gender therapist? Or at least some kind of counselor. I think we're both in a similar situation, and that's where I'm trying to go. See a therapist of some sort. Preferably gender, but for me, that's probably not going to happy soon. Maybe in a year...

April

Why wait a year I thought you were going as soon as possible ans soon as it cleared through M&D's insurance why postpone for ayear...it won't affect your college admissions.......Get on it GIRL Mia.

[Guest Pioneer]

Lizzy,

I read your replies this afternoon and I thought about it all day today. I wrote a long reply on a wordpad but I deleted it wondering if I was revealing too much - I'll save those for the therapist I guess lol.

All I can say is that I'm scared of change, scared of rejection, and scared of not knowing what I want to be. What if I really looked like a girl that can be passable in public? I would definitely act upon it in a heartbeat. But then I was thinking do I want to stay that way permanently? I can't even get a tattoo because it is something permanent. Do I really want this kind of a big step? What if I change my mind? It could even be for a rush and excitement and nothing more. Do I feel like both male and female at the same time? The answer is shaky yes but I hadn't had these kind of feelings when I was a child so it's confusing to me.

But I really liked your one of latter statements. You are right. Nothing has to be black and white. Maybe I just think too much of what is acceptable in society that I ignore my true feelings. I definitely need to work on it and see that therapist someday.

Sally,

I do remember showing my make up pic to my close friends once. They thought I was just not serious, goofing around, and they were silent. Lol. I think they saw me as a disturbing clown or something. I really expected something positive honestly but they didn't say anything negative either. Maybe there's still a chance? Lol.

I am easily influenced, intimidated by, and immitate others often. I think I lost myself trying to fit in to what is normal like that. I think that's why I have shallow views on how men and women should look like, especially when I look at myself comparing them to me.

One of my family members asked me once if I wanted to be a girl. I flat out said no. Maybe I spoke the truth or I was just covering up my feelings. I'm really not sure. I like the confidence that I see in this community, expressing true feelings through making life changing decisions for all to see in real life, and hopefully I can learn from it and apply it to my life as well.

Thank you both Lizzy and Sally for sharing your experience, concerns, and advice. I really appreciate it. I feel so much better just talking about this. =)

[Guest April63]

I can go to a regular therapist now, but not a gender therapist unless I tell my parents about all of this, Mia. Next year I'll be 18, so I could just go see a gender therapist on my own.

April

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Lizzy,

I read your replies this afternoon and I thought about it all day today. I wrote a long reply on a wordpad but I deleted it wondering if I was revealing too much - I'll save those for the therapist I guess lol.

You have over 5 postings. You can go to New Messages, type in Elizabeth K, and private message to me what you wrote, and it will not be public. I might be able to keeo helping you. And on another thing you said, I wanted to reply (1) a therapist will evaluate you before you can make any effort toward transitioning - so don't think you will make a mistake (2) jf any sort of transitioning is appropriate, there are all sorts of options, so you may never do anything permanent (3) if you are gender dysphoric it will not go away. Be careful, I fought it for 50 plus years and was very unhappy all my life. It seems to me I should have found out so much earlier and missed all hat misery.

Good luck on your journey.

Lizz

[Sally]

Pioneer,

Like Lizzy told you, you can now use the PM system. If you haven't looked up how to do it, just move your cursor over the underlined nam of the person who you would like to talk to over at the left hand side above the avatar, a box will open up, click on the arrow and a drop down menu will appear - select send a message and you are there.

Lizzy and I will both be glad to help and so will many others, select people that you feel you can trust with your private information (moderators are good choices, we have to be trusted by the owner and her staff - but you will learn that so many of us here feel the same way about our privacy) and ask more specific questions and nothing that you say will go beyond that person.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Pioneer]

You two are so sweet and caring. As of right now, I'm only comfortable with what I've posted so far. I'm sure I'll be able to more open up in the near future and I'll be sure to pm and ask for more help and guidance when that happens.

Thanks again Lizzy and Sally.