Around the Lover

[Guest (S)hE-W0lf]

I was lucky enough to get a girlfriend that accepted my CD side rather easily and even started helping and contributing of her own will. While I am especially grateful that shes so supportive and understanding, I have found something rather distressing about her. When I am with her, even though shes fine with it (at least so she says), I dont feel the urge to dress, nor can I feel fem when dressed if shes around.

I cannot really explain this and I think I should be happy that in a way she controls my urges, but I dont like it, I want expressive-me time. I think the way she looks, talks and refers to me while I am dressed around her causes me to feel invalidated, it kills the illusion and fun and also makes me feel bad for putting her in that situation, I feel like I am making her a victim. I just dont know what she is a victim of. Then theres this underlying something that makes me want to be the man in her life and that includes how I walk, talk and dress. I also wonder if it doesnt have to do with how dressing is an event for me but a non-event for her. For a GG to put on a dress and doll up just to feel pretty or validated isnt considered weird, but for a male to put on just a skirt, for me to do so, we have to refer to it as dressing-time and turn it into a spectacle. It feels like I have to do special things when dressed that I wouldnt normally do like enjoy a ballet show or go drink tea, but I am still me and thus still want to just do what I normally do, just dressing and acting like I want.

I dont know if anyone else has something similar, feeling less joy or freedom from dressing around certain people than others, but if anyone does, is there a way around it? What causes it? Could it be something like pronouns or your name? Is it because she still treats me like the same man when dressed as usual?

Hugs

Katelyn

[Guest Kayla Grace]

Katelyn,

I know exactly what you mean. I get this butterfly feeling everytime I want to leave my room dressed and present this to my mother and sister. It gives a bad taste in my mouth; a victim like you yourself said. My mother caught me coming home from the Citizen's Police Academy last week, and her response was less then desireable. "What the hell are you doing?? Are you wearing a wig??" It makes me feel horrible to think that I'm making them a victim when this is who I am on the inside, and who I was born to be. It's likely because I'm still living in her house, that I haven't gone full, actually.

I'd certainly feel uncomfortable as well if I wasn't referred to as Kayla and female pronouns when dressed. My mother still doesn't use the female pronouns (she's known for months), or ask what my new name is - she has only heard Natalya, and she doesn't like it because it's "too close to" Natalie, my sister's name. Mind you, she "doesn't like it, and hopes it's a phase", so I think that's certainly a contributing factor as well.

While I don't have any advice, I'm definitely in the same boat as you, hun :s

God Bless

Kayla <3

[Guest Ellyssa]

Maybe one way of looking at this is that you are being more sensitive already. You have a lot of empathy for your wife's feelings and where the dressing puts her. The only question is if your sensitivity is more pronounced in this situation than it would be otherwise. She may like this side of you. Maybe you can discuss this with her. You could begin the conversation by demonstrating your compassion for her situation, if she takes your heightened sensitivity as a positive development, you can build on that. If she still is uncertain about your dressing, you can air it out and maybe set some boundaries that she can live with and that allows you enough time to enjoy your femininity.

[Guest Kaylee]

Hi Katelyn,

I have know others who have basically said the same thing, but I did want to propose this question.

Are you sure it has to do with her... And not with you?

You stated she says she's ok with it, and has even " helped and contributed of her own will".

You said that "you don't feel the urge to dress around her, and that the pronouns she uses don't fit". This is hard place, because as trans folks we often tell our loved ones that we "are still the same person", yet ask them to see us differently.

Perhaps she really is ok with this side of you, and she is simply having trouble getting used to using the proper pronouns. If you've said you're the same person, and if you feel/act less femme around her, then she will likely act towards you as on any other day.

Yeah, sounds like a vicious circle.

I agree with Ellyssa. Speak to her about what is bothering you. She already knows, so that was the biggest step. Mention the pronouns, and your concerns, and I truely believe she will feel better about it... And so will you.

Hugs,

Kay