Pre-surgery jitters

[Guest Heidi]

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I've been here.

I've been on hormones now for about 3 years, full time for about 2 (I'm pretty shy so it took a long time to get the confidence together). Now I'm getting SRS on the 8th of December and suddenly I'm afraid.

I've always wanted to get SRS ever since I found out it was a thing but now that I'm getting it I seem to swing wildly back and forth between wishing it was sooner and petrified of it. I'm scared of the pain, scared of complications and scared of dilation. I tend to overthink things, I constantly second guess myself and ask "what if?" And I seem to be doing that here, "what if I'm wrong?" Up to this point I could always go back, I've never once wanted to but the option was there. Now that it won't be anymore I'm starting to worry.

Does/has anyone else felt this way? How do you know if you're really ready for it?

[VickySGV]

Heidi -- I had some of those feelings even while putting on my surgical "space suit" two years ago last January in the surgery prep room!! As far as the post op worries, some of them came true, but each day in the hospital and the days at home seemed to be better as far as the healing really went. The things I feared came and were learned about and practiced and then no longer were they something to fear.

The one thing though I did not think about as I got myself prepared for surgery was how absolutely ORDINARY each day after the healing was over would be -- granted the major healing took 18 months -- and that was something I should have explored with my care team ahead of time. Your pre-surgery time is filled with stress and you will as I did question it at every point and maybe two or a dozen times at those points. When it is over, it will not have solved BIG problems in your life, and you will still have school, work,. car payments. rent payments. but you will also have shopping to do, trips to take, hobbies to do, and just plain life. Life is not what I fully envisioned going into my surgery tunnel, it is slower than that but I do wake up ready for each day. and can be thankful for that day as a gift.

[Guest Heidi]

Thank you for your reply's it's reassuring to know others feel this way too.

I definitely can't see myself ever going back and I'm certain that I will get surgery someday, there's never been any question about that. It's just now that "someday" has become "the 8th of December" I'm getting nervous. Honestly I don't even know exactly what it is im nervous about, only that I am.

[Charlize]

I will not be able to have SRS due to heart disease. I've come to grips with that but have been trying to get an orchiectomy for over a year now. First i had a heart attack and then a cardiologist who changed his mind so it has been scheduled twice and cancelled twice. Each time as the date approached i was afraid and worried about the pain as well as whether i was really doing the right thing. I know it is a relatively minor procedure but it still causes worries; perhaps the largest being that I am choosing this procedure. Am i right? I'm still working to reschedule and finally have an appointment lined up with a GLBT friendly cardiologist who will hopefully clear me for surgery. I'm sure i will face those thought again. I have to think that it is normal to try and think our way through what we cannot know.

My nerves are lessing i must admit each time i push forward again. i've been on this roller coaster enough and would like to finish the ride.

Your decision will be the right one for you. Take a deep breath talk to your therapist and know that you are not unique in those feelings and fears.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Heidi,

I can honestly say that you are not alone. I have been in RLE for almost 23 months and on HRT for almost 21 months. I am due for surgery on the 25 June (6 months ahead of you). I'm also scared and I keep asking myself the 'what if's'. The way that I'm coping, is that I ask myself 'could I go back'? Erm, absolutely not - I would rather die than do that. So, there are 2 options open to me:-

1). Go ahead with the surgery and accept the results.

2). Not have surgery and go on living as I am now.

Let's deal with #1 first. Yes, there will be pain afterwards (I'll get pain relief). There will be the recovery period but each day will get better as I heal and it will be exciting (I guess) as I learn all about my new anatomy. If something goes wrong, well, there are ciswomen who have things wrong down there and they have to deal with it as best they can. Obviously, I hope that things go well for me and I'm prepared to take the risk but if they don't - well, I will have to deal with it when I get there.

#2. Although an option, it's not ideal for me. I want to be able to pull on underwear/swimwear and not have to deal with 'it' needing to be tucked. When I go to toilet, I want to do what other women do and not have to deal with 'it'. When I get changed in changing rooms (I'm talking about getting ready to go for a swim), I want to be able to do that without having to go into a 'cubicle' so that nobody else sees that I still have a penis.

So, whilst the fear is there - I look to the 'other side' and know that it's something I HAVE to endure to get there. Yes, the fear is there and it is very real. I know that what I'm doing is the right thing for me and to be honest, I just wish I could get on with it and get it over now. Then I can get on with my recovery and be scared no more.

Hugs

Kerry x.

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi Heidi,

My best friend Jennifer (aka micromachinist) is scheduled for surgery August 7th, and she might get it advanced to mid-July. She has jitters, no question about that. The risks, the pain, all kinds of concerns go through her head. She has a trans support group that she goes to, and that is why she doesn't post much here in the playground. I am learning from her, and watching her progress closely. I know that if I stay healthy, that it will eventually be my turn for SRS, and so I am learning from those like yourself, who are blazing the trail ahead of me. Thanks for the topic.

hugs,

Stephanie

[KathrynJulia]

Hello Heidi

I went through all of those doubts as well. Then I experienced a retinal bleed enroute from Japan to Thailand. I arrived in Thailand, blind in my left eye till I had surgery a couple weeks later that fixed my eye. I relied on humor and writing about my experiences and made it through and was thrilled afterwards when it was over. Yes there is some pain, but it is managed by meds. Yes dilation is a chore, but you get used to it.

What's important is the way you feel about yourself afterwards. My body is no longer a freak of nature. My body feels right and with each day it feels like I'm healing from a really weird birth defect. I close to my 7th month anniversary of my GRS surgery. With every passing month, life is getting better. I just finished my first week of my new job and even though its cold outside. its warm in my heart these days. Kathy.

[Guest micromachinist]

We all have doubts micromachinst is a private person have ovwer 200 trans friends many are having SRS it is terrifying to some and other can't wait I am going for the vagina and others may not. it depends on what you plan on doing with your sex life I want to have one some do not. I can't wait to try it out which is A GOOD REASON TO GO AHEAD

[Guest alexaz]

We all go thru fear and not knowing for sure every day. Not just for SRS but coming out, presenting, wearing a dress or pants, taking a left or a right

telling someone that you love them or just saying lets be friends and a bazillion other things.

SRS is a big one but really when you think about it, Its not really much more different than deciding to go left or right. Its still a decision that we make that will affect us and the way we do things.

The best way to make decisions is to take our time and get all the info and facts that we can get weigh them and make a list of the pros and the cons and see how they feel to us.

We are human and all we can do is the best we can do given the facts and feelings.

Am I really trans.

Do I really want to go on HRT

Can I... do I want to go into full time presenting as a woman.

Can I go for SRS.

All of me sez YES but the little voice in me sez ummmmmm wait a min.

I do the research. I do the fretting........ the worry.....the "Im sure"....YES NO.....ummmmmm.....

But the woman in me tells me to keep going forward till she sez stop and Im sure she knows better than the man in me who has been wrong so many times in my life that Im sick of listening to him.

Will I.....Im not sure but its looking like I will.

Should I,,,,,yes I think so but time will tell me better.

We are smart. Im sure that we will make the right decision.

To be honest. I dont ever remember reading a story about a person saying " Oh cra... I had SRS and now I know it was wrong for me " That tells me something about our ability to make the right decision .

Sorry if this was rambling or just dribble but I need to say these things to myself and maybe they will help others find their own questions / answers. or give me better direction.

alexaz