I Used to Think I was Simply a Crossdresser

[Guest]

For years, while secretly 'dressing' whenever I ad a couple hours I always thought I was simply a crossdresser. Now, nine months since I've stopped repressing and fighting my feelings, and dressing at all times while at home and underdressing while outside of my home, I've realized something. I've realized I'm not simply a crossdresser.

I actually have feminine feelings and tendencies that I've been hiding as well. This website has helped me to understand that I'm not the freak I thought I was. That there are other's in the same small boat. I now, through the help of this site, realize that I'm a transgendered woman. Inside, I'm only truly happy as a woman.

I don't know where this journey will take me or how far I must go in the 'process', but I know that I'll have this site and all the wonderful people to help me though.

I want to thank the owner(s) and admins/moderators and all the wonderful, caring and understanding members...

*hugs*

-Fiona

[Guest alexaz]

Welcome to the wonderful world of transgenderism Fiona.

I too had many questions ( still do ) But between here at Lauras and some people in my life Im able to answer lots of them.

Had a thought the other day " I have been living all of my life wrongly and its high time I start living the rest of it right and happy "

That thought was one of my biggest steps forward so far.

We will continue to grow and love ourselves more and more as we come to being true to ourselves.

Alexaz

[Guest suden]

I,m with you alexaz and fiona since i excepted my self as a trans woman My life has changed greatly for the better. thanks to others in my life and finding this site and alot of hard work.

thanks eden

[Guest Raya]

Fiona, welcome again!

I concluded that my secreted cross dressing was a way for me to be me, for a little while, until I was able to accept that I was transsexual.

I actually used similar language trying to explain it to my brother- since suicide was not an option, and fighting myself for the rest of my life was gonna be such a drag(no pun intended ), I had 2 options: Freak or Femme

Please understand I am applying the freak label only to myself, as a euphemism for kinky, and do not wish to be insensitive to anyone else.

I explored the freak or femme theme a little with my therapist, and basically see "full femme" as a real, open and honest expression of myself, vs. a secret hiding of myself. Now to grow into the reality of living femme...

Thanks to all who contribute here for helping!

[Guest AshleighP]

I have felt much the same way. I always thought cross dressing was it. Now, the more I read, and the more I think, the more confused I get. Too many terms and labels nowadays. I have yet to figure out where I fit (if I fit at all). Is there a box to check "all of the above"? Cause, that's the category I think I fall into. LOL I wish I had a more supporting spouse, or a close local friend that I could confide in. That might make matters easier. Ah well, we do the best we can with the circumstances we have, right?

[Guest]

Fiona, welcome again!

I concluded that my secreted cross dressing was a way for me to be me, for a little while, until I was able to accept that I was transsexual.

I actually used similar language trying to explain it to my brother- since suicide was not an option, and fighting myself for the rest of my life was gonna be such a drag(no pun intended ), I had 2 options: Freak or Femme

Please understand I am applying the freak label only to myself, as a euphemism for kinky, and do not wish to be insensitive to anyone else.

I explored the freak or femme theme a little with my therapist, and basically see "full femme" as a real, open and honest expression of myself, vs. a secret hiding of myself. Now to grow into the reality of living femme...

Thanks to all who contribute here for helping!

For some reason, the site isn't allowing me to parse the quote into sections. Sorry about this:

Absolutely. Until we accept ourselves and actually do what makes us happy and take the time (a lot of time) to think about what we’re doing and how we feel, and allow those feelings begin to flood out, we don’t truly allow ourselves to understand ourselves.

Hahaha. The pun made me laugh. No worries, sweetie. While I am now embracing, I still feel I fit the textbook definition of the word freak. I guess people place a negative connotation on the word, but it really means ‘different’ and being different is OK. And I’m certainly different, in many ways. J

I don’t know whether I’d ever build the courage to ‘present’ but I also have to think about my wife. She kind of implied that if we were a long way from home and there’s no possibility of us running into anyone we know, she might be open to it. I just don’t know whether that would give me a heart attack. LOL I have been contemplating this trans social club around 30min from me. That might be fun, if it doesn’t kill me. LOL

That’s what we’re all here for, hun. Learn about ourselves through others, and to support each other.

*HUGS**

-Fiona

[Guest]

I have felt much the same way. I always thought cross dressing was it. Now, the more I read, and the more I think, the more confused I get. Too many terms and labels nowadays. I have yet to figure out where I fit (if I fit at all). Is there a box to check "all of the above"? Cause, that's the category I think I fall into. LOL I wish I had a more supporting spouse, or a close local friend that I could confide in. That might make matters easier. Ah well, we do the best we can with the circumstances we have, right?

While there may be no exact box for any of us, I find it comforting to find a box that helps me understand myself. I’m a fairly technically minded person and definition is important for me. Based upon my limited understanding, I’ve learned the difference between crossdresser, transgender and transsexual, at least the basic idea. Since I really don’t get any excitement or actual pleasure from ‘dressing’ and I’m starting to allow myself to think and behave the way I feel (very feminine) rather than what’s expected, I’m seeing that this goes far deeper than a crossdresser or what I thought I was.

I’ve learned that you must allow yourself to ‘feel’ in order to learn ‘what’ you feel.

I’ve never really been philosophical, until all this was allowed out of the box, so to speak.

Hugs, sweetie..

-Fiona

[Guest honeynocturnal]

Totally in tune with the first post from Fiona! While I've dressed by myself on rare occasions over the years, the feelings associated with it were more than mere sexual vanity, it gave me a powerful connection to my own intrinsically female nature.

It would be really great to have others of my kind to interact with IRL, but I live in a small town and have few opportunities to visit elsewhere, for now. So it is very nice to have this website and all the awesome people here to revel in our beautiful selves.

Love & Strength to you all! <3

[Guest Beverly]

AshleighP, I certainly share your thoughts of confusion. I'd be somewhat comfortable too with someone local or nearby I could talk with. Just lounging in some soft, feminine attire would be awesome - a connection with that small, inner part of me that would love to be at peace (at least part-time) as a girl.

[Guest Razilee]

"I used to think I was simply a crossdresser" just a few months ago. I like the relatively new term genderfluid. Since I presented myself in public for the first time as female at 19 I've gone back and forth between hiding the closet, venturing out a little or more and more, back to not at all. I too feel like checking "all of the above", AshleyP. I like your "I’m starting to allow myself to think and behave the way I feel (very feminine) rather than what’s expected," too, Fiona.

Thank God we all have Laura's Playground to gather and support each other,

Love,

Raz

[MarcieMarie12]

Razilee, this is where I think I am at. I came across the term gender fluid reading some web comics (Rain and Wild Flowers). So far I think that label fits me best. One of the characters is female biologically, but dresses male and female depending on mood. The thing is I am male 90% of time, female 10% of the time-basically anytime I am alone. ALOT of it for me has to do with the fact that I'm taking the path of least resistance and trying to ignore the pink cloud. Really I'd like to be feminine more, but reasons.....

And then again I don't want to completely abandon my male side. It is as much a part of me as the female side. Its all very confusing even 30 years later.

[Guest]

I believe I'm mosrly female, but I'm not certain whether I'd want to fully transition. I just don't know yet...

-Fiona

[Guest LizMarie]

Do what you feel you need to do when you feel you need to do it. No more, no less. Doing less can bring about severe dysphoria, depression, even suicidal thoughts. Doing too much may cause you to regret it.

Your journey is your own. While we all share commonalities, each of us walks a unique path and what each of us really needs is specific to ourselves. Be true to yourself, your heart, and your dreams and you'll find your happiness.

[VickySGV]

7 years ago, 8 years of CDing had shown that it was not what I needed for my life to go on. I was the single dad of 3 adult children who were out of my house and care and with other people I was "responsible for" having died I was alone to do what I really needed to do, but was afraid of where I would go from the CDing. My signature line here tells you where I ended up at, and life is happy and peaceful for me now. Today, however I look, whatever I wear and whatever people think I am from meeting and talking to me is their thing. I face the world with a smile, and I like who and what I see in a mirror these days, I am a me!! Whatever "me" is, is.

I wish I could have been a happy "me" that my birth family tried to create, it would have been soooooo simple and there would have been no stress bad enough to make me feel like killing myself. I am not what a well meaning MD thought he delivered as far as an infant gender, but it was not his fault it happened. I am, today, as I have said "me" and that is what counts.

[Guest CD Laura Savatore34]

Wow, same feelings here Fiona. The stages we find ourselves in is so...progression like, almost eyes tend to open more and more with each stage met. I started with the idea that I was Bisexual, to mental I'll, back to Bisexual, a cross dresser and now, as well, to actually being transgender too. Don't get me wrong, there is still soo much confusion, but at least a path is possibly in sight, if that makes any sense?