Spouse of CD, recently told

[Guest blonderocker00]

Hi, I just found about my boyfriend being a CD. We've been together 2 years and friends a bit longer. I don't know a lot about it, and I admit I didn't hackle it well at first. But I love him and I want him to be happy and feel safe, so I was wondering if I could get some advice from other significant others on how to handle it, and help from other CD's for him. He's very new to it himself so he's lost and we don't know anyone who could help. Thank you

[Guest Beverly]

That you are here is indeed a wonderful credit to you. Seeking help out of love for another is one goal many more should seek.

Read dear, read and read some more. There's folks that would treasure a significant other involved in their crossdressing in a positive light.

But read several of the other posts here. I'm new here, but I've been crossdressing for many years. I too continue to seek enlightenment about this life. Welcome!

E

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, hon. I agree with Beverly; its a wonderful thing that you came here to learn and give support to your partner. I know that this can't be easy for you. You didn't bargain for this, and it can be very shocking to learn. However, there is nothing shameful about cross dressing, and I think you'd be surprised how common it is.

There are as many variations among cross dressers as there are cross dressers. Some are satisfied to dress only at home, with or without the participation of their S/O. Some wear something under their male garb when they go out, like panties or stockings. Some do the whole thing; wig, makeup, clothes, jewelry and go out on the weekends as women.

My advice is to let your S/O tell you what they wish to do, whether they want you to help them or participate, and you should tell them what you are or are not comfortable with. If you are both comfortable with what she is doing, then it will be easier for both of you.

We have a moderated Chat session every week for S/O's, and an S/O moderator (Angel Wings) who is fantastic. Chat requires a separate registration. The Chat schedule is on the Chat home page.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest blonderocker00]

Thank you guys for being so nice .

I'm finding that I can handle the clothes right now (I actually think it's kind of sexy for him to wear my undies- he doesn't have any clothes so I let him use some of my own) but I find the scary part to be the makeup. He's such a manly, mountain-man guy? And to see him in makeup makes me very nervous. And thongs. Not just because he's a guy, I hate thongs no matter who they're on, But he really wants one. What should I do?

[Guest LizMarie]

Your boyfriend is exploring an aspect of himself that he was probably afraid to explore before. Where this aspect actually goes remains to be seen. It is highly likely that your boyfriend is just a cross dresser, in other words, comfortable as a male most of the time but finding enjoyment from cross dressing.

However, there is a small chance that this is the first outward sign of your boyfriend expressing an inner self that is truly female. A small portion of cross dressers begin by cross dressing but ultimately move on to full gender transition once they realize who they truly are inside. Asking your boyfriend now if this is the case is very likely to get an answer that feels comfortable now, but which may change. There's a lot of denial in the lives of transgender people, and trying to believe that we're "just" cross dressers is one of those denials.

As for what to do about the thong? Offer to help him go pick one out and see how he reacts. Also, try to express, calmly and lovingly, why you don't like thongs, what they may imply or mean to you, etc. Helping him understand that may change his mind. Encouraging him to go purchase his own clothes will also make him face what buying a thong means.

Odds are you have just opened a safe small world for your boyfriend to express part of himself and share with you. But always be aware that cross dressing may also be a symptom of deeper issues regarding self identity.

[Guest blonderocker00]

Yes that is my fear, that it will grow and effect our relationship. I love him and can deal with cross dressing but i don't know if I could take the step if it was more. Not that I'm against that lifestyle, it's just a lot of change.

And he is borrowing my clothes for now because he is short on cash but I will try with the thong to see if we can come to an agreement

[Guest]

Hi Blonderocker, shaving certain parts of my body, the wig and makeup all took longer than simply dressing, for my wife. Since you're in a partnership, you both have to decide on rules guidelines for when you're both ready.

*hugs*

-Fiona

[Guest blonderocker00]

How often do CD turn to transition? He says he doesn't think he will but I've heard so many people say they didn't think that and years later they did. Are there cd's out there who just stay cd's?

[Guest LizMarie]

I'm not aware of any statistics on that.

But I am aware that many of us who have transitioned previously did cross dress to some degree. That's all that I can say. Just that it is sometimes a symptom of deeper gender identity issues, but not always, and probably not even the majority of times.

[Guest Beverly]

I have remained a CD for many years. I love the feel of silky clothing; I love the hiding during under-dressing; a little naughty, a lot of feminine feelings... My SO and I have been talking about this for some time, and I blurted out the other day during a conversation that I had absolutely no intentions of surgically removing any body parts. And, given my position and employment, its all got to be secret. Bummer. But, I am getting to understand a bit more through these forums and studying - so that for right now, I'm content with being simply a crossdresser.

Hope this helps!

[MarcieMarie12]

For me I like the light fabrics, the feel of the skirt as I twirl, crossing my legs and feeling the pantyhose rub against itself. I glance in the mirror and think I look pretty.

I am not considering surgery, I don't feel like I should have been a woman (occasionally day dream about it--but I digress), but I don't identify myself as male either. I'm just me. Is that androgyny?

[MarcieMarie12]

For me I like the light fabrics, the feel of the skirt as I twirl, crossing my legs and feeling the pantyhose rub against itself. I glance in the mirror and think I look pretty.

I am not considering surgery, I don't feel like I should have been a woman (occasionally day dream about it--but I digress), but I don't identify myself as male either. I'm just me. Is that androgyny?

Hmm thought about this for a bit--while I would love to be female, I think I'd miss some parts of being male. Hence being a CD for me is the best solution for me at the moment......I do identify with gender, just not that strongly and with either gender. As I posted elsewhere, I've been confused for 30+ years. This is the only place I've ever discussed it.

[Guest Georgia Grace]

Hi Blonderocker,

My husband just came out to me recently that he's been cross-dressing for several years. His female persona is very active in a CD community that meets once or twice a month to socialize--dinner and dancing. He's currently in Las Vegas at a CD/Trans meetup called Wild Side. We live near Boston, the meetings are not in our home town. They meet in a CD/Trans friendly hotel restaurant and then go out to dance. I went with him twice last month as I was curious to meet some of the gals that he become friendly with and I must say that they are a quality group, most are well educated, have families and are successful in their professions, which range from teachers to lawyers, police, computer scientists, bio-engineers, etc.

I was totally shocked by this and didn't see it coming. When we met my husband was balding, heavily bearded and with a lot of body hair--the beard is gone as is most of the body hair. He is very passable as a woman and goes out often. He has actually flown as a woman. He said the TSA agents were a bit leery but didn't make a big deal. (a CD friend of his, who is not as passable--did have a difficult time recently). He was stopped by the police once while driving--tail light was out--and the cop initially called him Mam until he looked at his license, but he also didn't make a big issue of it. Something to think about if your bf goes out driving while cross-dressed. Make sure everything is in working order and up to date with your car and don't run any red lights! LOL ;-)

My SO has amassed quite the wardrobe, shops at the mall dressed, has several consignment shops that he frequents and also is on the email alert list of quite a few on-line shopping sites like MYHABIT, 6PM, Hautelook, Zappos, etc. They have free shipping and great sales! A bonus for me is that although my husband is taller than me, we can wear the same size in tops, jackets, dresses and skirts, so my wardrobe has doubled! He has great pocketbooks too. I loaned him a few things for the Las Vegas trip, but I think I'd prefer that he not go into my closet too much. I think you could help your bf with style, but my personal opinion is that if someone wants to cross-dress they should be willing to take on the responsibility of acquiring the accouterments themselves. If you want to dress like a girl, then learn to shop like a girl. Cooking would be good to, but I'll settle for dish-washing!

Anyway, my husband never expressed any interest in feminine things during most of our marriage, in fact quite the opposite. He's into boats, fast cars and motorcycles--of which he has several--road, off-road and track bikes, mountain biking and back-country skiing. He's a hard worker,provides well for his family, has done construction and a does most of the maintenance work around our house and property. I am a lucky woman.

[Guest blonderocker00]

Hi Blonderocker,

My husband just came out to me recently that he's been cross-dressing for several years. His female persona is very active in a CD community that meets once or twice a month to socialize--dinner and dancing. He's currently in Las Vegas at a CD/Trans meetup called Wild Side. We live near Boston, the meetings are not in our home town. They meet in a CD/Trans friendly hotel restaurant and then go out to dance. I went with him twice last month as I was curious to meet some of the gals that he become friendly with and I must say that they are a quality group, most are well educated, have families and are successful in their professions, which range from teachers to lawyers, police, computer scientists, bio-engineers, etc.

I was totally shocked by this and didn't see it coming. When we met my husband was balding, heavily bearded and with a lot of body hair--the beard is gone as is most of the body hair. He is very passable as a woman and goes out often. He has actually flown as a woman. He said the TSA agents were a bit leery but didn't make a big deal. (a CD friend of his, who is not as passable--did have a difficult time recently). He was stopped by the police once while driving--tail light was out--and the cop initially called him Mam until he looked at his license, but he also didn't make a big issue of it. Something to think about if your bf goes out driving while cross-dressed. Make sure everything is in working order and up to date with your car and don't run any red lights! LOL ;-)

My SO has amassed quite the wardrobe, shops at the mall dressed, has several consignment shops that he frequents and also is on the email alert list of quite a few on-line shopping sites like MYHABIT, 6PM, Hautelook, Zappos, etc. They have free shipping and great sales! A bonus for me is that although my husband is taller than me, we can wear the same size in tops, jackets, dresses and skirts, so my wardrobe has doubled! He has great pocketbooks too. I loaned him a few things for the Las Vegas trip, but I think I'd prefer that he not go into my closet too much. I think you could help your bf with style, but my personal opinion is that if someone wants to cross-dress they should be willing to take on the responsibility of acquiring the accouterments themselves. If you want to dress like a girl, then learn to shop like a girl. Cooking would be good to, but I'll settle for dish-washing!

Anyway, my husband never expressed any interest in feminine things during most of our marriage, in fact quite the opposite. He's into boats, fast cars and motorcycles--of which he has several--road, off-road and track bikes, mountain biking and back-country skiing. He's a hard worker,provides well for his family, has done construction and a does most of the maintenance work around our house and property. I am a lucky woman.

we are still new to this, and my s/o jumped in all at once snd it overehelmed me at first, but he has been reassuring me and backing off a bit. Hes also a manly man when hes himself, but he becomes fully girly when hes dressed. Its confortin to know other peoples s/os can CD without needing to change. Maybe I just need more time to adjust.

thank you

[Guest Georgia Grace]

My pleasure blonderocker, wishing you and your bf all the best. Use this as a learning/growth experience for yourself and your bf. Society is changing and we're at the head of the class! Teach him what's it's like to be a good woman and I'm sure you'll learn alot about yourself at the same time, you may become a better woman for it and perhaps your bf will become a better man to you.

[Guest]

I told my father "I wish I was a girl" when I was 6-7 years old. From then on I hid my stuff and crossdressed when I could. Before I got married, my wife found part of my stash and it didn't bother her, but it bothered me and so the binge/purge began. Been dressing daily with my wife for a around a year and while I'm so much happier, my feelings are also changing. I'm becoming more feminine and underdress daily. Started gender counseling in January and I'm finding that at this point, I'm not a crossdresser, I'm something far more.

I have a wardrobe that would rival most women, a large makeup bag and a couple wigs. Shoes, I need more shoes (LOL).

I keep asking myself if I truly want or need to transition. My answer is, I don't know. I'm pretty happy and there are parts of being male that I enjoy, but is that enough to not transition?

I think one of the things that prohibits me from REALLY thinking about transition is my friends/family, job and wife. I'd probably lose all. Am I willing to become n older very lonely woman?

I just don't know, and I wish it wasn't so difficult to be me. I still feel stupid and like a freak, but to a less extent than years ago.

Time will tell........................

*hugs*

-Fiona

[Guest blonderocker00]

I told my father "I wish I was a girl" when I was 6-7 years old. From then on I hid my stuff and crossdressed when I could. Before I got married, my wife found part of my stash and it didn't bother her, but it bothered me and so the binge/purge began. Been dressing daily with my wife for a around a year and while I'm so much happier, my feelings are also changing. I'm becoming more feminine and underdress daily. Started gender counseling in January and I'm finding that at this point, I'm not a crossdresser, I'm something far more.

I have a wardrobe that would rival most women, a large makeup bag and a couple wigs. Shoes, I need more shoes (LOL).

I keep asking myself if I truly want or need to transition. My answer is, I don't know. I'm pretty happy and there are parts of being male that I enjoy, but is that enough to not transition?

I think one of the things that prohibits me from REALLY thinking about transition is my friends/family, job and wife. I'd probably lose all. Am I willing to become n older very lonely woman?

I just don't know, and I wish it wasn't so difficult to be me. I still feel stupid and like a freak, but to a less extent than years ago.

Time will tell........................

*hugs*

-Fiona

Im sorry you are facing that choice. I understand where you are coming from because my fears are the same; what If he chooses later to transition? Could I stay or would it be too much?

I do know, however, that even if I couldn't stay his gf, I would always be there to be a supportive friend,

Its a scary thung to have doubts and questions, but I would never want him to deny that part of himself for me, and im sure your wife feels the same. So I would definitely talk to her aboutt these feelings and see where she stands. She might or might not be okay with that next step, but love doesnt go away so I know she'll want your happiness too. And thank you for sharing that with me

[Guest Amanda M]

I have sent you a PM. Staistically, most CD folks do NOT go on to transition, so you can relax a bit.

Fiona, you raise one of the most important issues around transitioning. As you so wisely said, it can mean losing so much of your life, your loved ones and even your whole support system. All I am saying is it is not all about telling yourself "Hey, post surgery I'll have a vagina! " Great. And as you get older, what are you going to do with it?

Keep working with your therapist, and see how the options balance out.