I Wonder What It Feels Like To Be A ...

[Guest Sophie Jean]

I wonder if the internal expression of our desires of the opposite gender provides a clue to our true identity, to the severity of convictions. Do the following expressions, for instance, reveal whether one is transsexual, transgenderist, or bigendered? All of these are couched in terms of MTF. But the opposite perspective is equally valid.

1. "I am a woman."

2. "I feel like a woman."

3. "I wonder what it feels like to really be a woman."

4. "I wonder what it's like to be or look feminine."

5. "I am not a man."

6. "I am a kind of lesser man."

7. "I am something different, but better."

I think there is a direct correlation between these thoughts and where you fall. Unfortunately, for me I have always felt number three. And when I do anything remotely to satisfy that feeling, I start feeling 1. I start feeling that "It just feels normal, or right." I start feeling that this is the true reality. But that lends to confusion as to how someone can both be a woman and want to be a woman.

Just a few thoughts,

- Sophie Jean

[Guest Zenda]

No woman could really express what it's like to be a woman-it would be only from their personal perspective. For example, I only know what it feels like being 'me'...If you ask a million women what it's like being a woman...you would probably get a million different answers. some women would mention child birth, pregnancy, periods, etc. Some T woman still go on about what it feels like being a woman...they are forever trying to convince others [and no doubt themselves] that they feels like 'real' women.

Like women some gay men are really sensitive, caring, loving, like shopping for shoes and clothes,cooking etc, and to top it all off can be real gossips in a bitchy kind of way. They may express a female manner but don't see themselves or feel like women. There's lots of little things that make women women-women have better peripheral vision than men, most women don't know they just take this for granted...this it's just part of a woman's make-up.

Sophie J you are what you are and deep down inside only you know for sure! What you are and what you would like to be....you have already answered with your philosophical question...A woman just is!

Metta Jendar

[Guest Day / Ducky]

3. "I wonder what it feels like to really be a woman."

4. "I wonder what it's like to be or look feminine."

5. "I am not a man."

6. "I am a kind of lesser man."

7. "I am something different, but better."

am / have had these feelings at some of my life off and on.

[Zufrieden]

Hi Sophie Jean:

"True identity"? I don't know. It sounds too serious for me, like a super-hero or something.

I view it as: I got dealt these cards, what do I do?

Some would say you don't know what a woman is until you've been a woman in the 1930's Dust Bowl,

buried your husband and six of your twelve children and worked a farm by yourself.

Your choice of seven views is pretty good, but it's like a poll, it crams everybody into boxes.

I'd say I'm #5 (I'm not a man) with a desire for a female body thrown in.

As Jendar said, you really can't be a "man" or a "woman", only your perception of these.

So make mine:

How much do you feel like one of the guys?

How much do you enjoy the social prerogatives of being a male?

How much are you repulsed by masculinity per se?

How much are you repulsed by having a male body?

How much are you attracted to having a female body?

How much are you attracted to feminiity per se?

How much are you attracted to the frivolities of being a woman?

How much are you attracted to the social prerogatives of being a woman?

How much do you have a sexual longing to be female?

How much do you feel like one of the girls?

And since all the female questions are based on something you may not yet be:

How much of this is fantasy and how much cold reality?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with fantasy, but it's good to recognize it as such.

It doesn't disqualify you.

Or you can boil it all down to a practical level: What do you want to do?

Z.

[Zufrieden]

And just to cover the opposite of the Dust Bowl scenario.

Some would say you don't know what a woman is until you've stood on the red carpet

wearing a clinging designer gown that is only hanging on by the most refined engineering

principles while the cameras flash all around you.

I think you're working too hard to convince yourself, Sophie Jean.

It shouldn't be that hard to figure out what you theoretically want.

Resolving it with reality is usually the hard part.

Z,

[Guest Lethalia]

Hey there, Sophie Jean… Zufrieden. OwUB? IBOK.

Okay Sophie, I choose number one: I am a woman. Easy as cake… a piece of pie. I just wish I was prettier… or pretty at all. Grrrr… Medusa! Medic!

Zufrieden! Look out… I'm talking! Scary. Okay, I always love your questions.

How much do you feel like one of the guys?

If by one of the guys you mean hanging out with a bunch of men I'd secretly like to jump, talking about (who cares what they're talking about?), whatever men talk about… sure. The answer is yes. But why do they have to be so… cisgender. Creepy.

How much do you enjoy the social prerogatives of being a male?

What?!? Okay, hold on. What?!? Oh! I think I get it now. What?!? Wait, I misread the question. What?!? Hahaha! I don't get it.

How much are you repulsed by masculinity per se?

Masculinity? I love it. And femininity too. And androgyny… yes. You know what… just give me have an assorted dozen of them… and make it to go. But no cisgenders… they have that awful aftertaste of wreckage. Wait, you're not talking about masculinity on me, are you? Cause I'm tough girl… even when I'm all coy and nice boots. Time to go Dear Hunting. You know what… I'm not sure I get this question. I like masculine men/women/other and I like feminine men/women/other and I like androgynous men/women/other… just not in cisgender flavor… they taste suspiciously like napalm. But I am thinking that this is not what you meant. Blonde. Bleach Blonde. 007. License to thrill.

How much are you repulsed by having a male body?

I don't have a male body. I have a deformed female body. And it is entirely repulsive. And if you look at it, God will hate you and put you in the land of the evil Teletubbies. You have been warned, sinner! [Apologies to Evil Teletubbies, but… I shall not recant.]

How much are you attracted to having a female body?

Oh geez. If only. Wow. Very often, I think I would rather die than continue with this body. Sorry if that was too serious.

How much are you attracted to femininity per se?

I love feminine men/women/other… wait… didn't we cover this three questions ago? I think I see a pattern developing here. You know what? I think I might be retarded here. Wow, that's too bad… I'm retarded. Downer.

How much are you attracted to the frivolities of being a woman?

Huh? What? Like what? I've been sewing all my life. Does that count? Oh, wait, I don't like flower arranging. And I don't like doilies… they slide around, get in the way, and they're tacky. I'm not sure I understand what would be some of the frivolities of being a woman.

How much are you attracted to the social prerogatives of being a woman?

Hmmm… this question sounds oddly familiar. You mean like being able to carry four packs of cigarettes in my purse? I chain smoke and carry a large thermos of espresso. You know, I'm not trying to be obtuse here, but I'm not sure what social prerogatives a woman has that a man doesn't. Maybe that's because I've always done as I pleased without regard to social expectations… and when someone has tried to stop me, well… I gonna win.

How much do you have a sexual longing to be female?

I've never been able to have sex like a normal woman. It would be wonderful to have sex with a man/woman/other/anyone as a normal woman. I hope that answered the question. Sexual longing to be a woman? Okay, I'm a smart girl. And I know Zufrieden is smart. So why do I feel like I'm not getting this. You know what, I know I'm not quite getting this one. Yeah, I'm not getting this one. See how smart I am! Score!

How much do you feel like one of the girls?

I'm a woman. But I am always alone. I always get approached. And that's fine for a little while. But I'm always alone. I wish I wasn't. But it is what it is. As a child, my mother always told me, "You are born alone, you live alone, and you'll die alone." Turned out she was right. Could've been a Switchblade Symphony song. Or a Type O Negative song. Yeah, definitely a Type O song.

I don't know. I think Jendar might have hit it right on the head when she said: "No woman could really express what it's like to be a woman - it would be only from their personal perspective. For example, I only know what it feels like being 'me'…" and "…you are what you are and deep down inside, only you know for sure!". I agree. And I only have my perspective. Kind of like that I have only ever known monochrome-blue dreams. Maybe that's why I didn't get some of these questions. Yeah. I'm not dumb… I'm just me. And that is all I've ever been. OXO.

The one and only,

Isabella Lethalia Innocenzi

[Zufrieden]

Hi all:

The advantage of lots of questions is that you can ignore the ones you don't understand or think are pointless.

Sometimes people latch on to a question and realize that for them it's a key to something that they don't understand about themselves.

The questions about being one of the boys or one of the girls I have found personally to be an important question.

I never, ever fit in with a group of men. I felt like an outsider and a spy. They'd talk about sports and it would leave me cold.

When I have been in a group of women, it feels much more comfortable. I still feel like the out-of-town delegate, though.

The talk of relationships and what Joan said to Jane when she broke up with Jim leaves me bored, too.

Still, I'd much rather discuss knitting than hunting.

Somewhat related, here's a really cool book on designing tesselations for quilting:

Designing Tessellations : The Secrets of Interlocking Patterns

Z.

[Guest Chrys]

Like women some gay men are really sensitive, caring, loving, like shopping for shoes and clothes,cooking etc, and to top it all off can be real gossips in a bitchy kind of way. They may express a female manner but don't see themselves or feel like women. There's lots of little things that make women women-women have better peripheral vision than men, most women don't know they just take this for granted...this it's just part of a woman's make-up.

Metta Jendar

Growing up I was always more sensitive and caring. I was tender-hearted and cried easily. I get along with women much better than men. I can relate better to them. I feel like I am in the right crowd when I am with them. I can't explain it. I have great instincts for cooking, fashion and design, things typically attributed to women. I have always liked women's clothes and makeup and envy that they can shop for clothes and makeup w/o people looking at them wierd.

I'm not gay. I have never had a homosexual encounter nor desired one.

I can't say, "I'm a woman" - because until recently I inaccurately thought I was broken internally, that my soul did not match who I really was on the outside. When it occurred to me that who I really am comes from the inside I had a light bulb moment.

The closet thing that I can come up with is:

I am me. I have a personality that is very much like the personality of many women. I am not happy with a man's body and feel cheated at being born anatomically male and despise all the hair on my body and I am very interested in transition.

Sorry - I'm blathering, its just that something you said sparked me into thinking about my situation.