Another Lost Person

[Guest purtistringo]

I somehow made it quite a ways into adulthood without really managing to realize my gender issues for what they probably are.

When I was a kid I was a “tom-boy”, hated dresses (still do), played mostly with boys, got into fights, was super peed that I couldn’t be a boy-scout (wore my dad’s old uniforms and tried to do the things in his old handbooks. In junior high I wore male clothing, and felt really happy when girls would say I made a cute guy, when my little girlfriend at the time would tell me I had broad shoulders, and when my dad would jokingly call me his “son”. When I was 18, I pretended to be a boy in online chat-rooms, I ended up having this kind of tentative relationship with a girl I met on there, she wanted to talk on the phone, and I was so mortified and embarrassed to have to reveal my identity to her. It turned out OK, because she liked me enough that she decided to give it a chance and we ended up dating for 2 years.

During my 20′s I dated someone who was mostly interested in feminine girls. I did my best to try to conform to my afab role. Really let myself explore it. There are gender related things I don’t mind. As an example, I like pink and cute things. Wearing it not as much, but my wife and I have a hello kitty themed guest room that we both adore. In my opinion that kind of stuff is silly? I think guys can like that stuff, so it’s not really factored in. All the rest of fitting that paradigm was really difficult, hated it, felt a lot of resentment, anger, and depression about that expectation.

When I look in the mirror I wish I didn’t have breast, hips, or a butt. I prefer male clothing and wish I looked better in it, that I had the kind of body that fit right in them. I can look OK in women’s clothing, but even if I could pull off looking really lovely as a girl, I look at pictures and just feel like a pretender. That’s not really “me”. I love how I look with short hair, and I've recently gotten a binder and I love how I look with that on. I wish it flattened even more, but its a great improvement in general.

Bedroom stuff is an issue, because of how I feel about my parts... a really difficult, emotionally painful issue.

There’s a lot more… I’m still processing and analyzing. I’m going to set up an appointment with a gender therapist soon to start unpacking this more. But I think…maybe this is dysphoria? I don’t know. I want to figure this out, but at the same time I’m a bit terrified about what it means for my life if this is what I think it is. My wife is being really supportive of me right now, and I'm thankful for that.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Purtistringo,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Feel free to ask questions. We'll try our best to provide answers.

MaryEllen

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's. Reading through your introduction i was happy when i saw you were going to a therapist. I came here perplexed as well and was finally looking seriously at 'issues'. My Gt helped a great deal as did the chance to open up to others here who might understand. It does seem that you have the support of your wife early in your exploration. That will certainly make it easier to find and accept yourself as the person you are.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest molly'ssofem]

Welcome charlize.I am new here too and I think your gonna find a lot of love and support here.Hugs to you!!

[Guest Opal]

Hello, and welcome to Laura's! You are among friends here!

Please do not be too concerned with strict labeling. Many here are finding themselves and we grow with time. It is a unique journey for each of us, yet there is a lot people here have in common.

Hugs,

Opal