Tea Party Bigots

[Guest Ladyinker]

As I have stated in some other threads, I am currently living in the home of my S.O.'s parents. None of them know I am TG, so coming here is done on the stealth. My S.O.'s parents are pretty right wing. Even though they don't vote, much of what I hear them say falls in line with the rhetoric I hear out of the Tea Party. Yesterday they came back from visiting a relative in the hospital over in Boise, was most likely St. Lukes. Apparently they saw someone that was TG and trying to pass as a woman, which this woman was almost successful in doing. However, the son picked up on the TG of this woman and by what he was bragging about in the kitchen verbally pointed this out to everyone in the hospital room. Then he had to come back here and really drag this poor woman through the mud. I was in the bathroom at the time, and heard every hateful word they all said about this poor woman. I turned on the fan in the bathroom and sat on the toilet crying. I wanted so badly to come out of that bathroom and ask them how they would feel if they were persecuted like they were persecuting this woman. They are all over weight and all look like the punch line for a Walmart joke, you know the ones that go to Walmart in the really inappropriate cloths for their body type. I didn't do this though, and I feel terrible for not standing up for what is right. I know that outing myself now would be dangerous for everyone here, and just make me homeless at a bad time in my life. If that TG woman is in this forum, I apologize for my S.O.'s families ignorant bigotry. I also am so sorry I didn't jump up and fight for you yesterday.

Erin

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Hey Erin, I'm sorry that you had to deal with that yesterday. I've been in a similar situation where family members have made racist comments and I haven't said anything. I think it's important to recognize an array of different things in these situations.

• One is that it is valid and appropriate for us to defend others or ourselves when we witness or are the target of ignorance.
• Two, when we do not stand up for our values, we may feel regret.
• Three, we learn from our failure; maybe we'll do something different next time or take some other, separate action to advance what is important to us.
• Four, family relationships--especially those with family members of s.o.'s--are complicated, and we may have to make allowances or compromises that feel uncomfortable.
• And finally, we are unlikely to change someone's mind by ranting at them. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't rant; sometimes you might need to vent in that way. But realize that when you do, it's going to be mostly you giving vent to your frustrations, fears, anger, or other negative emotion--and the communication that comes from that isn't going to win anyone over.

That's my opinion, at least.

[Guest Razilee]

I can sympathize, Ladyinker,

When I was homeless and living with an old friend who only knew me as male and his family I kept the truth to myself. He was an old friend and may have understood me for who I am, but I wasn't comfortable having to live with them let alone making it more uncomfortable. Thank God I found a job and could move out to my own apartment in six months.

I'm conservative politically and so is my hospitable friend, Christians who vote and who wouldn't judge or talk behind someones back. I don't know if they are Tea Partyers or not, but I'm sure that not all Tea Party members are bigots. I do wonder if they are all talk and what the would do if challenged to uphold some of the things they claim, liberty and justice for ALL, for example. You may not be ready to do that, but that day will come sooner than they expect. Yet usually bullies like that are secretly cowards, afraid of being not complete social conforming themselves.

Ha, I like Walmart because they don't have a dress code and everyone is looking at the weirdos weirder than me.

Love, Raz

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Hi Erin,

I agree with Charlotte in that you are unlikely to change their minds going off on them. You would only serve to put yourself in a unhealthy situation.

IMHO I think you did the right thing by not saying a word. The woman they were talking about wouldn't have known that you defended her back at your relatives place. So it wouldn't have helped her, and again it wouldn't change their bigotry.

You might get strength for the future though by a video I love to watch whenever I need a lift!

Brynn Tannehill is my absolute hero, and she gave a speech at the TransPride-GLAAD.Org in Pittsburgh in 2014. You can find it on line called "Passionate"

Like I said she is my hero, and the speech is.......well 'Passionate'!!

Live to fight another day my dear, and a fight you can win. Some fights are just not worth the energy, and it sounds like they are not worthy of yours.

Big hug,

LesleyAnne

[Guest Ladyinker]

I hear you Charlotte. I know that there is nothing I could say or do that would change these peoples mind or opinions. I think my real frustration is over my being trapped here for the moment, and that my chance for escape is still a few months away. I took their comments pretty personally yesterday, like they were saying those things about me. I need to just put on my F.U armor when I hear them talking this way. I guess it's good practice for when I am out of here and living as a woman. I am sure there will be plenty of comments directed right at me once I am living as a woman.

Erin

[Guest Ladyinker]

Raz, That Walmart comment made me laugh out load. Thank you.

Erin

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Erin,

In my view, you did the right thing. It's all very well standing up for the cause - but not when it puts yourself at risk.

I've been in transition for over 2 years now and just a few weeks ago, I was in a pub where there was a folk music session going on. This one old 'bigot' guy, started to sing a song called 'My proper name is Clarence but you can call me Claire' and I took it as a personal afront. Everyone was singing the chorus and I quite simply wanted the earth to swallow me up. So, what could I do?

Get up and walk out? No, that would 'out' me.

Stand up and complain? No, that would 'out' me.

Sit there with a face like thunder and show my feelings? No, that would 'out' me.

Join in and pretend I wasn't bothered and clap at the end? Yes, if it was aimed at me, it would make them wonder if she was a he etc but I wouldn't have 'outed' myself.

I wasn't condoning what they were doing - far from it and I was really really upset BUT I didn't let them see that and nor did I 'out' myself. If I had chosen any of the other 3 options, I could have possibly put myself in danger. BUT, what I did do was to visit Tripadvisor the following day and give the pub a bad visitor review and suggested that they review their Diversity Awareness whilst letting all those who read it know that I will not be visiting the pub again.

Incidentally, the pub is The Elsinore Pub/Hotel in Whitby, Yorkshire and we visited the Tuesday Folk Session evening. Not recommended.

Kerry x.

Kerry x

[Drea]

I think the actions you describe some of your SO's family members as having done is quite reprehensible.

I do think however that inferring all members of a diverse political group are bigoted because your SO's family happen to support that group is unfair to all those in the group who aren't that way.

It seems fair game within the trans community to engage in prejudicial views towards large groups of people because of their political and religious beliefs. Holding whole groups responsible for the actions of a few nuts that associate themselves with those groups. It is politics at best and prejudice (if not outright bigotry) at worst judging whole groups based on some individuals say or do.

It occurs to me that engaging in prejudice isn't a particularly good way of overcoming prejudice.

[Guest Ladyinker]

Drea, I have yet to meet a person from the Tea Party that didn't act or talk in the manner that I described above. That having been said, my point was not to say that all Tea Partiers are bigots, or anything else. These people just happen to call themselves Tea Party members, and are bigots. I was trying to illustrate my feelings of " Hey, you're making fun of this poor TG woman. How would you feel if someone made fun of you like that? Believe me there is plenty one could ridicule you all over. " My general thoughts I had yesterday. I am sorry if you are a member of the Tea Party and are offended by my stance on the party. May I suggest that maybe the Tea Party clean up some of the statements made by their more visible members out there like Sarah Palin, Raul Labrador, Butch Otter, Ted Cruz, Paul Ryan, etc. if anti LGBT is indeed not their official stance.

Erin

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Sorry Erin,

I meant to say Brynn Tannehill's speech was "I am Real", but you can still find it using "Passionate" by her.

[Dev]

Hey Ladyinker,

Just wanted to give you a quick shout out from Boise. I wasn't the transgender woman involved with your family. If I had been, I'd have cut them off at the knees. Just wanted to let you know there are kindred spirits in this Godforsaken state.

Hugs,

-Dev

[Charlize]

I like your spirit Drea but i also have to admit that if i was Kerry and the pub was singing that song i'd certainly join in. Not that i frequent pubs at this point. It is possible that when people are being mean spirited about us i might really go off but normally i would almost feel that a song like that could be an anthem rather than a putdown. I often sing the Monty Python song....'.I'm a lumberjack (I am) and i don't care. I like to wear women's underwear.'

Try to let the hate go as you move forward. They are simply ignorant and it's better to laugh than to cry.

Hugs,

Charlize

[MaryEllen]

It would be grossly unfair to label any faction as all bigots. To be sure, there are bigots in any given group but we should not be quick to judge the whole group as bigots. The majority of any faction are good caring people. For us to label them all as bigots would only show that we are bigots ourselves.

MaryEllen

[Guest Ladyinker]

Hey Dev,

Nice to see another Idaho girl in here. I guess you just gotta be from Idaho or living here to understand what is going on here politically.

[Guest TracieV3]

They are all over weight and all look like the punch line for a Walmart joke, you know the ones that go to Walmart in the really inappropriate cloths for their body type. I didn't do this though, and I feel terrible for not standing up for what is right. I know that outing myself now would be dangerous for everyone here, and just make me homeless at a bad time in my life. If that TG woman is in this forum, I apologize for my S.O.'s families ignorant bigotry. I also am so sorry I didn't jump up and fight for you yesterday.

Erin

If they are ignorant, educate them. If they are willfully ignorant, then have nothing to do with them.

But please, do not over generalize entire groups, and judge the actions of a few, for the actions of the many.

I have had a similar walmart experience, which personally happened to me.

Years ago, it was night, I was standing in line, and so this older woman that was clearly high on some drugs. She was a older white woman. And she made fun of my long hair, which was in a ponytail. She even pulled at my hair once. Though, not enough to be painful.

None of the others present wanted to have anything to do with this woman. And I knew if I did anything, I would be the one in trouble.

So, I ignored her. When I reached the cashier, I wished to the cashier, a woman, that I just wanted to get out of their.

The cashier replied, so do I.

And after I paid for my item, I left.

From the sentiment of those around me, I got the feeling that everyone considered that woman to be the point of discussion, and they did not agree with her. And I was likely forgotten.

Now, I have had people compliment me on my long hair. Which I have had for over a decade. And this woman was the only one that made fun of it.

On the matter of the son, you could have quietly left the group, and whispered at the nurses station, that the son was causing a disturbance, and they would have put the son in his place. They might have even escorted him out of the building.

There is a lot of things one can do. And one does not need to be direct in their actions. Sometime direct action is proper. Sometimes indirect action is proper. Sometimes no action is proper. With the person being allowed to get themselves into trouble. It just take time to learn how to apply one's options.

[Guest katea]

It would be grossly unfair to label any faction as all bigots. To be sure, there are bigots in any given group but we should not be quick to judge the whole group as bigots. The majority of any faction are good caring people. For us to label them all as bigots would only show that we are bigots ourselves.

MaryEllen

This is very true! No one group/ belief system/ political view/ etc is the owner of bigotry or hate. Bigotry tends to be cyclical as those who are hurt will then lash back or towards those they have their own prejudices against. Compassion is the answer not anger.

[Guest KerryUK]

............This one old 'bigot' guy................

I just want to clarify as I'm not sure who the 'bigot' references are aimed at since I posted my reply.

I was referring to the one old man who started to sing the song - not the entire group who had gathered for this folk session. The reference I was making to reviewing the Diversity Awareness was made towards the Pub and the Organiser of the event - in other words, I believe that perhaps words should be said to the old man to the effect that 'your party piece can be deemed as offensive and id therefore not appropriate at this folk gathering'.

Hope I have made my points clearer.

Kerry

[Guest Ladyinker]

I suppose I should clarify as well, again. I am by no means saying that All Tea Party members are bigots. What I am saying is that the Tea Party has some members, some of which are on TV a lot and I listed them above, that really sound like they are indeed prejudice against the LGBT community. My S.O.'s family identify themselves as Tea Party members, even though they don't vote which might be a good thing. They are 125% against the LGBT community, and think the LGBT community deserve no rights. I was not in the hospital room at the time they were making fun of the TG woman. They were retelling the story back here at the house to the rest of the family here. It was at that time I was in the bathroom and over heard it. Sorry TracieV3, it would have been impossible for me to go to the nurses station and do anything. As far as educating them, not possible. However, at this time I am trapped here with these people. My S.O. doesn't know I am TG which means I stay silent a lot. When I leave here, hopefully in August, I plan on never being around these people again. Unfortunately that most likely means that my relationship with my S.O. will come to an end as well. That is the part that is breaking my heart. Thank you for understanding

Erin

[Carolyn Marie]

Thank you for clarifying the situation, Erin. You're good. I am sorry for your situation, and unfortunately, you're probably right about the future with you S/O, unless she surprises with a more tolerant attitude. We can only hope.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest TracieV3]

My S.O. doesn't know I am TG which means I stay silent a lot. When I leave here, hopefully in August, I plan on never being around these people again. Unfortunately that most likely means that my relationship with my S.O. will come to an end as well. That is the part that is breaking my heart. Thank you for understanding

Erin

Groans.

The situation you have put yourself in, could make things worse for not only yourself for but for other transgender people. If you SO does not know you are transgender, and you break it off, this will get back to you SO's family, and it will reinforce their bigoted beliefs.

I am not sure how you should handle this. And you need to be careful in doing so. But, you at least need to be honest with you SO, and then figure out if you want to break up.

Along those lines. You can pick you friends and enemies. But, family you are stuck with. Or, in this case, you SO is stuck with those family members.

[Drea]

I suppose I should clarify as well, again. I am by no means saying that All Tea Party members are bigots. What I am saying is that the Tea Party has some members, some of which are on TV a lot and I listed them above, that really sound like they are indeed prejudice against the LGBT community.

It sounds like you are explaining how you came to your opinions about those who identify with the tea party.

There are members here, trans people, that do identify with the tea party however.

On the other hand they are somewhat used to and really don't expect much different.

Would it be fair to engage in characterizations of all liberals based on the actions of some? Would that be tolerated? I suspect not.

[Guest Of Whitby]

Incidentally, the pub is The Elsinore Pub/Hotel in Whitby, Yorkshire and we visited the Tuesday Folk Session evening. Not recommended.

Kerry x.

I wouldn't really recommend it either, I would love to make recommendations, but to be honest, they're all a little rubbish.

I guess I'm obliged to recommend the Middle Earth Tavern though, as it is in the family

We do have a fair lot of gay regulars though, if it means anything.

[Guest KerryUK]

I wouldn't really recommend it either, I would love to make recommendations, but to be honest, they're all a little rubbish.

I guess I'm obliged to recommend the Middle Earth Tavern though, as it is in the family

We do have a fair lot of gay regulars though, if it means anything.

Thanks very much for that kind reply, I sent you a PM (hope you don't mind).

Kerry x.

[Guest DesiB]

Erin,

Thank you for starting to appreciate the effects of bigotry and starting to sort out in your own mind what you think you can do best to deal with it in your own way. Personally, I just try to set my own example, which means I first have to catch myself each time I am guilty. I don't shop at Walmart and I am not religious, so it is real easy for me to make blanket statements about those who do shop there (especially with all the bad media they get) or about people who practice all types of religion. But that is not fair and I know it. It normally depends on taking the worst examples and generalizing those to slander entire categories of people. But I really believe people deserve a chance to be known as individuals and should not be prejudged as final verdicts. So I am constantly re-evaluating myself because it is much easier to change myself than it is to change everyone else.

Hopefully, those who know me personally will not hold onto misguided prejudices or pick up new ones. For instance, some who knew me before I transitioned and still know me today, will not begin judging me according to a reality TV transition that is constantly in the media today. And I would even hope that people who have similar experiences to my own regarding the transition process, will not see me as some sort of self-hater or traitor because I too support "Tea Party" principles. But for clarification on what this actually means, I'll refer you to a book by Elizabeth Price Foley called The Tea Party: Three Principles. There is nothing in these principles that leads to bigotry based on sex, gender, race, religion, orientation, and so on. The people who have such issues have those issues independently of Tea Party principles. It is similar to people who try to define what is "American" and totally misrepresent it. Still, we all know when we see and hear people mistreating others and we have every right to call them out on it, at least when we are safe enough to do so. And at the very least, we can always set the example ourselves by never participating in or condoning such behavior.