Probably not just a lazy sucker. I think. I dunno.

[Guest Some_Geek]

I don't know if anyone else here can relate to this or not. I had a rather spectacularly abusive childhood, and I already have so much emotional baggage that I don't know if I could bear the stress of doing a gender transition.

In the face of others' struggles, I feel, frankly, like a lazy illegitimate child. (Didn't put the curse word in the title, since I know swear words can trigger people.) Anyone else in this position?

[Charlize]

I was certainly reluctant to start transition although i was never abused as a child. It took me only 63 years to face my issues head on. I can't blame laziness as it was more a matter of fear. Seeing the journeys others were taking as i read and posted here and conversations with my GT helped me to move forward. Once the ball started rolling it had it's own way of moving me forward through the difficulties. Now i have actually found a bit of peace with myself and the world.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Raya]

Well, it took me a looong time to get over my issues (and some were heavy) and take an honest look at who I am- that got me started. Then I found some trans friends here and irl, started therapy, and started learning about what a huge commitment transition is. Since I am in a much better place mentally and emotionally now, and am no longer fighting myself, I can see the challenge as doable, and so worth it. I really think life in denial is harder.

[Guest Some_Geek]

I really think life in denial is harder.

Fair enough. I'm just not sure how hard life in denial is, since I've been this way for ages, and nobody harasses me for being a miserable imitation of a female. They have to notice, but I'm apparently an okay enough person that people don't turn on me. (Can't get dates to save my life, though--attracted to males. Straight guys seem to like girly girls.) I don't know what I'm afraid would happen if I were to transition, actually. Maybe that I'd get beaten up or something. I understand that mostly happens with MTF individuals, but I wouldn't want to be the exception.

[VickySGV]

Coping with gender issues is not something that can equate to laziness. It is like the time needed to plot and carry out an escape from a prison. It means biding your time until the moment is right to act, putting up supplies, and being watchful of what is going on around you. Lazy though -- NO WAY!!

As for lightening the baggage of your past before trying to Transition, that is actually wisdom above and beyond what you can see just now. I did have to shed a couple of tons of abuse from my childhood myself. I also had to shed attempted suicide by alcohol abuse / addiction that I was doing to myself just before I finally gave myself permission to Transition. Counseling for the addiction lead to Gender counseling and finally finding out that the time was right. (At age 61)

As long as you have gender issues, you are in good company here, whether you are doing more than just thinking about this or not, this is still a place for you. LAZY absolutely NOT.

[Guest Some_Geek]

You are a dear woman, Vicky, and thank you for saying that.

I may turn this into my personal "wait, wut?" thread rather than make a bunch of redundant ones, if that's okay.

Today I read an article teaser on Frontline about kids who transition young, and therefore are never subjected to what feels like a cross-gendered puberty. I wish to God that had been available to me back in the day. My parents would have been the type to support it, but nobody thought of such things back then.

It used to make me so happy when people would assume I was a boy, and then one day, suddenly, they couldn't. I'm sorry to say that I was sexually abused as a child, and puberty felt like another rape. I had not given my body permission to do this, and it did it anyway. SO unhappy.

Still not sure I have it in me to transition, especially since I'm attracted to men and I have few enough offers as it is. No idea how being trans would affect that.

Thanks for being patient with me and letting me vent.

[JJ]

If it's any help I also had an abusive childhood. I was physically abused by my leader of the community grandfather. He was such a good man and such a pillar of the community outside the family everyone figured there had to be something wrong with me if he beat me black and blue -and sometimes left cuts from that razor strap. I was molested by a relattive stranger at 6. Also was scapegoated in my family. Anything that went wrong was always my fault somehow. Then my mother remarried and I moved in with her and her new husband. That was a worse hell. Not because of him but she was an alcoholic who was also determined to make a lady of me and I was forced to practice for hours how I walked and talked . Made to dress and look more female. She even did my hair to make me look more girly. Again they were community leaders and no one knew the hell behind our doors.

In my childhood only one person loved me and in truth I only loved one person. My other grandmother. I was sitting in her lap when she was killed in a violent car wreck when I was 8. I saw it before I passed out from a skull fracture and had full fledged flashbacks for 20 years. They didn't have a name for PTSD or treat it then. I never spoke her name again for over 20 years and my family was just thankful I didn't talk about it . The flalshbacks were few and far between and so ignored as well. I'm talking dis-associative screaming episodes where I was standing aside watching myself in a way. They only stopped when I finally remembered what I saw in the wreck. But the sorrow for that loss I carried -or thought I did -until 4 years ago.

Depression started early. And thoughts of suicide dogged me from the time that I was forced to leave for school one morning when I was 12 while my mother sat on the couch with a gun to her head threatening to use it. I was on antidepressants for almost 40 years and told I could never stop them because of a chemical imbalance (True according to me current Dr and the latest research as far as the imbalance. Because my brain had the wrong hormones -not enough of what it was designed ti use and way too much of what it wasn't).

I was proud of being a survivor long before I realized what the real problem was and the pain I had long displaced. I thought that I could never transition. Not only was I too old-but I was far too broken physically and emotionally at the end. But someone joined our family-my daughter's father who had not seen her since birth had convinced my daughter he had changed in the 10 years my daughter had not seen him. She and I had raised my granddaughter since her birth after she called off her engagement when her pregnancy brought out his abusive alcoholism). He had led and was a danger to us all. I had to decide to transition and try to live and be there for my family or go on as I was. I had gained to over 350 lbs due to medical issues and been bed ridden for 3 years after an active life.

I'm telling you this because I have been in a place I felt I could not find the strength to transition. Somehow I decided to do my best. I was 63 and needed to lose 200 bs. Needed to relearn to walk too. And I live in one of the most conservative areas in the country. Think Southern Redneck/ Hillbilly mashup.

Amazingly it worked. I could do it. And if I could I really believe anyone can. All you have to do is take one day as it comes. Do the best you can that day and what needs done that day. If you fall you try again the next day.

What really amazed me was discovering that I had actually gotten past my abuse and traumas -and had been displacing my gender identity pain and fear there. I had not known what it was like to actually want to live from the time I was 8 years old. Now I do. I've come to terms with and let go of the past. And I have not been on anti-depressants since T balanced by brain chenistry 4 years ago. Nor do I need them.

I can't express what life feels like now. My daughter's father committed suicide last August under the influence of drugs 5 days after we managed to get him out at last. He told my daughter that night he would have taken us all with him if he had a way to get here. The years her was here were my worst nightmare come true and we had also lost all our money due to bad investments by a financial advisor. And I mean ALL. All I have left is a house and acreage I couldn't afford to maintain. But even so these last 4 years have been the happiest of my life. I have a peace from within I didn't dream I would ever know. I live as a man and have not been misgendered in at least 3 years. I lost the 200 lbs too and hike with 30 lbs in pack and wrist weights 4 to 5 every day.

It is possible. It can change. And it can make all the difference when your brain has the right hormones. But you don't have to take it on all at once. In fact you can't. It's just too much. If I stopped and thought about losing that whole 200 lbs-especially since I have never found a record of anyone in their 60s losing even over 100- I'd panic and feel overwhelmed. Same if I thought about all the changes and things involved in transition.

Just take the first step and see what happens. And when that is done you'll be ready for the next. The first step is a good gender therapist who can help you discover what step you need and want to take next and provide the guidance we all need. This isn't easy-it's hard and complex-but so worth it. For me anyway.

Being a man is worth it but getting out from under all that pain I carried all my life................there aren't any words. Actually I've found being happy a little scary. I'm not used to it. But it's a scary I'm willing to face.

Johnny