Down the rabbit hole

[Guest]

Hi All,

In a recent post I mentioned that I underdress but do not wear outer wear for a variety of reasons including concern about starting down a slippery slope that would be incompatible with my usual life style. Well, to mix metaphors, I think I just dove down the rabbit hole and have no idea what to do with it.

Yesterday I got my first mani-pedi. I told my wife I was having difficulties reaching all my toes (not a complete falsehood at our age) and was considering a pedi. She offered to cut my nails but said if I wanted to get a pedi to do it and recommended I ask my adult daughters if they were interested in making a social event out of it. My younger daughter couldn't but my older daughter was enthusiastic.

We went to a nice spa type salon. It was a nice setting but I was a little nervous. It was a new experience and I also felt I had to maintain my traditional father persona with my daughter. Got the leg and lower arm massage, nails done and then buffed to a high polish (wasn't ready to consider color). When I returned my wife commented about how metrosexual I am.

This morning, after my wife had gone downstairs, I was laying in bed, looking at, my nails and feeling wonderful. On a whim I got up, went to the closet and tried on a chiffon outfit my wife has had for years but never worn (still had tags on it). Added panties, bra, stockings and some makeshift accessories. For the first time I really felt great about my feminine self without a heavy sexual connotation. Swirled around a little and loved seeing the skirt flair. That lead to some subdued but fun free form dancing. At that point I freaked out, put everything away and got dressed as my usual self (including panties :-)).

For the first time I find myself attracted to full dressing with makeup and even a wig. Would stay in the privacy of our room which is relatively private up stairs.

My wife, who tolerates my underdressing but doesn't want to be made more aware of it, would absolutely freak out. I don't want to start having secrets between us even if I could devise an appropriate hiding place.

I really have no idea what I'm going to do about this.

Erica

[Charlize]

My issues have come and gone throughout my life with long periods of having any issue just slip into the background. It is perhaps true that the experiences grew in intensity. They certainly changed over the years. It wasn't a slippery sloop for me. i didn't fall into a rabbit hole and suddenly arrive as female. That might have been a dream but not a reality.

I might speak to your wife at this point, but that is your decision. It might be even better to have a conversation with a gender therapist.

Don't forget that simply wearing a dress does not take you across genders. Many cross dress for a lifetime without ever considering going any further. We all have our own paths. I do hope you can avoid the feeling of shame i experienced. I really don't think we should blame ourselves for being who we are.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest ErIca W]

In my excitement this morning I did not communicate clearly. The big change for me is from a underwear and lingerie under dresser, which I enjoy as a male with a sensual / sexual secret, to a full (outer wear etc. ) male cross dresser in training who enjoys dressing up and playing the role of a woman to enjoy the not directly sexual feelings. Writing this makes me feel like I've been a bit of a pervert but that's the truth of it. I still enjoy underdressing and am so adorned as I write this.

At no point have I felt I am a transgender person. Just don't feel like a full woman trapped in a male body. To recognize my desire goes beyond the obvious fetish is still a big step for me.

Now for some really good news!

My wife and I went out today to celebrate our anniversary and had a really good time going to the beach, exploring some new places, etc. We went by a Ross store when we were at a mall where we haven't been before. I mentioned " oh, one of my favorite suppliers" and my wife acknowledged I was speaking of feminine under wear. I took that opening to say, in a fairly low key manner, that I love her and don't want any secrets between us. I then told her, that within the privacy of our room, I wish to explore more than under wear and lingerie. She said that was fine with her as she knows I am a cross dresser. She said she just doesn't want me to embarrass myself ( or her) or put myself in physical danger. I again told her I love her and appreciate her accepting that part of me. :-)

Charlize, I am sorry that you had to experience so much shame on your journey. I have felt ashamed, and purged, in the past but now as a very mature adult seem to have accepted myself. Either that or I am currently on a bit of a manic high. In any case I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this forum and your presence here. Your comments are all well grounded and supportive. You all have helped me accept myself further and I cannot thank you enough.

Sincere hugs,

Erica

[Guest suden]

Hi erica I think the most telling is you saying "For the first time I really felt great about my feminine self without a heavy sexual connotation".

Separating sex from gender is the key to feeling free and happy. Just to feel feminine and be feminine is the golden egg for me.

Have fun Eden

[Guest ErIca W]

Had more open, honest, friendly and supportive conversation about full cross dressing with my wife today. Her acceptance makes me so happy.

[tracy_j]

That's nice

It's good when things work out and you are able to relax!

[gennee]

Acceptance by your partner does make a difference.