Intro, SO tips... someone said there would be cake?

[CasualDiane]

Alright, this is only the second time I've articulated this side of me in any capacity in as many days. Reddit seemed...noisy and public....

I've read much of the available material and I can honestly say, I have no dysphoria. I am not confused about my gender. I am not confused about my sexual orientation. I'm just your standard hetero guy that likes cute, pretty, comfortable even on me.

I'm pushing 40, married for over a decade, 4 kids. I've known my wife since we were in 5th grade, but she didn't see me as anything but a "brother" until we were 30, go figure. We're a very liberal, atheistic household and my wife could unarguably be described as a "Sweetie-hag", and that might be part of the problem.. another nut in the works, she is a bit heavy, and I'm practically the definition of toothpick.

My history is similar to the rest of you... I was confused why I couldn't wear "nice" clothes as a kid, but as a teen I did manage a small collection of things. As an adult, I tossed everything and have been trying to ignore the pressure. That would bring us up to just over a year ago when something snapped, and I realized i deserve to be happy.

Now, I'm not really looking to pass. Honestly, I doubt i could ever wear a bra or a thong... things like that seem so impractical... but some flats and a summer dress? Why not?

So, last year I was reading some of the women-centric forums on reddit and they were going on and on about how about how awesome smooth legs are. That triggered something in me, so i did what i always do... 3 months of research on hair removal, and then I bought an epilator. At this time i also started buying socks. Lots of socls. They are neutral enough item, but if course, I'm purchasing the thigh-high sock because smooth legs, hello!.

It was the most glorious feeling, ever. I swore that day I could never go back to hair legs. What would the wife say? turns out, nothing. She didn't even notice... for months. I finally told her "i was trimming, and I kind of just kept going. I'm bald below the waist".

She of course asked why, and I told her "It makes my clothes feel amazing, sheets feel amazing and it was a novel thing. It was fun."

She kind of just shook it off. Fast forward to the first sexytime for which she *knows*, she touches my smooth leg and is *repulsed*. She says she feels like shes in bed with a woman. I'm devastated, but we carry on.

3 months later... we're having sexytime and she again touched my leg and says "Did you shave your legs *again? Why? how long is this going to go on??"

Again, I'm visibly hurt, and say "Well yes, but I don't shave. I'm just enjoying it".

a few moths later and the same exact thing happens... but this time i concede "Fine, if it bothers you i'll stop". And i did stop. but of course, using an epilator it takes months for the hair to fully grow back. During this time I purchased a hand held laser that seems to be slowing the growth.

So at this stage she seems very negative, but honestly, she is still in the dark. who can blame her. Over the last year I have generally had completely bare legs. I just cannot go back. I have to tell her.

The only positive rays of hope I've seen are that she has noticed my improved attitude and sensitivity over the last 12 months. She has mentioned how lucky I am that I'm not all that hairy and if i was a woman I'd be "all set". And she started washing my new collection of "delicates" (I have my own pile). Let's be very honest, these are not men's socks. Hell, i was bragging about them to our oldest daughter and said she could borrow them (in front of my wife).

My Wife has post-op trans uncle aunt, and 98% of her friends are homosexuals. She spends quite a bit of time clubbing. She is not a close minded person. That said, I feel that she:

• Doesn't want me to have better legs than her (with less work!)
• her fears of me being gay are valid
• her fears of me being trans are valid
• I'm stealing her role as the feminine person in the relationship.

What's kind of funny about us, is that if you were to judge us by our behaviors, I'm already more feminine than her. I'm the cooker, cleaner, sewer, stay at home, lets talk about our emotions, why wont you just cuddle with me person. She is the partier, out on the town with the boys type. I'm an introvert, shes an extrovert. If I bought 2 dresses I would have double the number she does.

We are about as opposite as personalities can get, and that works amazing for us and our kids.

She is a tomboy. I just need to find some way to break it to her that I'm a tomgirl, and that's not really a big deal.

My goals? At this stage, I really just like my smooth legs and socks, but i need to come clean at some point. I see so many cute tops in fabrics and styles I could never get in the men's section.

I was considering just keeping with the legs, and breaking it to her the next time she asks. Or, finding some nice underwear similar to my existing stuff and having her notice the label when she does my laundry next.

I don't know what's in store, but we are a healthy, happy family, and she is not unintelligent. This cannot be as bad as I think.

So, any tips on telling the misses, I would appreciate it.

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's and yes there is cake on the 6th Tuesday of every week behind the swing set. Hope you'll join us there. You will shortly see that you are not alone here. For one thing smooth legs are the best.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest]

You may be quite trendy! You join swimmers and bike racers with smooth legs.

As I was coming out I wore a lot of unisex clothes. Oh, and welcome to LP! JodyAnn

[Guest ErIca W]

Diane,

You seem quite perceptive and articulate. You have known your liberal wife for a very long time. I doubt that any "recommendations" I might make would be near as insightful of your situation as you are.

That said, when coming out to your SO I believe it best to:

- Be honest, completely honest. Trust is a critical requirement for relationships and once lost is very hard to regain. You have to be honest with yourself too.

- Be considerate. Listen, really listen, and respect her boundaries. You are both in your relationship together.

- Don't push for your desired result and be open to compromise. My SO accepts that I am a CD but does not want to participate or see me dressed. She also wants to be the only girl in our relationship. I am very grateful she is as accepting and supportive as she is and respect her preferences.

She undoubtedly knows what is going on already. Pick a time when you are alone together and neither of you are stressed out for other reasons to have your opening conversation. Address her fears. Assure her of your love for her.

At the next opportunity bring her flowers or make a similar appreciative gesture.

I just did what I said I shouldn't do and offered advise.

Good luck working this out, and as you say it will undoubtedly be easier than you think. And it will be a tremendous relief.

Erica

[CiCi_73]

Hi Diane,

I was in denial of my crossdressing for most of my life (I thought it was a sexual perversion, so I suffered a lot of shame / self hatred every time I "gave in" and put on something feminine). I thought getting married had cured me! I didn't dress for almost 7 years. But it came back (it always comes back) and still I fought it (everyone's familiar with the buy something / wear it for a while / become disgusted in self for giving in and throw everything away, aren't they?). Only within the last couple of years did I stop fighting the urge, but I still didn't know (hadn't done any research) about crossdressing and crossdressers. Finally figured it all out earlier this year.

All this is to lay the history for when (and why) I got honest with my wife. It did not go well. She was upset (rightfully so), mostly about the secrecy. Then, as she considered the situation, realized she had no attraction to crossdressers, and over the last several weeks have decided to end the marriage but remain best friends. It's better than I could have ever expected. Sometimes I'm amazed she just didn't toss me out on my rear.

I don't relay any of this to stop you but the opposite - it's so important to be clear with those who are closest to us, whatever the consequences. Many marriages survive; some don't. All depends on the individuals involved.

On the bright side, I get to dress as much as I want (in my wife's words "As long as I'm not married to it, I'm fine with it"). And I shaved my legs for the first time in my life and loved it, so I understand the feeling.

Best of luck, and keep us posted.

Hugs,

Courtney

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Diane. I hope that you enjoy the time you spend here, and that its both meaningful and helpful.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[CasualDiane]

Thank you all for you kind words and support.

I do believe I have my ducks all in a row as I head off into confrontation-land. Erica is likely correct, I've gathered as much knowledge as I can, now it's time to pack on the confidence. That's where this site apparently comes in. Just getting all my words out and having a few like-minded people not recoil in horror is so heartwarming and confidence-boosting.

I'm sure any of you who have had to tell a SO are familiar with the behaviors...constant self doubt... the re-evaluation of innumerable fictitious scenarios, tweaking every word and nuance... finding a neutral answer for any contingent question... uhg. scary.

That said, After posting I now find myself trying to accelerate my time table. I read all these stories of happy people who started where I am, and I so want that. The vicarious stress relief is intoxicating.

Has anyone ever attempted to talk to their SO via chat/text? I've found I'm incredibly more well written than spoken. I grew up in the BBS age of the late 80s when chat was king. My wife and I have used chat to discuss other "confrontational" topics... I'm torn between this being "too big" a thing [for chat], or forcing myself to treat it like its *not* that big a thing.

I told myself I wouldn't buy any underwear until I talked to her, but I broke down and ran to wallyworld (I blame you and your damn confidence building). I've been researching for months...styles and brands that might suit my needs, and wally has all the styles to try for around 3-5$. I got a couple of boyshorts. They actually fit all my requirements! I wish the legs were a little tighter, but now that I have the style I can work on brand and fit. They are close enough to my existing boxer-briefs, but damn they make my butt look nice. I think she would like them if she gave it a chance.

So, I'm sitting at work in my thigh-high sweater stockings and vasarette boyshorts. Feels so normal.

Anyhow... I will continue to post my story as it unfolds. ttys!

[CasualDiane]

Oh yeah, you guys might like this... my wife often says this when I'm annoyed, but the effect has changed..

"Don't get your panties in a bunch", she says. All I can do now is giggle.

Also, I bet unlike most of those who are not "out", My wife actually calls me "Diane" or "wife" to her friends. Because I'm generally very feminine in behavior, she started it a long time ago.

Christ!, how can i be so close and yet so far away from my goals?!