A Bad Experience Going Out

[Guest LauraJen]

Below is an email that I sent a couple of people about a day out that I had recently with three other trans women. Some things have been edited out, and details of names and places have been redacted. The moral of the story is this - for the first time ever I was out as Laura in what I would describe as "real life experience". The week before this happened i was out and about, but it was at LGBT Pride where I was surrounded all the time by thousands of people who were accepting by default. This isn't quite so "safe".

I was read as a male by a complete stranger despite wearing an unquestionably feminine outfit and apparently looking quite passable, which made me seriously question what people say. I had quite a lot of confidence while being out and about these last two weekends, but any confidence that I built up then has been erased. It was also quite scary having someone randomly come up to you and misgender you.

It really hit me hard, and I was left feeling quite upset and actually really vulnerable for the rest of the day. It also made me stop and ask myself something: When people give me compliments, do they mean it, or are they just being nice? Or the same problem from a different angle - do the ways in which we see each other as trans people and how the general public see us differ?

I suppose some might think to tell me to forget about it and, for want of a nicer phrase, get a grip. But this was quite a comedown, and all i wanted was a chance to integrate with society as a female and be read as such, just for a day, before going back to work as a male (which i struggled with considerably and the emotional impact was enormous). A couple of months ago, I was seriously ill, thought I'd never get the chance to experience things like this and my life was already over. I talked about that in my last thread here (Really Hard Time). It affected me to the point where I have been considering pushing back my gender clinic appointment (when it comes in the post) and so soon after being off work on medical leave I am nowhere near ready to come out at work yet as it wouldn't be good to throw this into the mix as well.

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Hi _____ and _____,

I went out again today, someone from the Beaumont Society group in _____ came to my house and we drove out to _____ to meet up with two others (names are M_____, S_____ and A_____). I bought some things in person - some of that liquid foundation stuff _____ and I got in _____ up in _____, that was back in December, so I MUST have been getting low by now and it's bad news if I run out as I've obviously got something to hide there. I was going to look into laser hair removal after _____, but when I was ill this kind of fell by the wayside.

Other things I got - a dress (the going out sort) and some black skinny jeans. Actually quite easy! I've only ever gotten things online before. We went for lunch as well, and once again I was fine eating out.

One thing happened though that made me feel thoroughly unhappy and insecure. As I was talking to S_____, someone came running up behind us and asked S_____ something. I couldn't hear what was said, but he seemed to want to know who we were. He turned his attention to me and I am almost certain that he said "And what about this young lad here?".

Ouch.

Quite a lot of people in the past have commented on how feminine I look. But that made me stop and think if these people are just saying this to be nice. It made me think that I'm not passing as well as I thought and as well as everyone says.

It also upset me that the male aspect was read instead of the true self that I was trying to express. Being addressed as a young lad while wearing a very feminine outfit me really hit me hard, and I had to try really hard not to get upset about it. I suppose it's because it doesn't usually happen and it made me wonder if actually it's happening all the time and I just don't know. But M_____ was assuring me that this is not the case, and S_____ said how I have to just accept that, ultimately, there are 24 years of being biologically male (soon to be 25) that I am trying to override and there are going to be signs of that that people will occasionally pick up.

I had some quite negative and dark thoughts after this, but fortunately I am very good at repelling them (for instance, I have only ever self-harmed once in my entire life and even then it was only scratches). I was eventually able to get over it, but it did dampen the day a bit, and left me feeling quite hurt for a fair while. I still don't feel great about it, but I am trying not to let the day be spoiled by one little bit of it.

Maybe this guy was just curious or something. A couple of the women admit that they don't pass that well, so it may be that this guy just put two and two together and worked out for himself that I am trans as well. Or that I misheard, but to be quite honest there is nothing at all wrong with my hearing and I am pretty sure I heard what was said correctly. I suppose I am just not used to being misgendered, and it hurt a lot, not helped by a huge increase in my body dysphoria now that my health issues are under control and I'm physically pretty much back to what I was. When I was ill, it was a far, far bigger issue and what's in between my legs and how flat my chest is were the least of my worries.

It was still a good day, and we want to get together and do it again. I achieved a lot today - physically buying clothes and cosmetics has always been a bit of an obstacle, but I did it today, and I also used the female toilets in a shopping centre without any issues. Overall it was a good step up from last week where I was at a Pride event and it was just "safe", whereas this was real life experience.

Laura

[Charlize]

Laura i'm sorry you experienced this. I must admit that it has happened to me and that was a rather constant situation when i first went out into the world. I also found that it was more likely when i was with other MTF's. It has been a long time since that has happened. It is always annoying and a bit off-putting. I'm sure if i get sired again i'll be upset a bit as well but at this point i'm like a duck.....i might not like the rain as much as the sunshine but it at least rain rolls off my back.

It has taken time so don't give up hope.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Melissa~]

A little hint. As a group of T people gets larger the easier is is to be read, and they will be read as a whole group. That's all fine if properly planned, I go out with non-passing groups regularly. I'm quite secure in my life, and if read as part of a group no biggie. Yep I was seen at a gay bar...with assorted TS, TG, and CD people.

[Drea]

It also made me stop and ask myself something: When people give me compliments, do they mean it, or are they just being nice? Or the same problem from a different angle - do the ways in which we see each other as trans people and how the general public see us differ?

Yes, very often they are just being nice. Giving empty platitudes. Particularly online however it happens in the real world.

Trans people and general public do seem to have some difference but I attribute it more to politeness than the different perspective. Trans people can be far more critical than the general public especially about themselves.

Having said that, well there are bigger things that play a role.

For one, being out with other trans people, if those others are known as trans out in that general area or there are individuals that know them, those that know they are trans (maybe even friends) will be much more likely to be read you are trans due to association with the other trans.

Even if nobody knew the ones you were out with were trans, groups of trans people are more likely to be read than individuals. It is just a matter of one thing among any one in the group may draw attention to the group.

Furthermore, passing is far more than a matter of appearance. Voice is a really big factor if someone overhears you. Behavior, how one carries themselves and, perhaps the biggest one, is one's own self confidence.

If you are expecting not to be read, You are also combatting awareness. Trans people often argue that more awareness is needed. Awareness = more likely to be read. There may be a few people out there who have not heard all the Jenner hubbub but there are trans stories so often in the news now, trans characters, heck it is all over the place that most people are quite aware of trans people being out there.

While you are sure you her him refer to you as "lad", is there any possibility you are mistaken? It is really easy to hear people wrong and particularly think we heard what we fear most to hear.

But this was quite a comedown, and all i wanted was a chance to integrate with society as a female and be read as such, just for a day, before going back to work as a male

Transition is a process. Getting comfortable in new social role may take weeks or months, but integrating in new social role is something that takes many years. I suppose one could have a fun day "out as a girl" but that is hardly integrating and doesn't cover the challenges one faces in real life experience as one transitioning does. Random events can happen on a single day. Perhaps you are expecting too much in that one outing?

I am not intending to be harsh, just honest. I am just trying to say there is a process and getting "clocked" (aka read) is something that most experience at some point. Don't let it shake you.

Edited August 5, 2015 by Drea
Corrected "not intending to be honest to "not intending to be harsh, just honest" Oops

[Guest Melissa~]

It not often I'll ditto Drea, but every paragraph there is spot on.

[tracy_j]

I have gotten to the opinion that when I go out I lock myself into female mode! That is - I am a woman and have been all my life. If anyone has issues then it is they that are making a mistake. I do not get into arguments or try to correct them if they get it wrong. I (I think) behave in a feminine manner. I know I don't always pass (but don't know how well I do) but it gives me confidence. Confidence is a major factor.

For example - When using the ladies room I just convince myself that I have been using it for many years and the women inside are as me. That said I can relax in their company even if I don't know them. It really seems to help. Obviously a fall back is needed in such a situation if it fails and a confrontation develops but you would have to be really unlucky if behaving naturally.

I do get sir'ed and it is irritating but unless looking for trouble I think it best to ignore it. Is a cis woman likely to complain if that happens with her? - Perhaps more likely to share her irritation with a close friend!

If you do get mis-gendered just think about it a little and decide if there was anything that stood out. If it is not obvious, don't spend time worrying. It is too easy to overthink things!

Remember - You are a woman!

Tracy

[VickySGV]

Jen, I am sorry you got hit in the side of the head so to speak, but here is a link to something I posted here about being "passing" that I think you need to understand so things will not upset you so badly in the future.

http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=43991

As I say in that post, I was carefully trained to observe people for many decades, and there are times I would read the cutest and most beautiful woman as a Trans*, and likewise read the most awkward looking Trans* woman as Cis woman. You were at ground zero for the former case.

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Jen,

That was a really unfortunate thing to happen and something that the majority of us here have experienced. I can't deny it's a complete bummer when it does girl but you just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again.

My friends here have all said much of what I would say and they have advised me similarly in the past. I would like to add though.......

Being early on in your transition, you will get mis-gendered. I had that quite a lot and was regularly being 'sired' at tills etc. It's because there are lots of little signals you give off and don't even know it - as you settle more and more into womanhood (HRT, learning feminine mannerisms and how you present yourself - which is the reason we go through the RLE after all) then you will find that people will correctly gender you more and more. Even then, there will be the odd occasion that it will happen.

The other thing is that if you are in a group of other trans women, you are much more likely to be 'read'. All it needs is for one of them to do something to 'out' herself and the whole group will be 'outed'. Said in the politest way, this is the reason I tend to not go out very often with other trans women. I go out with my cis-woman partner or meet up with my cis-woman friends/colleagues and rarely find that I'm 'outed'. Being with cis-women makes me feel accepted and safe.

I hope this helps Jen.

Kerry