They Make it Look SO Freaking Easy !

[Jonice]

So I am Now 29 Years old, and i have known all of my life that i am a woman. However upon being sabotaged and beaten over the head by everybody that i thought was my friend or loved one; i concluded that i needed to wait before i transitioned. That was over a decade ago and now i'm crazier than ever. My family is literally trying to kill me, via poisonings, and paying guys to try to infect me with various disease etcetera. I've lost jobs because my former boss, was my Ex-friend and my brother's close friend, so they both threw me under the bus and vilified me all around the town im from. I am tired and I don't see a way out of this madness. I moved From my home state of Illinois, to Mississippi and now i'm in Texas running from these people. Ive filed Police reports, and even filed a federal law claim. Nothing works.

I dont have my naturally feminine features like i used to have at 19. I dont have the same body i had at 19. I don't know where to start my transition. Dont assume i have money because i don't, but i am a hard worker. What should i do? i'm 5'8" almost 400lbs and i am out here. Give me some advice if you can.

[Guest]

there's a chat on the site here. It might be easier for someone to help you if you go there. What I understand from what you say it's that you need help. I'm not from USA as you can see so I cannot help you very much but I bet someone here will be able to help you.

[Guest Raya]

Wow, it sounds like you are in a very bad place emotionally, I'm sorry to hear about all this strife. please take care of yourself, and get into a safe space for a little break time.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Jonice. I am sorry to hear about your troubles, hon. Perhaps you can prioritize your needs as a first step. Are you working? If not, that ought to be your first priority. If you are, then maybe you can check out local LGBT centers and see what services they offer for counseling, health, gender issues, etc. A check up should be a priority to make sure your weight isn't causing other problems.

We'll help you all we can, but most of this is up to you. The journey starts with the first step.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's. we may not be able to solve your problems but please know that you are not alone. Post and read here. Simply reaching out and sharing. It certainly helped me and i believe can help all of us.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Cyndee]

Hello Jonice and welcome to the playground, it's not easy, none of this is. Most won't show you the dark side, so mostly all you ever hear is the how fantastic it is.

Transition won't solve your life problems, I'd work on those first, before taking on more.

So I really don't know you, but based on your small paragraph posted here. Just loose the paranoia, really.

Get work, even if you have to start as a guy, really. Eat more whole foods, and maybe start walking, really.

Post away here, and perhaps with more shared about yourself, we might start to get to know you a little.

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Guest jaynesays]

Depending on where in Texas you are, there are some resources available. In San Antonio, for example, there is the San Antonio Gender Association (www.sagender.com). I'd reach out to them if you are elsewhere in Texas. I'm sure they will be able to direct you to support resources in your area.

[JJ]

4 1/2 years ago I weighed over 350 llbs and medical issues had kept me bedridden for over 3 years. Also had no money and no insurance. I have a number of health issues including Lupus and a heart valve that stress causes to malfunction . Altogether I was glad I had finally found a name for what I am and an explanation for so many things in my life but knew for me it was too late. I couldn't even stand for a full minute or walk 30 feet without a walker. Also was in my mid60s and a decade over my life expectancy with the Lupus and other issues. I was visibly failing and had a very short time left. I had told my daughter I wanted one thing on my memorial stone-"Johnny we hardly knew ye" because I have called myself Johnny in my own mind since age 5 yet at that point the world had never known me.

And I lived in one of the most conservative areas in the country. Infamous even in this intolerant state for being insular and intolerant. We had not known that when we moved here 10 years ago.

And then one day I decided I had to try my best and do all I could before I died. I had nothing to lose. I did research and could find no record of an FTM transitioning as late as I was. Not anyone over 60 losing 100 lbs much less the 200 I needed to lose. I wanted to hike and fish and swim again and do all the things I had done on a very active life up till a decade before.

Today I hike around 100 hours a month cross country in the national forest that adjoins my property. I lost 200 lbs and have kept all but 15 of that off for over 3 years and that 15 is muscle from the twice daily workouts I do. I haven't been misgendered in over 3 years except by people who knew me before and that has only happen twice in a couple of years. And I found out what it feels like to want to be alive.

Amazingly the people where I live also have been accepting. No hate mail or threats or burning crosses on the lawn as I feared. (Not sure how the Klan feels about trans issues but the fact that people here brag about their membership and how many generations of their family have belonged gives you an idea of the atmosphere).

Frequently I ask myself how I ever had to courage to do this. How I accomplished it. I'm not some superman or even that unusual. I think the secret is that I decided I would do my best first and to take each day as it came and do what I could to the best of my ability that day. To not concentrate on how difficult it was and would be or how impossible. Not to look at my limitations but at what I could do and push that a little further each day.

It is incredible what you can accomplish when you decide to just do it. And then look at how rather than how and why you can't. You can and need to look at the ultimate goal but not at all that stands in your way. Because when you start looking at the problems and challenges they will overwhelm you. I didn't say 'I'm going to lose 200lbs" . I said I am going to eat right and lose what I can today. And go as far as I can go because anything was better than where I was.

Ended up so much further than I would have dreamed possible. Life isn't perfect. I still have challenges and issues just like every other human. I'm still financially challenged. But I am happier than I had ever know I could be. And while I will always want more -it's my nature-I am also satisfied and count each day as a gift and a blessing

Just start. Today. now. And do the best you can today. Then get up tomorrow and do the best you can that day.

It makes miracles happen. It really does.

Johnny

[Guest Kayla Grace]

Hi Jonice. First of all welcome. I'm glad you found us

Second, nobody is too old, young, big, or small to transition. I met a now good friend here that claimed she used to weigh over 300 pounds pre-transition. She's lost a ton of weight and looks absolutely gorgeous now. Unfortunately the states is a little behind in the loving of us lgbt so you might have to hold off telling others for a while, but I'm not an expert on the states so YMMV

You can do the same. If you research an mtf former navy seal, she was very rugged before, and she looks amazing now. Someone here will know her name but I think its Kristen Beck?

Third, it only looks easy from someone else's point of view. I won't lie, transition is likely the most difficult thing you will ever do. But there is nothing more rewarding then finding the tranquility in yourself.

Rome wasn't built In a day, and neither is an ftm/mtf. Just like weight loss, you have to take it slow and be patient.

Stay safe hun. Remember we're here if you need us, and we care

[Guest Raya]

Johnny, that is inspiring.

I also "found out what it feels like to want to be alive"