Where Has Alcohol Taken Me

[Guest Chaoticperfection]

This will be a long post, with a lot of venting, and possible triggers for some.

To anyone who doesn't know me, I am Adam. I spend a lot more time on chat, than I do on the forums. But tonight, is a forum sharing/posting matter/time. A little background information on me.. FtM, I have been out over three years now to my mother. She has not been able to accept it within this time, and I do not believe she ever will. That's okay, a pain, but it's okay. Life will go on. One day, I will move out and do what I need to do for myself.

I started using very young. As I have gotten older, it has become much more of an issue in my life. For quiet some time I struggled to admit it was even a mere problem, but about a year ago I realized, that I am an addict. After some dedication, and the very appreciated help of my sponsor, I managed to get sober for some time. Things in life changed for me, and I had started to drink again. I would stop, and start, and stop, and start. I really struggled to hold on to sobriety for much lengths of time at this point..

The beginning of this year, my best friend took his life. This has been a very very deep and personal thing for me. The pain I felt, and continue to feel is something that still troubles me on a very regular basis.

Recently, I have attempted suicide twice. Both times, I was hospitalized. I have been put on medication after the first attempt, and I stopped taking them.. After my second attempt, I was again put on medication, and while we still have not found something that is working for me completely, I am trying to be a good camper and take my medication as directed.

Depression is something I struggle with very deeply, and as much as I wish I didn't, I tend to isolate, and brush my problems under the rug, and dismiss them as minor when they are actually quiet big.. I have struggled with depression since I was a young child, along with ptsd, due to somethings that have happened to me growing up. I am not very open about these things at all, as I don't like feeling like I introduce myself as "Hi I am Adam, and I have a lot of emotional baggage." But this has created more issues for me as well.. It has only been after my attempts that I have admitted to the extent of my depression, and the seriousness.

The beginning of last month, I went to a party. Where I was sexually assaulted by two guys. And fell pregnant.. Somethings happened, as a result of me falling into an even darker place. But long story short,, I did what was best, and terminated the pregnancy.. The authorities have been helpful in trying to get justice. But I deeply struggle to find peace about all of this..

Perhaps what is hurting me the most is my newest and worst addiction.. I have lost a lot of sense of time, but I want to say close to two weeks ago I started using H. I have been shooting up consistently since then.. I tried to stop it myself.. And ended up feeling very sick and very very upset very fast.. I am starting to seek help for this, be it rehab, etc...

I'm not sure what else to say at this point. But I needed to get this stuff out.. And if you made it this far, thanks for reading.

[MaryEllen]

You've had a hard time of it for sure. It looks as if you know what you have to do and are doing it. All I can say is, don't give up. As hard as it may be, these battles are winnable. Just know that we are here for you and that we care about your well being.

Hugs,

MaryEllen

[Charlize]

Adam admitting the problem is the first step in resolving it. I'm glad you shared here. Your honesty and openness is important. It is hard to relive old hurts but sharing can help. Please do get the help you need. Often detox and rehab is necessary especially with the drugs you are using. I hope you will keep reaching out and get the help in real time that you need.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Kate]

Hi Adam,

You're the first fellow Okie I've seen on LP. It's awful what you've had to go through but I'm glad you are able to be so honest with yourself and seek help when you need it. I hope you are able to find the help you need with your new addiction. From everything I've heard about H it's some really nasty stuff, you are a pretty incredible person for recognizing the problem and seeking help so quickly. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope things make a major turn for the better in your life really soon.

Kate

[Guest Chaoticperfection]

Thank you everyone...

Kate - Thank you! I lived there most my life, I did move a but over two years ago. But most my life was spent there. I wish I could get myself to take more steps.. But for now I am trying to be easy on myself for making some. Maybe not huge ones, but some none the less. And getting closer to getting help. To getting real help.

[Charlize]

I hope you take that step into the doctors office so you can get the real time help you need. We are powerless over our addictions. Until we get help the alcohol or drug is in control. I pray that you will have that miracle of making the necessary steps while you can.

You know you've got shoulders to lean on.

Hugs,

Charlize