New Here

[Guest Soph]

I recently found out that I am a MTF transsexual. Although I am uncertain as to how common this is, I did not know growing up, as I suppressed the emotions I was having. I only found this out through therapy (for depression, which was, incidentally, caused by my suppression of emotions). The only reason that I am posting here at all is that I feel as though my life has become stagnant since I found this out. At first, of course, I was overjoyed (and terrified), and wanted to rush right into transition. But then doubts set in about this whole thing. When I look at it rationally and objectively (if such things can be looked at objectively), I know that I am a transsexual. The pieces fit together. My earliest memory is being 5 years old and wanting to be dressed up all pretty like my sisters.

As I mentioned, though, for years I shut down. I convinced myself that I did not even have emotion, or at the very least that I did not feel emotion as strongly as others. I turned to things that made sense to me, like logic and philosophy (which is why I chose the name Sophie), which was not entirely unhealthy, I suppose, but it didn't work. My senior year of High School I missed entirely because I was not safe there--not from others, but from myself. I began cutting myself, starting small, then progressively getting more dangerous. From the research I've one, cutting is common in transsexuals, but I cut my arm, which is not a part of my body that I loathe (as that would be quite irrational, no?).

I was hospitalized twice, and it was during my tenure there that I met my current therapist. I trust her a great deal, as she is the one I came out to about my dressing up (which I had been doing for years). I didn't know what that made me at the time... I thought I was just a pervert or some such thing. From there, my progress initially slowed down, as I was terrified of getting closer to the root of my problems. But after a few months, I just let go and told her the whole story about my dressing up and the emotions I felt. After that, for a few weeks, I made progress like mad. I began to suspect that I was trans, and then did research and suspected it more and more. My therapist, of course, didn't want me to jump to conclusions, but after a while agreed with me that I was transsexual.

I came out to my parents and closest friends with no problems. Of course, that is a nerve-wracking procedure, but everybody accepted me. My sisters even took me shopping.

But after a bit, the thrill wore off and I began to have doubts. First off, I realize now that I am attracted to men, although for years I did not realize it. As a result, I'm thinking (as this is not entirely unheard of) that perhaps I am just a homosexual who finds the idea so revolting that I'd rather believe I was born in the wrong body than that I am attracted to the same sex. This, of course, is only seldom that I feel this way. But lately, as I said, I've been stagnant. I took a semester off because of all this, and as a result I can't do anything social to experiment and find out more about myself (as I live in a small town with virtually no resources for people like me). I feel very strongly that I need to talk with people who are going through, or have gone through, the same things as I am.

I'm sure that nobody really cares to read this autobiography I've written, but I figure its better to put myself out there than to be miserable thinking I could have done something I didn't.

[Guest shanna_bana_1]

we've all been through it. persevere.

[Guest Amelia19]

Hello Sophie!

I'm quite new here too, only about a week, and everyone has been very nice and caring.

I'm sure that nobody really cares to read this autobiography I've written

You're completely wrong.

And don't worry, I'm sure you will feel welcome here and make a lot of new friends.

Just be yourself.

-Amelia

[Sally]

Hello Sophie,

Come on in, don't just stand there in the doorway, come sit by the fire and i will get you some hot cocoa and cookies.

We like to think of the Introductions Forum as a sort of a member's lounge where we can all get together and get to know the new people.

The food may be virtual and the lounge is just your chair and computer, but the warmth and carring is so real.

A lot of nice people are going to be coming by to say hello, they are also offering you their support and understanding.

We do not judge and we try to help.

You are in the very early stages of accepting yourself, it does kind of go in waves at first but don't let that fool you, it's for real!

Rushing into transitioning doesn't allow the surf to die down before you enter the water so sit back and take it slowly, at your pace and don't go in the water for at least thirty minutes after the cocoa and cookies.

Ask questions, read all of the posts, answer a few - we want your opinion too.

There are a lot more transsexuals than anyone knows, our numbers are not accurate because you have to know and accept it before you can answer yes to that question.

I am looking forward to seeing you around the playground.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Pól_Eire]

Welcome to the Playground, Sophie! It's good to have you here. A lot of us have been where you are. It's tough, but stay strong and go at your own pace -- things have a way of working themselves out.

All the best,

-Pól

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear, Dear Soph!!!

You are not alone my dear in how you feel... No.. we have all had very similar experiences!! Welcome my dear, and come in and feel warm. I am here to make you feel cozy, have some cocoa and some cookies (chocolate chip!!).

Please come in from the cold my dear, the draft is blowing!!

Welcome,

bernie

[Guest Frank67]

Hello Sophie,

welcome to Laura's. And like Amelia wrote I think a lot of people will read your introduction.

You met some wonderful people and I am sure more are coming to say "Hello"

Hugs

Frank

[Guest Donna Jean]

Good mooring, Honey!

How nice to meet you!

I see that you've met some of our most precious people!

There is a lot of love here and people really DO understand where you are coming from, so please don't feel all alone!

Realizing yourself is not an easy thing...(it took me half a century ...sounds like a long time, doesn't it?)...But...somehow we all must get out of the fog and see clearly...

That's what you're doing right now...Sometimes you're scared of what you may discover....

But, overall, it's the only way to go on with your life...no matter what you find...

Stick with us, Soph...you'll see that so many are in the same place as you and everyone can grow together....that's how it works here....

Thanks for sharing your story, Sweetie......

Welcome......

XXOO

Donna Jean

[Guest With Faith Or Flames]

Hello Sophie! You were wrong im sure lots of people have read your intro. I did. I hope you enjoy it here! ^^

[Paula ult]

Hi Sophie, i see you have met quite a few of the others already and have been given excellent advise so far, so i will just say welcome.

HUGS!

Paula.