My Mind Has A Mind Of It's Own.

[Guest Jenny]

It's really strange but when I sit and talk to my wife, or even when we aren't talking. My mind almost slips the thought out that I am going to say that I am a woman to my wife. There has been several times where I would have said it and managed somehow not to. If I have a split second, all the horror that it would bring out that I am not yet prepared for manages to stop me.

I can really imagine myself just blurting it out by accident sooner or later. Another funny thing is that I know my wife goes throught he cache on the computer, so I clear it out to make sure she will find out when I am ready, but latley I have forgotten to clear it. My mind is trying to sabotage me I believe!

[Zufrieden]

Hi Jenny:

I feel quite stongly about this.

I don't think it's very productive of your wife to be checking up on your internet usage.

I think it's a sign of a deteriorating relationship. It may not be nice of her, but that's the least of your problems.

What your wife is thinking is hard to say. It may be suspicion of an affair. Who knows?

Yes, you can see the potential horror of coming out to your wife. Maybe you're not prepared,

but it sounds like you're overdue. There probably is no good time.

Don't let things just drift. Don't let an "accident" start the ball rolling. If you are not actively

trying to sabotage your own marriage, take the matter in your own hands since it has gotten to this point.

The statistics are admittedly not encouraging for MTF's coming out to their wifes. Whether you can salvage

your marriage or at least a friendship with your wife depends to some extent on how you handle this.

I don't have any good advice on how you should open your heart to your wife, but certainly the verb "blurt"

plays no part. This is a time when you should put your feelings in the back seat and consider only her feelings.

Think what you are going to say and prepare. This coming out should not be a self-indulgent act for your own relief.

It should be an act of kindness to release somebody you love from suspicion and pain even if it might cause more pain.

I fervently hope that this comes to a timely and positive resolution.

Z.

[Guest Lethalia]

Hello there, Jenny. OwUB? I'm hoping that what I'm about to say is not completely idiotic. Opposing views are welcome. Here it is…

Growing up, my mother was a very strong person. That is what I learned about what it means to be a woman. Men may look and act tough… but it is the women that take more and keep on going. Women may cry more often, but they are all the tougher for it. Think of all the things women go through. Women are tougher. Hands down. These are the creatures we emulate. That said…

My ex (of fourteen years) used to go through the computer too (and she was thorough)… until we got separate computers and I started passwording everything. Perhaps she thought I was having an affair as Z mentioned. Don't know, don't care. But I was already out. People are good at lying to themselves. And words didn't help. It wasn't until I sliced my wrist open (lockdown!) that she fully realized just how serious the situation was. Perhaps you see where I'm headed here. Commercial voice: "Don't let THIS happen… to you."

Yes, coming out to your wife will open up a can of snakes (sorry, worms) that is unlikely to be again contained. And I agree with Z in that there probably is no good time to come out to her… "And honey, speaking of butterflies…". Personally, I'm guessing she already has an inkling of the truth. But I'm guessing. I grew up in the Cold War and Vietnam War (sorry, Police Action) era, so I favor either the carpet-bombing and napalm or the duck-and-cover approach to these kinds of conversations. But then, I'm a jerk, so… take that with a grain of salt (the whole lake disappeared?). You can take a nicer approach. Who knows, she might be nice too. However…

They say to expect the worst and hope for the best. I would do just that. And listen, this may not apply to you at all… but I would be prepared to take cover. I speak from experience. I have several permanent injuries. And I never, never, never thought she would do something like that. And our break up was even worse. I'm not saying that it will happen or that it is likely to happen. Just… expect the worst and hope for the best… as with anything.

I will say that everything I did was right in front of my ex and the world. And I have done so all my life. So perhaps I am not the best person to be giving advice on the matter. But I do have something to say. And it might sound really harsh. Please understand that I don't want to sound mean. Here we go. To me, it is coming to the choice of losing everything I know and love… or being buried without a funeral or marker so that no one will remember me (especially as man). So far, I am losing everything AND will still have that funeral and marker. Total loss. I am a great example of how to do everything wrong (Follow me!). Commercial voice: "Don't let THIS happen… to you."

I am guessing that you are not going to keep it a secret forever. And I am thinking that it would be better to take the matter into your own hands. All the better to choose the time, place, and tone, my dear (said the wolf). Searching through the cache sounds a little irrational. Try to keep control of the situation. To me, this is your deal, not hers. I know that sounded really bad. A kind of reverse discrimination thing. But I've been Transgender ALL my life. You know where I'm headed with that. Now, I don't know what the statistics are on SOs hurting themselves, but I DO know that the statistics on the Transgender hurting themselves is very high. And I know there has been at least one case of an SO permanently injuring their Transgender mate. IF and WHEN you decide to discuss it with her, make it in a manner of your choosing. Common sense. And, Jenny, if you are certain of your direction, it is better to steer than to drift. My take: That which is in motion, stays in motion. Stay in motion. Freeze, and you may get hit by a car. Great, now I'm crying. I'm so dumb. Hahaha.

In the meantime…

Isabella Lethalia

[Guest Sophie Jean]

Jenny dear, I can see that you dearly love your wife not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable or unclean. But if you really love her, you must be feeling incredible pressure to love her as yourself. For if you cannot find some way of sharing yourself, your feelings, your desires, how can you maintain any kind of intimacy. You will grow further apart than you are now.

Jenny, the number one cause of divorce is not transgenderism--it's deceit and betrayal. I believe that those feelings to "blurt" are your consciousness speaking. My primary goal and yours as well, is to do what it takes to be a loving individual. So you need to start talking to your wife. If you don't, your marriage probably won't last anyways. If you do, there is the chance that she will come to understand you, especially as you bring her in to build your love for her.

It will be hard. It will be tough. She will probably say some nasty things, and she may even out you to people you don't expect to know. If you love her, then love her. Include her. Give her the time to understand. She will need to change just as you do. And having loved her, let her decide if she wants to stay or go.

Hopefully I didn't garble this up too bad. It is a process I find myself in, and it was for the sake of my own marriage that I started seeing a counselor and told my wife. There is always a risk, and I may still lose her despite what I decide--but at least I have given her the freedom to make her own decision, and I hide nothing from her anymore. That feeling, despite all, makes it all worth it.

With love,

- Sophie Jean

[Guest Zenda]

Jenny,

If one thinks about it...Why do most people who lie get caught ? Their sub conscience is constantly striving to do the right thing by its owner and in doing so makes the owner feel uncomfortable when living a lie and more importantly it will create situations where the owner will have to confront the truth.

For example; an interesting psychological study into weight control...when we desire to 'loose' weight the 'loss' of something normally is an unpleasent feeling eg I loss my purse or my money etc. The purpose of our SC is it to make its owner happy and the negative term 'to loose'-I want to loose weight-is sending a negative message to the SC who will automatically fight the desire to loose something...hence the reason why 'loosing ' weight is so difficult to do. what we 'loose' we tend to put back on.

However if one changes the word loose to something more positive like REDUCE OR I'M GOING TO GAIN AND MAINTAIN AN HEALTHY WEIGHT Ones SC will work in a more 'postive' benefical way. Any negative terms we use to gain something positive like "I'm NOT going to have a bad day" the SC will pick up the NOT and try to make it something more positive like WILL.

I know I tend to go on a bit but that's just how I am...my star sign's Aquarius which should explain my approach to life ie, a quest for truth...But I hope the above explains why we do what we do and sometimes we feel uncomfortable doing so. By the way I'm not a mind scientist but I do know how most minds works...After all I have one of my own to practise on.

Jenny change the way you think...try SMILING a bit more for a start...you WILL find it works WONDERS.

Metta Jendar

[Zufrieden]

Some people are naive enough to think that domestic violence is only committed by men.

Z.

[Guest Jenny]

I'm going to tell a close friend first, I'm in the middle of doing so as we speak.

I used to use that term of smiling and I used to a lot, it kind of slipped under all the other stress.

I see what all of you are trying to say, but my confidence level is low right now and I think going to see a therapist will help. If one ever shows up in this town. I'll see how it goes with my friend first. The term scared to death comes to mind, as soon as I start thinking about any of it I get all muddled in the noodle and can't really think straight. I would really like to be able to go talk to a professional.

[Guest Lethalia]

Hey there, Jenny. OwUB? I am hoping that all is well with you since your last post.

People can be very cruel when they are hurt. And spouses can be exceedingly cruel. Again, hope for the best and expect the worst… as with all things. Of course, it would be better if things did not turn unpleasant. It is an unfortunate fact of life that the world always seems to agree with the winner. Life is neither cruel nor kind: it is survival of the fittest. They say, that which does not kill us, makes us stronger. Not always. I know. Believe it or not, there is the possibility that things will go much better than expected. It does happen. Seriously, it does. Just make sure you get your head in the right place and protect yourself emotionally (as well as physically). Do that, Jenny.

While I am not familiar with the stress due to your specific kind of situation, I might have been a little stressed at times. "Uh, is this a NUCLEAR bomb, or is this just a REGULAR bomb." I think talking to a close friend you can trust is a good thing... as is talking to a therapist (if you can find one). Uh, you know you can trust this friend, right? What am I saying? Of course you can trust this friend. I mean, your life is a little different than mine. Okay. It just that I'm having a little trouble reaching the last of the daggers in my back (the world loves winners). I understand about you being scared to death. I might have been there a few times. I think talking to your friend and a therapist will help you sort thing out a little. We all know that just talking to someone helps … even if all they do is listen. Envision what to want. Now, envision the very least you'll accept. Stay calm and stay in control. If you decide to wait a little on talking action... that in itself is action. As long as you are in control of yourself and are coping with things outside yourself.

Since I was a young teen, that which I have said when making a promise to others and myself: "If you must have faith, have faith in me. This is what I say. It is done." And with that, no matter the damage, I have weathered every storm. Perhaps it will work for you. Yep, I'm crying again. I am soo dumb. Hahaha.

Note: Z is correct. And it happens more often than people think. Case in point: my mother (5'6", 85 lbs) used to hospitalize her giant spouses regularly.

[Guest angie]

Good Morning Jenny,

If i took one thing from opening up to my wife my desire to live as a female,change my body to meet

the image i saw in my mind.

IS......TAKE IT SLOOOOOW.

Introduce the idea......THEN BACK OFF!

When a girl like us comes out, she wants to tell the world.

This can and probably would, drive your wife away.

Give her time to process the information.

When she is ready, she will/might ask to know more about the subject.

I have a girlfriend whom got to stay happily married,transitioning only part way.

That way she gets to be a woman,,and her wife still gets her husband.

It worked for them,wouldn't for me. My Wife Wanted A Man not a woman.

Just something i learned.Hopefully you can work this out and stay together.

Be Strong,You Know You Are A Woman,That Is What Matters.

Angie.

[Guest Jenny]

"If you decide to wait a little on talking action... that in itself is action" that is probably the most relieving thing I have heard my entire life, and for some reason I do feel like telling everyone, if not just to relieve the burden of hiding. Thanks

[Guest kunoichigoddess]

i have the same thing jenny thats actually how i accidently came out to all my school freinds, i had entirely forgeten at the time that i am veiwed diffrently as i am, as for your wife i dont know what her reaction will be cause i dont know her but if you two got married that means the love was there and as the others have said not including her may be whats driving you two apart i think that since you two love eachother then theyre will be understanding from her so you should be fine.

and lethilia i read your post and i read that we "emulate" women, well we're just as much women as the people born with a girl thing are, as my freind told me a good question to ask is what makes a woman a woman is it the girl thing? i dont think so and then she asked ok then what makes a woman a woman i thought about it and i came to the conclusion a what makes a woman a woman is her heart and soul if you feel it then you are and ever since i came to the conclusion ive always felt more comfort with the fact my mind is slowly moving from "i wish i was born a girl" to "i am a woman and nobody and nothing can take that from me"

[Guest Dora]

I'm going to tell a close friend first, I'm in the middle of doing so as we speak.

I used to use that term of smiling and I used to a lot, it kind of slipped under all the other stress.

I see what all of you are trying to say, but my confidence level is low right now and I think going to see a therapist will help. If one ever shows up in this town. I'll see how it goes with my friend first. The term scared to death comes to mind, as soon as I start thinking about any of it I get all muddled in the noodle and can't really think straight. I would really like to be able to go talk to a professional.

With you saying I am telling a close friend first< made the hairs on my arms stand up> that right there would make me furious. Please do not let your wife find out by accident!! She will feel betrayed and lied to even worse if she finds out my accident.