Partner Conversation #2--a few months later

[Swan13]

Had another conversation with my partner last night. Fueled by a few drinks. Not sure now what to make of it. Last night I fell asleep feeling loss, guilt, and maybe just a little crazy. As I have posted elsewhere I am not sure where I fall within the gender spectrum. Of course the fact that I do not know has filled her with more doubt and concern regarding our future. It is clear that we are embarking on a long journey and it continues to fill me with fear about where it might lead. I wish had more answers so that I can assuage her fears and anxiety, but obviously I cannot, given the lack of trust I have in my own thoughts at this point.

When we awoke (way too early btw) this morning we continued the conversation begun the night before. During which I had all but convinced myself that once again I am just a little disconnected with myself and that these feelings are more about anxiety and depression related to life circumstances. However, once we finished talking and I was working on breakfast and had time alone, I was struck with the thought and feeling of being seen as a woman and it was somewhat comforting.

Some good things came out of the conversation, in that we came to some understanding of improving our relationship. She also informed me that as much as I think I may appear male, those who know me likely do not perceive me that way. This was both reassuring and unsettling. The unsettling part was that maybe the reality is that I do need to present as more feminine to be at peace.

Not sure what if anything I am needing with this. Sometimes it simply helps to put it out there so that it is real and I can move on with my day.

Thanks as always for listening.

[MarcieMarie12]

Its a process, take your time. I think talking with others does make it real. There's a definite difference for me since I've begun to talk about this with others. It has been kind of a way for me to acknowledge that this is a part of me, and I need to figure out how I am going to deal with this.

[Charlize]

I would suggest that you see a gender therapist sooner rather than later. This isn't to push you in any direction but instead to help you an hopefully your wife better understand and accept your feelings. I don't know where you are but the main page here at Laura's has a data base of therapists around the country. There is also a listing of GTs who will work with you on Skype.

The main thing about this journey of self discovery is to find peace with yourself. This is best done with professional help not fueled by alcohol or tainted by a hangover..

Hugs,

Charlize

[Carolyn Marie]

Sometimes writing things down, even on a computer screen, can bring clarity of thought and lowering of nervous tension about issues that are unsettling your mind. I encourage you to continue to use this as a sounding board, because even if you don't get many responses, I think it will still be of help to you.

I do second Charlize' thoughts about a gender therapist.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Swan13]

I did look into a gender therapist earlier today and will be calling on Monday. My only reservation is I have been working with a therapist since March and feel bad about leaving. I am loyal to a fault sometimes.

[tracy_j]

To keep talking and communicating generally. You will understand yourself better and those you love will easier understand you. That is at the heart of a good relationship.

Just be careful of the influence of drink (or at least too much).

Good luck!

Tracy x

[Swan13]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and support. I will keep everyone updated.

[Guest Mila]

Hi Swan13,

How are you? Any updates? Any further conversations with your partner?

Take care,

Mila

[Swan13]

I am back from my best disappearing act. Life got a little too hectic and then I had a few technical difficulties when time was available. Anyway, I am back and thanks for the inquiry. As far as how I am doing, I am in a much better place than two weeks ago. Not completely sure what the change was that has me feeling more at peace. I do believe that part of the change is that after two weeks of very intense feelings, I awoke one morning (Sunday or Monday, cannot remember) feeling less conflicted. I also reflected at the time that I felt more masculine, by what I really mean the feminine side was slightly less prevalent. The reality is that I think I awoke feeling more in the middle, although truth be told my inner masculinity is fairly minute to begin with. The other significant factor is as I mentioned in the second conversation with my partner she indicated that others do not see me as being very masculine. This has continued to fill me with some courage to allow more of my feminine characteristics to show. Through this I have been more at peace. Still not sure where my self-discovery is leading me, but I am becoming more accepting of myself and 'correcting' my thoughts and mannerisms less. My partner and I have not had any further conversations that I can recall, in spite of my desire to continue the dialog I do not think that she is currently in a place to have these discussions more frequently. I am hopeful that this will come with time. My current plan is to not broach the subject and allow her to do so the next time. Unless of course an urgent need arises.

Thanks as always for the thoughts and concerns. Have a great day!

[Cosmo]

I have been following this thread with interest.

First I would offer an opinion that sometimes it is possible to beat a dead horse into the ground more than is necessary. While you may be feeling an intense drive to discuss this, perhaps your SO doesn't share the same zest. This is new and exciting and is energizing you while the very foundation of your SOs world has been shaken to the core. A respite from the topic may make your SO more receptive to asking questions.

Secondly their is no absolute in transition although many vocal individuals make it seem so. I myself have a letter for hormones, I am under a doctor's care and everyone agrees I get to decide when I take the next step if I even decide to take a next step.

Before hrt I present as male and since the beginning of my hrt I have finally been happy being male. I would like to add that estradiol level are in the upper ranges of a young premenopausal woman. From the thread I take you've hit your so with the all or nothing, full.speed ahead, damn the torpedoes outcome of this situation. Perhaps that is your destination but you will never know where the journey ends with just the first step.

Just my take.

[Swan13]

Cosmo thanks for your input and thoughts. I completely agree with your take on the situation. Your thoughts certainly ring true and I have come to similar conclusions over the past few weeks. In fact, my current 'struggle' is that I continue to look at gender in the binary, old habits die hard. I cognitively understand that gender as are most things we experience and 'are' exist along continuums, however, I continue find myself through my own soul searching looking at gender as very much male or female. Anyway...back to your astute take on my current situation. I like most I think want to find a resolution in the immediate, but am coming to accept that where ever this journey may lead it will take time, a life time in fact. I also agree with the observation in regards to my partner, which is why I will let the topic lie for now and allow her more 'control' in regards to our discussions regarding my gender identity. One quick last thought that I do not think I have shared is that my partner and I have been in a relationship for 18 years and were best friends for a number of years prior. So the other part of my struggle in discussing things with her is that she has been and continues to be my support.

I do truly appreciate your thoughts. Thanks very much for sharing. It is always helpful to get others' opinions.

I am also curious about your journey if you would care to share more.

Thanks again!

[Cosmo]

Hmph, you want to know my journey. I think my journey is about as screwed up as one can have. I am fairly certain I do not understand it. My presentation (male) belies the OS circulating in my body. I should be running on regular but unleaded is what I have. It is a contradiction and conundrum. If I had but 2 wishes I would wish no one else experiences what I am and I wish my inside matched the outside, be it male or female. I am relieved that I am finally happy with the reflection returned from the mirror but on an academic side this catch 22 I am in is incredibly frustrating.

I wish I could be driven to a complete transition. I wish X gender hormone therapy wasn't the answer without transition, I don't know what the definition of normal is but I'm fairly certain it's not what I am but I wish I was. In many respects I am akin to that guy that rehabilitates dogs when he says Dogs live in the moment. I live my journey in the moment.

[Swan13]

I can relate very much to the disconnect between the exterior and the interior. In fact I had some mild medical problems when I was younger and I used to hope that they would find I have a woman's anatomy on the inside as it would have helped explain the disconnect. Fairly certain that is not the case at this point. Currently I believe that I would have been much happier had I been born as a female, but the thought of presenting as more feminine is terrifying, yet I think about CD pretty consistently. I think there is a part of me that is feeling that if I try CD it may help guide me as to the next step.

Who knows. I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I've started a journal in which I am keeping track of gender related thoughts, feelings, etc. throughout the day. This does appear to be helping.

Thanks again for sharing and happy Friday!

[Guest]

I think it is wonderful that you are looking at yourself so completely. You can move through your journey with your eyes wide open. In time, maybe shortly even, you will know yourself more completely. The first reward is that you can live genuinely, authenticity and transparent. That is a freedom worth more than gold. Your coarse of action will be much more apparent. Stay in communication with your spouse, she seems to already be of good clear insight and heart. That is rare in most relationships. Hug. JodyAnn

[Swan13]

Jodyann thanks for your kind words and support.

Quick update. So I failed in my attempt to refrain from bringing things up. No surprise, my heart is on my sleeve at most times. Anyway, I have been a little off all day and I think my partner could sense it. Explained it away as being tired. She is going out with a good friend tonight who is a huge support to us. We have all been friends for a very long time. The friends are not aware of my gender questioning, although truth be told would likely not be very surprised either. Long story short, I wanted to let her know that I am ok with her talking with the friend if she wanted to. I know her well enough that she would not do this without permission, so I wanted her to have the freedom if she had the desire. She is with her now so I will not know until later tonight, if at all. I am hopeful that she does as it may make it more real. She is still somewhat in denial or desiring to wish it away. Not much more to say really. Just giving it all some time.

Thanks as always for thoughts.