Finally have to be me

[TrueSelf]

Hi everyone,

I just subscribed because I finally have to take more steps in "public" to be me. Reading some threads showed me already that this goes pretty much in the direction of support I am in need of.

Where to begin? Today more than ever although not for the first time I realize that I am probably transgender since my early childhood in the end. It was back then that I liked to "play" girl in a way already. In fact I didn´t see it as a role I took on but wondered why I can´t do things that were seen as normal for girls, like being the mother when playing family, acting "unmanly" (quotating my so-called father, while Ma would advise me not let him know about my phantasies). So, much to soon I was taught by life that my girl-self is better kept a secret all by myself. Later on I was put into "manly" kinds of sports while I would have been so happy to join a ballet class, acting course and stuff like that. When I "had to" join a swimming Team I remember that I felt pretty uncomfortable being half naked in public exposing my "breasts" to everyone (that´s how it felt and still does).

As soon as I discovered my sexuality at an early age I already had phantasies what it would feel like making love like a girl. May sound weird and believe me, it was a very confusing experience because I didn´t know what was wrong with me. Was I some kind of freak? Was I gay? Was I just too sexually arroused with all those hormones rushing in my teenage body?

I locked it all away although sometimes it would burst out secretely, either alone at home or somewhere out in nature. Those years I always felt very comfortable in the forests where I could be simply me not caring if I appear too girlish or not. How I longed for a miracle that makes me wake up a girl the next day! And how I was afraid that somone might find out about all these dreams. When you start making friends in those years it´s like a straw you cling to, carefully avoiding being an outsider or laughed at.

I guess this influences me until today because I don´t fear anything more than appearing ridiculous, especially when I think of a coming out. How would it influence the relations to people around me, friends, neighbours, colleagues? How could I even think of staying in the same place, in private as well as professionally, when everyone is used to my male role?

This is exactly how it feels increasingly for so many years: playing the role of a man.

Even with my first girl-friend (who happened to be very, very open and aencouraged me to find out about my phantasies with men in real life) my preferences turned out to be more or less feminine. I could have done very well without penetration although the feeling was a sensation at first, of course.

Later on, after trying this and that, I was convinced, not to be gay and still am. One day I had the luck to experience my first "real night" with a man and I couldn´t help it but let myself go and act so woman-like in everything. What can I say? This was the final eye-opener. But still I was not ready to accept being anything else but bisexual.

You´re always smarter afterwards (hopefully) and I could/should have keep on finding out more about my real needs then. But there is another thing accompanying me for many, many years: the desire of finding real love, a Partner you can rely on, a family that sticks together (probably resulting of parental quarrels and divorce during childhood and youth). So one day I got married (we had to for some reasons, not pregnancy, instead of being able to live together an see if it works out). It turned out to be a middle desaster. Emotionally it was ok in the beginning but got worse of course when she had to wonder why I couldn´t give her the physical affection she needed. I mostly claimed to be tired (now doesn´t that sound like the female sterotype of a headache? ). But the fact was that I couldn´t. In ist litteral meaning "it" wouldn´t work without having phantasies in the back of my head about being loved like a woman simulatnously. It was in this era that it started that I only got sexually aroused when thinking of men.

Apart from that I started dressing from the very first moment on that I had a real chance to without being caught. This is to say while I was with my first girl-friend, when she was not at home I tried anything from lingerie to dresses, skirts, shoes, even make-up. How got it felt! And how adorable I found myself in the mirror. Not for narcistic reasons but because I was stunned how much I looked like a girl. It really brought me to tears as I was touched deep inside, again confused.

This kept going on in future relationships which all failed. Today I think they did because they wanted to be together with a man I never was.

Today I´m further down the road than ever and then again I´m not. It´s a neverending circle of yearning, living my phantasies dressing up , feel ashamed or even guilty at some point and throw it all away. Until next time.

I am further in the way of realizing some things but don´t really know how to integrate them into my life. I know my soull, my way of feeling, my ways of thinking, even acting sometimes (e.g. in quarrels with ex-Girl-friends then, Feeling hurt, denied etc.) is a female one. As I live alone I started getting me dresses, skirts, underwear and lingerie, shoes, a beauty case full of make-up and some Whigs and extensions. As it´s winter now I found out that nylons beneath my male disguise feel comfortable and are just the right grade of warming. I don´t dare going out fully dressed because I am afraid. I had a very romantic date one summer night this year, far out at a lake, my first one as a woman. I felt so whole and also got compliments for just the way I am which was just me without playing a role. Fortunately my body is very slim and hairless, even slightly female concerning my waste, arms and legs which I epilate regularly now.

The next step I´d love to take is start HRT. Where I live I am supposed to see a psychiatrist before who will then demand that I live as a woman full-time for a whole year - without any HRT-Treatment before! You can imagine what a discriminating experience that would be, especially as I work with customers a lot.

This is where I am stuck at the Moment. How to carry on? What to do next? I´m not turning any younger and am 47 already. As long as I have to function in my male role it´s hidden and locked away, although it breaks through more often even then lately. Whenever I get the chance to and dress fully I feel like being arrived where I belong. Switching back again feels like being cut off, amputated. The key moment is when I take my bra off. It feels sad to see myself alcking something and it´s like a grey curtain coming down.

This is my story. I do apologize if it got so long a and detailed but it´s been a long way. I just had to share it that way with someone for the first time. Maybe it brings either one of you or me further.

Thank you for your patience.

Sonja

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Sonja,

Please don't apologise and you are very welcome here. You have come to the right place because there are a lot of people here who have felt what you are feeling and who know what it's like to be where you are - myself included (lots of what you said was similar for me). Feel free to come along and ask questions as you get them and there will always be someone here who has an answer for you - normally based on their own experiences.

You mentioned going on to HRT and feeling sad about the fact you must live 'in role' for a year before you can be prescribed the necessary medications. Well, while it seems like a very long time - once you start the ball rolling, you will be surprised at how quickly time goes by. It is possible to live 'in role' without being on HRT you know and as you say, you can already 'pass' quite well anyway. So, I think if you keep your femme appearance quite subtle/neutral and so long as you are able to prove that you are living in your chosen gender, you should have no problems.

I haven't been to Germany for 10 years now but I'm due to go back soon for a short holiday. I shall see how I am accepted when I go there but to be honest, I don't think I will have any problems. We shall see.

Wir fahre nach Bayern und hofe fur viel schnee (kein skiing aber spazieren gehen).

We will be going to Bavaria and hope for lots of snow (no skiing but for walking).

Gruss aus England

Greetings from England

Kerry

[TrueSelf]

Hi Kerry,

thank you for the warm welcome and the encouraging words. Although I have my doubts concerning that year in role. It´s a matter of nosy neighbours and having to deal with customers personally as a daily routine. Anyway, I´m slowly changing already by letting my hair grow (neck length now and can´t wait until it reaches at least my shoulders )

That´s where I live and not to disappoint you but there is no snow at all yet.

Ziemlich gutes Deutsch für 10 Jahre Abwesenheit. (Rather good German for 10 years absence.)

Sonja

[gennee]

Hi Sonja and welcome to Laura's. I enjoyed reading your story and hope

some day that your dream will come true.

[Jani]

Hello Sonja,

Your story is the story of all of us. Welcome. As Kerry notes, the year will fly by in no time. I cannot believe how fast my time is passing. I'm confident you will figure out your work situation. As far as neighbors, some just change gradually until they say something and it's done. Others tell a few neighbors straight away. I do like the idea of just jumping right in and getting all the terror out of the way in one go.

Jani

[Guest Mickey]

Oh Sonja, how I can relate, girl. I do remember when I realized that my only way to be happy was to transition. And to do that I had to come out to everybody. I had gotten to the point where I just didn't care any more if everybody rejected me. I was going to do what I needed to do for me. Once I was out to my parents, I came out to the whole world after that. And things have progressed very nicely since. In January, when I turn 28, again, I will also celebrate 2 years HRT. It truly does get better. After we get through the scary stuff.

[TrueSelf]

Thank you all for your arm welcoming words.

The more I´m getting into it, the more I realize where I come from (soulwise). Yesterday I looked up some childhood photos and realized that probably it was even earlier than I assumed before that they started to change me. Memories of situations when I must have been 3, 4 years old popped up and some pictures seem to show it´s true. Then again: that was in the early 70ies, a time when the generation of my parents were not aware of the topic (keyword: upbringing with "a strong hand"). I remembered that for a carnival in kindergarden I so wished to be a princess with a little crown and pink dress but even then already knew I couldn´t dare to ask for it.

I guess the way in front of me will bring up more and me to tears from time to time.

Lately I experiience mood swings that I´m not used to at all. Meaning, out of the blue I feel very sad or angry at times. Can it be that my hormone system changes although I am not on HRT yet? Maybe I´m on the way to find out why I always respond so sensitive to certain kinds of music (mostly normally soothing tunes) or stories/movies.

Got the idea of going for an old dream and work in the field of photography, preferably elsewhere. The thing is, I´d leave nothing behind and who knows? Maybe once I live the way I am I might succeed in what I couldn´t do being busy fulfilling the male role.

[tracy_j]

Hi Sonja

Even though a little late - welcome

I will just add a little here about the living as a woman for a year. As others say, don't think too much of it. There will be a lot to think about and big advances as well as some inevitable discomfort. My experiences perhaps would cover your early ground:

Although I am not planning total transition at the moment. I do live much of the time as a woman. I wear makeup almost 100% of time when out and have grown my hair long. I work in healthcare visiting people in their homes. I get few, if any, problems. Many people I visit are very supportive and I am happy when they discuss it. I do not take hormones. I regularly go out fully female and, although the neighbours may smile at times, things work. I just dress as any other woman and most people appear to regard me as a woman. Generally the few I realize who don't are respectful. Initially (and sometimes even now) I did make the mistakes of a teenager and attracted attention and comments but it's all good experience. You realise as time goes on you are getting it right more and more and confidence grows. I think it all down to experience and building confidence. Just relax in who you are. After a year you will likely be far more confident and know where you want to be by experience.

Reading around here will give you many other takes with a similar theme

Tracy

[TrueSelf]

Thank you Tracy.

I wonder what that one year "in role" shall be anyway when you consider the appearance of biological women in public. No offence meant but so many just wear jeans or something casual and are not running around in costumes, dresses and with too much of make-up.

At least I can say at this point that I already get more careless and do enjoy it when taken for a woman while I´m not even styled.

[tracy_j]

It is interesting in that I find it far more difficult to find a happy medium / casual wear, or at least did until very recently, than totally girlie. I found if I was being cautious people noticed more, or at least commented. Wearing a dress or skirt can be easier as, even if people do think you male, it is obvious what you feel you are and so comments are generally good. Being half and half confuses people and unless you have an air of confidence you attract attention. I found after wearing fully female clothing quite a bit, dressing casual / unisex is now easier and it is interesting how I have recently been gendered as either male or female more dependant on circumstance.

Tracy

[Guest]

I've read and re-read your thread. First welcome home dear you are in the right place.

I have not replied sooner as I don't want to sway you in a wrong direction. I started out in a pair of skinny jeans with rather plain back pockets, panties, plain stretch cup cami (like a sports bra, so the strap lines were not obvious) and a unisex top. All female, every last stitch, but all solid colors, not pink and not obviously en fem.

Next I got my ears pierced, wore female Sketchers athletic shoes, in black, female size non the less. Then as my hair grew out, each cut I had it styled more and more en fem. Then I got highlights. All that progression took about a year. Then I had enough confidence to pursue me as female with a vengeance! Look out world, come what may, Jody is gone. JodyAnn is here!

Five years transition, four years HRT, five month post-op it all seems like a whirlwind blur looking back. I didn't want to do it out of fear, I can do it, I did do it. Its a scary roller coaster ride, but much safer than our fears. We can't control other people or predict the future. We can live authenticly to ourselves and be genuinely happy. How ever you proceed, be true to yourself. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest]

Oh and buy yourself a pretty nightgown for Christmas. Each night you wear it taking you the true you to bed, that will be your comfort and reward for being a woman of place another day. You will also need the roominess for when your body changes on HRT. The boob fairy does her best work while you're asleep. Giggle. Holiday Hug. JodyAnn

[TrueSelf]

Thank you JodyAnn,

I think "How ever you proceed, be true to yourself." is the central message. Anything else would end in a farce. You´re right, avoiding typical girly stuff in pink etc. helps not turning into a clownish wannabe woman.

That´s why I like to compare it to a journey. It all takes time, for oneself as we ll as for others to adjust. I feel already that I´m further and elsewhere than in the past, e.g. every time I get irritated looks not because of a ridiculous appearance but because of ppl being unsure where to put me. Guess I´m right in between now and enjoying it for the time being.