Confused 21 Y/o Male.

[Guest Anthelia]

For a long time, I have been fascinated with womens clothing as I grew up this stemed into what I would assume as crossdressing. However I would keep having recuring thoughts of what it would be like to be a girl, I thought it would be great. Unfortunatly I treated this how I treated most strong feelings like this, I bottled them up and tried to forget about them. From my lack of emotion I was sent to therapy, one of my biggest concerns was that my desire to crossdress would be found out. I actually think it would have been better for it to be out back then so that I could have gotten treatment(if needed) sooner. My life continued to go on and for years I didn't really think about wanting to be a girl, yet I still continued to dress up. Recently though I have been going over the questions of who I am, what I am doing, and how I got here. From those questions my old thoughts of should I be a woman resurfaced, to be honest I think it would be better being a woman.

Unfortunatly I am confused as to what I actually am, I am currently planning on going to a therapist soon. After taking the COGIATI I scored a 150 which showed me as a probably transsexual. I am truly confused as to whether I really want to be a female or whether I would just be happy with continuing crossdressing. From some reading I saw that hormone therapy for a month or so could shed some light for me. In the fact that if after going on them I start to feel calm and happy then it is most likely the right choice. If anyone can offer some advice I would greatly appreciate it.

[Paula ult]

Hi Anthelia and welcome, this topic would probably do better in the introduction forum but i think only a forum mod can do that, i sent Donna Jean a PM yesterday but i see it's still here.

So i will welcome you to Laura's and offer you some virtual hot coco and some of the famous cookies.

A gender therapist is a must to help you sort out where you fit under the Transgender umbrella, the COGIATI test is not really considered to be reliable, i scored in the 190's twice when i took it, i am MtF and currently transitioning. Only we can diagnose ourselves, the therapist is there to help guide us in that decision. In order for the relationship with the therapist to be successful you must be brutally honest with them, they can't read your mind and if you don't tell them they can't help you. They are doctors and anything you tell them is privileged information just between you and them.

HUGS!

Paula.

[Guest Anthelia]

Thanks for the coco, cookies, and reply Paula, I will post a similar topic in the introduction forum.

[Petra Jane]

Hi Anthelia and welcome, this topic would probably do better in the introduction forum but i think only a forum mod can do that, i sent Donna Jean a PM yesterday but i see it's still here.

'Tis done.

And welcome Anthelia to the forums.

[Guest kirsty]

Hi Anthelia

Welcome to Laura's

I read your intro and know exactly how you feel. I think most of us have been in the same situation, not knowing what to do or who we are. But Coming to a forum like this is definitely a step in the right direction. Everyone here is so friendly, supportive and kind. I remember back when I was in your situation and not knowing whether I wanted to start a transition or whether I was happy cross-dressing or living as a male.

One of the best things you could do is see a therapist, they will be able to talk to you and offer you some great advice and hopefully after a few sessions you will start to see things much more clearly. But in the meantime we are all here to help you with any questions you might have. I am new here and not to knowledgeable, but there are many wonderful people here who are.

Once again, welcome to the forum and it's lovely to meet you

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hello, Anthelia....

So very nice to meet you!

I think you'll find a lot of information here that may be of help to you and help you understand where you truly are....

You really don't want to make a mistake.

Stick with us, Hon....there are lots of loving and caring people here that will lend an ear and an opinion!

And, Paula....my bad! I had started to move it and got called away. Later I thought I HAD done it....Oops! I hadn't!

Hugg

Donna Jean

[Guest Anthelia]

Thank you all for your responses, I actually started writing up another topic and as I looked on this section I noticed that my topic had already been transfered over.

The last few days have been terrible for me, I started doing some self introspection and my old thoughts have come back with a force that I havn't felt before. I started to remember middle school and high school and how truly miserable I was at that point in my life. Many of these memories have been strong enough that I could do nothing other than lie down and cry. I really want and need to see a therapist, unfortunatly I am currently unemployed with my parents giving me enough money so that I don't starve. Due to that the only way that I would be able to aford therapy would be telling at least one of them in the hopes that they would help cover the cost. I believe that they would be supportive but I have read multiple stories from people that thought they same thing only to have their parents disown them. I am lost and have no idea what to do.

[Guest kirsty]

Anthelia, what country are you in? it would be easier to try and help you with a solution if I new what country you are in?

[Guest Anthelia]

I am in the USA, and live in North Texas near Dallas.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Anthelia,

Welcome to the Playground!! What you have been feeling and experiencing is not unusual! I too went through many years of crossdressing, then denial, shame, hatred of myself. Force myself not to crossdress, live life as a bio-male. Ultimately to fail, because I did not address who I was... female!Coming to Laura's is the absolute best thing you could have done!! Reading the forums here, you will see that you are not alone!! There is salvation my dear!! Keep in touch with your feelings and continue to talk to us. We are here to help you!!

Welcome Anthelia!

We are here!!

LOL

bernii

[Guest Anthelia]

Earlier in the week I had mentioned to a friend of mine that I was going through some personal issues, he seemed as though he actually wanted to help with whatever it is. So, I might be coming out to my first person in the near future and get to see how much of a friend he really is. Heres hoping for the best.

[Guest Soph]

Best of luck coming out to him.

First person I came out to was my best friend of 5-6 years, it went really well... probably didn't help that I was a mess the whole time, though

Anyways, it went very well. He and I are still very close (actually just spent 3 days at his house, got back yesterday night), although I don't think he (and my other friends) sees me as a female.

And consider what Paula said. You can't take an objective and impersonal test to figure out something as subjective as gender identity (I say it is subjective because not all females are paragons of femininity. You don't transition to become incredibly feminine, you transition to reflect you).

[Guest Anthelia]

Best of luck coming out to him.

First person I came out to was my best friend of 5-6 years, it went really well... probably didn't help that I was a mess the whole time, though

Anyways, it went very well. He and I are still very close (actually just spent 3 days at his house, got back yesterday night), although I don't think he (and my other friends) sees me as a female.

And consider what Paula said. You can't take an objective and impersonal test to figure out something as subjective as gender identity (I say it is subjective because not all females are paragons of femininity. You don't transition to become incredibly feminine, you transition to reflect you).

Unfortunatly the last time I met with him I couldn't muster the courage to mention it even though I had multiple openings to do so. I am going to try again this Wednesday when we go drinking. Also, I realize the many flaws of the cogiati test. I have since come to grips with who I am and what I plan on doing, which up till now has been a dead end of what I was able to do. Though today I got a job which solves the main problem I had which was choosing between starving and not starving, with a paycheck coming in I can make some bigger steps. I would love to be able to do some cross-play at an Anime convention this weekend just not sure on being able to do that.