Wedding Bells

[Guest leo]

it is how i feared

i dont know if you remember some time back i was talking about an aunties wedding

well the date has been set for july 18

apparently she asked my mum if i would be a braidsmaid! and luckily my mum said i wouldnt wear a dress ever!

but i think she just said that to make me feel she was on my side

because the next thing she said was....

at this wedding you are not to wear a mans suit!

i said i would not attend then, she said fine and it was left at that

now i feel horrible i cant not attend because of this dress issue because my mum will see this as a one over me kinda thing

do i hold my breath and wear a female suit or do i not attend?

[Guest Little Sara]

I'd go in what I felt like wearing (formal still) or nothing at all.

Not to 'win' the thing, but just because I'd feel bad for betraying myself a lot more than for missing a wedding or whatever.

[Guest DanM]

If you really want to go you should go and wear what you feel comfortable wearing, its you life and you body and your feelings that you need to be concerned with, they will deal or not. Individuality is the key word.

[Sally]

Leo,

Sweetheart, I have a suggestion that might help.

There are 'womens' suits that are so 'man tailored' that you can't tell any difference except for two darts on the front - get one of those and wear it with a shirt and tie the shirt can be a female shirt if it makes your mom happy and you can still feel good about not dressing all female.

Compromise is the best way to get to where you need to go - don't draw a line in the sand that will cost you your aunt as well as your mom when there is a way around it.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Leigh]

I'd go in what I felt like wearing (formal still) or nothing at all.

Not to 'win' the thing, but just because I'd feel bad for betraying myself a lot more than for missing a wedding or whatever.

i agree with sara. for my brothers wedding i wore a female suit, and i look back at the pictures and i'm just angry at myself. don't damage yourself for others, ever.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Gender neutral - I have to do it all the time. Look at what is available. Men's suits are so boring anyway.

Lizzy

[Guest B.heard]

I say the same I was made to wear a bridesmaid dress for my sisters wedding irony it was my mother that made me my sister told her not to I was to young to have a lot of say but your not, stay true to your self if you back down to much your mother may see it as you being weak about everything. you an adult dont take a step back perhaps just ask for them to met you half way.. allow you to wear something male your ok with but that they can also have a say in as well.

its 2009 there is isnt that much difference in mens and womens suits so stay strong!

[Guest MrAwesome]

Wear a Men's suit, you're an adult. There's no reason that you shouldn't. You're mom is like a royal pain in your tookus, but like a pain in your tookus, you don't have to let it effect you. xP However you might wanna put some Hemroid cream on it! )

[Guest April63]

I don't really think there is much difference between suits. Anyway, it's just a piece of clothes for a one day event. Don't let it stop you from have good relationships with your family. Even if it is a female suit (or even a dress), that won't stop you from being who you are. Transition doesn't get put on hold for 6 months from one small slip. I would definitely go, because it is best to keep your family close to you. They can help you now and in the future, and will be there for comfort and advice.

April

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear Leo,

Hmmmm this is a tough one. It appears that you are not out to your whole family yet. Which is fine, I am not either. I think that you are going to have to evaluate what is more important to you and what risks are willing to take. You could not attend the wedding and maintain who you are. I don't know your family dynamics, but I would suspect that not attending the wedding would not go over that well and there would be alot of questions as to why you could not attend. You could attend the wedding and give in and wear something "girly" to appease your family, but you would hate yourself for that I am sure. Or you could attend the wedding and present who you are, but there would then be alot of questions as to what is going on with Leo? This could lead to all kinds of different reactions from your family. Some good, maybe some not so good (I don't really know since I do not know your family).

So, I think that first, just think about how important is attending this wedding is for you in the first place and what would it mean to your family if you did not attend. Second, if you decide that you do want to attend the wedding then how important is it to you to present as you are regardless of reaction. If you decide that yes, attending the wedding is important, and presenting as who I am is important too, then do it. I know it is scary, and I know there will be some backlash. But consider this... once it is done, it is done, and you will never have to go through this again! At the next major family event, everyone will expect Leo!!

I hope this helps in some small way.

LOL

bernii

[Guest bronx]

I think you should sit your mother down and talk to her, explaining how wearing a dress will make you feel uneasy, but that you are willing to compromise. See what the both of you can come up with and that should ease some stress on both sides.

True you are an adult, but the reality is that you do still live with your parents. FYI I did alot of compremising when I still lived with my mom, and I turned out okay.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Leo - hey guy! Lotsa advice - goes all over the place! I would say - your call - I think perhaps something can be worked ourt with your mum. Family is verrrrry important - we trans lose so much else...

Just a thought

Love you

Lizzy

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Hey there, Leo. People are giving you some good advice. I don't really have much new to add, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand completely. Eventually there will be a time when people won't be able to tell you what to where, in fact, they won't even presume they have the right to do so. However, that time probably hasn't come for you yet. You're kind of on the border. My mom quit with that junk around the time I was 25. She still tries it, but relents quickly.

My suggestion in this situation is to just wear a male-looking women's suit. They aren't exactly the same, but it is close enough that you'll be able to feel comfortable. That's what I did for years. It's even acceptable for women to wear a tie. Just sit down with your mom and work out a compromise. You can look nice without looking uber-feminine.

The important thing is that this isn't something that is worth missing your aunt's wedding over. You'll definitely regret missing out. Try to find a middle ground where both you and your mom feel comfortable.

Good luck!

[Guest Little Sara]

I'd wear a male suit, why would the family protest if they're like exactly the same? What's the difference between a male-looking female suit and a male-looking male suit that would get them go so high on their horses? That argument plays both ways.

[Guest mia 1]

Hey ! Your Mom stood up for you with the family saying you would never wear a dress that is a big step for her...and it is her sister's daughter's wedding..comppomise for one day and like Lizzie said wear gender neutral clothing. This is family day not your day..so come on Leo give in to the family ties your mom has gone a long way to help you and look at her side of it....you are on your way to adult hood be cool......think of the big picture.....Mia.......

[Guest Little Sara]

I'd compromise if my mom also wore gender-neutral stuff for support.

[Guest MrAwesome]

If you wear female clothes leo, you'll actually make ME cry ;( I can't stand the idea of a fellow FTM wearing female clothes. It's just wrong, not when they're being forced into it! There will be pictures! Videos! People will remember! U can't give into your mom. I just found out that pretty much all my life Therapists and Children and youth services and everyone was telling my mom that I was just in a phase! FOR YEARS! So my mom never took this stuff seriously till I threatened to kill myself!! If I had given in even once to people, it probably would have confirmed to her that I was just in a phase. Made my life more difficult. and even worse I probably would have regretted it for years.

With love for my fellow brothah~

Lewis

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

If you wear female clothes leo, you'll actually make ME cry ;( I can't stand the idea of a fellow FTM wearing female clothes. It's just wrong, not when they're being forced into it! There will be pictures! Videos! People will remember! U can't give into your mom. I just found out that pretty much all my life Therapists and Children and youth services and everyone was telling my mom that I was just in a phase! FOR YEARS! So my mom never took this stuff seriously till I threatened to kill myself!! If I had given in even once to people, it probably would have confirmed to her that I was just in a phase. Made my life more difficult. and even worse I probably would have regretted it for years.

With love for my fellow brothah~

Lewis

Lewis, you make a good point about being consistent with one's presentation. There definitely are times when "giving in" is tantamount to admitting to a lack of conviction. This is particularly a risk for you younger guys.

However, that being said, as with so many things, the end result of this situation need not be a binary outcome. There isn't "wear girl clothes" or "don't wear girl clothes". There are other diplomatic solutions. The solution that is appropriate depends on Leo's individual situation. In this case, Leo is still (at least in part) subject to his parents rules. Also, there is the issue of making a scene/fuss on a day that is supposed to be a happy day where the attention is focused on his aunt, not him.

Leo, in the end, it's your call. However, I feel compelled to share how I've handled this situation in the past. Even before I came out as trans, I made it a point to let my mother know that I was dressing in a certain way for her, not because I wanted to or even felt that I should dress that way. That is a way of framing cooperative behavior, a compromise, in a way that doesn't cause you to lose that consistency that is so important. As others have said, there are women's suits that are almost indistinguishable from men's suits.

Here. Let's look at some examples:

Men's suit

Women's suit

Now, as you can see, there are subtle differences. This is both true and unavoidable. Most women don't want to look like men <--- Captain Obvious strikes again!!

Anyway, all joking aside, there is a way for you to rebel, compromise, be consistent, and look extremely fashionable to the outside observer while doing it. You can get a women's suit, similar to the one I posted a link to, but you could wear a men's shirt and tie. Don't get one of those giant, wide ties. Get a narrow one. I think a solid color will look better, but that's a matter of opinion. Thanks to the bleeding edge of fashion, it's a little easier to get away with some gender bending.

Play your cards right and you might be able to convince your mom you are going for this:

Woman in a Suit

...when you are really going for this:

Dude in a Suit

That being said, my sister is getting married in August. I don't want to cause a scene or anything. That is her day and I don't want to detract for it. However, the day has come where I will not be wearing women's clothes for ANYONE. ...not my mom. ...not my grandmother. NO!

How is my situation different? I'm older and not living in my parents' house. They don't pay my bills or buy my clothes. I've also been working up to this for years and years...gradually. It wasn't like one day I just showed up in a men's suit at a major family function. I've been showing up looking androgynous for years. I'm also on hormones now, have come out to most of my family, have stubbly facial hair, and a deep voice. At this point I would probably attract more attention in women's clothes than in men's clothes. Earlier in my transition, I definitely did compromise to keep the peace, even though I didn't necessarily have to.

[Guest April63]

C'mon people, it's just clothes for one day! I mean, it's not really giving in if you wear girl's clothes (especially the ones that look 90% like the original male version). You can wear a woman's suit, and still have the spirit of a man! You're still just as manly!

April

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Oh...and Leo? There is at least a small chance that I may wear women's pants with a men's suit jacket. My hips are big. Even though I've been on hormones for 6 months, I haven't had a substantial amount of fat redistribution. It's VERY hard to find men's pants that fit right. Even though it kills my soul to do so, if I haven't lost a good bit of weight by August, I am probably going to end up doing a little "gender blending" of my own.

I just thought I'd share. I mean, in the end, it's only clothes.

If you don't believe me, I might have to post a pic of me in men's dress pants.

[Guest Little Sara]

I went full-time in April 2006.

In June 2006 there was a reception thing for my grandmother's 60th anniversary or something like that.

I went there in women's pants and a girl's t-shirt or top (I don't really remember). Though I regretted the whole time not being in a dress or something formal AND female-looking. People over there thought I wasn't too serious, that I wouldn't pass, would always have people able to tell and what not.

Then comes around August 2006. A family reunion where 70 people meet. I made it conditional to my going that I was wearing a skirt. I said so upfront. Someone I hadn't seen before asked if I was my father's daughter before I said anything. And people mainly found out that day - people who had seen me for 24 years of my life as male (if they were that old or older). Aunts and grand-parents and great aunts and great-uncles etc, all people that saw me as a baby.

I didn't care if it was making me the focus of attention. After that, the focus wasn't on me anymore. The next event had no problem at all. The weirdness of it all was gone, forever.

[Guest MrAwesome]

C'mon leo give us an update xP

[Guest leo]

ok so iv read everyones post

and thank you everyone for your input

but im thinking lewis is right

when there are pictures of me last year in a swimsuit on holiday last year, my mum makes a comment like you cant be trans because of this picture

if i give into wearing what she wants me to wear she will not take me seriously and it will be like going to square one again

[Guest MrAwesome]

ok so iv read everyones post

and thank you everyone for your input

but im thinking lewis is right

when there are pictures of me last year in a swimsuit on holiday last year, my mum makes a comment like you cant be trans because of this picture

if i give into wearing what she wants me to wear she will not take me seriously and it will be like going to square one again

*dances* YAY! I won't have to live with the guilt of not having stopped leo from wearing *shivers* Female clothing *hugs tightly* I'm soooooooo happy!!! And I was just looking through pics today, picking a bunch of pics that pass as boy out (a lot of them passed but I had like a pink T-shirt or shorts in some of them) and I went through probably almost all of the pictures we have and I found only one of me in a bathing suite. And it was with shorts to make it look like I was wearing a swimming top. So, I was very fortunate in that department. In any of the female clothing pics of me I looked like a little boy that was cross dressed! XD and there was quite a few pics of me just in a diaper, there was one that just had a pic of me standing there naked... O_o wow... I wonder if I can photo shop it lol I wish ALL FTMs were as fortunate as I am, I admit it's not the best, but I'm out to all my main family, and they are okay with me. My dads the only one still being a brat about it. I'm moving, starting over as a boy, which should be fairly easy no one's even questioned my voice or anything! I'm passing with our neighbors. My mom still uses Female Pronouns around other people that know I'm Trans sometimes, she's used to calling me "Ray" (Which will be my middle name, Raymond) and to her that registers as "Female" because she was calling me that before... when she was in denial and woops I'm getting into a rant shut up Lewis!! But yeah I wish everyone could be as lucky... I've been wearing all boys clothes since 1st grade. Not much baggage, not much to cover up... Not as much to burn!! LOL okay

Don't lose your packer and then get depressed about it and have to search how stinking long to find it!!

~Lewis O=) (I didn't do nuttin, nope not at all <.< >.>)

[Guest Leigh]

that's right bro, you gotta show that you mean it. i know you have the minerals. let us know how it goes and good luck

peace&love