It Had to Be Tails

[AllisonGenesis]

Hi, my name is Allison. I'm 24 years old, a woman, and it feels good to be able to say that with confidence. This is a story that's been in my head for the longest time but nobody else has ever seen, and I feel it's worthwhile saying it now - this is the story of my life that I omit from stories of my life.

I was born in 1991. The doctor flipped a coin, it landed on tails, and I ended up with a penis and a male name. That's where my story, and my life, begins.

My first tastes of stepping in a girl's shoes came from childhood. A lot of my friends were female as a kid, and already began entertaining the ideas in my mind that I was born into the wrong body.

A was the first. She was my childhood girlfriend. Through innocent playing, it was through each other that we discovered our bodies were different. We would occasionally clothes swap, and were already wishing we were each other's genders - something which I believe meant nothing serious to each other (she still identifies as female). But I feel it planted the first idea that maybe I was a female trapped inside a male body.

Me and J weren't big friends, the only notable thing from her is that she had two kiddy nurse costumes, which we would don and play nurses.

E remains to this day one of my best friends. She will be one of the first I come out to, if and when I decide the time is right. But even back then, we were great friends. Perhaps three nights a week her father would bring her over in their distinctive vehicle - I'd hear it pull up outside the door and get all excited about it.

At this point in time I was maybe 8-11 years old. We were both big Pokémon fans at the time (admittedly, I still am). We also liked Cardcaptors, some weird short-lived animé thing. We would always play pretend. And I would always be a female - Sabrina was my favourite Pokémon character, and I daydreamt of being in the Pokémon, as Sabrina, running her psychic gym, or I'd be Sakura from Cardcaptors while E was... well, the girl with black hair, I forget her name.

The world of pretend left, but a new world of curiosity began. B, a male, was my best friend when I was 12-ish. He lived up the road, so he could visit constantly, and we'd play videogames - all the time.

Tony Hawk's Pro Skater was our main export. The series was the first in which I was able to play as a female - Elissa Steamer in THPS2, and I did. Always. But me and B played THPS3 more often. I would play as Elissa, while he created a female "sister" skater. We'd switch on free skate, and we'd talk to each other as if we were the two people we were playing as. This was the last time I ever really socialised as some form of female, to my disdain.

So my feelings were demoted to playing as females in videogames for some time. In Pokémon Ruby, I picked May. In Ape Escape 3, I picked the girl. In any game with a creation mode, I would always go female, and make someone modelled on the version of myself that was private and in hiding. To other people, I was just making a similar character every time - to me, I was making me.

At mid-teens, I got a girlfriend. This was the point at which me as a girl was most dormant. It didn't last a huge amount of time, but she was confirmation that I was still attracted to girls. It made me doubt if I was actually female inside or if it was just crossed wires with my attraction to them.

I got a job shortly after reaching 18, and was there for around half a decade. I had decided in my (non-religious, non-spiritual) mind that reincarnation was a thing, and was something where you could choose exactly who you were in the next life - I could then simply be born as a cisgender girl in my next life and be happy. I would blank out planning out my next life as a girl, from major events down to all the little things that XYs don't get to experience, like periods.

But halfway through this job, my girl side was screaming. She wanted out. She wanted to be me, and the guy me wanted to give her the body with open arms. I could have, and should have, seen a gender therapist there and then. The one problem is that the sector I was a part of bizarrely had an above-average amount of people coming out as transgender, and you'd hear people sneering behind their backs. (Not to a serious extent, but still, mocking behind their back because of something as difficult as coming out like that is just not something I could handle)

I bought a wig and some girl clothes - a dress, a pair of tights, and a pair of panties. I would don the outfit in my room privately. Something just clicked. It felt right being female. I wanted, and still want, the ability to go to a clothes shop and pick out a nice dress.

It was mid-2015 and I'd left the job to create a start-up business with a fellow deserter. I knew I was a girl, I just didn't know my plan. I moved back into my parents' house until the startup began making money - I'm still here now, but it should be viable to move within 2016.

Fallout 4 was what finally made me snap. I got addicted to that game beyond reasonable belief - but it wasn't just the gameplay. I made Allison, with her medium-length brown hair, her curvy figure and her lipstick. And as I played, I realised she was literally just me in a Boston Wasteland. I wasn't playing the game to unlock a specific ending, I was making each decision honestly because I am Allison. I would stop playing the game, but I wouldn't stop making Allison's decisions, and I wouldn't stop having her appearance, and everything else, because I'm Allison.

I since bought more female clothes and got some women's shoes to match (by the way - holy heck, men get short changed in the footwear department - these things have faux fur on the inside. My feet are in heaven right now!)

Which leads into now.

I believe my friends will accept who I am. Some of them might take a little while, but as has been stated by smarter people than me on many an occasion, anyone that can't accept me isn't much of a friend anyway. They're not the big hurdle I need to jump.

I love my parents, but I don't think they'll appreciate their only child becoming a girl out of "nowhere". Especially my dad - he refuses to watch or regard anything in which someone is transgender in real life, plays a transgender person, or even is simply playing a character of the opposite gender. I think he would eventually come around in my case, though. My mum isn't so much intolerant as just not really clued in to anything. She'll make off handed remarks that would most certainly offend a lot of trans people, but I honestly believe in my heart she doesn't mean it and will be okay with it. But that doesn't mean I'm not petrified of coming out.

It might be days, weeks or months, but I owe it to my real self to do it when the time's right. Until then, I'm going to sit here, with my long wig on, in my dress, my black tights (also a thing that men miss out on - soo comfy!) and my shoes, being Allison to the one woman it's most important to - myself.

[Jani]

Hello Allison,

I know it's hard when you believe your parents won't be accepting. But, you might be surprised. Hopefully your dad loves you and your mum would come to understand as well. It's hard for my dad and I accept that. He loves me and time will help. When you do tell your parents, give them time. You've been living this life for a while, but its brand new for them.

You'll most likely have great success with your friends and since they will form the majority of your social network going forward, this is good news.

Jani

[Guest Clair Dufour]

Let's start with the coin toss. There is a very big difference between being intersexed and

transgendered. The first is about having a body and brain that has parts of both sexes in many possible

combinations visible or invisible. The second, transgendered has to do with the mind, regardless of

ones body type which, sometimes is the exact opposite of how one sees themselves. Therapy for both is

very different and requires skilled doctors to sort it out. To make the point about mind and body,there

is a very small percentage of people born without sex or gender and they ( from what I have read) don't

care about it one way or the other.

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing your story. I can certainly relate to parts of it but the circumstances and games were different when i was young. I would certainly recommend seeing a gender therapist at this point. It helped me a great deal as did writing and reading about others here. Glad you've joined us.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Kaylee]

Hi Allison,

I can say that I certainly relate to more than a few things in your story. The video games (arcade games in my day) where they finally had female characters. Virtua Fighter 2 was mine (looking to buy it for PC right now), but it certainly had me hooked for a time. Then Tomb Raider, but what was strange for me was that threats to Lara Croft... felt like threats to me. I mean, I would have an emotional reaction (strange).

More girl friends when I was young, more guy friends in my teens. College years, and a few after... were the hardest, just trying to figure out who I was... and what these feeling were all about.

It seems you have the friends issue understood. If they truely are friends... it won't matter (though a few of mine took weeks to finally respond). Not sure if you are a fan, but "Black me out" by Against Me was what finally got me over that little bit of worry.

Parents are really hard.... dads I imagine are much harder.

Your story is familiar, and you are not alone. As previously mentioned, a gender therapist is the right place to start. Despite pretty much all of us wishing to get to the finish line in a big damn hurry (I can't be the only one right?)... sadly, it doesn't work that way. Transition is a long process, and if that's the path you choose.... it's very much worth it, just ask any of the amazing people here on LP.

Good luck sweetie,

Kaylee

[Guest Kayla Grace]

I'm a 90's child as well, and I know of most of the things you refer to. Sabrina was one beautiful girl wasn't she? I think I smiled reading all of your topic. It seems you have a good mental grip on being trans. Have you seen a therapist yet? That should be your first goal. Then there's HRT, and becoming full time, and so on. But baby steps. This isn't an overnight thing.

[Beeks]

Welcome to Laura's Allison! Another 90's kid here! I really enjoyed pokemon growing up, but it was actually Mimi from digimon that I really wanted to be. I think I enjoyed the idea of being a girly girl and being able to wear pink. I'm just starting to take baby steps right now to feel more feminine myself, so you're ahead of me.

From what I've been told, speaking to a gender therapist is highly recommended. Keep us posted on how things are going. I've only been here a couple of days, but I know that everyone is more than happy to help each other out. Keep us posted on your progress~!

[Angie.Dee]

Hehe, you're story is similar to mine! My first memories of realizing I was trans was playing cross-dressup with a girl that I was friends with when I was little, it's actually where I decided I liked the name Angie, it was her name too and we swapped names as well when we would play and videogames were a huge outlet to be myself, every time I got to make a character or choose I always made a girl.

I'm still in early transition but at this point I've come out to most of my family and a few close friends. It has been overwhelmingly positive for me, and I hope it goes that way for you! Everyone has been supportive of my transition, my father is still lagging behind a bit but he's old fashioned so I'm gonna give him his time.

So congratulations on taking your first steps! I'm glad you have accepted yourself like you have, it was really hard for me!

[Rylie M]

The games part of you story really hits home here myself. I play skyrim heavily i've been a es fan since morrowind. Every character has been female usually breton and more often then not has had dark brown hair, blue eyes named Rylie. I tend to play em with my personality just feminized. Ive even got the game so heavily modded its just like real life I have to east, sleep, drink, i sweat when its to warm or freeze to death when its to cold, I have a full metral cycle can have sex and get pregnant plus a myriad of other things.

[Never2L82comeout]

Hi Allison,

I'm quite a bit older, but I relate to your story somewhat. They didn't have video games when I was growing up, but I do play them now. Since the earliest games where you could create a gendered character, I always created a female, who looked like me on the inside. Most of the time I named her Hannah, but lately have used more regal names like "Princess." Like you, like in Fallout 4, I made choices according to who I am inside, and continue to be her after I quit the game. Elder Scrolls, a relatively new game, (Hi Rylie!) allows a great amount creativity in character generation and I have created a Breton who looks so much like me, it isn't funny.

I'm happy to hear you have the kind of friends who will accept you for who you really are. Mine will have a hard time, I'm sure, because of how long they have know me as my male identity. I like what you said about real friends will accept you. That will be something to be seen, and I hope I do.