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A shy hello to everyone


Just_M

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Hi everyone, I'm from Argentina, just hoping I came to the right place...

I don't even know where to start, but seeing how supportive you are to each other makes me feel a little bit comfortable about talking about this with someone for the first time. I go to therapy and I have friends but I don't feel like I can discuss this with them, so here I go...

At birth, I was assigned a gender, which was Female. But for some reason I just don't feel being a woman fits me. I sometimes wonder what it would feel like to be a man. I've probably read a lot of scholar books about gender and sexuality (Butler, Preciado and so on...) and maybe that's how questions were born. But as a kid I've been rather masculine and I've always played the man in role-playing games and theatre plays. Maybe I'm not as masculine now, I guess education and family had something to do with that as well.

Also, in my head I always make up fictional stories where I am a man (mostly gay or pansexual, as me) and just do regular stuff, like work and having friends. Maybe it's a way to scape or cope with things, I don't know. It's just something I've done for my whole life.

I've also had an online friend with a man as a man myself, which lasted almost 5 years. I know it sounds creepy but I met him in a chat room for gay man and we built an interesting friendship, which at times felt it was more than that...

And this is also going to sound really stupid but I don't want to hold myself back. I've recently seen a couple of online videos of a cisgender man, an artist, Tim Minchin (look him up, he's great). And it's crazy but when I look at him not only I think he's hot but I also feel like that's the body I want to have. Or like Buck Angel (the actor) with more hair and no bottom surgery.

Am I crazy? Am I just talking non-sense? I mean, for all I know, as for looks, I'm quite pretty as woman. But I don't think that word or my looks really suits me (inspite of my few girly days). But I don't live in a quite friendly environment. And I'd probably hurt my family a lot if I even talked about this with them - ever. Things actually got quite nasty at a time I was dating a girl...

Okay, I don't want to write too much so you can read and reply. Please do? I really need your help, I'm pretty sad now.

Thank you for reading.

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  • Admin

Welcome to the Playground, Just_M. I'm glad you came here. Your situation does sound difficult, but many here have faced the kind of barriers you face, and still succeeded in taking that journey to reaching their goals. You can, too.

We have some really special guys here who can share advice and their own stories, and give you solid information as well as inspiration. Please look around and ask questions and post comments. We'll be here to help/

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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  • Root Admin

Hello Just_M,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. You're among friends here so don't be afraid to ask questions. There are many here who identify as you do. :)

MaryEllen

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Guest KerryUK

Hello Just_M,

Your name is so similar to mine that I couldn't resist coming along to welcome you. This is a very friendly site and there are a lot of really friendly and helpful people here. Okay, the majority are us MTF but there are a crowd of kewl FTM too. Feel free to ask any questions you like - somebody will be along and try their best to answer.

Kerry (JustMeUK)

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LOL it's true! Our nicknames are almost the same. I just didn't want to post my real name. I'm a teacher and I'm afraid of the exposure that comes with it. Since you seem so nice, can I ask you something? How and when did you realize you were trans?

Hugs

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Guest Alicia Rose

Just wanted to say Welcome! and this is a great place to express yourself and ask questions without judgement. Reaching out to others is always a good step.. like you have here. We may be strangers, but we're here together, for eachother.

As for your 'online friend' I have a similar story that began in 2008 - but I'll spare the story for the moderator's sake (they gotta approve this message) lol. You're not crazy and it's not non-sense. One question I used to think about a lot was: If we lived in a genderless world, how would you present yourself? If life was a video game and you had to create your own character, who would you be? (Sorry you have to be human, lol) Etc.

I know those are kind of silly questions but I find them fun to think about.

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One question I used to think about a lot was: If we lived in a genderless world, how would you present yourself? If life was a video game and you had to create your own character, who would you be?

Hi! Nice to meet you, JealousMoon! Your questions are really good and I've thought about them a lot. In this fictional stories, I'm always a man. And playing Sims, men were also my favourite (and they were all very handsome and successful LOL!). And when studying acting, I felt more comfortable in the skin of male characters. In high school, I asked my acting professor what he thought about my performances and he said that I should wonder why I chose male characters almost all the time. That struck me hard. I mean, do cisgender people have these sort of questions? I'm really afraid of where these questions and answers will take me. And I've recently watched "The Danish girl" and the TV show "Transparent" and I don't know if I could ever be that brave. I also read stories of people here and it amazes me how strong everyone is. I'm just thinking of moving to another country away from family and friends to see if I explore my gender expression a little bit more. I'm 27 years old and I feel too anxious to figure things out soon so I can stop wasting time if I'm really a trans male.

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Hi just_M and welcome, trans being such a large umbrella construct would of became a good term to start at when questions started to form in my head. The problem for me was my idienity questions started in 1965 and grew and grew as I got older. For me cross dresser, drag queen... And transexual were very scary terms at least in the mid 70's. Mid 80's I think the word transgender was used more and more. When I was 6 I knew something was afoot, but it took 20 years (I felt) I actually had a term I could use as a ice breaker. The best as you put the puzzle together,young, older, F/M and M/F there are lot of us that will try answer your questions. Smile's... Sarah

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Thank you, Sara! You're lovely. I don't know, I have all of these questions that I don't even know where to start. But I guess if I came here it's because there's probably something in me that is different from non-transgender people, right? I wish I could find that out soon.

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Hi Just_m and welcome to Laura's. Feel free to ask any questions that you have. Thank you for sharing your story.
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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome to Laura's. I'm sure if you spend some time here you will soon find your not alone. In fact i'm sure you already have found that. I have known something was different about me but as a child and through so much of my life i lived hidden and never was able to find myself. I knew that some of the happiest times i had were when i was in character as a female but that was weird and i had to let it go. The internet and eventually finding this site helped me to find a path to comfort with my gender. I will never be a cis male or female. I'll always be somewhere in-between but living as female has brought me peace and self acceptance.

Hugs,

Charlize

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Hi and thank you, girls! Charlize, I totally get it, I'm still exploring my gender possibilities. And making a lot of questions in FTM forums hahaha. Internet and the people on it are lovely. I've run into a lot of crazy and mean people online but I guess it was only a matter of seeking for the right places :)

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Hi Just M,

Welcome to the playground, there are plenty of nice folks here from all the various shades of transgender. My boyfriend/partner Alex is a trans guy for instance, he goes by the profile name Ravenhawwk. For some reason though, us trans girls seem to do most of the posting. I guess I am just naturally chatty, oh well. :)

hugs,

Stephanie

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Guest Alicia Rose

I've often wondered why I can't seem to be as brave as most here - but I'm glad I have their support and that has helped me for many years. Coming out and trying to change my entire life sounds so scary yet so good. I've also wanted to just ..run away too. I'm 26 and feel very anxious as well, and feel like I'm wasting so much time not being myself.. not being happy, but knowing the cure and yet too scared to do it.

As for the moving away part, you could check out JodyAnn's TLC resource topic. That one personally has me excited as I've never known of a place like it. Not sure what you'd think about that but worth looking at if you haven't seen it.

LINK: http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=69429

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