4 years ago, part of a journey

[Charlize]

I first posted about this experience two years ago but hope that perhaps my experience of acceptance can help others so i am reposting with several changes (hopefully making for a better read). Many of us face the fear of acceptance in our steps toward sobriety. My experience has shown me the the third tradition of AA can and mostly does work if we allow ourselves the chance.

Three years ago i sat in front of my AA home group as a speaker. The month before i had lead the meeting as Chuck and had sat up front facing the room as him. Here i was as her( at the time called Charlie) and i was scared to death that the people i had grown to trust and rely on would turn their backs on me. Some of the members of a GLBT group where i would go as female attended to support me and it helped to see their faces in the crowd. I was scared. Some folks had only known her but most only knew him. I had lived a lifetime of hiding in a closet as so many of us do. Drunkenness was one relief for me and for some time it worked until the addiction took over my entire life. Getting sober i spent 3 years hiding again and gave up any exploration of my gender issues. The only time she appeared was going through the steps of AA when i told my sponsor about what i considered my biggest character defect. He barely noticed the significance of my statement and it passed in a moment. It was a step for me however. I began to work past the feeling that I was a character defect and look at my feelings and the reality of who i am.

Certainly there was perhaps more acceptance in the rooms. Heck we accept anyone . No person is condemned to death by alcohol if they ask for help from the fellowship. Being able to see others with problems was indeed helpful in letting go of my own fear and self loathing. The loathing i mentioned was perhaps even worse than anything else. I had to somehow find peace with myself. That did not happen with drink. It did happen with time working the steps of AA. Even though my sponsor didn't understand, he allowed me begin to be honest with myself. That alone was a miracle. The rooms gave me the space and helped me spread the wings that were growing out of my caterpillar self. I stopped crawling as a worm, ashamed of self, and feeling stronger as myself broke out and flew.

So here i was with my home group, still filled with fear. They had seen me crawl into the room 5 years before as a hopeless drunk close to death. Over the years of sobriety i slowly found a way to be honest about myself. I went to a woman's meeting, gay meetings and tried to hide in some straight meetings out of town as myself. My home group was the final step. The fear of rejection by the people to whom i owed my sobriety almost overwhelmed me. I gave it up to a power greater than myself and sat down at the desk facing the room as the nights speaker.

At first only a few people recognized me. I was given a gift of speaking what i needed to say and what i hoped might help others. I was honest and vulnerable as i had never been. I was greeted with tears and hugs not rejection. I found yet another reason to be a grateful alcoholic and realized that a power greater than myself had given me strength. Shortly afterwards i came to Laura’s playground and found others who shared my feelings about gender. I started to see a gender therapist. A few months later i went full time.

I owe not only my life to the rooms of AA but i owe the realization of a power and acceptance that has allowed me to grow. No longer a drunk killing myself but instead a person working towards self acceptance and spiritual progress.

Sharing those things that have hurt us is one of the things we do in AA to help ourselves and others. When i shared my deepest secret with a room full of people including strangers i took the first step in accepting that my Higher power could carry me through anything that came of it. I began to accept myself. That was simply a miracle. Scars of the past were healed and i glimpsed a freedom i never thought possible.

Hugs,

Charlize, an alcoholic

[Guest erinanita]

The happiest times in my life are in AA meeting rooms. Mostly in my home group, but in other groups too. My home group taught me to believe in myself. Everywhere we are told "To Thine Own Self Be True". I haven't told the group as a whole my story, but I could. And I know I could feel good about it. I don't think I ever would have been able to totally accept myself had I not returned to AA.

Erin

[Guest erinanita]

O the way to a my home group meeting tonight I enjoyed a conversation with my sponsor. i talked about xxy sometimes known as Klinefelters Syndrome. He said that he had not really understood it previously, although he has always accepted my gender change. The fact that I never was a male or a female was enlightening for him. He asked if I would have transitioned if I had been able to have a baby. The answer is a loud and resounding "No". I might have still had a desire to cross dress but I don't believe I would have felt the need to transition.

But of course that"s a complete game changer. xxy is an intersex condition and I was diagnosed when I was not able to produce sperm.

So at the meeting a couple of guys talked about how they had recently been able to meet with long lost children. I always find it hard when I listen to those stories but I accept those circumstances. After I listened to that I listened to a guy talk about his escapades with "internet" dating. He mentioned after describing a couple of dates that all girls were only after whether he had a job, a house and lots of money. That offended me to no end. I was glad I didn't get asked to speak because I was very close to breaking down already.

As I said in my previous post, this group has helped me a lot, but though they accept everyone, it is a very male oriented group and that's really hard for me sometimes. When I came here two and a half years ago, I was drawn by the service orientation. It was what I sobered up with nearly 37 years ago. But that was before I'd stayed away for several years while I was transitioning. Now everything is different. I think at this point I need to rethink my values. I don't really want to leave this group but I'm not feeling like I fit in either. I did move to an LGBT group about a year and a half ago but it didn't work for me. I came back. I need to have an opportunity to talk about my past; maybe when I celebrate my next birthday.

Erin

[Charlize]

Erin thank you for sharing.

My home group is also very male orientated if only by sheer numbers. When i first joined there was only one female member. She was quite active. When i transitioned she was so happy to have another woman in the group. Now we have a few more. Some days the mix might be 15/7 or so. Only the women are often able to share more than the guys. I find myself in a somewhat awkward position but i share at any rate.

LGBT groups are only somewhat better. I am almost always the only T and the one group i went to took a long time to accept me.

The fortunate thing for me is that i have this place to vent when needed as well as the online meetings i attend. Last nights Skype meeting had 13+ trans* folks. Oddly again i was in the minority. Most were trans* men.

I have been fortunate to have had children. I have even known the joy of being a grandparent. My sobriety date is less than two weeks after my first grandchild was born. When i first saw him i was shaking so hard (in the AM) i knew i would never be able to hold him safely. I owe my sobriety and my life to that child. I also have lost a child and know the intense pain of that experience.

One thing i love about the program of AA is where it says in the promises..... "we will see how our experiences can benefit others." That is a gift that i am often given and for that i am very grateful.

Hugs,

Charlize

[JennaMichelle]

Charlize, I too share a story similar to yours. I have been sober for 3 years this st. patricks day. I also drowned my feelings of gender confusion into the bottom of a bottle. Ever heard the George Thorogood song " I drink alone" well ya that's how I was in a severly depressed state drinking in my shed every night. There was no such thing as just 1 drink for me. the whole time somehow I managed to keep my previous company going and provided for my wife and son, to this day I don't know how I did it or why my wife stayed with me all that time but my whole life changed one day. I had a stroke at 28 years old ..yes after a very drunk night. anyways I brushed with death and decided to change my path in life and quit drinking cold turkey and endured months of horrible withdrawls. it was the single most hardest thing ive ever done and it wasn't pleasant and I do not wish to ever go back. I did not know at the time about AA so my support system was prettymuch my wife and brother, most all of my family are heavy drinkers after work and alcoholism runs in the family. my wife doesn't drink so that helped a lot.

after quitting drinking I promised to myself to find out who I was and confront my gender issues head on. I gave myself incentive and started a "girl jar" ya its corny but I put all my old drinking money each day was 40$ and I used that at the end of each month to build my female wardrobe . it gave me focus and incentive to keep sober all the while helping deal with "the issue"

I think that is so awesome that you found a great support system, I wish I had friends like that !!! if We can overcome Alcoholism we can take on any gender issue or life problem head on, its all in the state of mind. This only makes us stronger and have thicker skin.