Life is short

[Guest AshleighP]

Just this past week a good friend of mine passed away. He went out on his deck to have a glass of iced tea, fell asleep and never woke up. That got me thinking about how brief our time here on earth really is. My Facebook status that day read " life is short. Eat the chocolate. Drink the good wine. Smoke the good cigars. Take the vacation." What I really wanted to add was, buy the cute skirt and wear it whenever and wherever you want.

That brought me to the thought, I really need to somehow convince my wife that who I am on the inside, is who I really am. I have tried to have that conversation and it has not gone well. She obviously knows that over half my closet is female clothing and that I dress when she's not home. I have given up trying to stash things out of sight. What I really want is to be able to come home from work and put on some of my favorite clothes and just relax.

My question is, how do you go about having that conversation without it turning ugly, or into an ultimatum? How do I convince her that this is who I am and Ashleigh is not going away. I will be 60 years old in a couple months and don't want to grow old(er) with regrets of not having lived my life the way I want. Of not doing the simple things that bring me the most joy. I have no problem discussing other things with her, just this one topic is taboo, never to be talked about.

Thanks for listening. I know the answer is different in each situation, but just having this place to air my feelings helps tremendously.

[Charlize]

Thank you for asking what for so many of us is a terribly difficult question. I know it was the hardest obstacle i faced.

When my wife and i had one of those difficult conversations she told me i needed therapy. Amazing it seemed the sky had opened. I had been reading here how gender therapy was helpful and necessary at a certain point. I told her i wouldn't go to therapy to get "repaired" but would find someone who understood my issues.

Amazingly in therapy one of my biggest issues was being true to my own feelings and self if it would hurt others. My therapist was wonderful at helping me with that. That help alone was well worth the price of admission. I found my path.

Maybe it is time for you to consider therapy. It is scary but i know for me it was worth it. These last years of mine have made me glad to be alive.

Hugs,

Charlize

[MarcieMarie12]

Hi Ashleigh,

I agree with Charlize, finding a good gender therapist would help sort through that, it did for me. Also be honest with your wife here, I am sure she would not want you to be miserable for the rest of your life. If you're miserable your marriage will suffer in other ways. Mine was resentment towards my ex because I could not be who I needed to be, and other underlying problems with the marriage. She may not want to hear it or see it, but as I recall she's known about if for more than a year. When your ready you should have a talk with her about it. Be prepared that she will probably get angry and upset at you over this.

[Guest AshleighP]

Thanks for the advice Charlize. At one point, counseling was discussed. My wife is a conservative Christian. The only counselor she would approve was a Christian one, who I'm sure would try to show me the error of my ways. Her response is most always that she is praying God will deliver me from this. I don't want to be, nor do I feel I need to be, delivered. My only option would be to see someone without her knowledge, and I am trying hard not to be deceitful.

She actually was seeing a counselor at one time. She asked my permission to discuss my cross dressing with her. I said yes. I never did hear the outcome of those discussions.

[Guest sandra6sandy9sand]

Hi AshleighP,

Sorry to hear about your friend. When someone dies that I know who is younger than me, I always reflect on my life.

You memntioned that your wife has been praying that you will be delivered from wanting to wear womans cloths. Some times prayers are answered in a way that we don't expect. My wife is very conservitave as well and I have been praying that she accept me for the person I am. I'm 71 years old and I know that my desire to wear womans cloths is not going away.

I have been much more open about my cross dressing with my wife and she still doesn't want to talk about "it", all though she has stated that she accepts transgendered individuals when the subject comes up in conversations with friends or on the news. I'll keep trying with my wife and try to accept her limitations.

Do the best you can with bring up your feelings in comfortable conversation. I wish you luck.

Take care and hugs

Sandra

[Guest Clair Dufour]

You might want to start by checking her closet to see how many dresses and heels she has as opposed to pants, sneakers and baseball caps. Here, it's rare to see women our age dressed up in dresses and long styled hair. Of course they don't consider it gender bending! You should look what she is doing and acting. People change and some still want to hold on to the good old days.

[Guest bobbiw]

Ashleigh et al,

First of all I hope things are warming and resolving favorably between you and your SO. Your emotions are very palpable in this thread.

I find this entire thread, including the responses, very compelling. I have lived my entire life in the closet, primarily under dressing on the rare occasions I found my self alone. Through my teens, twenties, thirties, forties and early fifties I thought and yes prayed that this "phase" would pass. As you all know, my mistake was thinking it was a phase. Now that my children are grown I find myself fully dressing and getting better at makeup and voice.

The problem is that I have concealed this from my wife, a conservative Christian, for over three decades. I am coming to realize that sooner or later I will have to open up and come out to her. I love her and have always been faithful in every other way. It sounds like many in this thread have lived through the same fear and dread that are currently part of my daily life.

Ashleigh, I am sorry if my post violates protocol by inserting my question in the middle of your heartfelt story, but your story along with the replies have resonated with me very deeply. Ladies, please let me know how you approached your spouse/SO especially if you lived in the closet as many years as I have. I know foremost is honesty and allowing my wife time to comprehend and set her boundaries. Is there an approach or resources that can be called uponto facilitate this type of discussion. My wife is very intelligent and has medical training, however, she also has a temper.

To the moderator, if I have violated protocol or been discourteous in any way, please let me know, but I really need guidance from our community.

Hugs,

Bobbi

[Guest Hannah Emma]

Bobbi,

All I can share from my story is that on Thanksgiving 2014 I was suffering from my usual holiday depression. My wife kept pushing me to tell her what was wrong. So I blurted it all out. I don't think it was the best way to come out, but once I took that step, it was like a flood. I then didn't really talk about it again until 6 months later when I decided to start therapy. My wife said she wondered why I waited so long after coming out to her....I told her that I was giving her time to process everything.

Now, we go out at least once a week with be being dressed as my true self. She says she likes going out with me now since the changes. Apparently I was boring. And I just crossed 6 months on HRT.

[Guest AshleighP]

Bobbi,

Personally I don't believe your question was a violation of protocol. I truly appreciate your willingness to go outside your comfort zone and ask it. I wish I had an easy answer for you. I broached the subject a few years ago with my wife and initially her response could best be described as "not negative". That evolved into "I pray you will be delivered from this desire" to " I know you do it but don't do it around me" to our current status of " you can wear whatever clothes You want around the house if it makes you happy" Still not total acceptance, but progress.

I say it all the time, baby steps after the initial shock of telling her wears off a bit. She may surprise you by saying she already suspected. Best of luck!

[Guest bobbiw]

Asleigh and Hannah,

Thank you so much for your responses. Any shared experience is extremely helpful and comforting to me. Knowing my wife as I do, I don't think the "blurting" technique will have the desired effect, but neither will a long winded delivery. I have never labored so much over timing and approach, but I also never had such high stakes. Once the topic is in the open, the baby steps path sounds prudent. My wife is very concerned with presenting a "well composed public family image" so I anticipate much of her reaction will be guided by this and her conservative religious views.

Based on our circumstances and barring that miracle "delivery", I will probably wait until late summer or early fall. As all on this thread seam to know, keeping the topic inside becomes like a mill stone. With all of this in mind, I want to put as much thought and preparation into coming out to my wife as I possibly can.

My fear doesn't center around delivering the message. It is more about the damage it may do to my wife and the life my wife and I have built together. The life where you don't recognize yourself as an individual any more because you've spent more years together experiencing all the highs and lows, the joys, sorrows and frustration that life brings and you are a better person because of your partner. You know, the life you complain about when you forget how truly blessed you are. The life that competes with the irrepressible desire to openly express your feminine side because it doesn't comply with societal norms.

Oh, and Asleigh, you may very well be right on target with your last statement. My wife and I were watching an episode of "I am Cait" (her show choice) and she turned to me very suddenly and said "your better not transition". I just told her it was not part of my plan, which I can honestly say it is not.

Thank you again for your care and understanding.

Hugs,

Bobbi

[VickySGV]

Not to be too terribly negative on this, but the two important points I have seen and keep seeing with us older folks (late 60's here) are: ( A ) the matter of how the "family" appears to the community and ( B ) praying for "deliverance from an affliction" by others.

On the first point, in all reality, it is not the family as a whole that is the point of concern, but that of only the speaker. "How will my SO's actions affect how people will think about me?" It can be a huge fear that is probably overblown, but still a real one to them, but which in the long run would turn into the loss of maybe a couple of not so close friends, but who also share that fear of what the association will do.

The "praying for deliverance" issue is also for God as they understand God to keep their lives unchanged and in their self identified role of _____________and how that role will continue. The prayer is not for your deliverance that is important, only that their idea of themselves is maintained.

Both of those points are all too human, and we need to acknowledge that. They sound dismissive of the people you love at first, but as you come to see these points, it can give you a way to approach what you need to do with a freer conscience and affirmation that you are two separate people who although married can still be individuals. My favorite poet in a piece he wrote On Marriage, says "stand together, but not too close, for the Cypress and the Oak grown not in each others' shade, and the columns of a temple stand apart".

I was not married when I transitioned (divorced 25 years at the time.) but I too prayed deeply for "deliverance" and found that the deliverance I was going to get was serenity as I transitioned to my true life eight years ago when I was 60. I was not going to have my serenity without my change which is further than the rest of you feel you need, but I let other people know, be careful what your prayers are.

[Guest Clair Dufour]

There's a big difference between crossdressing at the right places and times as opposed to living it as a lifestyle. I know both with and without concerned wives. Here in Colorado, every city has Drag and CD venues on an ongoing basis. Even places like Durango, Gunnison and Delta. This is not a gay thing, a lot of hipsters and such attend. If you run into people you know, well sinning too! This is the season to get out there. This week is Pride in Grand Junction and Durango and after that Colorado Springs and Ft Collins. All before Denver in June. If nothing else go watch and visit the booths. Most Trans* groups have them and even floats. I your interested Facebook is the main method of communications. For the rest of you, if you think your isolated, your not if you look in the right places.