This is all so familiar, yet so alien to me.

[Mia]

Hi! My name is Randy and I'm... not even sure anymore. Haha. I'm 23 years old and this all just suddenly hit me about a week ago, so I'm still trying to figure this all out. Also, it's worth mentioning that even though I put "female" on my profile, I am biologically male. Maybe I should have put "male" for now, I dunno. I've been slowly getting used to the idea of being female online. Just a bit.
Anyway, basically, all of my interests, my likes and dislikes and tendencies growing up have just come together recently, and I've been really conflicted, mostly because of my views on gender (I believe that gender is biological, however, despite this, I always refer to trans people using their preferred pronouns and think of them as their preferred gender etc.) and that conscious belief has been conflicting with the feeling that I am female or at the very least that I don't feel like I'm male and I'd be more comfortable identifying as a woman.

I don't like being in a male body (for lack of a better way for me to say it). I don't like having hair everywhere and I've been shaving my body almost every day. I don't like having the genitals that I have and have thought about what it would be like to have a vagina. I've been keeping my nails longer and I've been trying to grow my hair longer. I've even been experimenting with singing techniques to find a female voice. Doing all of this makes me happy and the thought of being a woman, or maybe in my mind, identifying as one, makes me feel wonderful. This is all so strange to me given that this started with an interest in crossdressing which I've had since at least early high school or maybe earlier, though I never actually did it.

There's also the fact that growing up, I was never into doing anything masculine. Though I tried, I never really liked playing or watching sports, in fact I hate doing both now. There's not any hobby or thing I enjoy that's anything typical of someone who's male. I never really thought of myself as strong or masculine in particular anyway. There were also somewhat rare thoughts at times where I would think "It would be nice to be a girl" or "I don't like having a penis" or things like that, but those thoughts would just fade away and I didn't think much of them at all when they came up.

Although this isn't really related, there was a time maybe several years ago where I wasn't sure if I preferred dating guys or girls. I thought I preferred guys for a while, but after some time, I realized I preferred girls, but I digress. For all I know this could be another one of those moments of trying to figure something out about myself and I end up realizing that maybe I'm not trans or...whatever I am. I must be overthinking it though. I know thinking about being trans comforts me. I like thinking of myself as a female online and I like when people refer to me as female. Also, I woke up at like 6 AM (just a bit ago actually, and decided to post what's on my mind here) after dreaming about being trans all night. So I'm even dreaming about this stuff.

I like the idea of me being trans. I like the idea of me identifying as a woman. It feels right to me, but this is all so new to me. I was on the outside of the trans community (and even the LGBT community in general to an extent), although I have had online friends who are trans (mostly trans women, including one trans girl I had a crush on for a while, but that's irrelevant). It just seems strange being a part of a community all of a sudden that I never thought I could relate to, I guess. There was another time I was in denial about something else (though I won't mention what that is here since it has no relevance to this forum) and I would go to forums concerning that particular thing, being confused about it and asking for support and being in denial about having that interest.
This is like that again. I'm going through something that I'm consciously in denial about, despite what my body/emotions are telling me.

Anyway, as for the crossdressing interest, that stemmed probably from seeing it in a lot of anime (which might sound silly), and a week or so ago, there was a crossdressing character in a show I was watching who said something about being yourself and that kinda clicked with me and I really have been thinking about these interests of mine more (so much so that I've been noticing things about myself and I've been crying the past week and getting stressed out trying to sort out my thoughts in what may or may not have been gender dysphoria). I thought it was the appeal of wearing womens' clothing, but I realized that there was a lot more to it. It's the idea of being female that gives me comfort. I don't want to be a showy crossdresser or a gaudy drag queen, or a crossdresser or drag queen at all for that matter. I just want to be a regular girl, and yet I'm still in denial about it to an extent.

Those are basically the thoughts that have been going through my head the past week. Also, I want to mention that I love this community so far. I've seen some posts that have made me feel better and I can relate to and everyone here seems really nice.

[Cyndee]

Welcome Randy to Laura's playground and thanks for your intro

This is a good site to explore yourself. Don't feel like an alien, we all are probably the most human here you'll ever run into. Being trans gives one a unique view in to our humanity and a much larger view (IMHO).

Have you looked into seeing a therapist ? working through your feelings about gender with a professional can really help you sort things out. Highly recommended, most here would agree.

Most folks in the trans feminine space can relate to going through various phases of denial, I certainly did. There many aspects to this denial can lead to the most destructive of outcomes. GD is no fun at all, it's a living hell and it becomes a matter of how you deal with it, everyone is unique. Finding your own unique ways to express one's self can really help, such as clothes, mannerisms, voice, hormones, surgeries, living in the desired gender role can bring real relief to this condition created in one's development.

Join in the conversations, post a topic of your own in the appropriate sub forum.

I hope you find your time here useful.

Cynthia -

[Charlize]

Welcome To Laura's Randy. This finding of self can be an interesting struggle. I lived it much of the life i remember. I thought i must be gay as as a child that seemed to be the only alternative and yet i wasn't attracted to boys only girls. Mmm nothing fit. This site has been very helpful for me in finding some peace within myself. It has taken time but the effort has been worth it. I am grateful for the bits of information i gleaned from others here and the support i found as i shared my journey. I doubt i would have found the ability to find and live my path without that help.

Most of all enjoy the journey. It is as thrilling and rewarding as it is scary and at times painful. I guess giving birth to one's self is like that.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Mia]

Welcome Randy to Laura's playground and thanks for your intro

This is a good site to explore yourself. Don't feel like an alien, we all are probably the most human here you'll ever run into. Being trans gives one a unique view in to our humanity and a much larger view (IMHO).

Have you looked into seeing a therapist ? working through your feelings about gender with a professional can really help you sort things out. Highly recommended, most here would agree.

Most folks in the trans feminine space can relate to going through various phases of denial, I certainly did. There many aspects to this denial can lead to the most destructive of outcomes. GD is no fun at all, it's a living hell and it becomes a matter of how you deal with it, everyone is unique. Finding your own unique ways to express one's self can really help, such as clothes, mannerisms, voice, hormones, surgeries, living in the desired gender role can bring real relief to this condition created in one's development.

Join in the conversations, post a topic of your own in the appropriate sub forum.

I hope you find your time here useful.

Cynthia -

Since I have severe social anxiety and other issues, I currently still live with my dad, but my dad is helping me set up an appointment to talk to a therapist sometime within the next week so that should help. My dad is surprisingly supportive about all of this, if not confused, since I thought he had no problem with how he felt about what I'm going through, but he seems a little back and forth. Maybe he just doesn't know what to think. But yes, you're right, talking to a therapist is definitely going to help me. Anyway, despite my current living situation and the issues that I have though, this whole experience has made me wants to get out and do things more-so than ever before. I feel like if I identified as a woman that I could be more extroverted and I could "be myself" or who I think I truly am. This is despite my nervousness about doing anything in public if it comes to that point (although I don't want to rush into anything and I wanna take this one step at a time and figure it out) and I also have a fear that people in public would see my face as "too masculine" and I would be seen as "a guy in a dress". So as much as I keep fantasizing about identifying as a woman in public and that makes me happy, I still worry a lot about what I'm going to do in the future and what is going to happen to me.

I'm really glad that I can talk about these things here, because it helps me kind of piece together how I'm feeling in a way, but of course I can't wait to talk to a therapist about all of this, especially so I can try to figure this out. I don't know what's going to happen after that though, but I'm just going to ride this train and see where it takes me. Thanks so much for the reply and the advice!

Welcome To Laura's Randy. This finding of self can be an interesting struggle. I lived it much of the life i remember. I thought i must be gay as as a child that seemed to be the only alternative and yet i wasn't attracted to boys only girls. Mmm nothing fit. This site has been very helpful for me in finding some peace within myself. It has taken time but the effort has been worth it. I am grateful for the bits of information i gleaned from others here and the support i found as i shared my journey. I doubt i would have found the ability to find and live my path without that help.

Most of all enjoy the journey. It is as thrilling and rewarding as it is scary and at times painful. I guess giving birth to one's self is like that.

Hugs,

Charlize

That's true. I think I'm going to enjoy my time here. Things have been going pretty smoothly so far, just in this past week. Every friend and family member that I've told so far about how I've been feeling has been supportive, but I still fear for what I'm going to do and what might happen.

Thanks so much for the reply! *hugs*

[tracy_j]

Hi Randy

Hello and welcome

Just keep going steadily and be confident in who you are! You will be wearing that dress and getting admiring glances before you know it

Tracy x

[Mia]

Hi Randy

Hello and welcome

Just keep going steadily and be confident in who you are! You will be wearing that dress and getting admiring glances before you know it

Tracy x

Thank you! I'll try my best.

[Jani]

Hello Randy and welcome to Laura's! I hope you'll find this community to be helpful and respectful. I certainly do.

That said I would caution you to be careful about telling too many people at this early point. Some will hear your story and be accepting but may be expecting to see immediate changes. Since this is just the beginning of your journey and you're still investigating what it all means to you (this is important) you don't want to confuse them or lose future continued support if they lose interest. I've been selective about who and when I've told family and friends, and it's a fairly large group at this point for me. The vast majority have been accepting, even though they may not fully comprehend the issue.

Please join in by posting replies to ongoing conversations and starting your own. Have fun and enjoy yourself.

Cheers,

Jani

[Mia]

Hello Randy and welcome to Laura's! I hope you'll find this community to be helpful and respectful. I certainly do.

That said I would caution you to be careful about telling too many people at this early point. Some will hear your story and be accepting but may be expecting to see immediate changes. Since this is just the beginning of your journey and you're still investigating what it all means to you (this is important) you don't want to confuse them or lose future continued support if they lose interest. I've been selective about who and when I've told family and friends, and it's a fairly large group at this point for me. The vast majority have been accepting, even though they may not fully comprehend the issue.

Please join in by posting replies to ongoing conversations and starting your own. Have fun and enjoy yourself.

Cheers,

Jani

That is very good advice. You're right. I'll try to be more careful about it and take more time trying to figure this out. Thank you~

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Randy,

Welcome to Laura's! You're doing some good things already. Having contact with other understanding people like this is very good, I think even critical. We don't want to be alone in this, and we don't have to be anymore. I'm also a recovering addict, and something I have learned in my recovery program is to take it slow, one day at a time. I treat being trans the same way. We all have our own pace. Just because one person goes faster, or another person goes slower doesn't mean we have to. I believe it's best to take some time early on for self discovery before making any huge changes in our lives. Just deal with what you have to deal with today, and let tomorrow come when it comes. I'm glad you've found us and hope to hear from you more!?

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Mia]

Hi Randy,

Welcome to Laura's! You're doing some good things already. Having contact with other understanding people like this is very good, I think even critical. We don't want to be alone in this, and we don't have to be anymore. I'm also a recovering addict, and something I have learned in my recovery program is to take it slow, one day at a time. I treat being trans the same way. We all have our own pace. Just because one person goes faster, or another person goes slower doesn't mean we have to. I believe it's best to take some time early on for self discovery before making any huge changes in our lives. Just deal with what you have to deal with today, and let tomorrow come when it comes. I'm glad you've found us and hope to hear from you more!

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf

Thank you for the advice and reply! You're right. I'll just take this one day at a time. *hugs*