Need to Vent

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi all,

I am struggling again, too much PTSD, not enough money. Time to vent.

Like most of us I have PTSD from a hard life. I was born in Washington D.C. and grew up with a poor, uneducated family in the Maryland suburbs. I was subjected to violence, most of which I don't remember since it was blocked out of my memories, but what I do remember is kinda bad. When I was 9 years old, I remember being held down by a group of guys while they rubbed poison ivy over my face. When I was eleven my father tried to choke me to death one night, but he failed. I was attacked by a High School wrestler when I was twelve, and after I bloodied his face he choked me out. A friend was with me when I was thirteen and attacked by three guys, my friend was bloodied, but I counter attacked the three successfully and they ran with me chasing until they got away. Lots of attacks when I was fourteen and fifteen. Once four of us were attacked in the woods by 16 guys, one of my friends had a concussion from a 2 by 4 that broke over his head, but once again my counter attack while laughing maniacally seemed to have unnerved them and they ran. Another time I was attacked by three guys with stones, bricks, and bottles, I suffered some blood loss from the broken bottles cutting up my legs, but survived. Another guy attacked me with a folding knife, and cut my arm before I took it away from him and hurt him. Later a group of five guys attacked me behind the 7 Eleven, one had a 2 by 4 with two nails sticking out, another had a sharpened broomstick, and I didn't see the other weapons. I counter attacked, don't remember too much about it, but lots of blood left on the alley pavement by the time they fled. Another guy attacked with a steak knife once, but I took it away and chased him. Yet another guy attacked with a butcher knife, but I hurt him a lot before he fled. Two guys attacked me in a playground, one had a chain with the lock attached to it, and the other had a rope around a spare tire, they were both swinging their weapons at me. I timed their attacks, and hurt them bad. I quit school at that point, and the family relocated slightly farther from the Washington D.C. border. I returned to school at seventeen in 1976.

I went on the be the first member of my family to graduate from High School, and the first with a college degree. I went in the military in 1986 at 27 years old. I served honorably in the 29th Infantry division, and was in time promoted to sergeant E-5. In 1987 I became a Protective Force Officer for the Department of Energy after a ten month background investigation by the FBI. In 1998 I was recruited into the DOE Declassification Team since I had the degree and clearance needed for the position. They trained me on every aspect of nuclear weapons design, special material production, and naval nuclear propulsion. I don't like Nukes.

In 2003 I was deployed overseas as a member of the Iraq Survey Group to look for weapons of mass destruction, and other intelligence targets. If any of us had been caught in the war zone by enemies of the U.S. we would most likely have been executed as spies. In 2011 I left my secret career with the U.S. government after signing my non-disclosure documents.

So here I am in 2016 with no money, and a broken car. I took some time off to help a member of my religious congregation with stage four cancer, since she couldn't drive in her condition. I was in the off season, so as it worked out I only had to take one day of work off to take her to the hospital for radiation. California Employment Development Department has now decided that taking that day off (no earnings or pay!) constitutes an omission on my reporting, and therefore they are discontinuing my unemployment availability for the next three years as a penalty.

I am clergy, I cannot lie or cheat, or steal, it is not in my nature. I held both a "Q" clearance (DOE) and TS/SCI clearance (DOD) and I am a veteran. I feel like I am being punished for all my efforts to do the "right thing". I feel tired of living, I gave so much to my country, and I don't feel appreciated anymore.

I gave up once, it was shortly before starting transition and six months before meeting Alex. Sometime around June 2014, I researched, planned and executed my suicide. I woke up a bit more than three days later still alive miraculously. No one found me during that time, so I don't have it on my record. When the unemployment people hit me with this latest, I immediately had thoughts of suicide again. I still have pride in what I did for the nation, but I don't feel appreciated. Only Alex gives me enough reason to stay in this world. Sorry about the long vent.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Rowan]

First of all, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your many years of service and sacrifice for this country. You are a true hero.

I'm so sorry for all of the BS you are going through. All that I can tell you is that it's bound to get better. In my experience, the good and the bad come in ebbs and flows. I've been on the bottom, and just when you think you can't take any more, somebody or something else kicks you while you are down. But eventually it passes, and things start to get better. Hang in there. You are stronger than you think.

[Cyndee]

Hi Stephanie, I've read the post and couple of things stand out, here. First you served our country and the "Federal Government", that's awesome, however don't expect any respect from the state of California unemployment office, and try not to take their decisions personally, 2 completely separate government entities.

The state of CA is in dire financial straights mostly, CA is a state that is deep in public debt, CA is a state that has every vested interest to NOT pay out benefits. There may be an appeals process in their decision, but certainly don't count on anything. What a frustrating ordeal to say the least.

So what can you do ? Well suicide won't solve anything, I think you know that already, so it comes time to formulate an action plan to get work, you no doubt have skills and long employment history that can be marketed. Time to hit the bricks (so they say), you have your identification updated now since your transformation, remember veteran status gives you certain advantages when seeking work, and glad to hear you have a partner you can rely on for support, you'll need it.

Take good care, there is work out there, and you have us here to get replies from

Hugs

Cyndi -

[bobbisue]

Stephanie sorry about how you are being treated by your country after serving in so many ways and i hope things take a turn for the better for you soon also no need to apoligise for your long vent reading your story makes me realize that when things look so dark in my life I am not alone and my lot in life is not as bad as it seems and my struggles are not so overwhelming so I thank you for your post and wish you all the best

bobbisue

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Thanks for the quick replies, I am better now that I have vented. I am indeed quite tough, and resilient. It is now the start of my work season, and I am scheduled for a number of tours already for this month, starting with the 6th. So yeah, I am going to send an appeal. I just hate getting kicked while I am down. I also am trying to help working on my car, but we can't afford parts yet. So I needed to vent in order to feel better. Thanks to all of you. I just need to be patient, the money will be there eventually.

hugs,

Stephanie

[StephanieVikingGirl]

I am definitely feeling much better, I am eating a nice steak dinner, yay! Alex, and all of my many friends keep me from staying depressed for long. My vent here helped too. I don't remember everything about 2014, but this weekend marks a special date on my calendar. I started HRT on July 4th, 2014. Alex and I are going to a friend's house in Napa for the weekend. Lots of wine, and other stuff (completely legal of course).

hugs,

Stephanie

[Jani]

Stephanie, as been said, there is never a need to apologize on this site. Certainly you have heard and responded to your share of rants in the past and as you know it can be cathartic to write and read the comments. I could not get through your first paragraph as it was too hard for me, but I can say you are one strong woman. Alway remember this, always! When I was in Navy boot camp many moons ago one of my friends Dad sent me a letter and signed off with Illegitimi non carborundum, which he said was "Don't let the illegitimate children wear you down". This is true now as well. You are stronger than them all. That's been proven!

Remember that the tough times don't last, but the tough people do. Enjoy your dinner, your friends, and Alex. These are the important aspects of your life.

Hugsx2,

Jani

[Charlize]

I'm sorry you have to share such a difficult time but i'm glad you did. I've found that sharing with others helps me. it may not change my circumstances but it somehow helps to accept what's happening. It sounds like that has worked for you as well.

We are here for each other.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Briana]

Hey Stephanie, I sure do feel for you but I'm glad you're feeling much better. As a newer resident of California, this state sure leaves me scratching my head & powdering my nose. "Jacked up" doesn't even BEGIN to describe it. And that particular agency sure is that and then some. We're supposed to be a "liberal" state but we have more rules and restrictions and laws that anyplace I've ever been. We collect billions in fees and taxes, but we're so broke I don't know how the state continues to function. Like Cyndi says, it's not personal - staffers are pushed and driven to deny claims, reduce payment etc. due to budget shortfalls. They've become very good at finding any little "I got ya" to use against you. Doesn't make that pill any less bitter though.

You're a tuff 'lil GI Jane - you hang in there and come out stomping those heels and swingin that purse. ...Although don't stomp too hard. You might break a heel. I hate when that happens. Especially to a favorite pair.

(p.s. On a general note, I sure don't like how veterans are treated. I don't get it...I don't understand it...I can't sometimes comprehend it.)