Is It Time To Come Out To Family And Friends

[Carolyn Marie]

By way of background, I'm in my mid-50's and my first time cross dressing was in my teens. For a time while single and living alone, I bought a fair sized woman's wardrobe sans wig and wore things around the house, but never went out in public as Carolyn. Then I met my future wife and sent all my pretty things to the Goodwill. I never told her and now have a teenage son. For the past 18 years my feelings have been pretty much in check, but recently and for reasons I don't understand the old compulsion has returned big time. I recently bought and wear publicly low-heeled women's ankle boots, and find I want to do much much more. I want, finally, to express myself as Carolyn Marie.

I don't want to risk driving away my family. My wife is very Catholic and not sophisticated, and speaks poorly of transgendered people when we see them on TV or in public. I don't think she will understand, and of course my son is at an age when he definitely would not understand.

So, my dilemma is this: I'm so tired of keeping this a secret - I have never told a soul in the world. I want to come out to my brother and best friend, who I think might understand and be supportive, at least as a start. But its hard to find the courage and to know how to approach them. So, whatever you all can provide in guidance with your experiences, would be so very much appreciated. I do not want to die some day never having experienced the joy of being Carolyn, and having my family and friends know and understand me. Thanks

Love,

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Ashlee]

Carolyn Marie,

I've been thinking of that very same thing lately. I would like to tell my brother too, because as kids, we both were into dressing up. After he left home, I don't know if he continued or quit or ???

The way I see doing this is not by just showing up at his place in a skirt. I'm thinking maybe someday when he is over at my place, and no one else is there, maybe just sit down and in a joking way mention what we used to do as kids. Then, see where the discussion goes from there.

If your brother or best friend have no past like my brother has, then I think I would just sit down with them, a cold beer, and maybe bring up a movie you recently saw that had a crossdresser in it, (tootsie comes to mind, but there are others) and see how they react to it. If no big deal, then ask them how they would think if you were like that. The rest will just come.

Best of luck and {HUGS}

Ashlee

[Carolyn Marie]

Carolyn Marie,

I've been thinking of that very same thing lately. I would like to tell my brother too, because as kids, we both were into dressing up. After he left home, I don't know if he continued or quit or ???

The way I see doing this is not by just showing up at his place in a skirt. I'm thinking maybe someday when he is over at my place, and no one else is there, maybe just sit down and in a joking way mention what we used to do as kids. Then, see where the discussion goes from there.

If your brother or best friend have no past like my brother has, then I think I would just sit down with them, a cold beer, and maybe bring up a movie you recently saw that had a crossdresser in it, (tootsie comes to mind, but there are others) and see how they react to it. If no big deal, then ask them how they would think if you were like that. The rest will just come.

Best of luck and {HUGS}

Ashlee

Thanks so much Ashlee. My brother lives on the east coast and we don't see each other but once every 2-3 years, but I've thought about having a long phone chat with him. My best friend is a lot more accessible. You're approach sounds good. The way I've imagined it, I'll know within the first 5 minutes whether it was a good idea or not. One thing I'm not looking forward too though is that my brother is the world's biggest know-it-all and I;m sure I'll be in for a lecture about what he recently read in some magazine on the subject. LOL It may not change much, but knowing that someone else I care about knows will be good enough for now.

If its OK with you, could I PM you sometime soon to hear more about your experiences?

Carolyn

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear Dear Carolyn,

Your situation is very much like mine. My ex-wife is a Catholic, and we raised our children as Catholic. I say ex, because obviously we are divorced. I hate to tell you this, but I crossdressed all the way back into my teens. I tried to hide it, and even convinced myself that I am not a woman for years. Well that lasted OK until I was 43, then... explosion!! My true self burst her way out and there was no stopping her. Like a chick pecking through an eggshell to be hatched, my true self pecked right through my male shell and was born! Well, that cost me my marriage. I don't know what to say to you other than try to feel you way slowly and hope that your wife is understanding. Since my divorce, I have come out to my ex and my children and they are now supportive. Timing is everything. In retrospect, I think I should have come out to my wife when we were still married instead of just becoming more and more feminine until she wanted "a real man" in her life. I do suggest that your coming out should first be to your wife, and later when the time is right, to your child (could be years later). But you cannot deny or suppress who you are. You can try, but you won't win, she will!

I know this is tough for you... Believe me I really do know!!

Our journey is full of really tough decisions. Just feel your way is all that I can say.

LOL

bernii

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Carolyn

I am trans, not truly a cross-dresser, but I did cross-dress like you - for 50 plus years, actually. I was very secretive and it is a killer to live like that. So let me throw out some ideas - which are not really recommendations, just things to consider.

(1) Your condition is a real thing - you are okay and its nothing to be upset about, a therapist - a good one - well tell you to just be yourself and accept your cross-dressing. That in itself is 90% of the problem, self acceptance.

(2) You will never really quit. It is impossible. So you will purge and rebuy, purge and rebuy. Its pretty much documented that cross-dressers are gender dysphoric, and although not transsexual, are governed by the same compulsions. The need to cross-dress is built into you, its not your fault, its nothing to be ashamed about. It just is...

(3) Cross-dressing is NOT well accepted by society. this is an obvious thing to say, but it is easy to forget. You will probably never get anyone to understand you, only possibly to love you and support you, but never really understand. Unfortunately, most of society will dislike you for something that is not really your fault. Cross-dressing is not a lifestyle choice, it is a condition

(4) The condition of cross-dressing is fairly well understood, but the causes are not. Basically it seems to be the need (using male crossdressing in female attire) to express a feminine side of a person's personality and mental make-up. It differs from transsexuality - I dress to be female, not to be feminine, for example.

(5) You can out to others, but expect mixed results. To out is a personal decision - is it better to hide and feel guilty, or is it better to confess and feel freedom? Well, confessing, and being supported does not necessarily lead to being able to dress as you wish. An accepting wife or friend will most likely say, do it on your own time, I don't want to know. It seems best to confide in someone but never dress in front of that person. There are exceptons of course.

(6) Hope for acceptance, plan for rejection, it's a mixed bag.

But most of all - know that you are okay. It's a big world out there - MANY people cross-dress. We all sometimes need to be what we are - and its our right to express ourselves in ways that do not hurt anyone.

Hope this helps

Lizzy

[Sally]

The sad truth is that coming out leads to mixed results at best, I am also divorced as a result of being transsexual.

But the hard thing to comprehend - cross dressing is sometimes less excepted than actually being a transsexual.

They can better understand needing to 'be' a woman easier than needing to dress like one.

The trend is reversed for FTMs dressing is completely acceptable transitioning is not.

There is no gaurantee, so come out at your own risk.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Ashlee]

Thanks so much Ashlee. My brother lives on the east coast and we don't see each other but once every 2-3 years, but I've thought about having a long phone chat with him. My best friend is a lot more accessible. You're approach sounds good. The way I've imagined it, I'll know within the first 5 minutes whether it was a good idea or not. One thing I'm not looking forward too though is that my brother is the world's biggest know-it-all and I;m sure I'll be in for a lecture about what he recently read in some magazine on the subject. LOL It may not change much, but knowing that someone else I care about knows will be good enough for now.

If its OK with you, could I PM you sometime soon to hear more about your experiences?

Carolyn

Your very welcome Carolyn, and yes, please PM me with your questions, I would love to help you, and maybe we will both benefit from this:)

The part about your brother being a know-it-all, I know all about that too, my other brother is like that too. I usually just listen, nod my head a few times, and act like I'm paying attention to him

The nice thing about that approach allows you to get an idea how they feel about it. If they react very negatively, then just laugh it off and move onto another subject.

[Carolyn Marie]

Thank you all for your sage and welcome advice. I think I will slow down and try to take this one small step at a time. The fact that my Carolyn-self has reawakened after such a long absence has kind of dominated my thinking lately and I need to think things through before acting on it.

I'm sure this analogy has occurred to many of us: remember the 80's TV show Quantum Leap? Scott Bakula's character would look in the mirror and see the "shell" of the person whose body he was inhabiting, and when looking inward saw himself as he was. I think many of us do the opposite - look in the mirror and see the person others see, and when looking inward see the person we want to be, or as we want others to see us.

Thanks again.

Carolyn Marie