Scared and need advice.

[Mia]

Or I should say that I've been scared. So I currently have an opportunity to try "living as Mia" soon. As I think I mentioned before, due to some personal issues that I have, I live with my dad and I'm financially dependent on him (I'm 24). Anyway, he doesn't want me to live as a girl while I'm with him. My mom however, offered to buy me a ticket to visit her in California and said that I can live as Mia while I'm with her. I'm going to be there for a week, and if it goes well I can visit her again for longer next time. I want to decide if I want to move in with her and live as a girl (and start a new life from there) or if I'm more comfortable living "as a guy" "as usual" while I'm with my dad (I still have doubts about this gender thing at times). I don't want to rush into anything and I obviously wanna take my time in making a decision like this. Anyway, so I'm at a point (even though I've only been going through this gender thing for like two months, so I don't wanna push myself too hard) where the things I haven't done are no longer "private" (other than make-up but my mom said she'd help me with that when I visit) and I want to try to take a step into the real world with this. I feel scared when I really think about it. I mean, I'm gonna start by just dressing up and trying make-up around my mom's house first but I want to take a step outside at some point and maybe go somewhere too. Not alone though. At least not yet. I'm scared of how I'll look and whether or not I'll pass. I'm scared of getting clocked. And I'm scared that I won't have a female voice I can use, because if my appearance doesn't give me away, my voice might, although I dunno how I'll look yet. Do you have any advice? Is everyone this scared before they first try this? How long did it take you to get used to it? 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Mia,

 

The only suggestion that I can give is that you may want to find a transgender support group, or a cross dresser / transgender social group to try going out at first. You can make friends there who could help you, and when you're ready, even go out with you on your first venture in public. And yes, it's very normal to be scared the first time, even going to a trans group. But it doesn't take long to start feeling comfortable. At least it didn't for me. Have fun, and enjoy being Mia!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Mia]

19 minutes ago, Timber Wolf said:

Hi Mia,

 

The only suggestion that I can give is that you may want to find a transgender support group, or a cross dresser / transgender social group to try going out at first. You can make friends there who could help you, and when you're ready, even go out with you on your first venture in public. And yes, it's very normal to be scared the first time, even going to a trans group. But it doesn't take long to start feeling comfortable. At least it didn't for me. Have fun, and enjoy being Mia!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

Thank you so much for the response, Timberwolf! Those are good ideas. I have gone to support groups and meetups and such, which have helped. I didn't know there were social groups for this... somehow.

Due to the circumstances though, it would be hard for me to do that, living with my dad. My dad is fine with me seeing therapists and such and he is helping me and supporting me to an extent, but it would be hard to crossdress in public at all without him knowing, since he gives me rides to places... since I can't drive. Anyway, maybe I could find one when I visit my mom but it would probably be easier for me to just bite the bullet and try it without a support group, given my situation. 

I'm relieved to hear that you were scared the first time too, since part of me has felt like all trans people are just able to naturally do these things without any fear, as silly as that sounds. I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel sometimes.

[Charlize]

Mia i can't speak for others but i was terrified when i first went out the door.  i had dressed in hiding for years often for only a few stolen moments to see how i'd look.  My first trip was to a gay bar.  I was already an alcoholic although i couldn't recognize that at the time.  I got out of the car and found my way on heels that were way too high.  Anyway it got easier with time but i still hid away for the most part for years.  only venturing out occasionally to try and see if i could live a bit as myself.  Fear ruled but the need also grew.  I was also worried about how i'd be accepted by my family and world.  It seemed impossible but amazingly it all happened as i finally let go and said yes.  

There is certainly no rush.  

Let us know how it goes.  You are not alone.  i know that helped me.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Mia]

9 minutes ago, Charlize said:

Mia i can't speak for others but i was terrified when i first went out the door.  i had dressed in hiding for years often for only a few stolen moments to see how i'd look.  My first trip was to a gay bar.  I was already an alcoholic although i couldn't recognize that at the time.  I got out of the car and found my way on heels that were way too high.  Anyway it got easier with time but i still hid away for the most part for years.  only venturing out occasionally to try and see if i could live a bit as myself.  Fear ruled but the need also grew.  I was also worried about how i'd be accepted by my family and world.  It seemed impossible but amazingly it all happened as i finally let go and said yes.  

There is certainly no rush.  

Let us know how it goes.  You are not alone.  i know that helped me.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Thank you for the advice as usual, Charlize.  You're right. There's no rush. I'm not trying to speed-run life. I'm just going with the flow, and the flow is pushing me in this direction, even if so soon in my "journey". If I don't explore this, I get depressed, confused, doubtful, or suicidal. I know how crossdressing makes me feel (it's wonderful, but there's still something missing and I'm not satisfied. And I can only crossdress at night in private, currently...), but I need to know what it's like in front of other people after getting comfortable being seen that way (which I'll be sure to take my time with). When I do start to get out there, I'll be sure to post an update on how I feel about it.  Again, hearing another person's experience with this makes me feel better. Thank you.

[Charlize]

I remember the feeling you describe of not being satisfied in crossdressing.  I often thought it was because i was missing the social aspects of being myself.  It has been over 4 years since i went full time.  I still enjoy shopping or other interactions with others as i never did before.  Just being myself with others has felt so liberating.  Regardless of your path self discovery is worth the discomfort.  Saying that i do sometimes wonder how it would feel to be a straight cis gendered person.  I'm sure we all have our fears and feelings of shame regardless of gender or orientation.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Mia]

1 hour ago, Charlize said:

I remember the feeling you describe of not being satisfied in crossdressing.  I often thought it was because i was missing the social aspects of being myself.  It has been over 4 years since i went full time.  I still enjoy shopping or other interactions with others as i never did before.  Just being myself with others has felt so liberating.  Regardless of your path self discovery is worth the discomfort.  Saying that i do sometimes wonder how it would feel to be a straight cis gendered person.  I'm sure we all have our fears and feelings of shame regardless of gender or orientation.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

I see. Yeah, I'll try my best to fight through the discomfort and figure this out. Thank you.

[Michelle 2010]

Hi Mia. I live in Florida, too.   There are towns and cities where it it is quite safe to be yourself and some inland redneck areas where it might be dangerous.  Metro areas with Arts scenes, live theater and such will be safe because the people who frequent such venues are culturally liberal or at least mind their own business.  Gay clubs would be safe even if you are not gay.  St Pete, Ft. Lauderdale, Orlando are all nice.  At some point you just have to walk down the street, hopefully with a friend.... Stay away from dark alleys, clusters of high school kids, malls, public transit, etc.  some folks can be cruel, especially when in groups.  Adults usually mind their own business even if they look...  A support group was essential for my confidence both before and after coming out.  We would go to lunch together at a couple favorite restaurants and be treated with respect, just like the other diners.

 

i think your bigger issues are of a different nature.  Being totally dependent on Dad for rides and financial support is an issue unless you have medical needs thatt require it.  It's much easier to be ones self when self supporting.  If continuing education is a component, fine because that,means you will become self sufficient.  btw, Dad  doesn't sound like a bad guy, just nervous about something he doesn't understand.  

Good luck!

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

10 minutes ago, Michelle 2010 said:

Metro areas with Arts scenes, live theater and such will be safe because the people who frequent such venues are culturally liberal or at least mind their own business.  Gay clubs would be safe even if you are not gay.  St Pete, Ft. Lauderdale, Orlando are all nice. 

 

These are all good suggestions.  When I lived in Orlando, I did volunteer office work for two arts organizations over the course of several years, and my wife and I were regulars at several gay bars.  I never had a single bad experience, was always treated with respect and made some great friends.

[Mia]

1 hour ago, Michelle 2010 said:

Hi Mia. I live in Florida, too.   There are towns and cities where it it is quite safe to be yourself and some inland redneck areas where it might be dangerous.  Metro areas with Arts scenes, live theater and such will be safe because the people who frequent such venues are culturally liberal or at least mind their own business.  Gay clubs would be safe even if you are not gay.  St Pete, Ft. Lauderdale, Orlando are all nice.  At some point you just have to walk down the street, hopefully with a friend.... Stay away from dark alleys, clusters of high school kids, malls, public transit, etc.  some folks can be cruel, especially when in groups.  Adults usually mind their own business even if they look...  A support group was essential for my confidence both before and after coming out.  We would go to lunch together at a couple favorite restaurants and be treated with respect, just like the other diners.

 

i think your bigger issues are of a different nature.  Being totally dependent on Dad for rides and financial support is an issue unless you have medical needs thatt require it.  It's much easier to be ones self when self supporting.  If continuing education is a component, fine because that,means you will become self sufficient.  btw, Dad  doesn't sound like a bad guy, just nervous about something he doesn't understand.  

Good luck!

 

1 hour ago, Kenna Dixon said:

These are all good suggestions.  When I lived in Orlando, I did volunteer office work for two arts organizations over the course of several years, and my wife and I were regulars at several gay bars.  I never had a single bad experience, was always treated with respect and made some great friends.

Thanks for the suggestions.  And yeah, I love my dad and you're right Michelle, he's not a bad guy. He just doesn't understand what I'm going through. 

[Mayo]

Go to CA for a week. Get used to dressing indoors at your mother's place and being yourself around her and see how you feel about it. If it feels good and comfortable and natural, maybe try going for a walk around the block with her in the evening. Baby steps.

[Mia]

37 minutes ago, Mayo said:

Go to CA for a week. Get used to dressing indoors at your mother's place and being yourself around her and see how you feel about it. If it feels good and comfortable and natural, maybe try going for a walk around the block with her in the evening. Baby steps.

That's a good idea! I'll try that. I'm gonna be able to visit her at the end of September. Anyway, thanks for the suggestion, Mayo.

[Guest AshleighP]

On August 22, 2016 at 8:28 AM, Charlize said:

I remember the feeling you describe of not being satisfied in crossdressing.  I often thought it was because i was missing the social aspects of being myself.  It has been over 4 years since i went full time.  I still enjoy shopping or other interactions with others as i never did before.  Just being myself with others has felt so liberating.  Regardless of your path self discovery is worth the discomfort.  Saying that i do sometimes wonder how it would feel to be a straight cis gendered person.  I'm sure we all have our fears and feelings of shame regardless of gender or orientation.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Such sage advice and wisdom. Thanks for sharing. " self discovery is worth the discomfort" Love that! 

[Furiant]

I know this is late, but I wanted to chime in. Remember that your father is human. You rightly want him to understand you, to see things from your perspective. So meet him halfway. Try to understand what he feels, to see this from his perspective. Support him supporting you. You've crossed a major threshold by coming out, but you know that the world doesn't turn on a dime. Talk with him and be patient. Help him understand what it feels like to dress/present in a way that is uncomfortable for you. Maybe you could endure a little more of that if he needs you to, but you have your own limits too.

I wish you and your family the best. Please try to remember that a transition is a journey your whole family must make, and the pace must be such that everyone can stay together.

[Guest]

On 8/21/2016 at 8:01 PM, Charlize said:

Mia i can't speak for others but i was terrified when i first went out the door.  

Every step of the way for me, I've been petrified that someone would notice and/or say something to me. While it seems obvious to many, they said nothing. I know this because I recently 'came out' to most of my family and they admitted they knew something was up and saw some things and made some assumptions.

Being on a time table makes baby-steps more difficult, but that's really the only way to proceed in my opinion.

*HUGS*

Fiona