Small steps lead to big ones

[SugarMagnolia]

2 hours ago, NewLife336 said:

Julie,

 

Reading through your multiple updates it definitely hits me with emotions that I can progress with my transition too, and be successful and accepted. My family having such a difficult time with it and not speaking to me for only these past few months had me initially thinking that I couldn't do it, that I should quit. Then after talking with my gender therapist and some of my close friends, I decided why am I going to forego my happiness because they are not accepting? So...I decided to move forward.

 

Now, my work knows, friends know..I haven't made my transition yet - I have only been in public twice, because I stress so hard about my dysphoria and appearance. I know in due time I will be able to walk out and be myself, but I wish that day would come and go and all of this would merely be something I can look back on. But, as I have read from previous postings from so many of you ladies, it takes time and I don't need to rush it.

 

I am so happy for you!

 

Kylie

You have no idea how happy it makes me to read that, Kylie! You're absolutely right about making your happiness a priority.

I know its hard to believe, but almost all of the fears and anxieties that we have with respect to being out in public are unfounded. Start with small things and build. You look quite lovely in your profile pic, so I bet it will be easier than you think. The hard part is mostly in our heads.

I remember at the beginning being so concerned about wearing even one item that transgressed gender boundaries. I was positive that everyone would notice and point it out laughingly. The reality is that most people don't notice or don't care. If you focus on your happiness and not what other people are thinking, you can't go wrong!

Hugs,
Julie

[jae bear]

@NewLife336 I completely agree with Jani on this one, I felt exactly the same way... I thought everyone would notice me immediately, that every person I passed was staring at me with disapproval.  I realized quite sometime ago that just is not true, nobody really pays attention anyway. Those that do pay attention simply don’t trust their own opinion, so either they are just polite and keep to themselves or they go over the top making sure their pronouns are perfect. Either way it resulted in me being completely comfortable in public  presenting female, It made going full-time very easy for me. I was out with my best friend last night, we stopped at a steakhouse because we were both craving some iron and had not had a steak in months.  Since it was Halloween last night the place was kind of empty, which was perfect for us but it was surprisingly loud in there. Our server was the same girl that seated us, and while I was not in my best form I can say with certainty that I passed 100% with anyone who saw me or talked to me... I’ve gotten a bit of a sense of it these days, I think my biggest problem early on was I was the one outing myself, I don’t do that anymore!  When it came time to pay the bill I whipped out my credit card and told my friend ( within ear shot of our waitress )  “i’m gonna let my boss paid for this one, he won’t mind “...  sure enough the waitress took that boys card and charged him for dinner without even thinking anything out of the ordinary. I guess it’s good she didn’t card me when we ordered a bottle of wine for the table ?

 Hugs, 

Jackie

 

[Jani]

3 hours ago, jae bear said:

“i’m gonna let my boss paid for this one, he won’t mind “...  sure enough the waitress took that boys card and charged him for dinner without even thinking anything out of the ordinary. I guess it’s good she didn’t card me when we ordered a bottle of wine for the table ?

Jackie, you are sooooo bad!   Good trick, until you get your card updated! 

 

Jani

[Kylie]

Totally! I went to the local Pride festival recently, it was my first time in public in Girl Mode, not one person really looked at me - granted it was pride! Everyday I try more and more to push myself to go in public as me, I just haven't gotten there. I am hoping one day very soon! I am excited that my job is having my Gender Therapist come in and do education on the Trans community and issues with the LGBTQ in general and how we can better serve them ( I work in a Medical ICU at a very LARGE hospital in a LARGE city, over 1,000 beds). I am so happy my unit has been so supportive even though I have not come to work in girl mode yet, even being gendered and called my new name before I have even asked anyone to do so. Today marks 13 weeks on hormones...so I am just beginning and have a long journey ahead!

[SugarMagnolia]

Tomorrow (Thursday) will be an interesting milestone for me in a few ways. I'll be flying as Julie for the first time and I'll be seeing my mom as Julie for the first time. I'm not particularly nervous about either of those milestones, but am curious to see how it all plays out.

Unfortunately, I am not quite ready to change my gender marker and name legally, though that will happen soon, so though I'll be presenting as a slightly femme androgynous traveler and all of my tickets and ID will be in my old name and gender. Not ideal, but politeness and pleasantness shall see me through, I hope! I wish I could bring something to help the TSA agents, but my understanding is that they're not allowed to accept any gifts. Wonder if I could say I found the grocery gift cards on the floor?

As for the visit with my mom, I'm really looking forward to it. I've been out to her for a while and we chat frequently on the phone, but this will be our first in person experience with me presenting as female. We've discussed it and we're going to try "Julie" and female pronouns, but I'm anticipating a few inevitable hiccups along the way. My mom's 100% supportive, but it takes time and practice to get used to anything new, particularly after 51 years of doing it one way.

So, wish me luck tomorrow! I did some self-care in preparation: full leg wax and a fresh new haircut, so I'm feeling ready!

~Julie

 

[Charlize]

Enjoy the journey regardless of the TSA.  It is hard to accept odd stares and or comments but when i was going through that period of transition i found each incident was survivable and somehow gave me a kind of thick skin.

Don't forget your mom is waiting.  It sound like that may well be a wonderful visit!

 

Hugs

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Safe travels Julie!  

 

Hugs, Jani

[Leo]

Have a great trip!  Bet your mom is as excited as you are!

[SaraAW]

Have a wonderful trip. 

[Cyndee]

Have a safe and enjoyable trip seeing your mom Julie

 

C -

[SugarMagnolia]

Update: TSA was a breeze. Super short line and absolutely no issues, just smiles! I thanked them for working, of course.

 

So far the airport itself is fine. I'm sure that's just because I look sassy and fabulous ?

 

I was pleased to see a clearly marked gender neutral bathroom nearby, too. Of course, I am still in California, so I'm not too surprised. 

 

So far, so good! And thanks for all the well wishes ?

 

Julie

 

 

[SugarMagnolia]

So, I've been home for a few days now and as I look back on the trip from California to Maine, and on the visit with my mom, I'm just filled with happiness. ?

The mechanics of the trip were fine. No issues in the airports, at security, on the planes...it was all just...normal. And I think I've started to hit that point where it's all become more "normal" for me. That's not to say I don't have anxiety, but my expectations have been re-calibrated to anticipate that I'll be treated decently, not centered on my worst fears. That feels like victory of a sort and huge progress.

More importantly, the visit with my mom and my step-dad was lovely. My mom was recovering from double knee replacement (it went well and she's doing great), and so we got to spend all four days mostly just talking. And we had a lot to cover since the last time I saw her was a year and a half ago when I came out to her.

Obviously, we've talked many times since then, but she'd not seen me with a femme presentation and this was also our trial run for using my new name and pronouns. The name and pronouns are a work in progress, but they really tried hard. It just takes some practice. And I think it was important for them to see me just being myself, being happy and looking good. I think there was a little relief that I didn't stick out so much as to make myself an obvious target for haters...sort of a sense that things will be OK for me.

My mom even introduced me as her daughter, Julie, to someone that didn't know about me in any way. I think it was a bit of an experiment to see how people react. And there really wasn't any reaction, just the normal greeting and small talk that there is meeting anyone new. It did feel wonderful to hear the words "my daughter", though. Magical somehow. ❤️

This is a long post, but we all have so many stories of family or friends not accepting us, that I feel it's important to also call out that it can also go smoothly and lovingly. I'm quite fortunate and am very thankful to have supportive family, and I wish that for everyone. 

Hugs,
Julie

[DeeDee]

❤️ Great post and a lovely photo too!

[Charlize]

Great picture with smiles telling a positive story.  Mom and daughter certainly look the same.  Even your glasses are similar.

Glad the TSA was not an issue.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Just now, Charlize said:

Mom and daughter certainly look the same.

Yes that was the first thing I noticed.  Apples don't fall far from the tree. 

 

Sorry I missed meeting up with you but I'm happy you enjoyed yourself and travel was uneventful.

 

Jani

[Cyndee]

Very nice to read your post Julie, that's really special having your Mom's support

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee -

[SugarMagnolia]

Just now, Jani said:

 

Sorry I missed meeting up with you but I'm happy you enjoyed yourself and travel was uneventful.

I was too, Jani! But once I got there I realized that I wanted to spend all the time I could with my mom. I thought she would be sleeping more because of pain meds, but nope! She was awake and raring to go ?

 

[Jani]

Great!  That's why you were there. 

[SugarMagnolia]

Just a quick update to capture another small milestone...

I'm a little over 2 years into HRT and a little over 6 months into full time social transition. In general, I don't get too caught up in the idea of passing. I have influence, but no real control of others perceptions of me, so while I don't love being mis-gendered I make an effort to not take it personally.

With my voice, facial features and hair challenges I understand that while some people may see me as feminine, others won't. If it's intentional, habitual or egregious, I correct people, but if it's just day to day strangers getting it wrong I tend to let that pass so long as they're pleasant.

However, I've hit a little bit of a milestone now in that I'm getting gendered correctly noticeably more often than I used to. What's interesting is that I can't pin it down to one specific thing. I think it's a combination of a more feminine hair style, being more comfortable in public, and a better wardrobe. And I'll echo something I remember reading here a long time ago: it seems to happen when I'm not paying attention and not expecting it, and it happens just as often when I'm in no makeup/running errands mode as when I'm made up for work. Go figure!

One thing that's definitely true, is that it hasn't gotten old. Hearing "Can I help you ladies?" or "Are you done with that plate, ma'am?", continues to summon up a certain frisson of euphoria. I hope that in time it will feel second nature, but for now those moments are bright spots in my days and are more than enough to see me through.

Have faith!

[Jani]

Wonderful update Julie! Yes it does sneak up on you and all of a sudden you seem to "pass" regularly.  I believe going with the flow and being calm about it is a good position to hold.  

 

Cheers, Jani

[SugarMagnolia]

Thanks, Jani. To be fair, I think I'm passing irregularly. ?

 

But that's a lot of progress from where I was. Maybe I'll adopt the motto: Keep calm and trans on!

[Kirsten]

Haha I like it Julie!! I’m happy you are finding some success as well! It really can be daunting at times.  Lol I’m still laughing. ?

[SugarMagnolia]

?

 

I'm glad you're laughing, Kirsten. Honestly, that's pretty much how I do it. I can do without a LOT, but I cannot do without laughter!

[Kylie]

Yay! I also have more recently been gendered as ma’am even when I’m in no make-up errand mode as well! ?

[Jani]

Kylie looking at your avatar there is no reason you wouldn't pass regularly! ?