What Do You Think I Am???

[Guest Ashlee]

Loaded question, I know...

I've been here at Lauras for 4 months now. I've spent lots of time reading the posts, and the information on the main web pages.

I thought I was just a crossdresser. Thats what came out of my therapy sessions. Thats what I told my wife.

As these 4 months have past, I have begun to think somewhat differently.

I've known since a very young age, around 5 or 6 that I enjoyed crossdressing. It evolved into a desire to be completly female.

There were times of giving it all up, at times for over 2 years. But I would somehow get a chance to dress up and it would all come back again.

Now, at this point in my life, mid 40's, happily married, 2 great kids, wonderful home, great job, I feel that life has treated me very well.

But these past 4 months have made me really realize that I am *probably* a transexual and I am only choosing to limit it to crossdressing.

Looking back, I would loved to have been able, (pre-marriage, kids, etc.,) to "go all the way" and live my life as a woman. I know I had those feelings, yet never told or acted, or even researched them. The internet at that time was non-existant. I don't even know if the library would have had any books on the subject, and if they did, I would have been terrified to even look at them, let alone check them out.

So, do I now want to "go all the way", my answer is definitly no. It would mean loosing everything that I have now and I'm just not willing to do that.

So, what would you call me? Really, let me know what you think. I want your opinions because those opinions would really mean alot to me.

Thank you all

Ashlee

[Guest Donna Jean]

What would I call you?

I'd call you a sweetheart who is just as confused and scared about their feelings as most of us here...

People make sacrifices for various reasons....A soldier may throw himself on a grenade to save his buddies.....Parents do it for their kids all of the time...deny themselves so the children have a better chance in life....

So, do I now want to "go all the way", my answer is definitly no. It would mean loosing everything that I have now and I'm just not willing to do that.

Seemingly you are willing to sacrifice your womanhood for the security of what you now have...and your marriage, kids, job.....

Nothing wrong there, Ashlee.... We all have to decide where we will go and what we will do to take care of our desires....

I have always been terrified of dying as a man.....I now will be buried as a woman...

Some people can somehow handle this their entire life and die never having told a soul and never acting on it...

You will do what you must do, Honey....only you can make that decision....If you remain as is, then I hope that you will be able to handle it....

If someday you can bear it no longer, then you will be at that place for a decision...

I do wish you luck, Sweetie....this is not easy stuff...

I truly hope that you can live in peace with yourself....whatever you need to do...

All my love...

Donna Jean

[Guest Ashlee]

Oh, Donna Jean,

THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for those kind words.

I think I just need that kind of assurance that what I'm doing, and how I'm doing it, is OK.

Its not easy, I know. And I really don't know right now if I will be completly at peace with myself, I sure hope I have the willpower to do so.

Thank you again,

Its the love I feel from people like you that makes me really feel good

Ashlee

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear Ashlee,

What would I call you? Well... you! You and I are in very similar stages along the spectrum of being transgendered! For myself, I have already paid the price of marriage. I truely hope you do not have to pay that price. My dear, I know this may seem trite, but simply continue to be who you are... (her!!). Ultimately, you cannot stop her, deny her, suppress her. The more you try, the more she will fight you. I have learned the hard way... She wins every time. I have surrendered, I am she, she is now all that I am.

Love

bernii

[Sally]

Ashlee, Sweetheart,

There are transgendered MTFs that never alter thier bodies at all and are willing to just dress and maintain a 'normal' married life.

If you can do that and be happy, that is all that is required, what is right for me or Bernii or Donna Jean isn't necessarily right for you or anyone else.

Trust your feelings - they are what counts, if you are able to remain as you are and be happy with your family, then that is what you should do.

If you can not tolerate not transitioning then you know what the next step is and hope that you have a wife who loves you more than mine did.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Ashlee]

bernii, Sally,

Thank you for your word too. They all help me to be able to further understand myself.

bernii, I never want to pay the price of loosing my marriage. My wife means everything to me. I really don't want to even immagine my life without her.

And, yes, Ashlee is here, and probably always will be!

Sally, I really think I can be happy doing what I'm doing now. The biggest and most important thing that I must do is to NEVER, EVER get caught again. It would probably be the end of my relationship. Its just a risk that I take.

I guess there are times lately that I just feel really jealous of the people here that are in transition. They have a real goal in mind, a light at the end of the tunnel, something to look forward to. I end up feeling like my tunnel just leads to nowhere, like I'm lost in a maze that has no real ending point.

Thank you all,

Ashlee

[Guest mia 1]

Ashlee I would call you family..the family we are all part of go to my personal page and find the topic that I wrote yesterday about a transgendered woman who her kids call Maddy,and the success she has had with her two boys...an excellent and poignant article for us all....... my love to you...Mia

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Ashlee

Honey - you are what you are - that's the bottom line. I would hope you have seen a gender therapist. So many come here to Laura's with so many questions. I am essentially as you are, just older. I had and have questions like you. I cross dressed for 50 plus years and always felt there was more. I sacrificed to have and raise my children, but they are now adult and gone - and I finally faced my condition and made some decisions.

I am what I am - you are what you are - we are both fine, loving and wonderful people. I had to look into my heart to find my answer, my logical approach nearly destroyed me.

I think you need to look very closely into your heart. And please don't self diagnose! It helps to have an expert opinion. If you are transgender, there are a hundred options and you can pick or turn down each one as is your need.

Wow - we are such confused people anyway here on earth, then gender dysphoria is added to the mix?

What a world!

Lizzy

[Guest Ashlee]

mia,

I allready read that article, so incredibly touching, thank you for posting it. And thank you for calling me "family" That really means alot.

Lizzy,

I have been to a therapist, spent 2 years trying to learn who I was. This is all very confusing.

I guess when it all boils down, yes, I am transgender, but will continue to be satisfied with crossdressing.

I know that if it were to go any further than that, I would loose so much (my family) that it would not really be wort it to

me to be able to live out my life as a woman. I guess in that whole balance of life, I feel that I owe my family

someone they can count on and love as the one they have come to know as a father and husband.

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement

Ashlee

[Guest Dana M]

Well feeling that way since such an early age seems to rule out transvestic fetishism. You were lucky to be able to find success as a guy if you are transgender. I didn't expect to live past 20 as a guy.

[Guest Janica Lynn]

Dear Ashlee,

I can understand so well your feelings AND about getting caught...again.

I tried, no, I did come out to my ex-wife. The long term result was a disaster. It ended my marriage.

I have a long term lady friend. In the interest of honesty I 'tried' to come out to her. The answer was terse...”SHE can just STAY in the closet!” was the reply. She is trying very hard not to let me walk away from our relationship. I have no interest in being with some one I have to hide from. Not dressing the way I want to slowly gets into my dreams. I have dreams of being who I am and no one notices at all. Then, I wake to reality.

It is easier for me to deal with the world as male, there is no doubt in my mind about that. There is also no doubt that I hate it, passionately. I despise it with every fiber of my being! I am not a very pretty woman, Man hands and all the rest. I have finally come to the point of self acceptance and that was a tough thing.

If I deny my femininity, I get depressed and life turns into hell.

That is enough about me. What do I think you are? More like who do I think you are.

I think you value your family and their security very much more than your desire to be full time female. A balance of values in regard to your personal joy can't be argued. We ladies are often that, sacrificing our dearest dreams and hopes for the sake of others. We build nests, families and defend them with a vengeance.

You obviously love and respect your wife and family very deeply. I wish I could find a life partner who could deliver that kind of unconditional love such as yours for your wife and family.

I am so envious of the ladies here that are 'full time'. Jealous, really. So many very strong and beautiful people here. And I am not excluding the men who are here, either. Fellas, I wish I could swap you all of my man junk for the stuff you want to shed....

We have to make our choices. The ones you make are right for you. It really does run the full spectrum for everyone here. Some of us can't live with not being anything but female and some of us are just not there.

Me? Now there is a question mark! Sorry this is such a book!

Hugs....

Janica Lynn, who is not so sure she even likes her name....