I am having trouble p

[Dragonmyst]

I sometimes get really panicky when I read the how to pass as male pre T stuff online. I can't get on testosterone because I am on a lot of different psychiatric medications, and getting on it would mean that I would have to do a bunch of hard trial and error stuff with my psychiatrist to find other things that work with T, so I'm trying my best to get by without it. I can do the vocal exercises, I can commit to that if it means I get a lower voice out of it. I already mostly walk and sit and move male, so that isn't an issue. I pack 24/7, and bind when I need to or if I know there will be photos because I'm scared I will hurt myself. One of the first things I did was get rid of my hair, and good riddance to that mess. But when the how to websites get to how you can talk, and then I start to panic. The websites typically say stuff like "don't show much emotion, interrupt people, don't say anything to show you are listening to them, be more crass, more aggressive, use less words, be less descriptive" and I just can't do that. I don't want to be "that guy".  That would be as bad as pretending to be female. I would be killing part of me. I like to connect with other people. I like to try and be nice, I don't want to be rude, and I enjoy talking with people and being friendly.  I am fine with showing emotion, that's how we evolved to communicate. I get panicky because I'm scared that these things might mean I might never be read as male even if I get my voice lowered. I don't have very many transmasculine people that I know, so I am unsure where the happy medium is. 

[VickySGV]

First off, Robinson Crusoe was the only person to have everything done by Friday!!

Translated -- you do not have to get it all done at once or even ever get all of this stuff done at all.  You are trying to live 30 days in 24 hours from the way it reads above and I should know that is not possible.  I tried it and it nearly got me to kill myself because it seemed impossible, which it was!!  There is no "one and only" way to be Trans* masculine, and hopefully one of our mods here who has made a wonderful journey that way OVER THE FIVE YEARS I have known him on the forums here will be able to reach out to you in a couple of days.  He is one busy gent down in Arkansas which is more like your state than mine.  Look for posts in the FtM forum by @JJ .

I tell new MtFs that women come in more sizes shapes and voice ranges than most people can imagine, and the same for FtMs is that men do as well.  I have a cookie cutter post here on the Forums somewhere along that line.  More important than being seen as "male" is being seen as a caring, supportive and helpful in life.  One of my wonderful FtM friends here IRL always does the "male thing" for me such as the door holding or offering me a hand when we go on stage up on the chorus risers, although he sings a higher range than I do.  I don't really need the help he offers, but yes, it looks good for him.  (He is young enough to be my grandson.)  Relax into the role but do not force it or expect to get it done quickly.  Cultivate some of the new social habits and maybe show interest in some more "male" activities such as just taking out a heavy sack of stuff that a "girl" needs help with.  Do it with a helpful smile and it will help more than voice or some other things. 

[JJ]

Right now I don't have time to reply more fully except to say to be true to who YOU are. That's what this is all about.

One of the biggest criticisms I  hear about FTMs is that they become stereotypes of all that is worst in male culture in order to try to fit the mythical mold they have seen on tv and in movies. Men are not like that except in puberty and not all even then. Insecure boys trying to be men do. But real men have the strength to be thoughtful and kind and caring. To see perfect examples of that look at Trump and Obama. Trump is a perfect example of a pubescent male trying to prove himself as he thinks men should be. Some time in his early puberty something happened to stop his mental and emotional growth. Unless that is the kind of man you aspire to be don't follow the advise of others. Obama is on the other end of the spectrum. A mature man who is strong enough to be kind, and self possessed without arrogance or putting anyone else down. He is an openly loving husband and father. Look at the men around you and find those you like and admire. Watch them. Internalize how they  walk and talk and relate to others.

There have been many good men who relate to others with kindness and sensitivity. Being a man is not about being sa shut down jerk. It's just what feels right . If you try to become something else. A stereotype, then you just trade one false life for another.

I transitioned at 63. And I never tried to be a stereotype . I'm universally seen as male. Even people who knew me for years before forget I was ever not as I am now. And I am liked by more people in these last 5 years than the rest of my life put together.  I am happy and at peace because I am real, so my life and relationships are real too.

Johnny

[Dragonmyst]

It's honestly so overwhelming. I have been trying for a while, but it's a lot to take in. It doesn't help that I only personally know trans women, which while I can learn a lot from them, I can't exactly learn how to socialize as male any more than I could teach them how to socialize as female. I am also pretty shut in, shy, and I have severe social anxiety, so I don't know many cis men even. My main social event is work, and there are only two guys there and I almost never talk to them. The only guy I'm around is my partner, and I don't really want to be the kind of guy he is. The only thing I really know about the kind of guy I want to be is that I want to be considerate of other people, treating women with true respect instead of trying to get stuff out of them, and not tearing other people down or trying to control them for my own benefit.  I am really hoping to meet other guys on here that are dealing with what I deal with, but give positive advice instead of negative.  To be honest, I am kinda jealous of trans women because I they have so many positive resources out there. In depth, here is the little stuff you can do even without hormones, staying safe, etc. While with guys it feels almost like sink or swim. I would kill to have a TSroadmap for guys. The one written for women is great, but all I have are some negative wiki how articles on how to pass without t. 

[JJ]

My daughter is running late so I have a few minutes.

You have spent your whole life trying to learn a female role though it didn't fit. And suppressing your natural expression. But according to science you most likely have a male brain and been taking in male socialization on some level. It is a massive change on every level and it takes time. It's something we all go through. And we get tired of it. It is hard work. It helped me most to first think of myself as a man with body anomalies rather than a woman with a man's mind and identity.and the other thing that helped most was to realize I just needed to get out of my own way and let it happen. Not be down on myself or upset when I slipped or got misgendered. Like anything complicated we need to master the more upset we get with ourselves the less we are able to focus and function at our best.

I was a social worker and very good with people within the framework of a job but socially awkward and anxious in sny non work setting. I often said it was like everyone else got an instruction book and I didnt. Truth is I had one but it was for the wrong model. Dysphoria takes many forms and one is never feeling right or comfortable with ourselves in social situations.

I was also diagnosed as clinically depressed due to a chemical imbalance and on antidepressants over 30 years. My current Dr who attends trans medical conferences and stays up with research says that because our brains are designed for one hormone they don't get enough and flooded with one they are not designed for we are usually  chemically imbalanced leading to depression and other conditions. Since starting T 5 1/2 years ago I have been off antidepressants and not had a major depressive episode. From other trans people have heard from T does not necessarily negatively impact most psychotropic drugs. In fact in cases like mine it actually has a positive impact. Might be worth discussing further with your psych. Especially if they have not studied the changes in knowledge about brain configuration differences between men and women in the last few years.

Each day is a step forward.  at first it seems as though it is all taking forever and it's just too much. And then one day you ask where the time went and how all of that happened so fadt. Of course I can only speak from the perspective of being on T because that is my experience.  it is entirely your choice whether to do that ot not and I think it will be harder without but you can still do it.

My advise is still the same as above. Let you be yourself. And do , be, what is right for YOU.

Johnny

[Dragonmyst]

I honestly hope so. My issue with t is that I'm not just on one mental med for one condition, I'm on five different ones for several. Some people have bad genetics for physical health, I have bad genetics for mental. So if one doesn't respond well, I have several others that might, so it might impact it negatively. I will have to discuss it with my psychiatrist a little more in depth. 

[Briana]

Hi Dragonmyst,

Definitly talk to your psy doctor and don't be afraid to push and push back.  Sometimes they get comfortable prescribing medications and managing those vs. helping the person with other options before resorting to medications.  Managing medications is complicated business and sometimes not done as well as it could be so be an active participant in the process.  

[Dragonmyst]

I will really have to talk with him. Next time I go next month I will sit down and have a chat. Money is also a huge issue for me. If insurance doesn't cover it... Well I am a broke twenty year old living with five roomates to make it on my own. it is hard enough for me to make the co pay for the psychiatrist for the medications I have been on since I was fifteen, let alone somthing that insurance might not cover. Granted, I know I am lucky. At least I have insurance. My fiance had to pull out his own tooth because he didnt have any.